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Crush on friend whom I've been sharing a place with (I think ><)

Conflux

By Conflux
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Conflux New Member

Conflux

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Hi all^^

Just registered today and this is my first post, so if there's anything I'm doing wrong, please do point it out to me.

 

Moving on to the main issue..it's what the title says. I think I might have a crush on my friend whom I've been sharing a place with for a couple of years (we have separate rooms of course). I say might, because I don't fully understand how this can be happening all of a sudden after years of sharing the same place. (I'm a guy and my friend's a she by the way, and both of us haven't been in any relationships at all up til now, even though we're both in our mid twenties. To add to that, I've had nothing but failed confessions (a few) all my life haha T_T)

 

To fill in more details, we're both studying overseas and she's my closest friend here and probably one of my closest friends ever. I raised the idea of sharing a place, and after mulling over it she agreed to it. Our main reason for it was that it would be way cheaper, and also the fact that since we were so different in our thinking and personalities (we have a notable number of common hobbies though) there would be no way that we would ever date each other. True enough, even though for the past few years we've almost been together almost all the time (lessons & shopping etc.), nothing has changed. I assumed she would just be like a sister to me even from now on, but things kind of changed recently...I'm wondering if it's because we will be staying separately from next year onwards (no quarrels whatsoever, simply due to location of lodging issues), and because I think she's finally starting to see someone else (and doing her best to not let me know, which is really really baffling).

 

I will not lie and say that I'm not hoping that something will come out of this, but I'm still sober enough to know that nothing will. She's my closest friend here, and I do want to endanger the friendship (especially since she's not someone that I can just cut out of my life for seveal reasons). She has put up with a lot of my crap all these years, and I do not want her to have to suffer this as well (though knowing her she might probably just laugh at me). On the one hand I'm rooting for her (that she'll finally find someone for her and that he will be a good man), on the other hand I'm going nuts. I've been reading articles and forum posts online, and unless she's way denser than the average woman, I fear that she has kind of caught on to me, which is pretty darn disconcerting to say the least.

 

Sorry if my post a little hard to understand. I'm just really overwhelmed with everything that's happening right now...so overwhelmed that for the first time in my life, I'm signing up for an account with a forum just to get advice, using a username that she'll probably never link to me and YET still worrying that she will catch on (which is causing me to be quite reluctant to reveal more details...><)

 

Would appreciate any input >< (though honestly speaking, I'm really hoping for sobering advice that will knock me out of this and help me to be the brotherly support for her as she has been to me all these years)

 

Thanks in advance ><

whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
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and because I think she's finally starting to see someone else (and doing her best to not let me know, which is really really baffling).

 

She knows you have some feelings for her which is why she probably is hiding her personal life as she doesn't want to make you feel bad, doesn't want to hurt you.

 

You're in a tough spot, you like her but not sure how she feels about you, at the same time opening up to her could ruin what you have with her now and change things in a negative way.

 

Is it just a crush? Is it sexual too? How deep are your feelings for her?

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Conflux New Member

Conflux

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She knows you have some feelings for her which is why she probably is hiding her personal life as she doesn't want to make you feel bad, doesn't want to hurt you.

 

Oh man...*sigh*

 

You're in a tough spot, you like her but not sure how she feels about you, at the same time opening up to her could ruin what you have with her now and change things in a negative way.

 

Is it just a crush? Is it sexual too? How deep are your feelings for her?

 

Honestly speaking, I'm so confused right now that I can't be entirely certain whether it's just a crush. Yes, it's sexual, and I'm feeling really really guilty for that. Even if it's just happening in my mind, it's really demeaning and she definitely deserves none of this lack of respect...

Since I've never entered into a relationship with anyone, I don't quite know how to answer the question of how deep my feelings are for her. What I'm pretty sure of though, is that she deserves better...I'm still too immature, and yes, there's the issue of how I'm lusting after her, which is just disgusting even to myself...*sigh*

 

By the way, we will still be staying in the same place for 2 more months or so, if that matters...

 

Thanks for your reply ><

 

*edit*

Shall I also add that she's probably out on her first date today (I say probably because I cannot be 100% certain, but I'm positive she is..even though I'm a dense guy, all these years together have given me some insight into her mannerisms), and since it's raining like crazy and cold, and I'm stuck at home clearing some work, I'm really really just doing my best to keep my head on haha...

Edited by Conflux
jackinthebox1 Established Member

jackinthebox1

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Posted

Sounds to me like you have always had her there as a back up in your head but then now she has started dating you are getting jealous and confusing that as wanting a relationship with her.

You need to go and date some other women, stay cool and see how it pans out.

If she is going to make a move then it will most likely be when you are dating also.

I just had this issue with a friend and we lived together with no feelings. Then i got a gf n she started being sexual. I broke up with my gf n we ended up sleeping together but its a complete mess tbh, altho we are still great friends.

But im not in control of it anymore in the way that i can have sex with her anytime i like. But im dating other women so not bothered tbh.

Date some other women, quit the oneitis it doest make any logical sense

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Conflux New Member

Conflux

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Sounds to me like you have always had her there as a back up in your head but then now she has started dating you are getting jealous and confusing that as wanting a relationship with her.

 

Thanks for the input. I actually suspected this as well, but having it said to me really helps to knock it in.

 

You need to go and date some other women, stay cool and see how it pans out.

 

Haha, if I was capable of something like that, I wouldn't be 25 and still not have dated anyone before XD

 

If she is going to make a move then it will most likely be when you are dating also.

 

A move? As in finally officially getting a boyfriend? Well, that would actually be good news for me since it would help me get over her (after the initial pain I guess). Still, like I said, I hardly think that I'll be dating anyone soon haha.

 

I just had this issue with a friend and we lived together with no feelings. Then i got a gf n she started being sexual. I broke up with my gf n we ended up sleeping together but its a complete mess tbh, altho we are still great friends.

But im not in control of it anymore in the way that i can have sex with her anytime i like. But im dating other women so not bothered tbh.

 

Ok thanks for sharing. I don't think it will develop into that, but yes I think it will be a mess as well if something like that happens. In fact, it'll probably be an even greater mess in our case ><

 

Date some other women, quit the oneitis it doest make any logical sense

 

Oneitis huh...>< I've gotta admit that that's a major issue that I have to deal with. Thanks for the advice! Don't know how I'm going to get over it, or how I'm going to actually date other women, but I'll try I guess.

 

Randomly, my friends keep on telling me I'm too nice, and I'm always like friendzoned >< Most of my friends are female, almost all but one of my close friends are female, and I pretty much spend my time going out with my female friends being the only guy in the group. My male friends think I'm a lucky bastard, I tell them it's only because they're not me and don't know what's going on :p I don't know why, but I always seem to be surrounded by really nice women that approach me to be friends (which is something I'm really thankful for), just, for some reason or another it's always only to be friends >< Ok I admit I'm not the most proactive of people out there, but I've tried, and every time I try asking anyone out I'm always rejected...I don't know what the signs are anymore..I get invited to their homes, their mums offer to let me stay over even though they're usually super strict (to the extent of having a curfew of 11pm for her 20yr old daughter) and say strictly no stayovers, get invited to their family outings etc. I ask around and apparently that's only happening to me (as in, I'm the only one having permission that others don't, I'm the only one being invited etc.)...Ok I'm just ranting by now, but yea, am I confused or am I confused.

Els Established Member

Els

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Welcome!

 

Ah, don't beat yourself up over the sexual thoughts. As long as you're not acting inappropriately, they're just a sign that you're normal and human, and that your testosterone levels are okay. ;)

 

What group of female friends are you currently in, where did you meet them? While I do know some parents that are pretty ridiculous with their adult children (hence the curfew for 20 yo daughter that you mention), they are really in the minority and not the majority. And people (both male and female) tend to not be ready to date while living in such a situation. Perhaps consider broadening your social circle?

 

You mentioned having confessed to only a 'few' women - usually most people don't get what they want on the first or even third try. It doesn't mean that every girl you ask out from now on is gonna say 'no'. So keep trying.

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Conflux New Member

Conflux

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Thank you for your advice and kind words.

 

Nope, fortunately I'm still in control enough to not let my hormones(?) take over ><

 

When I talked about my female friends, I was actually more of looking back at my life til now. The friend with a curfew was someone I met in college (at age 17), the other friend who invited me to her family's new year outing is also someone I met in college. The females friends who I go out with, include both the group of friends I had in college, and the new friends I made here studying overseas. Most of them, when I first met them, were single, but are now attached. (if this info is important)

But I guess the common point is, all of my close friends are people whom I've met while studying. I should probably widen my social circle like you advised, but I'm really not comfortable with online dating, and I really don't like crowds, and I do my best to stay away from clubs or alcohol and the such (boring to some maybe?). I don't really have the time to work part-time either, so the only social circle I have is that of my classes, and also my club activities at university. Oh, and I guess outside of university, I also have a social circle of dancer friends since I dance and take part in various events. But that's basically it I guess. I have lots of female friends, they're really close friends, many of them are really attractive, but all of them tell me, even if we're not that far apart in age, that they can only see me as an older brother, or an uncle, or a fatherly character, or to some like a sister etc. (I would like to stress that I don't have any habits, or mannerisms that make me appear effeminate, and my looks would make me a nightmare of a woman if I were one haha XD)

 

*sigh* yes I shouldn't be giving up so easily now should I. Thanks again for your advice, and once again for your kind words telling me that I don't have to feel like a freak or a criminal for having those kind of thoughts (I still think it's better if I didn't have them so strong though ><).

 

Just to add, I really really want to take control of my feelings and emotions right now. I don't know why but there has been a lot of crap happening in my life lately, and because she stays with me she's like bearing the brunt of it (I know I know, I need to stop being a jerk). I really think that's better for her to just stop being my friend, or at least leave me alone for now (because I'm a mess, not just due to this though, but she's like doing her best to comfort me and tell me it's okay (which while I'm thankful, is just making this more and more painful).

 

I'll stop here for now (it's probably painful to read through me ranting about how I'm a mess right now and being so utterly useless. I've had **** thrown my way really often in life, but this is probably the worse combination of crap so far, and I'm probably at my lowest up til now)

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