Can you work on yourself WHILST in a relationship?

[Nikki Sahagin]

By work on yourself, I don't mean the things we should all be doing i.e. eating well, keeping ourselves in shape, keeping ourselves happy and validated, self-development etc...

 

But can you work on huge issues within yourself such as trust issues, addiction, jealousy, etc WHILST in a relationship?

 

Most people say you should work on yourself BEFORE you get into a relationship but in my experience relationships happen whether you're ready or not!

 

Is it better to split up from a partner to work on your problems or work through them whilst in the relationship?

[acrosstheuniverse]

If it's a good relationship, then it's better to keep hold of it while you 'work on yourself'. Reason being, none of us is the finished article. We are all a work in progress and will always have flaws. To throw away a perfectly great relationship with somebody because of problems within yourself (As long as they're not affecting the partner significantly) is a risk when you know you may never get them back again. If we all waited until we were perfect before dating we'd be perpetually single.

 

However, for some relationships, they work precisely because one party is so messed up, whether through insecurity, jealousy, addiction. If that's the case, it's unlikely the relationship will survive if the person manages to change themselves, as their partner clearly liked being with them the way they were. Addiction is a prime example here, most relationships where one person is an addict and the other isn't function because they have a dynamic of co-dependency, and the non-using partner is an enabler. Remove addiction from the equation and it's quite likely that neither party will really know how to relate to one another anymore unless they really, really work at relating in a completely new, fresh way to one another.

 

So I guess it depends on the severity and nature of the 'problem' they're trying to change. Sometimes a supportive partner can be your biggest cheerleader when going through therapy and really trying to change an aspect of yourself. Sometimes that makes it easier than going it alone, knowing you have that support.