how can i restart

[uneakharsh]

I m an Indian. I am 24 years old and i am a software engineer. Most people who know me think of me as a regular guy who has nothing much to worry about. In truth i have been sad if not depressed for last 3 years. I met a girl in college, she was/is the nicest person i know. We loved each other and planned on getting married together once we grow older and hav some money to afford a good life. After college i got a job in a different city an started my career. 5 months after l started working she told me she wants to breakup. I know it sounds so normal but for me it was as if someone as pulled the life out of me,I couldnot think what was going on in my life anymore. I started drinking right away and never stopped since. In next two years we kept talking but i was always sad and angry at her for breaking up with me. Even in those days she acknowledged my love for her and also confessed that she loved me to but she didnot want to get back together. I kept drinking and it was me who asked her to stop talking to me; not once but many times. Last year in april was the last time we exchanged an email my reply to her was "how funny it is that it hurts me to even tell you how much you hurt me. Please donot talk to me" she never talkd to me. I have not talked to her in over 18 months. A few months back she got married and now lives with her husband in the states. I m still in India, i kept living my regular life, ppeople close to me know that i have had a breakup and some of them know that I was devastated when it happened. Now after three years everybody haa moved on with their lives. I checked her facebook profile and she looked more beautiful. The problem is that I am not able to live with myself, i drink everynight, I do stupid things when i drunk i miss her a lot and i wish if she could come back. Despite having a completely satisfying life i am almost always suicidal, i donot do so it because it just feels stupid. There are forums which tell you to start a new relationship and i have tried that once but i could not get the girl to like me and i gave up very soon. I work 12 hours everyday just to keep myself busy, i crack jokes when i am with friends, i visit places and pubs and live an alright life. But those moments when i have nothing to do, i think of her and miss her. I donot know what i want anymore. She is so far away, i donot even have her cellphone no. I donot want to contact her on facebook. I donot want to even want to contact her coz I think i might just upset her. I fear i might do something stupid to myself or i might live a very long sad lonely life. I donot even know what answer i am seeking here. I am still in lover with her maybe because we were so happy together. I i want to be happy again. Thanks.