BuckleShuffle Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I met this girl freshmen year of college and we became best friends. One of my best friend was chatting her up and asked to hook up with her. She eventually said yes and they hooked up. I did not know this at all. Flash forword to soph year. I develop strong feelings for her. She has never dated. I have never dated. I've never hooked up or any of that. And I assumed she hasn't either. Then my best friend hits me up one day and I tell him I'm considering dating this girl. By this time me and the girl are best friends as well. My male best friend and her are barely friends. So after I tell him, he's like "if you know what she did, you'd be disgusted" (referring to their hookup). I thought he was joking around cuz he wouldn't tell me what it was. So I ask the girl why did my best friend say that about her. She got extremely defensive and made up huge lies because she didn't wanna tell me the truth. I told her look "look if you have a past that I'm not comfortable with, then don't please don't consider me." She denied she had any sort of past. I foolishly believed her. And our feelings grew stronger. Throughout the next year or so, she perpetuated this lie to keep her reputation in check. My best friend told her to get away from me because I'd get hurt if I knew. Initially she tried to stay away but her feelings for me got in the way. As someone who never really got involved with the hookup culture, she and I both knew I'd be disturbed by her past. But I believed her lie and our feelings and friendship grew stronger. Then one day, my best friend asked me if I still like her, I said maybe,. Then he's like "I'm sorry dude, but her and I hooked up freshmen year. I was literally shocked. I cut ties from her. Strangely wasn't hurt. But disgusted. *Side Note: we grew up with certain values w/ religious beliefs. Even one hook-up is considered "grimey" for lack of a better word. But then my other friends were like don't judge her. Blah blah. So i didn't want to judge her for something she did 2 years back. So I asked her out. And during that time I told her to tell me the whole story which made things slightly better. The hook up with him was the biggest mistake of her life. She lost her first kiss, first intimate moment to a guy who doesn't give a crap about her. She told me all this. She still cries to this day, after 3 years about that one hookup. And it's not even me, if anyone knew she hooked up with this one guy, her reputation would be destroyed immensely. So instead of being furiuos that she lied, I had to console her. We were on and off for a couple of months but we're exes now. Her self worth has gone down low due to this hookup. She said she'd date even a manwhore because she feels disgusted and ashamed with herself. But even now, I can't fully get over the fact she threw a 3 year lie at me and didn't just leave me alone. It's hard to date someone or have feelings for someone for so long hoping that you'd share your first everything with. Only to find out she did it with your best friend on a random hookup. They didn't even like each other, heck it was planned too, meeting date, boundaries, sober, etc. she was also forced to do something during that hookup which tramautuzed her to this day. But anyways my real question is: would you be able to date a girl who your best friend hooked up with? This is also being that you never had a past and you assumed this girl didn't either. And her past ended up being this. If you can, how do you handle the random thoughts and images? How do you hangout with your friend knowing he disrespectfully sexually assaulted the girl you liked/loved? Btw I'm not saying she should have not touched anyone. We were just friends when it happened. It's just the fact she let us grow strong feelings and stuff knowing this secret would destroy it all anyways. She could've left the social circle or at least keep distance between me and her but she wasn't able to.
d0nnivain Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 One of the foundations of my friendships is we never go after guys that the others liked / dated / hooked up with. You didn't have that bond with your buddy. In your case I probably could have over come the idea that my new SO had been with a college friend before me. But the lying about it is a whole different issue. One drunken mistake freshman year when everything was new & everybody was exploring without their parents, I could get past. The conscious decision to lie to you about it, knowing you were friends with her mistake was more unforgivable.
Author BuckleShuffle Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 One of the foundations of my friendships is we never go after guys that the others liked / dated / hooked up with. You didn't have that bond with your buddy. In your case I probably could have over come the idea that my new SO had been with a college friend before me. But the lying about it is a whole different issue. One drunken mistake freshman year when everything was new & everybody was exploring without their parents, I could get past. The conscious decision to lie to you about it, knowing you were friends with her mistake was more unforgivable. Hmmm, maybe what I wrote was confusing. The guy in the question did as much as possible to get us away from each other. He's an amazing friend that doesn't want me to get hurt. That's why he looked out for me and always hinted that I should stay away from her. We've been close since highschool. Family friends too, sort of? It was the girl doing the lying to save her reputation. But she lied on and on, while getting close to me emotionally. This added to her feeling ashamed. When she told me the truth, she couldnt even look at me in the face because she felt so ashamed. But it's hard to know someone could lie to that extent. She grew up as someone who lies a lot to save face, and im the exact opposite. I dont even believe in "ignorance is a bliss." I'm more of a 'know the truth, and power through' type of person. I almost hardly ever lie. It's against my morals. Honesty is my number one rule for anything. So having that trust broken really got to me.
Guitarisgood Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 It depends... I have a close mate. He's hooked up with a girl I use to have feelings for but back then and til today there is no way in hell I'd hook up with her no matter my feelings because I'd feel it as a betrayal and would not like it to happen to me even if she's tried herself. Only time I'd ever consider it is if I saw a LTR possibility and actually talked to my friend about it. I have another friend; same circle but not really friends (I don't know why because I've tried) but there is a girl we're all interested and I'd almost hooked up with her the other night. No hard feelings here; even if ever since, he's been more colder to me. 'All's fair in love and war' but at the end of the day 'bro's before hoe's' (not meant in an insulting way girls but as the saying goes) *A word though, girls will lie. Guys will lie. White lies are said in the world. I watched two of my friends share a kiss even though they are both in relationships after a drunken night and I know they both will never mention it'.
smg15 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I don't think I could it would feel too weird
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I understood your buddy tried to prevent you from dating her but here's the thing he did a bad job. He should have said point blank: Hey, BuckleShuffle, I looked up with her freshman year. She's not who you think she is. I also said that her lying was the bigger problem. If the minute you asked about her prior behavior she fessed up, I'd be telling you to get over it. The fact that she lied knowing this guy is your friend tells me she only cares that she got caught not that she was with him or that she thinks you are an idiot because how could she imagine your friend would not tell you.
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