Gina233 Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 I have been with my BF for a few years. He rarely tells me he loves me and does not express him self too much as the way he feels about me, I feel Like I am just his buddy...When I start to talk about my feelings and tell him that I need to hear sometimes how he feels about me, he tells me he is shy about talking about his feelings....I was just wondering anyone's opinion do you think he really " isn't into to me" or can a guy possibly be shy with expressing himself???
moimeme Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 can a guy possibly be shy with expressing himself??? Of course. They're human, too, you know.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 most men are not great at expressing their feelings and emotions, i guess it is a genetic or biological thing. don't fret.
SleepingLover Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by Gina233 I have been with my BF for a few years. He rarely tells me he loves me and does not express him self too much as the way he feels about me, I feel Like I am just his buddy...When I start to talk about my feelings and tell him that I need to hear sometimes how he feels about me, he tells me he is shy about talking about his feelings....I was just wondering anyone's opinion do you think he really " isn't into to me" or can a guy possibly be shy with expressing himself??? Absolutely. I used to be that way when I was younger. Some guys may be that way even when involved for many years with someone. Remember that actions speak louder than words sometimes. My ex used to say, "she loved me" just before she would hit the door to go out with someone else behind my back. Look for his love in the things he does. He may not express it with words but everyone expresses it in some way. I express my feelings better now when involved with someone. I am still shy about approaching women whom I like, though, because I don't want to come off like an idiot I guess. Rejection for me, at the moment, can be painful.
Illusion24 Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 When a man is in love, in my opinion, he does everything in his power to let his girl know...Now, some men are different, they may feel to much and are afraid that their feelings are to strong...He's probably afraid that he may feel to strongly about you and that the love he has for you can't compare to the love you have for him...Or theirs the other part, where he may love you but he's not 'in' love with you... Why are men difficult to understand?? The same reason why woman are...You can't expect him to do something that doesn't come natural to him...He's the guy you chose to be with now you have to deal with the things you do like and don't like...If talking to him and letting him know how you feel doesn't work...honestly he just might not want to...
alphamale Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 also, i neglected to mention GINA233 that men and women are opposites. this is so that we can be attracted to one another an keep the human race going. one major are where men and women are opposites is in showing feelings and emotions. most females i know want a man who is a man and is strong and stoic, not some groveling, emotional sorta dude. one thing that attracts us to each other is the fact that men are less into showing emotions and women are more into it. that is just the way it is. but think about it. would you really want a man who shows and talks about his feelings and emotions the same way a woman does??? I doubt it.
moimeme Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 When a man is in love, in my opinion, he does everything in his power to let his girl know Humans are all different, including men. You may know men who are this way but there are absolutely others who are not.
Illusion24 Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Yes, but when a man is in love he's capable of showing feelings he never thought he could..
alphamale Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by NeverSayNever Yes, but when a man is in love he's capable of showing feelings he never thought he could.. you are correct NSN. and some of those feelings can be quite negative or quite positive. but they will eventually die down after the "honeymoon period" or the first 3 yrs, whichever comes first.
moimeme Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Yes, but when a man is in love he's capable of showing feelings he never thought he could.. Generalizations are untrue. SOME men are. Others are not. It's about your personality, your past, your parents' relationship, etc. etc. There are no single rules about humans and how they behave except that everyone dies.
d'Arthez Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Generalizations are untrue. SOME men are. Others are not. It's about your personality, your past, your parents' relationship, etc. etc. There are no single rules about humans and how they behave except that everyone dies. There are rules and laws to human behavior but sadly we barely understand them, and even "professional" psychology has not uncovered too many laws on human behavior in the past 129 years. You would not think that writers as Tolstoy or Balzac, just let the characters in their novels, behave in a random way? Yes, but when a man is in love he's capable of showing feelings he never thought he could. That is only true for an already emotionally challenged man; which is not to say shy. They do exist, but it is not true of every man.
dreaming4ever Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 If I were you I would tell your bf that you understand that he is shy about expressing his feelings to you but that it would mean a LOT to you if he did...tell him just to start trying....bit by bit...and he'll start to feel more comfortable with it. There's nothing wrong with you telling him that hearing him express stuff like that is really important to you. Also, men often are socialized, starting when they are very young, to repress their feelings. Their father or male role models in their life might lead them to believe that crying or expressing yourself emotionally is being weak or "a baby" or a wimp. Thus, when guys grow up they tend to hold these feelings in and/or deny them. This happened to my bf and now he's like a completely unemotional being and I think it really sucks. He's never overly happy or sad...just blah....good luck!
moimeme Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Also, men often are socialized, starting when they are very young, to repress their feelings Exactly. You'll even find men on this board stating that men who show emotions are 'wimps'. It's no wonder a lot of women end up with these frozen types.
alphamale Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by moimeme Exactly. You'll even find men on this board stating that men who show emotions are 'wimps'. It's no wonder a lot of women end up with these frozen types. some women are looking for the "frozen type". we all make our own choices and must be responsible for them.
HotCaliGirl Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 d'Arthez wrote: "...psychology has not uncovered too many laws on human behavior in the past 129 years. You would not think that writers as Tolstoy or Balzac, just let the characters in their novels, behave in a random way?" Sorry to side-track here - just curious where the 129 year figure comes from? What is significant about 1876? Also, not sure if you are saying that there is something abnormal about Tolstoy etc. letting their characters behave randomly...I think the characters are brilliant, especially Dostoyevsky's Raskolnikov - one of my all-time favorite novel character who was random as hell...
d'Arthez Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by HotCaliGirl Sorry to side-track here - just curious where the 129 year figure comes from? What is significant about 1876? Also, not sure if you are saying that there is something abnormal about Tolstoy etc. letting their characters behave randomly...I think the characters are brilliant, especially Dostoyevsky's Raskolnikov - one of my all-time favorite novel character who was random as hell... If memory serves me (but I can be mistaken) in 1876 the first Psychological Laboratory was founded in that year. I was actually mistaken; it was in 1879. Raskolnikov is a great character, but his behavior is absolutely not random. You see actually a mental illness develop, and Dostoyevsky did magnificently to describe all the events. Every mental illness has also its laws. We should consider social acceptable illnesses as such, such as greed, ambition, lust et cetera. Spinoza made that point in the 17th century. The characters in the novels of Balzac, Tolstoy, or Dostoyevsky absolutely do not behave in a random way. To stick with Dostoyevski, in the Brothers Karamazov, only an intellectual could make the remarks on God like Ivan did; which do not necessarily coincide with his views, all the time. Ivan is by no means a simple straw atheist. Alyosha is a deeply religious person, and he behaves in a way very consistent with that.
HotCaliGirl Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Are you not confusing the author's consistency with writing the randomness in an orderly fashion with the actual random behavior described of the characters and displayed by their actions? The characters may consistently act one way or the other but by consistently being random, let's call it what it is. How about Prince Myshkin (In "The Idiot) who returns from an asylum? If mental illness has laws, then he is acting according to laws and not random by your rational...then what IS random behavior? Does it not exist then and instead everyone is acting under a set of laws that are associated with their mentality??? OK, sorry to take the attention away from the main thread, had to get that out...nevermind.
Hund1976 Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 I think a lot of guys are raised not to show much emotion. Like when a boy gets hurt a lot of people will tell him "don't cry, be a man, suck it up" I doubt there are too many girls who ever had something like that said to them while they were growing up.
d'Arthez Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 HotCaliGirl: The characters behave in an orderly fashion, each with his own set of laws applicable to them. These laws do not differ. The laws of gravity hold true for apples and for feathers. The basic premise is that people are led to do things because of the things they find important; and that motivation does not have to be conscious, and most often is not conscious to the person him/herself. People can think of themselves as generous people. But thinking of yourself that you are generous does not make you generous. The possibility exists that a person is truly generous, but it might also be a convenience thing; it feels good to tell yourself that you are generous. If however you avoid the homeless like the plague, because they smell, or have bad dental hygiene, these are only rationalisations to cover up the lack of generosity. The generosity is nothing more than an assumed social mask. It might cover up greed, for instance. But we can only judge that by looking at other situations, for instance when someone collects for a health fund, which collects money to pay for research. A basically greedy man, will look at his future wife, as her 'dot', the value added to his possesions. While a romantic man will look at his future wife in a whole different fashion. You might see courting behavior in both instances. But in the case of the greedy man, motives and way of handling the situation will differ from the second man's. That is why non-romantic men have a lot of difficulties behaving in a romantic fashion, for instance. Because the mindset is alien to them; after all, what do a bunch of flowers cost, and they die within a few weeks? Wasted money! Give her something that lasts, and she will be reminded of my generosity everyday, for instance a watch. We all know that, and that is why people on the messageboards can make a distinction between 'normal' courting behavior and 'insane' courting behavior. And to confuse matters even more, it might be that a person experiences things, as if (s)he behaves randomly, while (s)he only is acting under the laws (s)he does not understand. To return to the original topic: Reluctance to give words to feelings (shyness is something different IMO) is something which is quite common amongst men. It is very hard, if not impossible for someone to change that, after xx years of socialization in that particular way.
dreaming4ever Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Hund1976, You're exactly right! I was actually going to use that example of a little boy crying exactly in my post. And the reason boys actually LISTEN and not be "wimps" and show emotion is because if they do, they are beat up by other boys or their father looks down on them which only serves to reinforce this type of behavior if they are going to be a real "man" And as for the person who said some women WANT these frozen types.....who would want someone so devoid of emotion and so unable to talk about or acknowledge his feelings that he never tells his gf/wife that he loves her, never tells her she means the world to him, never looks at her tenderly and tells her she is his everything....like come ON! What girl doesn't want that? I'm not talking about romantic fairytales here, I'm just talking about a man that can look his girlfriend/wife in the eye and tell her he really loves her with his entire soul....I wish I had that! The other side of the coin (not able to express emotions) is my boyfriend, who when I cry because something touches me deeply like a movie, or sometimes hurts me or makes me incredibly sad.....he's pushed his capability to have feelings like that so deep down to the point where they're nonexistent that he doesn't understand ppl who display emotions anymore. He thinks when I cry I am "crying wolf"....as if I am forcing myself to cry to make others feel bad for me....talk about detatched from your feelings!!! He says that sometimes I cry and it is entirely inappropriate.....how can expressing something natural to you....your natural reaction to life.....be inappropriate/wrong??
dreaming4ever Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Hund1976, You're exactly right! I was actually going to use that example of a little boy crying exactly in my post. And the reason boys actually LISTEN and not be "wimps" and show emotion is because if they do, they are beat up by other boys or their father looks down on them which only serves to reinforce this type of behavior if they are going to be a real "man" And as for the person who said some women WANT these frozen types.....who would want someone so devoid of emotion and so unable to talk about or acknowledge his feelings that he never tells his gf/wife that he loves her, never tells her she means the world to him, never looks at her tenderly and tells her she is his everything....like come ON! What girl doesn't want that? I'm not talking about romantic fairytales here, I'm just talking about a man that can look his girlfriend/wife in the eye and tell her he really loves her with his entire soul....I wish I had that! The other side of the coin (not able to express emotions) is my boyfriend, who when I cry because something touches me deeply like a movie, or sometimes hurts me or makes me incredibly sad.....he's pushed his capability to have feelings like that so deep down to the point where they're nonexistent that he doesn't understand ppl who display emotions anymore. He thinks when I cry I am "crying wolf"....as if I am forcing myself to cry to make others feel bad for me....talk about detatched from your feelings!!! He says that sometimes I cry and it is entirely inappropriate.....how can expressing something natural to you....your natural reaction to life.....be inappropriate/wrong??
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