Me and ex went out, got a bit drunk, ended up kissing.....but not back together

[eastern_mystique]

Hey,

 

My ex broke up with me about 2 weeks ago. We were together for about 3 months, he's 18 and I'm 19. Our relationship was intense and moved a little bit too fast, but we were mostly happy. Our breakup happened quite suddenly; a few days before he told me that he didn't feel the same anymore and that the 'spark' wasn't there. We've remained close ever since, he did give me the whole 'lets be friends' line, but I think he actually means it. I know he likes another girl who likes him, he told me (that's how close we are) but according to his two closest friends, they don't think it's serious and if anything happens it'll just be a minor fling.

 

Anyway, he invited me out last night with one of our friends and we drank quite a bit. Towards the end of the evening I came onto him (I knew what I was doing but the normal braking mechanisms that apply in these kind of situations was rendered useless by the alcohol). He responded and we kissed four of five times. When we left later on we were holding hands. The fact that we could walk in a [mostly] straight line and have a coherent conversation, made me feel that maybe this hadn't all come about because of the drinking. Anyway, I tried to talk to him about us getting back together, but he said that he wasn't in the right state of mind to really decide at the moment, which was fair enough.

 

Today we talked at college and he said that even though he knew what he was doing and he enjoyed it, he did regret it when he got home, and he felt bad for giving me mixed signals, that it happened because he lost all inhibition. He said that for us to get back together now would be 'too soon', so I stupidly asked when would it not be too soon and he said he didn't know, he doesn't even know if we'll get back together. He said he still feels the same as when we broke up, and for the moment all he wants us to be is friends.

 

To be honest, even though I've tried not to, I do feel upset about it....and a bit used. The overall feeling I get is that he still wants me to an extent and there are some feelings......but he just doesn't want a relationship with me, not right now. The maddening, frustrating thing is that I know what went wrong in our relationship and that it could be fixed...(one of his friends told me today that about a month ago he'd complained that I was rushing and pressuring him too much, which was news to me)......but he's not at 'that place' at the moment.

 

So, I guess what I want to know is what should I do? If he'd said that there was no way in hell we'd ever be together again, then I could walk away and start to move on. But even he doesn't know what will happen with us. I suppose getting back together after two weeks was somewhat wishful thinking. Because things are so open ended with us and up in the air, I feel a bit stuck - can't leave but can't stay either. I tried doing the NC thing after we broke up to give him space and time, but it's hard when we see each other all the time, although to my credit whenever we do talk, it's usually him initiating contact. Should I seriously try and do no contact for as long as I can? He knows I want him back (after things went awry last night, I thought what the hell, may as well lay all my cards on the table), but if I make myself unavailable and perhaps start dating other people, would he maybe start rethinking things? We are very close, and still have a kind of emotional intimacy that neither of us have with anyone else, and I really do feel that at some point we'll be together again (and he knows I feel this way, which could be harming my chances possibly). Is it that he's too young, or not mature enough? If I backed off, would that make him more likely to give us another chance? I do wonder if what's he going through is some kind of phase, I mean how come you go from caring about someone to not caring about them nearly as much? The only thing I can think is our relationship was too much for him and it burnt him out.

 

Anyway, I would really love some advice, whatever it is - thanks.

[LucreziaBorgia]

but if I make myself unavailable and perhaps start dating other people, would he maybe start rethinking things?

 

Well, you know for sure that making yourself available isn't working so... maybe it would work, maybe it wouldn't. What isn't good for you is centering all of your decisions around what he may or may not do. If you do decide to date, don't do it just to see if your boyfriend will be jealous and take you back. Date because you want to see if there is a chance to find happiness with someone else.

 

I do believe he misses you and enjoys your company. I don't think he misses it enough to be back in a relationship with you, though. He won't change, because what would be his motivation? You are showing him that you condone what he is doing. If you didn't, you wouldn't be there. What little he needs from you, he's getting right now - you are there for him in the way that he wants you. Why would he get back into a relationship, if he's getting what he needs without having to do that?

 

Notice that when you try to get what you need from him, he backs off. Its pretty one sided right now and you'll have to decide whether you want to stay with him under these meager terms or whether you want to make a break to get over him. He isn't going to get back with you right now, and you have no control over his choices - so your only choice is: stay and continue, or leave and try to get over it.

 

If you back out, and deprive him of even the very little he needs from you by not making yourself available except for on a strictly platonic friendship level - then maybe he will reconsider. But, he may just as easily decide that its time for him to move on from you romantically and accept your as just a platonic friend.

[eastern_mystique]

I don't actually know what I want right now. If I dated other people, it wouldn't be for the sole purpose of making him jealous - in fact I'm worried that if I told him that he'd think I'd moved on and then he'd move on as well, even though apparently that doesn't actually happen, they seem to want you more when they can't have you (stupid reverse psychology). If I dated others it would be to have a bit of fun and take my mind off him. I'm not looking to go into anything serious at all. I do feel trapped and not sure what moves to make, but I do see what you mean about he's getting exactly what he wants from me (i.e the satisfaction of having a close friend and one-woman cheerleading squad) without having to actually be with me, so perhaps by making myself unreachable for a while, his feelings will start to change. Sometimes people don't realise what they have until one day it isn't there anymore.

 

By the way, has this ever happened with anyone's girlfriends or boyfriends? Anyone who's been with someone for not too long, and then suddenly their other half turns around one days and says 'I don't feel the same about you anymore'? If so, why do you think their feelings changed ? Did you try and get them back? Did it work? Does the space/time thing [/i]ever work?