Are dating sites harder for men or women?

[Danda]

Something about you is very different from the other girls on here Your advice is so straight honest and precise.

 

Other women here give good advice, too, I've seen it. I'm just a very blunt communicator, though, as well as a bipolar empath (yet with left brain dominant tendencies) whose had a total train wreck of a life. So it's all kind of weird combo that makes me like a really blunt, politically incorrect and foul-mouthed pseudo-therapist. I wind up being the really good friend that people come to for advice but never want to actually date lol (and I don't blame them). But, the way I see it is everything in life for a reason and to each his/her role on the chess board. It's all good.

[Mangina]

Other women here give good advice, too, I've seen it. I'm just a very blunt communicator, though, as well as a bipolar empath (yet with left brain dominant tendencies) whose had a total train wreck of a life. So it's all kind of weird combo that makes me like a really blunt, politically incorrect and foul-mouthed pseudo-therapist. I wind up being the really good friend that people come to for advice but never want to actually date lol (and I don't blame them). But, the way I see it is everything in life for a reason and to each his/her role on the chess board. It's all good.

I have read some of your posts and you seem to have a complete understanding of everything going on and why it goes on. Like an observer neither male or female with no bias or anything I do not see many thing bipolar the only thing strange is how normal you are

[Phoe]

And why would a woman get all giddy about a guy hitting on her at a coffee shop, when the same exact guy who has seen her pics and knows a bunch about her sends her a detailed online message and she brushes it off without so much as a thought?

 

Where is the logic?

 

I'm the same as danda, where being approached in person is so rare, that it is very exciting to me when it does happen. It makes me giddy and makes my day.

 

But at the same time, I'm also not one to ignore OLD messages. Every new message that popped into my inbox was exciting to me. I like seeing a new face that wanted to talk to me, and liked reading the profiles and starting a conversation. Even just that was exciting to me.

[Danda]

I have read some of your posts and you seem to have a complete understanding of everything going on and why it goes on. Like an observer neither male or female with no bias or anything I do not see many thing bipolar the only thing strange is how normal you are

 

Well thank you for the compliment, appreciated.

 

I am bipolar, although I manage it pretty responsibly. But what I'm trying to say is that I've had a ton of people tell me I seem "different" or "unique" in a positive sense, and the males who have liked me over the years almost always cite that as their main reason.

 

However, the reasons my perspectives are sometimes unusual (or even just seemingly unusual) is because I have an unusual mind, struggle with mental illness and have been through a lot of seriously crazy ****. And all of that comes with a lot of heavy cons, not just some extra insight or wisdom. The seemingly 'typical' women you encounter are healthier and far more suitable for long-term relationships. So don't diss 'em via implication, is all I'm getting at. We all have our own strengths and weaknesses.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I would think you're kind of reaching out there on a limb saying that women are intuitive in THIS case, as this is just an online venue and referring to men who come off as overcompensating for some kind of insecurities is even FAR reaching. OR it could just be subjective to the one who is reading it.

 

It may be more intimidating to a woman who isn't at a similar intellectual level.

 

If anything, such a well put together introductory email would indeed impress the RIGHT match.

 

Not that I'm saying your advice is not without merit, but I'm just saying it's highly speculative if anything.

 

Personally the goal is here to attracted like-minded individuals and using words like "prototypical" could impress the RIGHT woman for the intended person writing this.

 

Although, sometimes sounding overly intelligent may come off as rigid and formal to the point where it may be off putting.

 

Take this profile for instance on POF...though intelligent sounding she kind of comes off a bit rigid and cold

 

She starts off with....

 

Needless to say : you're curious and seek to know/understand the individual that I am.

 

Having said that. I shall say : I'm compelled by knowledge & enchanted by wisdom.

 

I live by certain codes/philosophies. I'm simple. Yet, complex.

 

Don't lust for what you see... Desire what you know.

 

I am a romantic idealist . However. As much as I'm a romantic idealist...I'm pragmatic as they come Bold/brazen, straight up, No Ice ! Metaphorically speaking. Add deep/philosophical/analytical to the mix and you get quite a heady cocktail.

 

The "WHAT" I'm looking for would best be described as someone who enjoys life for the wonder of it. Don't lead, don't follow, run with me and lets see the world...

 

The profiles continues on with this same kind of format, but its as if you're reading a script from a Renaissance fair. LOL. She's early 40's, very attractive, longest relationship was under a year...never married, and no children.

 

Here's another sample:

 

Are you looking for someone that enjoys energizing and empowering the people they care about with positive vibes and acts of affection?.... .. Someone to grow old with and connect with - intellectually, emotionally and spiritually?..... Do you seek someone one that can express and verbalize their thoughts and feelings whilst being receptive and responsive to those of others.

 

Who uses the word "whilst" in normal conversation? "Not I!" lol. (Making a joke, the irony of choosing a simple "no" vs. "not I!") lol

 

 

The thing is women are often highly intuitive, so much that we can even read a crap-ton from an online message.

 

Men who are insecure but intelligent often put a lot of pizzazz and formality into their messages as a way to compensate for their underlying insecurities. It's basically like, "Please notice how intelligent and snazzy my message is." When really women often don't care about that. We care about whether or not we click with you on a more personal level. So a long, formal, almost apologetic message with words like "prototypical" and "urbanite transplated" can be wonky.

 

Socially awkward women like myself don't really mind and will usually make an effort to help you along, because we get it. We're like okay, we've got a super smart but super nervous/sensitive guy here. And when we can empathize we find it endearing.

 

But women who are not socially awkward like I am, might not see it in the same endearing, empathetic light. Reading between the lines, so to speak.

 

So you kinda gotta do the fake-it-til-you-make-it thing as far as feeling relaxed and natural.

[insert_name]

Fear of rejection is most guys problem I think. Who cares if you get rejected? Really lets get some perspective, so someone doesn't find you as attractive as you find them. This doesn't mean you aren't attractive just that you aren't their type of attractive.

 

If its that easy then perhaps more women should give it a try? Its not just cultural programming at work, women fear rejection even more than men do. Approaching and being rejected is a distinctly male privilege.

[MGX]

There are far too few women that think like you. But if there are actually more women that think like this, unfortunately they don't bother to convey it.

 

Exactly. Most women take offense at being asked out by "creepy" guys that they aren't attracted to. "How dare this ugly ass man bother me!"

[MGX]

I think OLD and dating in general are harder for women if I'm honest. Guys can approach someone they like and either get some interest or at worst get a rejection. A lot of woman probably feel like they can't or shouldn't approach guys they like for some reason so they can let chances slip them by.

 

Men have it harder. Women attract men and get approached, whether they want it or not. Men WISH they could unconsciously attract women and need to beat them off with a stick.

 

Fear of rejection is most guys problem I think. Who cares if you get rejected? Really lets get some perspective, so someone doesn't find you as attractive as you find them. This doesn't mean you aren't attractive just that you aren't their type of attractive.

 

I think it's moreso the continuous rejection, that keeps men from asking women out. All losses and little to no wins. If you keep losing at a game, then you stop wanting to play. People don't like to fail even more. It just reinforces the idea that they can't win.

 

What is needed to combat this way of thinking is a victory.

[Revolver]

Guys use dating sites to hook up with women less attractive than they are

[smg15]

Guys use dating sites to hook up with women less attractive than they are

 

What's wrong with that if they can get the women they want?

[Frank2thepoint]

It could also be a significant factor where you live, as well. I'm sure any woman's inbox is going to have way more messages in an area like Los Angeles or New York City compared to some little town in the rurals of Wisconsin, as far-spectrum examples.

 

This is very true, at least from the standpoint of being in NYC. I've been told by quite a few women that admitted trying OLD, revealed they found it overwhelming due to the sheer amount of messages they've received on a daily basis. After about a month or two, they canceled their accounts or just stopped logging in.

 

Participating on OLD in a metropolitan city will result in a lot more options, or pretty faces to browse in the meat catalog, but having your profile stand out becomes a lot harder, because a few thousand other people are trying the same method.

[Imajerk17]

Hey there XXXX,

 

I also like to ski and root on the Bengals and if it happens in the same weekend all the better.

 

I am not the prototypical outdoorsman, but am getting more into hiking with each passing season.

 

I also love roots oriented music, and like you have a great appreciation for seeing it live and butchering it after enough beers during karaoke sessions.

 

I'm an urbanite transplanted to the suburban jungle and enjoy the best of both worlds now and it seems we might have some common ground. Send me a message if you like.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

That's pretty close to something I actually literally sent almost a month ago now. There's ones I catered even more, but I don't want to post those because they're pretty specific.

 

This is just way too bland JJS. No playfulness, no flirting ect. I actually suspected from that email that you don't even really like hiking, you are just saying it. If a WOMAN sent me this I would not respond. Anyway, if this is representative of the emails you are sending, no wonder why you are not getting any responses back.

 

This might be what I would send:

 

Subject: Can you keep up?

Tell you what, last run skiing we will race to the bottom. Loser buys drinks. However, do not take this as your chance to get me drunk [laughs]

 

Favorite spot to go skiing?

 

Anyway from your profile looks like we might have some things in common, and you have a beautiful smile too. Looking forward to chatting with you some more,

 

IMJ17

 

See what I did there? I'm teasing her and revealing some stuff about my personality. This isn't the most amazing email ever and it won't guarantee a response. Maybe there are more substantive things you can ask a girl rather than her favorite skiing spot. But you will get a lot more reponses doing this than what you've been doing before.

Edited December 18, 2014 by Imajerk17

[Danda]

I would think you're kind of reaching out there on a limb saying that women are intuitive in THIS case, as this is just an online venue and referring to men who come off as overcompensating for some kind of insecurities is even FAR reaching. OR it could just be subjective to the one who is reading it.

 

It may be more intimidating to a woman who isn't at a similar intellectual level.

 

If anything, such a well put together introductory email would indeed impress the RIGHT match.

 

Not that I'm saying your advice is not without merit, but I'm just saying it's highly speculative if anything.

 

Personally the goal is here to attracted like-minded individuals and using words like "prototypical" could impress the RIGHT woman for the intended person writing this.

 

Although, sometimes sounding overly intelligent may come off as rigid and formal to the point where it may be off putting.

 

I don't think it's a far reaching limb at all, although there are definitely special exceptions to pretty much everything when it comes to dating and such. It's not just the use of uncommonly used words by itself, it's all of the other things I mentioned plus the use of uncommonly used words.

 

If two people are both very well-written and find those qualities important in a mate, that would be a part of their chemistry, for sure. But being well-written doesn't really make one an intellectually superior person, nor will it impress anyone who doesn't hold a large vocabulary high on their priority list when assessing suitors.

 

I can write a rather long and excellent essay without saying anything of any significance, and realized this early on in my grade school English classes. The biased English teachers would fawn over how 'smart' I was, but there were smarter students than myself who just didn't know how to bull**** eloquently like I did.

 

Anyway it's the overall painted picture that I do believe a lot of people pick up on, just women especially so given very slight differences in our neurological makeup. If he were more relaxed and less apologetic, his impressive vocabulary would come across exclusively for what it is, simply an impressive vocabulary.

[JuneJulySeptember]

As usual, there's conflicting advice.

 

Which, heading back to the thread, proves why it's harder for men, or at least men who don't have women hitting on them.

 

At every turn, we face rejection for a mis-step. Whether it's too snazzy or too bland. Too creepy or too wussy.

 

I mean, jeez, it was a miracle I was ever born.

Edited December 19, 2014 by JuneJulySeptember

[Gold Pile]

As an experiment, for the first time I had decided to email some rather obese women in my area to see if I could prove something.

I had gotten views from them, but no response. Kind of tells ya something about online dating right there.

It kind of tells us that they don't find you attractive.

[USMCHokie]

I haven't read any responses to this thread, but using estimated, arbitrary figures, I'd say OLD is most effective for the top 20% of men in physical attractiveness and the top 50% of women in physical attractiveness. As long as you can string together any semblance of a coherent sentence, the picture is usually enough to get you at least a first date.

[Popsicle]

Why do we have to have a contest on who has it harder? What is the prize that is won if you win this 'who has it harder' contest? Do you think that if you can prove that you have it the hardest then you are entitled to all the free dates you want? Or, perhaps you think all the women will feel sorry for you and go out with you because you have it so hard? Or, maybe you will have a hate-fest on women because they have it easier? I just don't get what is the point.

[carhill]

The OP wrote:

 

"Why is this a lopsided result where men get nothing in return but women get everything in return?"

 

Then there's the title:

 

Are dating sites harder for men or women?

 

I see questions, one of them open-ended, and posted an atypical response. IMO, as with dating sites, people often see in discussions what they want to see. I personally feel men and women face equal challenges on dating sites, just in different ways, aligning with the differences in gender, societal norms and socialization. Further, it's human nature to feel one has it harder than another person since we only can live in our own skin. Empathy is a learned behavior.

[USMCHokie]

Why do we have to have a contest on who has it harder? What is the prize that is won if you win this 'who has it harder' contest?

 

Simple. If one method of dating is harder for someone, then that person should seek an easier (or more effective) method. For those in what I considered the bottom percentiles, I feel there are better ways to meet people than OLD.

 

The problem lies in that those who recognize that OLD is tougher for them will often languish in that defeat rather than seek and attempt alternative methods. So yes, they fall into the comforting trap of feeling sorry for themselves.

 

But for those who have the drive to meet someone, winning this "contest" will open them up to trying other means and giving them better chances of winning their prize.

[smg15]

Simple. If one method of dating is harder for someone, then that person should seek an easier (or more effective) method. For those in what I considered the bottom percentiles, I feel there are better ways to meet people than OLD.

 

The problem lies in that those who recognize that OLD is tougher for them will often languish in that defeat rather than seek and attempt alternative methods. So yes, they fall into the comforting trap of feeling sorry for themselves.

 

But for those who have the drive to meet someone, winning this "contest" will open them up to trying other means and giving them better chances of winning their prize.

 

for me that alternative methods are

 

1. Craigslist

2.. Telephone Dating service

[USMCHokie]

for me that alternative methods are

 

1. Craigslist

2.. Telephone Dating service

 

3. Leave your house...?

[smg15]

3. Leave your house...?

 

I don't go to clubs or bars

I don't approach women in public

 

 

So number 3 is not possible unless someone approaches me

[USMCHokie]

I don't go to clubs or bars

I don't approach women in public

 

 

So number 3 is not possible unless someone approaches me

 

Make more friends and go with them. Go out with them to places other than clubs and bars. Then meet women.

 

Or do what I did...go on a cruise by yourself...it's actually where I met my SO, though we didn't even think to date until two years later...but that'll throw you out of your comfort zone and force you to take action and be a man.

 

Speaking of comfort zones, you probably need to break out of yours. Or just languish in it and feel sorry for yourself. Either way, no skin off my back.

[carhill]

3. Leave your house...?

That's a good point. If one is immersed in potential dating opportunities on a regular basis, IMO one should avail themselves of them. That makes perfect sense, presuming one can meet other single people that way. I noticed this, markedly, whenever I'd visit one of the 'big cities' like San Franscisco, Chicago, NYC, etc. One could literally walk around (I did!) and run into plenty of venues to meet ostensibly single people. All one needed to do was get some exercise. I even ran into singles in Central Park (NYC) without giving dating a thought, simply talking to random people about the park.

 

However, for those of us who aren't immersed like that, OLD does have its place and that's why I came to value it, to meet ostensibly single people whom I could arrange to meet for the purposes of dating. Since each iteration was, at minimum, a 40 mile round trip by car for me, I wanted to make them count. No married women and at least some desire to interact. OLD was wonderful for that. I don't think a first date ever cancelled and I never met a married woman that I'm aware of and response rates ran in the 1 in 2 to 1 in 3 for most of the years I used it. Even more recently, I was two for two in contacts versus first meetings. One lady I went on three dates with and the other five. I would describe it, if anything, as easy. True, relationships are hard (I was married, so know!) but OLD, nah. In comparison, it was a cakewalk.

[smg15]

Make more friends and go with them. Go out with them to places other than clubs and bars. Then meet women.

 

Or do what I did...go on a cruise by yourself...it's actually where I met my SO, though we didn't even think to date until two years later...but that'll throw you out of your comfort zone and force you to take action and be a man.

 

Speaking of comfort zones, you probably need to break out of yours. Or just languish in it and feel sorry for yourself. Either way, no skin off my back.

 

 

If the Cowboys win tomorrow I may give it a shot i may just do that