Is this normal?

[veggirl]

Omfg you don't have to have dated a lot to know what behavior IS AND IS NOT acceptable in a GROWN UP. Do you think it would be okay if your sister or friend was having screaming fits over traffic? Would it be okay if they acted psycho and demanded to know where you are/who you're with/etc? Would it be okay if they were driving a wedge between you and your son?

[eye of the storm]

Mommame, this is going to be harsh. But you need to hear it.

 

Grow the f@*k up. Most kids go thru phases where they hate us call us liars and a laundry list of other crap.

 

My son "chose" his dad during/after the divorce. It felt like knives being shoved in my heart. But I refused to let him push me away. I loved him no matter how much it hurt me. Why? Because I am his mother. When he hit 17 he told me he was pressured to choose dad because his dad just lost it after the divorce (not because of me, just in general) and my son felt guilty. He and I "maintained" the relationship then. We have a great relationship now. Why? BECAUSE I AM HIS MOTHER AND I NEVER GAVE UP ON MY SON.

 

I am not saying fight for primary custody. Right now, I don't think it would be healthy for your son and it has nothing to do with your job. It has everything to do with the fact that you let men order you to do things you don't want to do and you just take it.

 

You are not a horrible person. You are acting horrible. You are making horrible decisions. But you are not a horrible person.

 

You are choosing a man (not a good man either) over your son. And, here is where my back stiffened up, you are trying to make is seem like it isn't your choice.

 

Your son is acting perfectly normal. He is stuck between three people using him as a pawn. You, the Ex, and the BF. He is angry, scared, and confused. And he should be. But instead of buckling down and going the extra yard for your son, you just say woe is me.

 

If you want to move in with the BF, do it. If you choose to not see your son anymore, do it. But don't act like you are being forced or you have no choice. You do. And you, right now, are choosing everyone over your son.

 

Being a good parent, doesn't always mean having primary custody. But it does mean continuing to parent, continuing to make sure your child is a priority.

 

You really need IC. You have deep issues that need alot of help. Why are you doing this. Why are you throwing not only your son, but yourself away? You act like neither of you have value. And you do.

 

I hope you get help. I hope you are able to stay in your son's life. I hope you and your Ex find a way to co-parent. And I hope you find a partner that is just that, a partner, not an evil overlord. I hope good things for you.

[Mommame2]

You are right...for some reason -- I have seriously considered giving up my very productive career -- for this man too. He tells me he loves me more than anyone or anything else -- and he's so obsessive with me -- I think that's true.

 

 

He does get angry -- and he's terribly jealous and suspicious - but I think I caused some of the latter...

 

 

But, the hardest part is him telling me that he can't handle me visiting my son every other weekend -- if I lose primary custody. He only wants my son with him and he says he can't live with me traveling 2.5 hours every weekend to see my son -- because he would worry that he can't trust me...and that I would be seeing my ex during that time and he wouldn't be around.

 

 

I told him last night -- that if he can't trust me or if he can't stop worry ing -- he needs to leave. I told him I don't deserve that...

 

 

I am so down tonight -- I am not suicidal -- but I do feel out of control and scared about my future. I'm thinking maybe I should take a week of leave of absence -- and get some mental help. Maybe I'm having a nervous breakdown...I don't know.

[eye of the storm]

Obsession is not love. And it is not healthy. And the most important thing, you love a person, you are obsessed with a thing. You are not a person to your BF, you are an object to be controlled.

 

When you love someone, you want them to be happy and fulfilled. You want good things for them. Even if it takes away from you.

 

This guy doesn't love you the person, he wants to control you the thing.

 

Telling you to quit your job makes you dependent on him, telling you he will pay for your attorney makes you owe him, making sure you son is either completely under his control or completely away from you gives him a weapon over you.

 

None of this is love. Love is a gift, freely given, expecting nothing in return. This guy does not love you.

 

Don't quit on your son, and don't quit on yourself.

 

BTW, go look up the early signs of an abuser and the signs you are in an abusive relationship...I think you will be horrified by how many apply to your situation. Abusive relationships never start out with black eyes and broken bones, they build up to it. And this guy is laying the foundation right now.

 

Go see someone, find out why you value yourself so little you accept this.

 

Find your feet, feel your power, become the mama bear your son NEEDS. Work with the father of your son. And tell that dictator to pack his crap and get out. He needs to go prey on someone else.

 

Good luck!!! I am pulling for you.

 

Edited to add:

 

OMG I completely missed this comment

He does get angry -- and he's terribly jealous and suspicious - but I think I caused some of the latter

Classic abused mentality. "I made him angry that is why he punched me. Ill behave and he will be fine. " Please God get out now. For you and for your son, get out now. Edited November 28, 2014 by eye of the storm

[spiderowl]

I went out for a while with someone who had anger problems in the car. He used to flinch all the time when going round a roundabout, as if the drivers of other cars were out to get him. He couldn't relax at all, he was tense and commenting on what others were doing every few minutes. I felt really uncomfortable in the car with him and on edge. I thought it was something that only happened in the car as he'd been so kind and sweet to me, until one occasion when I was inadvertently late and he came to pick me up. I had actually texted him but he'd left his phone at home and didn't get the message. He was so angry when I saw him he did not speak at first and then calmed down enough to frostily mention he had been angry. I was a bit worried about this as it seemed extreme. There were a couple of other occasions when he walked away from me for a while because he'd suddenly felt angry. Each time he said he had been angry but wasn't now. I was left wondering what he would have done if he hadn't walked away at that point. He was clearly 'managing' his anger.

 

We split up anyway but I am glad because I think it would have got worse. I think it was the tip of the iceberg. The anger and defensiveness in the car was a sign of an wider anger issue. I am very glad I didn't get too embroiled.

[FitChick]

This story is the perfect example of why you shouldn't date someone newly divorced, especially if they have kids.

[Ebelskiver]

Mark my words, this BF will someday start hitting you. And he won't stop until you leave. Don't let it get to that point. Leave now. Real men aren't obsessive and jealous and controlling. Real men trust you and want the best for you even if that means you can't be together.

 

You seriously need to get into therapy and get to the bottom of your nonexistent self esteem. Why would you allow a man to treat you this way?

[snowflakes88]

There are times I worry about myself...because I have considered the fact that my son may be better off without me in his life....

 

 

Maybe my ex is better off caring for him? I have always been the worker ...when my son was little -- I was insanely like "mother bear" ...I was SO worried about him -- all the time. So much so, I never even wanted to go out on date night -- because I was worried about being selfish.

 

 

But, after my ex encouraged me to take this better paying job -- that had bad hours for son -- I started to lose that ... I was no longer capable of going to his soccer practices (because I was working at the time) and all the after school events -- all went to my ex. He became father of the year and I lost the compulsion to be there for everything -- I felt like I had lost my family.

 

 

Then came the divorce -- and now I feel like my son has been turned against me by my ex. And son hates spending time with me... and calls me a liar ---because "daddy said so..." What good could come of me being in his life? Apparently -- I'm a horrible person....

 

I mean this in the kindest and most gentle way -- I honestly think your son would be better off with his father, at least for now. I don't think you are a horrible person, but I don't think you are sufficiently emotionally stable to give him what he needs from a parent right now. You have your own issues to deal with, and lots of them. As I've said more harshly before in other threads, you put your own personal desires above your relationship with your child and his well-being. He deserves a mom who can see past her own mess enough to put him first. It doesn't sound like you are capable of doing that right now. If you want to take your chances with this man, so be it -- it doesn't seem like any amount of advice or feedback makes the slightest difference. But your child doesn't deserve to be dragged along.