what does ex want out of friendship if he doesn't say anything friendly?

[dawn duval]

I broke up with my fiance about 2 weeks ago. I still love him very much and want to work things out. I was just starting to lose it because I've only been divorced a few months.

 

He and I were dating before the divorce went thru -- we've actually been dating around a year. But he lives overseas and I wanted to get to know him much better (by living together) before we got married. He was planning to move out in a few months, but in order to get the visa worked out we probably would have had to marry within a year. I love him with all my heart, I was just starting to freak out with the intensity of it, having only been divorced a short while. I was starting to overreact to every little thing he said, thinking do I want to be married to him if he does this or that? (little things)

 

I really am in love with him but I felt awful being with him while I still had guilt and pain over my ended marriage. When we broke up, I made it clear that I love him and want to work things out some day, I just want to have a chance to get my head straight and get over the divorce.

 

We were very civil at first and tried to be friends. He was very insistent that we remain friends. But thru the week his emails got more distant and less friendly. I pointed this out, and he said it was inevitable that he would pull away. Now he's saying he doesn't know if he ever wants to be with me, even tho I know I want to work things out with him some day. But, we really have to be friends, he says, it's very important that we remain friends. But I told him it was best for me to not be friends, and try to move on, because it was too hard if it feels so distant and he plans to move on anyway.

 

But after a couple of days I realized we really are great as friends, so I told him we would try, and I decided I would deal with it if he meets someone else. He was so happy at first, but now his emails are back to the stiff, non-friendly ones I was getting before.

 

It's tearing me apart because I've lost my fiance and my best friend. As soon as I sensed he was pulling away, I wondered if the friend thing was doomed. But he is so insistent that we remain friends and I don't know why. If he wants to move on, isn't it better to cut me off, rather than encourage me to write him? Does this mean he holds out hope we will be together? Or is he just trying to torture me?

 

I feel terrible that I let him down because I didn't take the time I needed to heal from my divorce earlier. I really can't imagine being with another man, and the stupid thing is, I plan to wait for him until, I don't know, but right now it feels like I'll wait for him forever. Have I ruined things with him? I really feel like I still need time to get over my divorce, because it was affecting me so badly before and I want to be totally healed before making any new commitments. But I am definitely waiting for him. Because he's pulling away, I feel like I shouldn't pour my heart out to him and tell him how much I love him. I figure he needs time too to figure out what he wants. I'm sure he was devasted by this. But I thought from his strong encouragement that we could at least be friends for now, very close friends.

 

It hurts so much to not get friendly responses from him that I'm thinking about pulling away completely until he's ready. But if I do that, he'll start asking me again if I'm mad at him. I don't know how to handle this. Should I keep trying at the friend thing? I figure our best chance for working out as a couple some day is for me to take time to heal, and at least for us to be friends in the meantime, especially since he's insisting we should be. But could this be making him feel worse? What does he want from me?

[Pocky]

I think both of you are expecting something that's going to be extremely difficult to be easy. Consider what you both are now trying to do. You have gone from almost being married to just friends. The dynamics in your relationship is completely different and I'm sure there has got to be some confusion on both your parts as how you're supposed to act. What is acceptable to say and what is not acceptable to say? Are you both waiting or are you not waiting? Will there be time to heal or won't there?

 

You both need to get on the phone and talk. Make a plan. Explain what the expectations are and explain what your future plans are. If you have every intention of marrying him, but just need some time to clear things in your head, then he needs to understand that. If you're not going out and dating and you don't want him to date then he needs to know that.

 

Honestly, I find it confusing that you want to be friends, yet you plan on marrying him. If you need some space then you need some space but that doesn't automatically mean the relationship is over. People can still be committed to each other and have some space in the relationship. You've ended the relationship completely. If I were him, I'd be extremely confused as to what was going on. You're either with him or you're not.

[dawn duval]

Hi Pocky,

I told him all that last week, about only wanting him, not wanting anyone else and just needing some time. He told me he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore which was when I decided (but later changed me mind) that we couldn't be friends. Sounds like he's just devastated by this and needs space, which I totally understand. So I figured best thing is to back off and stop declaring my love if he needs time to think. But now to have him snubbing my attempts at being a friend too hurts more than I can bear.

 

Even though he keep saying we should be friends, I'm thinking it's probably best to drift off completely until we both have our heads straight. I can't stand the disappointment of not being ignored as a friend too.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I'm thinking it's probably best to drift off completely until we both have our heads straight.

 

Good call.

 

You'll want to think about your motivation for being 'friends'. For you, it seems to be a way to secure a possible future. For him, its an excuse to let you go with a minimum of pain.

 

A lot of times, 'friends' isn't really friends. Its what you call that last little bit of love and affection you have for someone that you have fallen out of love with. Its the kindest way to say goodbye to someone that you still have enough emotion left for to not want to hurt them. That's why you hear so much of "he said he wants to be friends, but he isn't acting like a friend."

 

Once you lose your romantic and sexual context for a person, often there's nothing left to want to make a friendship out of. That could be the case here. Your guy said 'friends' because he still had some small amount of love for you, and when even that was sapped away by a long drawn-out breakup that was becoming increasingly difficult to get himself out of - there was nothing left, and he cut off even that option.

 

If there is any hope left, it will be killed off if you do not back up and give him the space you both need. He can't think about wanting you back, if you are putting him in a position where all he can think about is wanting to get out.

 

There is a lot going on for you that you will need some time to yourself to think about.

[dawn duval]

You'll want to think about your motivation for being 'friends'. For you, it seems to be a way to secure a possible future.

 

very good call. At my better moments I feel like we really could be friends no matter what, even if there were no chance we could ever be together. But a lot of times I think it is so we can be working on "a relationship", even if that's friends, so that when we're healed, we can have what we used to have and more.

 

I just got off the phone with my best girl friend and it's amazing how much better I feel. I gotta remember not to keep things so bottled up. I was obsessing over him last night, unable to sleep. Now I feel like I have a plan for the day to keep me away from my email and away from that darn phone. Or maybe I'm just exhausted from lack of sleep. In any case, ready to start a new day that's hopefully less obsessive.

 

Coincidentally, he just responded to my friendly email after a long long delay. I definitely feel either dragged along or that he's just putting in minimum effort to be "friends". I feel like it's unfair of me to respond until I'm in a better state. When I email other friends, I certainly don't stay up all night, clicking send/receive, waiting to see if they respond.