Arient Posted November 26, 2014 Posted November 26, 2014 Hi guys ( Firstly, I have to say that I feel very grateful that I found Loveshack, as it was and has been a great source of support and insights for me. I have been having a problem for quite a while, and it's bad that it's affecting my mood and my work quality too I have been in constant regret and I have always blamed myself for failing this relationship. I'm a very rational and independent woman, thus, stucking in this circle of blaming myself for so long made me scared that it might be really true that I ruined it So please, give me some of your insights as I think my mind now is no longer clear Long story short, I met my ex more than 4 years ago during my final semester of a master course, in his country. We literally 'bumped' into each other and grew madly in love. But then I had to go back to my country when my course ended, and we maintained a LDR til then. We loved each other a lot and it went really well even with the distance. We intended that I would move to his country whenever possible. The only problem was that he was still studying (32 this year, and his course was 5 years, and he has failed a few semesters in between, so it's taking very long, next year will be his 8th year learning his course), so no financial sources to guarantee or back up my visa application, it had to come from me. I also don't want to depend on him when I'm moving there, so I have been working my ass off to save money and prepare the papers. In order to strengthen the proof for me, I would need and want to have a small engagement before moving there, and we agreed to do so after 2,5 years of our relationship. But for both times, he cancelled it due to "not being able to change the work or school schedule" and "too expensive to fly to my country". I was very sad for both times, I tried my best to keep calm and not push him too much as I know he was not the type that can deal with too much stress. But I still stressed him out a few times during such period. Until the 2nd time that he decided not to come to my country, he said it would be best for us to BU. I got devastated, and managed to convice him to give it a 2nd try. I spent around 2 months to prepare for the trip (very long visa application procedure, as I'm from a much more underdeveloped country), I put off my work for 3 weeks and went there. He said that even though he still loved me, there was no more butterflies, and the sparks got weaker compared to before, and the passion was gone, so it was pointless in trying with the whole moving thing. He said he still loved doing things with me, going home to me, hugging and all, but it would be better for us to stop as we can find the new sparks again in new relationships. To me, it was like he already gave up even before my trip, as he even did not remember how long I would stay in his country for my trip even though he signed the guarantee paper for me. My ex generally is a very nice and sweet guy, a fun guy to be with, he was just not that fond of stress and dealing with difficulties, and until the very end, everything was very nice and things end amicably. I am also the only ex that he could live with when we were still together, as he would feel too boring or troubled if staying with friends or even girlfriends for too long (a few days for example). "The good BU" created a lot of difficulties for me in coping, as I have been blaming myself a lot. I always think that I should have tried harder to move there sooner, I should not have pushed him at that time as I know he can't deal with too much stress, as he was studying. I have been pinned down by the thought that I made him lose the passion and I was the one ruining our love. I also felt very lost with the "passion thing" he told me about, as he still loved doing things with me, as he still felt happy again whenever he saw me despite how bad his day was, as he enjoyed my company all the time, it was just that the strong passion of the first phase was not there, and he would need it more than anything else to keep the relationship, even if it means that he would have to move from one relationship to another. Am I wrong to think that, aren't love supposed to mean staying together through the highs and lows of sparks, aren't it supposed to mean that we're maturing and growing together despite the loss of initial passion? Or was it really true that love should end when the spark and passion are gone? Sorry for the long blahing I just felt very sad lately, and still blamed myself even though it's already 8 months post BU. It's affecting my work sometimes and I really don't like that. I just want some insights I think, to get my mind off this.
Author Arient Posted November 27, 2014 Author Posted November 27, 2014 I think I just need to know how to deal with all the regrets and blaming? As I think it's not very normal to still feel such feelings after quite a long time That worried me, aren't them supposed to be in only the earlier phases? If they last until now, does it mean that I really did something soo wrong? I know that I should treat those questions as irrelevant now and focus on healing, but they are still stuck there
Chin Up Posted November 27, 2014 Posted November 27, 2014 You're stuck. You're stuck because you're still performing an autopsy on a dead relationship. Dissecting, analyzing, and putting everything under a microscope. I know this is easier said than done, but the sooner you realize that it doesn't matter why it died, that its dead-end of story, the sooner you can put the scalpel down and stop wondering. You're kicking a dead horse for answers. Don't make any more excuses for him. Not one. Focus on his actions, not his words! I did the same thing with my ex. Got stuck on the stuff he said and ignored the lack of actions to back it up. He made a lot of noise about our future, but even more empty promises. Blamed myself for him not following through and figured it was my fault some how cuz he's such a "nice guy" and would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. And that's true, but the flip side was because he didn't even care enough to hurt me lol it just happened by default. It was a sharp sword to swallow, but in the end I had to face that he had strung me along, which hurt, but what hurt the most was that I let him. Some days I get stuck thinking about the positives and want him back badly, but more days than not, I remember the negatives (that I can now see there was a ton of now that I'm out of it) and want to tell him to shove a pineapple up his rear end for toying with me like he did. Kick him off that pedestal and put yourself back on it! 2
Author Arient Posted November 27, 2014 Author Posted November 27, 2014 Thank you very much. Your words are what I'm in need of hearing and being reminded of right now. I know I have been stuck for so long, and the only one who can free me is myself. I will try to list down what was bad about his actions during the final course of the BU instead. I'm just feeling very sad, and I think it was for the relationship, not for the man anymore. Thanks again
Chin Up Posted November 27, 2014 Posted November 27, 2014 It's hard, but it really does seem to me that he had no intentions of letting your relationship progress beyond what it was. He future faked the heck out of you, fed you a bunch of hopes and dreams of a future together, then any time it came close to making it a reality, he'd run off with an arsenal of excuses. Shame on him! He strung you along. As much as you miss him and the future he promised, you have the hard task of facing that it was all talk. Don't blame yourself. All you did was emotionally invest and put effort into someone that wasn't doing the same. That makes him the bum, not you! At some point you will see this for what it was, not the picture he painted it to be, and you're gonna be mad. Hecka mad. Mad with the intensity of a thousand suns haha. You're gonna be so mad that you hope a meteor lands on his house while he's sitting on the toilet. Anger is good, because it means you're no longer idolizing the person as some perfect irreplaceable being, and you're seeing all their faults and share of the blame in the relationships demise. Don't cry for him, cry for you. You're the one that got yanked around and didn't deserve that. Make that list and carry it around with you. I made my list on my phone so i can see it whenever/wherever I get misty or sad. Then I read it and think "jeez, what a f'n a-hole. What did I see in this guy? He was actually a really bad bf. I can't believe I let him do some of these things!" and then I smolder on that for a while haha. It helps! 1
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