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Red Flags? what do i do?

misery25

By misery25
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Jules Dash Established Member

Jules Dash

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The hard part is I know that my circumstances with my ex... Are causing this. He has road rage problems ... Yes... But I don't think things would be tough if it weren't for my ex drama. The problem is he sees my ex as competition and he continues to mark his territory and he could care less that it is causing my ex to avoid settling etc before mediation. When I told him that my lawyer said precisely that... He said "so now you are blaming Me?!" He said that I was out of my mind if I thought my ex was ever going to settle before mediation (even though I had a draft settlement in my email last night"

 

No the problem is your ex and your current boyfriend. The way your boyfriend is dealing with this situation screams psycho, ok? Refer to my first response in this thread. You are exhibiting the exact behavior I thought you would.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I can see his point that his finances could be impacted by the decisions about to be made... But for him to tell me I'm not capable of handling this on my own. And then triggering this hostility from my ex... Is too much. the problem is that he thinks that me being cordial and working w my ex before mediation.. Is me being "nice" as if we still have a relationship. Which is not the case... It's just that I know my ex does not work with me if he is threatened.

 

I agree that I have to end this. The hard part is going to be how.. I have my belongings at his house ... Which I have to wait until he goes to work on Monday to get....

 

Once I get them out ... I think I will leave a note and simply disappear.

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Did you move in with him? Wasn't your lease just up?

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I only had clothing and a few items... Because my ex is holding everything else hostage. So yes I've been staying with him... But i don't have a ton to move out.

 

I've secured a new lease that he does not know about.

MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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I'm simply going to quote some harsh truth that snowflake wrote in one of your other threads, because I'm not sure you let it sink in. This is what you're looking at.

 

 

 

"I mean this in the kindest and most gentle way -- I honestly think your son would be better off with his father, at least for now. I don't think you are a horrible person, but I don't think you are sufficiently emotionally stable to give him what he needs from a parent right now. You have your own issues to deal with, and lots of them. As I've said more harshly before in other threads, you put your own personal desires above your relationship with your child and his well-being. He deserves a mom who can see past her own mess enough to put him first. It doesn't sound like you are capable of doing that right now. If you want to take your chances with this man, so be it -- it doesn't seem like any amount of advice or feedback makes the slightest difference. But your child doesn't deserve to be dragged along."

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snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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Why do you keep creating new usernames?

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Why do you keep creating new usernames?

 

Whoa, I just quoted you, and here you are! Freaky deaky!

 

 

I asked the same question. No answer. :confused:

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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Whoa, I just quoted you, and here you are! Freaky deaky!

 

 

I asked the same question. No answer. :confused:

 

LOL! Uncanny, indeed! I doubt we get an answer on either point. OP never acknowledges posts about the well-being of her child. She only appears interested in ways to continue pacifying this man. I realized when you referenced her THIRD username in that other thread that this is the same person who tricked her ex into a divorce -- very weird to me that the ex has since been painted as a crazy person responsible for the BF behaving the way he does. The ex seems like the only stable person in the situation, IMO.

 

ETA: My mistake, Midwest. It wasn't that you mentioned the 3rd username -- you'd linked this thread, where OP made the mistake of responding using a different account than she did to start the thread. LOL.

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MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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ETA: My mistake, Midwest. It wasn't that you mentioned the 3rd username -- you'd linked this thread, where OP made the mistake of responding using a different account than she did to start the thread. LOL.

 

Yea, I didn't point out that third username, but I did know who it was. She was a divorced woman who was already dating and encountering control freaks. I believe one was an awesome surgeon! Coinkidinky!

 

 

Yep, child belongs with dad for now. Shouldn't be exposed to this mess.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I am working to get my stuff together and make this right. But I have to say my ex isn't exactky a peach either.

 

my divorce was filed in June -- it became final on August 20th. I have been married for 14 years. I have one son -- he's 8. I have always been the breadwinner and have moved a lot for my career. My ex is a photographer and he's always moved with me....as I have always gotten HIM a job. I've told my employers that it was a "team hire"....as I'm in TV.

 

But, my ex always made about a quarter of my salary. It's been a problem.... and when we moved back to current city over a year ago....he chose to "work from home" and be a stay at home Dad.

 

He also went through a 6 month stretch in our previous city ... not working and buying up a lot of furniture etc. We went broke. All the credit cards were in my name at that time...and I carried everything.

 

We nearly divorced then -- because he concocted a scheme...where he wanted me to divorce him...."file bankruptcy alone" to fool the courts and creditors and then we'd get back together. (That was his plan - so we didn't wreck his credit and we could eliminate debt).

 

Well, I was stupid enough to file bankruptcy alone -- but I got a guilty conscience and had it voluntarily dismissed. My ex was livid -- could not believe I didn't go through with it.

 

After moving to current state, of course, the debt continued. His credit was perfect but mine was awful -- we had to put house and car leases in his name -- because I couldn't qualify. He said "just do what you have to do..."

 

So, finally -- he begged me about 7 months ago to just file bankruptcy again in current state. Said he would find an apartment near the house -- and would "play the game of divorce for the courts" and wanted me to file bankruptcy once and for all.

 

I went down to the clerk's office - filed the forms for divorce in June and got everything in motion. I told him I would just split everything 50/50 and while I would have "home parent" on the forms -- we'd reduce child support to 200.00 a month and he could continue to have our son during the week etc.... he told me "great...just make it happen." I have text messages where he's giving me his DL number -- since I'm filling out the forms for him and he instructs me to just "fill in any info for me..."

 

Well, about 3 weeks after this ...we got into a huge fight where he became violent at me again -- and I looked him in the eyes and said -- that's it -- THIS divorce is REAL. I am not going to live like this.

 

He walked away from me -- in anger. But, didn't bring it up again. At that point -- I hired attorney to look over my final decree to make sure that I wasn't doing anything that could cause me problems after it was made final. He added some language about my ex getting reduced child support because of his willingness to take our son more often than demanded. But, other than that -- we were good to go.

My ex had the decree laying on the counter (we were still living in the same lease house) ....and had every opportunity to take it to an attorney. But, he did not.

Well, in August -- it was made final. He started making child support payments through the state -- we got the house leased out early -- and we were living in separate residences. He even agreed to help me get the lease for my apartment downtown because I clearly could never get approved on my own....

Despite the finality -- he said that he wanted me back. He begged -- pleaded -- said that he'd do ANYTHING. (he thought I filed bankruptcy -- which I did NOT do).

He started becoming obsessive. I told him -- no -- I'm not coming back. That I loved him and cared for him -- but that I couldn't live like this anymore. He was a good dad....(at that time) and we just continued to have a cordial relationship....friendly. (Of course, because I was still paying ALL his bills)

 

That was until he found out that I was dating another guy after the divorce.... he freaked out. He started threatening him...he broke into my phone/emails/computer -- he told me that he wanted to "ruin me..."

 

He told my 8 year old (while I was on speaker phone) that Mommy's "friend" was actually her boyfriend (which I would have NEVER disclosed) and that Mommy was a liar and was leaving Daddy and him because she didn't love them anymore. "Mommy even cut off Daddy's healthcare and she won't pay me any money to live anymore...."

 

He tried to do even further public damage- he said he contacted the city newspaper -- and wanted to report that I had done some consulting work on the side for HIS video business (not supposed to do that as a TV anchor). (I did it to help him build a "home business"..)

 

He even informed me that he was going to report that I committed fraud for taking apartment lease in his name (my name is on it, too)...and said I could never prove that he agreed to helping me (the lease application was all online - not in person).

 

He also told a huge group of our old colleagues from TV -- that I was a whore -- that I filed divorce on him and never told him -- and that he had NO idea I ever filed divorce in the first place.

 

That started getting around and I panicked -- I thought I was going to get fired. I met with ex at the lease house on Sept. 22nd and told him that this had to stop. When I initially walked in the door -- he tried to rip my pants off -- saying he wanted to make sure I wasn't wearing a wire. He grabbed me (in that area) and I had to push him away.

 

He eventually calmed down -- I tried to explain to him how HORRIBLE he's been to me....and how unfair it was that he would claim that "I" committed fraud and adultery -- when "I" was the one who couldn't go through with his little games.... I had even filed 2 police reports for harassment against him....I have the case number ...as evidence.

 

He apologized and even agreed to sign a document (drafted by attorney) that stated he did not accuse me of forgery, fraud or adultery etc etc. He said he would sign that ...in case my HR department at work ever started sniffing around.

 

So -- we became much more amicable (once again).... we continued to live in separate places -- he stayed with my son most nights during the week -- and I would stop to see him on my dinner breaks and take him to school in the am.

 

All this continued until about 3 weeks ago -- when I stopped paying his rent -- and his bills. He freaked out again and hired an attorney. They wanted to seek a Temporary restraining order because they didn't want to me to move out of city....the decree states that I get to choose geographical locations.

He says he wants FULL custody -- whether i'm in current city (because of my night time TV hours) or elsewhere and child support.

 

He threatened to put all of the above allegations about me being fraudulent etc etc in the affidavit for the TRO. I told attorney -- why don't we just voluntarily give him the TRO? I had NO intentions of leaving the city within 14 days and I would NEVER take my son without ex's knowledge -- no matter what.

But, here I am now -- fighting for custody, for my reputation and my sanity. My bosses here in this city won't give me a day schedule (I asked and they told me they'd let me go...if I couldn't fulfill the duties of my contract).

 

Now, I have a PR job 2 hours away -- and I'm ready to move around first of the year -- was going to take December off to get my son ready and acclimated and then this hits....

 

My ex is also doing further damage with these "fraud" claims -- (even though I was still paying ALL of his bills)....

 

He called a local beauty salon that had his card on file from many months ago...and told them that all charges made were "fraud" and that I was using his card fraudulently..... which is NOT the case.

 

He said that the car HE CURRENTLY drives and purchased 2 years ago...(while I was going through the bankruptcy) was also "fraud"...he said that "he didn't sign the loan documents which were fed-ex'd to him".... and wants me to pay for that "crime". He test drove the car -- and has been paying the car payment for TWO years on that car -- and he now says "I" obtained it fraudulently?!?

 

I guess here's what I want to know. First, what would you do if you were me? Would you leave and take the new job 2 hours away and lose custody temporarily -- and ask for custody in 6 months when I have proof of my stability? Or stay in town and lose custody -- because of my night TV hours...and pay child support here....with no chance of change in hours.

 

I am a very hard worker and I have been stupid...with my ex husband...

I allowed him to run me into the ground.... and now he has told everyone we worked with and know that I'm a whore etc etc etc.

 

A couple of other facts -- My ex had a CPS report and had to undergo anger management classes for kicking our son in the rib cage several years ago. In addition, he's been treated for a porn addiction -- and told me a few years ago that he developed his addiction (that I discovered) because he was raped by a black man when he was **26** years old....

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Edited by misery25
MidwestUSA Established Member

MidwestUSA

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Again, why all the usernames? It makes you look like a hot mess, you know?

 

For the record, the time frames you've given in other posts indicate you were committing adultery. You were dating before your divorce was final.

 

 

And, as I said elsewhere, it's well documented here that you knowingly slid a divorce decree past your husband, leading him to believe something else.

 

 

I don't have any advice about what job you should take. Seems to be the least of your worries to me. But take the one closest to the psycho boyfriend, and leave your son with his dad. Your bf will ensure you never see him.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I'm currently planning my exit from the "psycho BF" on Monday morning... Trying to figure out how to get my stuff out of there while he's st work and disappearing...

 

He told my ex that we are engaged which we are not. But he's even suggested we get married tomorrow so we can look better to judge to keep my son. I could do that and take his $$$$. But I'm not I'm just going to pack up Monday and disappear. I will stay in the same city as my son ... Despite my bad hours. At least I'll get to see him at lunches and dinner breaks etc. that's simethjng I can't do ... Far away.

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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You need either be with your son, or be with BF. Not both. And you are all over the place. You intend to end it with BF, but you're still thinking about taking a job 2 hours away from your child? In the city where BF lives? Why would you even be considering that if you were going to break it off with him?

 

If you are going to take a job where BF lives, PLEASE LEAVE YOUR SON WITH YOUR EX. I don't know how to say that any more clearly. Your ex may be petty, which is one thing -- but your BF is DANGEROUS, which is quite another. Again, you won't answer why, but you have multiple accounts on this forum. And you've used each and every one of them to question whether you should stay with this man since early summer -- way before your divorce even became final! As a side note, I noticed you lied about this in another thread and swore up and down you weren't with this guy before your divorce was finalized -- why is that? In fact, you had another BF before this one.. somebody who was on drugs, I think? The one you were considering sticking with because he made $900k per year. I'm not sure if it's because you're fed up with being the breadwinner, but it seems you are willing to tolerate just about anything from a man who has money.

 

But every thread is the same. You get great advice, say you're going to break it off -- then come right back with another thread with more bizarre and scary behavior on the part of BF who you love so much. Again -- if you want to stay stuck in that cycle, fine. But leave your child out of it.

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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

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Hi OP, I would like to know why you post the same story with several different user names, I mean the story does change a little bit from one to the other especially the time frames (like you started dating in your marriage right?) anyway I am not judging you for that but there must be a reason for all the different identities? And my advice to you is you are in no condition to be in a relationship with anybody since you seem to have dated only controlling psychos and you are always ready to move in with them after 2 weeks, and you probably should let your kid's father have your son while you try to work through all of this because it's so unfair to your son. Why do you need an "exit strategy" with this loser you are dating, too. You have only known him for a couple of months right? Just say you're sorry it's not working for you and get on with your life!!

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Jules Dash Established Member

Jules Dash

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I think the re-posting of the same story over and over is simple. This is the typical person attracted to a specific type of bad man and knows the man is bad for her yet she continues to be attracted to this type. She knows these men are not good for her and she is also addicted to receiving advice in regards to these men but she will never truly accept the advice, she just wants to hear/read it. She will continue to date guys like this, seek advice she will never use, rinse and repeat...

 

OP, your life is an absolute mess. A nightmare comes to mind but you probably call it "Tuesday." I would strongly consider forcing yourself to just be alone for now and when you are able to date again (you are not fit to date now), strongly consider the clean-cut, plaid shirt, plaid pants-wearing nerd who treats all women well.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I think the hard part is he has wanted to pay my legal Bills.. Offering to get a line of credit etc. I've never allowed that. But he just started blaming me. Saying this all failed because I didn't listen to HIM. So I said if you are going to direct... You will have to pay. He instantly balked and said he couldn't believe I was dumping all of my mess in him now... And it's too late because I've already screwed it up.

 

He says all of THAT and then about an hour later is telling me how much he loved me and how he can't live without me.

Anderlie Established Member

Anderlie

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Dude, don't take any of this man's money and for gods sakes don't let him take any sort of lead in your divorce or custody issues. Are you crazy?! He has absolutely no claim to any of those proceedings and frankly the fact that you'll gamble on him running the show with your son at stake is not making you look good. Your kid deserves better than you, harsh but true. Go seek help and sort yourself out so you can be a good mother.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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I haven't take a dime of his money and I don't plan to... But it's just very apparent to me that he would forever hang his "help" over my head. When I told him I didn't need his money etc... He told me I did and to stop saying no...

 

Today our biggest fight was the fact that my ex was allowed to attend our son 9th bday party and he wasn't...

 

I said with thr annymosity he started regarding our divorce fight....I was worried it would cause our son too much stress.

 

Just seems very jealous, controlling and angry....

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

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Will you PLEASE answer the question:

 

Why do you keep posting about the same situation under at least 3 different user names?

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snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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I haven't take a dime of his money and I don't plan to... But it's just very apparent to me that he would forever hang his "help" over my head. When I told him I didn't need his money etc... He told me I did and to stop saying no...

 

Today our biggest fight was the fact that my ex was allowed to attend our son 9th bday party and he wasn't...

 

I said with thr annymosity he started regarding our divorce fight....I was worried it would cause our son too much stress.

 

Just seems very jealous, controlling and angry....

 

But you aren't going anywhere, so there's really no point in complaining.

snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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Will you PLEASE answer the question:

 

Why do you keep posting about the same situation under at least 3 different user names?

 

Doubt you'll get an answer to this. I know one thing, though -- if ex-hubby stumbled upon this board & printed out these threads, he'd have custody in a heartbeat.

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Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

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OP, now I'm REALLY confused. According to your threads, you have been dating a LOT since February, but you were married until August, and every guy you dated was almost exactly like this one, who you have only known for TWO MONTHS and you are this wrapped up in him? Nothing adds up I wish you would just be honest.

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snowflakes88 Established Member

snowflakes88

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OP, now I'm REALLY confused. According to your threads, you have been dating a LOT since February, but you were married until August, and every guy you dated was almost exactly like this one, who you have only known for TWO MONTHS and you are this wrapped up in him? Nothing adds up I wish you would just be honest.

 

This is why I take the stuff she says about her ex with a grain of salt. There are so many lies, it's difficult to keep up.

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misery25 Member

misery25

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My ex and I were separated since I started "dating". He didn't seem to really care about anything until all this hit...

 

I have been with the current boyfriend since late June. I met him after I filed divorce. He told me he wanted me to move in... Quit my job etc back in September.

 

He truly loves me. I know this. But he keeps blaming me for everything that has gone wrong w my divorce. He would tell me to do one thing.. And if it didn't work out... He'd say "see what happened... I told you that you were too nice. You screwed this up". "I should have taken charge in the beginning because I KNEW this was going to happen.."

 

He's perfect when life seems perfect. But when he's angry...look out. Traffic ... Someone screws up his coffee... He is not happy.

 

My choice would be to see my son every other weekend and live w BF ... And have him ANGRY over the travel to see him 150 miles away. Or to stay in my current career .. And have dad keep him during week (because of my hours) and see son for dinner breaks during week and have him every other weekend. I stand a greater chance of spending time w my son if I don't move away.

 

As crazy as it may sound... I love my BF so much. But my gut tells me something is wrong. And to those who wonder why I struggle so much... I was a rape victim for over a year ...as a child. And it clearly screwed me up

CalvinM Established Member

CalvinM

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I don't think any of us were wondering that.

 

We're only wondering why you've posted this story three times (at least), under three different usernames.

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