Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I don't like the person I become when I'm in a relationship. I feel possessive, sometimes insecure, and vulnerable. I've been with my bf for about a year and the relationship has been on the rocks.. I'm going to have a talk with him, is the thought of becoming FWB to protect my feelings ridiculous? In my opinion its the relationship without the label, and is more casual
Dallers Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 It will never work. You can only go FWB to Relationship not the other way because feelings are already there. At least if you begin FWB you can control/restrict the feelings from becoming an issue but the other way will only end in tears. All or nothing in your case. 5
Emilia Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I'm very much an all or nothing person and I had to learn to walk when it wasn't working for the other person rather than get stressed and internalise that he wants something else.
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 I can tell he's losing feelings, he's very dull and uninterested in conversations. You don't think its salvageable if we do Fwb? Isn't it kind of the equivalent or at least similar to the infamous "taking a break"?
Emilia Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I can tell he's losing feelings, he's very dull and uninterested in conversations. You don't think its salvageable if we do Fwb? Isn't it kind of the equivalent or at least similar to the infamous "taking a break"? Why would you do this to yourself? To get downgraded? Is this how low you see yourself? 1
mammasita Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 If you can tell he's losing feelings, talk to him and figure it out and then remove yourself from the situation, i.e. Break up. Why on earth would you want to continue giving him sex knowing he's not invested in you. You're merely preventing yourself from progressing and finding someone who IS interested in giving you everything you want.
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 Emilia, I'm just trying to look out for my feelings. I know I want to be with him but I hate feeling insecure and maybe trying to commit too young can ruin our possible chances of working out? (Hes 19 im 18) Also by friends with benefits I don't mean sex, we haven't yet. I just mean literally the relationship without the label
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 No sex yet, I forget that's what FWB generally is, sorry for the confusion
cif Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 You're essentially asking him to break up then. Talk to him about being just friends. It may work out since no sex was involved.
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 I'm gonna ask him whether he wants to stay together, be FWB, or break up but let him know I'm not a fan of that idea. Well see how it goes
oldshirt Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 It may delay the tears for awhile until one of you starts seeing someone else and then the drama and fireworks will unfold.
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 If that happened I'd shut him out completely. It should be noted that we broke up once before because he distanced himself. Now that he's distancing himself once again, my defense mechanism is to distance myself as well. If we were friends with benefits, I wouldn't mind the distance. Just something about him being my boyfriend makes me feel entitled to getting mad if he stays out late, things like that, and I don't want to be that person. I hope that makes sense
angel.eyes Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 You're possessive and insecure because you're afraid of losing him...understandable since your feelings for him are now much stronger than his feelings for you. Offering to downgrade yourself (yuck!), which will mean he puts in even less effort (if any) will only exacerbate the horrible feelings you're already having. Like if or not, you're trying to bargain to hold on to him. And since you're bargaining when you have no leverage, you're begging...That's really what "I don't even need to be in a relationship" means at this point. No relationship means he doesn't even have to try. All you'll squander will be your sense of self-worth and self-respect. It sounds as if the relationship is limping along on it's last leg. Learn to walk away with dignity when this happens. 1
angel.eyes Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 No sex yet, I forget that's what FWB generally is, sorry for the confusion Then don't use the term with him.
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 Sorry but with no sex involved here aren't you not just a friend or you stay together. A FWB, means someone who is available to hook up with for sex, but there is no monogamy. Each can see and have sex with who they like. Though what usually happens the man will not tolerate the woman seeing other men, but she needs to be available for sex with him.
oldshirt Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 If that happened I'd shut him out completely. It should be noted that we broke up once before because he distanced himself. Now that he's distancing himself once again, my defense mechanism is to distance myself as well. If we were friends with benefits, I wouldn't mind the distance. Just something about him being my boyfriend makes me feel entitled to getting mad if he stays out late, things like that, and I don't want to be that person. I hope that makes sense It makes perfect sense. .....it's just not true. If you were FWB and you started seeing someone else, he would get bent out of shape. If he started seeing someone you would get bent out of shape. But I understand where you are coming from and I think you have a point. I think if you were to end the exclusivity and commitment clauses of your relationship and no longer be BF and GF it would take the pressure and possessiveness off of things. I think that is wise. IMHO people in their teens and early 20s should multi date and should not be exclusive and should be free to date and do whatever and whoever they want. If you want to go out with one person one day and another a different day, go for it. And allow them to do the same as well. If not being exclusive and committed makes you more comfortable and you feel more secure in yourself then do it.
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 In my case my idea of benefits were like kissing and hugging and whatnot (although we have done sexual stuff) but yeah. So I guess I should change it to casual dating (more than friends) vs. official relationship (bf gf) which makes more sense. Spot on angel eyes, I'm very afraid to lose him. I really don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt. But I feel like its only a matter of time before he gets completely bored with me, I feel like its because he has me entirely now. He was so interested in the process of trying to get me back - when we were technically "friends." I'd like to go back
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 Thanks old shirt! That's exactly what I meant!
angel.eyes Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 (edited) In my case my idea of benefits were like kissing and hugging and whatnot (although we have done sexual stuff) but yeah. So I guess I should change it to casual dating (more than friends) vs. official relationship (bf gf) which makes more sense. Spot on angel eyes, I'm very afraid to lose him. I really don't know what to do and I don't want to hurt. But I feel like its only a matter of time before he gets completely bored with me, I feel like its because he has me entirely now. He was so interested in the process of trying to get me back - when we were technically "friends." I'd like to go back Playing games won't get him back for any meaningful time. It will just delay the inevitable. I know it seems awful, but you need to walk away. Some guys won't break up when they lose interest. They just fade, which as you're experiencing feels terrible. But trust me, it will be a hundred times worse when you discover he's investing time and effort into developing a relationship with another girl while "casually" dating you without taking you on dates, etc...which he will be doing with the new girl. It's like a Band-aid. It's ultimately less painful to yank it off than remove it mm by mm. Walk away.The relationship is over. The question now is how long do you want to suffer and remain miserable? Edited November 29, 2014 by angel.eyes 1
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 trust me, it will be a hundred times worse when you discover he's investing time and effort into developing a relationship with another girl while "casually" dating you without taking you on dates, etc...which he will be doing with the new girl. This^^^ How is giving him free rein to date other girls, going to save you from getting hurt?
Author Ara-bella Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 So I told him to call me so we could talk it out and the conversation went: Him: "Ugh I'm too tired to talk" Me: "Oh that's okay. Go back to sleep?" Him: "I'm gonna eat" Me: "That's cool too" Him: "Something wrong" Me: "No" Him: "Seems like it" Me: "I just missed you is all" Him: "Missed [insert 10 laughing emojis]" Me: "Miss whatever" Him: "What's your problem damn" Needless to say, he's a douche, I did not reply, I won't try to compromise, angel eyes was right the relationship = pretty much over, he is pushing me away like he did the first time. Thanks for the advice
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