Red Flags? what do i do?

November 28, 2014

I am really in a bind. I am recently divorced and dating a man VERY seriously --who lives 150 miles away. I have a very successful career but the hours are long and it takes time away from my son. I rarely get to see him during the week because of my work hours.

Well, my relationship with BF moved very fast. He loves me very much and I adore him. He will travel 300 miles a day just to visit me -- after he gets off of work. He juggles his work schedule just to make sure he's in town during the week -- at least 3 days a week. We are always together on weekends.

But, here's my concerns: he was very suscpicious of my relationship with my ex. (I was far too friendly for too long -- and it worked -- to keep consistent access to my son.) But, once my ex found out about my BF -- he freaked out. He turned nutso -- threatening to take my son away -- and trashed my name through the city and work.

My BF is insanely jealous and he found a text message on my computer from my ex that said something like "I understand we need to be apart, but when we were alone recently -- I felt hope and more alive than ever..."

My BF FREAKED OUT. I told him that it was when I was walking back to my car after dropping son off to school --that's when we were alone. Well, he SORT of calmed down. But, then 2 nights later -- he went through all of my text messages in my phone. He found texts that I sent to a guy I used to communicate with -- and the worst thing I said in there was "miss you...hope you guys are well." "thinking of you...hope you are having a good day."

THAT nearly broke us up. He FREAKED out -- said he was leaving. Started crying. Told me he thought I was sleeping around. I did NOT. He called the guy and asked the extent of our relationship. The guy told him that nothing happened...which it didn't.

So BF takes me back. Wants us to be together forever etc. Says he just loves me SO much he will do his best to trust me. Well, now he has rough moments. He secretly goes through my phone. Anytime I get a text -- he wants to see it. I have told him he needs to be able to trust me -- and if he can't --then he needs to tell me. Well, it doesn't work. This morning he was irate -- because he said I was "acting suspicious" with my phone -- and he grabbed it from my hands and started going through it. He found nothing -- because there was NOTHING! He spent over an hour telling me how terrible he felt -- how his stomach hurt -- that he was so stressed and he couldn't take this "weird feeling" he keeps having -- that I am hiding stuff from him.

He also gets upset if I change plans -- for example..we were supposed to go out of town this weekend. I offered -- simply offered - to just stay home and chill -- so we could get in the xmas spirit -- because I could tell that he was very upset and stressed over this stuff -- and he accused me of "once again --things are changing and nothing every happens the way you say it will"....

I told him that I love him and I was ONLY offering to do that -- because I wanted us to have peace - and have a fun weekend. He eventually accepted it -- but seemed to be very worried about it.

He has fits of anger -- where he gets super upset --where he says he feels unhealthy or unfit. (he's a very fit guy). He says that anxiety over us -- keeps him from sleeping well or working out as much as he used to.

Last night -- I had been at work and I thought my FB got hacked and I deactivated my account until I got home so I could figure it out. He freaked out when he met me at the door. He said why are you blocking me on FB? I said no -- I didn't -- I just needed to find out if I got hacked. I handed him the phone. Asked him to help me. He had a very tough tone with me -- and began suggesting that I was AGAIN -- acting suspicious and "weird" to him...and that's why he can't feel peace.

Well, now he wants me to move in with him. My lease is up in 5 days and I haven't found another place...and I have been seriously considering moving with him. He says he wants to marry me -- and he wants me to just have a comfortable life. He is a very successful man -- He truly adores me. I know that. He says I'm the love of his life and that he can't live without me. And I feel that way about him. I've been crying all day because I don't know what to do. I know If I don't move in -- he will freak out and say he can't do this anymore.... since we live so far from each other now. But, it requires me giving up my career too....

I'm wondering if these things above -- are too much? Am I just too sensitive? I feel guilty for the texts exchanged -- so I can understand his fears.

November 28, 2014

Why are you with this guy? Sounds like a control freak and a nightmare.

November 28, 2014

No, no, no, no, no. NO!

Are you serious?!?!?

This guy is a lunatic! You want to move in with him??? Marry him????! Have him around your son???

This guy has mental problems. Serious. They're not going to get better, only worse. He has severe insecurity issues and he's taking it all out on you.

He has NO RIGHT to go through your phone secretly, demand your phone, rip your phone out of your hand, and everything else he's doing. NO RIGHT.

He has boundary issues, self control issues, control problems, and it's bordering on abuse.

Get away from this guy!

Edit: and what did I just read about you giving up your career for this guy?! jesus christ lady. he and this relationship will be the biggest mistake you ever make if you stay.

Edited November 28, 2014 by KatZee

November 28, 2014

Awwwww he must really love you, but seriously run away from this control freak.

November 28, 2014

Run like the wind, woman. This guy is not good news. You need to work on your self-worth if you think this is a recipe for a healthy relationship.

And keep in mind: the ones who scream loudest about infidelity are often times doing it themselves.

November 28, 2014

Your boyfriend seems like the type to hurt you physically because he loves you so much and then turn around and say "now look what you made me do!"

I am also getting the vibe that you are the type to say "he wasn't trying to hurt me; he just loves me so much."

November 28, 2014

Ok, I can understand finding something odd and questioning it. But once you find out that your fears are unwarranted then you gotta let it go. This guy sounds like he will be a serial abuser if you move in with him...so ummm don't!! Tell him you need more time and that his recent behavior is a cause for concern. I'd imagine if he takes your phone now when you don't live with him, you'll be getting stripped searched when you do. You don't want to put your son in that type of environment either. Certainly do not give up your career for anyone (especially not this nutcase)!! Best of luck and please get out of this relationship. It's not gonna work with him second guessing your every move. Don't wait until he hits you or something to leave because just like the relationship escalated quickly, so will the violence.

November 28, 2014

would you accept this behavior from a friend, sister, brother, etc? no? then why from him?

November 28, 2014

He sounds like my ex.

Only, I didn't let him have access to my phone. Not that I was 'up to' anything but I wouldn't even look at his phone if it rang out of respect for his privacy, he on the other hand couldn't abide me using my phone nor my laptop so would lean over me constantly if I was doing anything on either.

After 7 months and several attempts to ditch him we had an argument about his clinginess and controlling ways. He raised his hand to me that night - something I only recalled after we had split up. I never understood before I remembered that why it was that I had run and locked myself in the toilet.

Once I remembered him gesturing to hit me it all fell into place.

Get away from this guy.

Things are only going to get worse for you. What he is displaying now is only a taster. He wants more control over you which is why he wants you to move in.

November 28, 2014

Do a search on the traits of an abuser. His picture will be there as an example.

You have been forewarned.

November 28, 2014

He wants you to move in with him so he can watch your every move. Grabbing your phone and going through it!!? He has some major insecurities & he sounds like he would go off on you physically and you want to have your son around this?

You need to run...!! Even then he wont be gone, you'll be stalked & threatened, this guy is CRAZY!!

November 28, 2014

I'll tell you what's been said before in your other threads, mommame2. He's a control freak and has 'abuser' written all over him.

Get the help you were just taking about checking into. Please.

You're justifying his behavior by saying he has 'rough moments'? That's a heavy sugar coat. And, this creep is trying to separate you from your son. He doesn't love you, he wants to own you. Give up your career and move, and you're toast.

November 28, 2014

I have been seriously considering moving with him.

Don't expose your kid to this kind of manipulative, controlling, possessive behavior. If he's acting this nutty now, how much worse will it get if you move in with him? You won't even be able to call your sister without being accused of cheating.

November 28, 2014

These fits of anger and insecurity will get worse and you will find yourself walking on eggshells, you will find yourself trying to second guess how he will react and you will change how you act and how you speak to avoid him getting angry, to avoid him getting the least bit upset.

Once your career is gone, he will persuade you not to work, not to go out alone, not to see your friends...

You are obviously aware of how bad this is, because you even mention "red flags" in your post heading.

RUN.

November 28, 2014

It is interesting to see how many people are jumping into labelling this guy as crazy. However when a person just like that guy writes a post about how he or she cannot control jealousy and insecurity and what to do about it, then they get a pet on the back.

To me it is seems that he feels bad about the way he feels and acts, as she hinted in her post.

He might have thing from the past and something that hurt him in the past.

Finally, the person that posted might have not told the whole story and if she did anything to trigger those kinds of fears in him. But having an ex so wildly jealous of the new guy will put the new guy at alert, no wonder. He must be thinking who the hell is he to dictate whether or not she can have a new relationship. So this must be a sign in his head that something is still going on between them, as if she made it clear that the ex is unimportant and should back of, that she is not interested etc, the ex would not feel he has the right to interfere.

We do not know who the woman from the post is and what is his side of the story. When she presents it, I wonder what is left unsaid, is she the flirtatious kind, did she hurt him with something etc.

If she did everything right and did not make him suspicious by her own actions, then yes, the guy should go to see the shrink, no offence intended as shrink is something most of the people need at some point in life or another.

Still the ex should be firmly told to back the hell off. By her and on her own for the sake of not creating anxiety for her BF if he means anything to her. Having that relationship with ex is bound to put any new guy on the edge not just this one. This one just reacted in a very paranoid way, but you know what, most of the people ARE paranoid.

An alternative point of view on what has turned into a witch hunt.

November 28, 2014

Please listen to all people above and RUN!!! Seriously, I've been with someone like that before and the issues become only worse once you move in with him. I'm glad it's in the past for me now!

You get attracted to these type of men because they are serious about you and you feel like you are appreciated and they love you (going many miles to see you etc.). But this is only what it seems to be... because they act like that because they want to own and control your whole life and NOT because they love you.

But on the other hand these men will try to control every sphere of your life and once you don't fit into their 'ideal picture of life' you will be abused and accused of many things constantly. Something is wired 'wrong' in their brain and they get upset and angry every time something goes different than they've expected (like changing plans together), their stomach hurts and they cry, because they can't cope with that. The worst is... they only accuse YOU for them feeling like that and never see a minor fault with themselves.

Seriously, don't progress things with him, those red flags are too major to be dealing with him any further, so PLEASE RUN!

November 28, 2014

I think veggirls test "would you accept this behavior from a friend, sister, brother, etc? no? then why from him?" - says it all really.

November 29, 2014

It is interesting to see how many people are jumping into labelling this guy as crazy. However when a person just like that guy writes a post about how he or she cannot control jealousy and insecurity and what to do about it, then they get a pet on the back. t.

Show me one example of that here, please. From what I see, members come down hard on those guys when they post. Of course you will get someone patting him on the back but the overwhelming majority will have torches burning

December 6, 2014

Today was the first time I truly saw this for the mess it is.

I had a mediation scheduled because my ex was trying to take me to court to get my son away from me and my BF.

We were near a deal last night to avoid the mediation but my BF started screaming at my ex in the background of the phone and then texting him .., threatening him. The deal was off.

So we went to mediation this morning. My BF was very angry that my attorney (I pay the bills and hired him) would not allow him in MY mediation. He dropped me off at the mediation and then started pounding me w texts. Telling me that he couldn't believe I wouldnt demand that he was there and put in charge. His reasoning was that he wants to marry me and that this was going to impact HIM financially in the future. So he felt he should be involved.

When he finally came to pick me up he was pounding the ceiling of the car because he was so mad. I did NOT reach an agreement with my ex and a hearing is imminent. BF was angry that I set a deposition date that he could not be present for. He saw I was very shaken and accused me of talking w my ex and conspiring against him. He was screaming and yelling at me saying that "something is weird" about why I won't let him handle everything and that he feels he's not getting the whole story and I must be hiding something from him.

He said that he wants to take over. Hire a new attorney. Pay my bill but HE will be in charge because he wants to ruin my ex.

Now tomorrow is my son's bday party. He is angry that I'm going to be there w my ex and he is insisting he go. My son is 9 and is very aware that my BF and his daddy are at war. I told him it was best that my son have a break from the drama and I'll suck it up for 2 hours alone.

I am very scared about HOW to even begin to end this. BF on one hand is very generous to offer to pay my bills. He's in love with me. But he wants control. Of everything.

Time to leave?

December 6, 2014

It is interesting to see how many people are jumping into labelling this guy as crazy. However when a person just like that guy writes a post about how he or she cannot control jealousy and insecurity and what to do about it, then they get a pet on the back.

Well there is a huge difference between

1. Having someone with rage/jealousy issues come onto a forum and confess their issues and that they cope in really bad ways, and for people to tell them that their emotions are not bad but rather their coping methods are bad and to encourage them to get some help.

and

2. Having someone come onto a forum and be like yeah I get mad and beat my spouse and for people to be like HIGH FIVE DUDE.

and

3. Telling an abused person to run for their life.

December 6, 2014