fanou22 Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Has any of you OWs and xOWs ever felt like a switch turned off in your relationship? I recently broke it off with MM. We had been hovering over the edge for some time. Two weeks ago, I felt like I was done with the whole relationship and that was the end. Today was the first day we talked. For some reason I did not feel anything towards him. Nothing that I would not feel with someone I had dated before. It felt like "yeah I loved that man but I don't anymore". Had anyone felt this way? On the bright side, last week I had a date with a SG. I had a blast. He kissed me at the end of the date and I felt butterflies in my stomach Whoooo what a change, before the date I could not fathom going out with anyone let alone kiss someone.
SadAndLonely Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 I can't say I've felt exactly that way because I've never been the OW, but otherwise I can relate. Good for you! Keep it up.
lynnered Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by fanou22 Has any of you OWs and xOWs ever felt like a switch turned off in your relationship?. not exactly same but, I've been nc now for 2 mnths, except for IM ,i feel a power shift , i mean he says he's really leaving ,i feel his sincerity ,i don't feel so insecure , he's more expressive,kind of like he realized what its like w/o me , but the switch i feel is, eventually i will say the he!! with this but i still love him and I'm at the point sometimes i wish he wasn't leaving it be easier to just be finished 1 way or the other , i am so happy for you!!!
WithOrWithoutYou Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 To the original poster: I think what you are experiencing is what a new relationship, or the promise of one, does to your feelings about the person who you really wanted for so long, but who you are beginning to realize is not going anywhere. I'm really happy for you, that you have found someone new, realized it can be good again, and got the courage to break it off with the MM. Congrats.
Author fanou22 Posted March 19, 2005 Author Posted March 19, 2005 Originally posted by WithOrWithoutYou To the original poster: I think what you are experiencing is what a new relationship, or the promise of one, does to your feelings about the person who you really wanted for so long, but who you are beginning to realize is not going anywhere. I'm really happy for you, that you have found someone new, realized it can be good again, and got the courage to break it off with the MM. Congrats. Actually the break up came before I went out on the date with SG. I had met SG around x-mas and gave him my number. He called me 2 months later the day following the break up. I hope this start leads somewhere because I really like him. I felt tired with MM. It was a constant struggle. I was settling with less and I was okay with it. We simply were not clicking anymore. I did not want to sacrifice for him. I had always known that one day it will end. All I need from you guys to wish me that SG calls for a second date. He made me laugh all the time. He is very funny and very smart
kkat Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 Fanou, I hope he calls you and I am so very happy for you. I wanted to tell you that despite what you might think from reading my posts here, I have felt this way. I was first involved w/ my ex-MM many years ago when we lived together for 3 years and I thought we were going to be married. We were disconnected, almost completely, other than a handful of phone conversations, for about 7 years. Our breakup the first time was unbelievably difficult and painful for me, but eventually I got to a point where I was ambivalent about him, much as you describe. I don't want to go into too many details because it will take me off topic, but aside from the fact that I got reinvolved with the same man years later.... Yes, I have felt like you feel. They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. And I got to that point, or almost at least. When I thought of him I had no feelings one way or the other. He didn't matter. I think where you are is the right place for you to be. I know from your posts you've worked really hard to move on and I am absolutely thrilled for you. This is a time for you to stay disconnected from him, avoid bringing up the old emotions, etc. And stay focused on yourself, and the new possibilities life is bringing you, whether with this guy you just went out with or otherwise. All good things and thoughts to you.
Author fanou22 Posted March 19, 2005 Author Posted March 19, 2005 KKat, Thanks for your thoughts and encouragement. I am staying away from MM. Yes we did talk yesterday and I enjoyed the conversation. I also did not feel the anticipation of wanting to see him. He asked to come over and see me which I declined. I also told him that I will not contact him in any way but I will answer his calls and reply to his e-mails. I do not have a problem with that since the switch has been turned off. I am replacing thoughts of MM with thoughts of SG. It is still new and it may never work out but I am hoping it will I hope what I am going through will help other OWs with their endings if this is really what they want. There is hope in the world and it is not related to MM. We are the ones who make ourselves happy (or miserable).
kkat Posted March 19, 2005 Posted March 19, 2005 I think that sounds like a great approach. I know that many or most of us here on LS advocate a strict no-contact approach. However, throughout my "process", both therapists I saw recommended that I not try strict NC initially. They both recommended that I go with more of a weaning off approach. Unfortunately my ex-MM has not yet mastered the concept of email so we never had that as an option, so our contact was always telephone, which became too much for me to handle and therefore I need more of a no-contact approach. For me, because of the addictive part as well, one phone call leads to a hundred. My rambling point is meant to be that if having occasional contact with him by email or whatever is working for you, don't question it. The key, I think, is to know whether you are moving forward or staying stuck (or going backwards). This is individual to everyone. For some of us, any contact at all keeps us stuck or going backward. For some people, that's not the case. Keep doing what works for you.
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