Emtionally closed off and Dating

[YogiDaBear]

Well, I just turned 30, and have done some reflecting. Especially in terms of my relationships. I realize, or maybe think that, I am one emotionally ****ed up individual.

 

I'll do my best to be concise and clear with my thoughts.

 

I find that I want to feel loved. When I am single, I meet girls with no problem. I am not super handsome, but I have an immensely outgoing personality, charming, and confident. I quickly find myself interested in them, will ask them on dates, etc...

 

If I get rejected, I feel a bit upset. A bit hurt. This usually last for a couple days. However, I quickly let that person fade from my life. I hardly maintain any long term friends in general. Most people I let fade from my life. I move on to the next girl. Within 2 days, I find someone else that maybe I find what I seek. Someone to love and to love me. I help everyone when I can, I care about people, I have such a big heart full of love, and I want to give it away.

 

If finally, a girl is interested in me. The relationship usually survives less than six months. I have broken up with every girl I have ever dated. They fall in love with me, and in the end, it makes me feel uncomfortable with it. I am scared to be in command of their hearts. And my heart, my heart closes off before I can fall in love.

 

It is frustrating. It is the thing I want so bad (by my actions it is clear, I am not pining about a relationship, or sad that I am single or anything), but I deny myself it. Even from friends and other relationships. I don't let anyone in. It is my biggest source of pain in my life. Isolating and lonely. I am surrounded by people who want to be my friend, who love me, and yet, I can't shake this feeling of solitude. I search for people to fill this void and when I find it, I push them away.

 

Recently, some girl friends of mine have confronted me, two of them, wanting to know why I have pushed them away. It was maybe an eye opener, because at first, I was oblivious to this. Then one was very good with discussing it with me, and I think is also what let me think about this and realize what I have done to them, I have done with almost everyone in my life.

 

Any advice on wtf I can do to fix myself?

[Toodaloo]

You say that you have not had a rejection that is particularly painful but this is classic "trying to avoid rejection" behavior.

 

You have a great time let them get a bit close then ooopsie too close could get hurt so lets shut down.

 

Lots of us go through this. Just be careful that you do not "flip" the other way and put your all into something that is not worth it...

 

Advice? Be aware of it. Take things slowly and tentatively and see how you get on. When you find yourself backing off question why. Give yourself time and space to be honest with yourself. Then you can be honest with them.

 

Never forget that you only have to get it right once. Just once. There are also many lovely women who are wonderful in many ways but who will not be for you... Just as you may not be for them...

 

Good luck.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Well, I just turned 30, and have done some reflecting. Especially in terms of my relationships. I realize, or maybe think that, I am one emotionally ****ed up individual.

 

Everyone is f**ked in some way, it's just a matter of recognizing it...that usually comes around the late 20's early 30's to recognize you've got a problem on your hands, and there's a trail of fire behind you to prove it.

 

I find that I want to feel loved. When I am single, I meet girls with no problem. I am not super handsome, but I have an immensely outgoing personality, charming, and confident. I quickly find myself interested in them, will ask them on dates, etc...

 

If I get rejected, I feel a bit upset. A bit hurt. This usually last for a couple days. However, I quickly let that person fade from my life. I hardly maintain any long term friends in general. Most people I let fade from my life. I move on to the next girl. Within 2 days, I find someone else that maybe I find what I seek. Someone to love and to love me. I help everyone when I can, I care about people, I have such a big heart full of love, and I want to give it away.

 

Yeah...but what is "love" to you, and do you even really want it...or are you just addicted to the emotions that you feel in those short spurt of intense emotions?

 

Caring about people is one thing...but if you are in and out of people's lives, how cared about do they feel? and how much love are you really giving? what else do you do in life to express your "love"?

 

If finally, a girl is interested in me. The relationship usually survives less than six months. I have broken up with every girl I have ever dated. They fall in love with me, and in the end, it makes me feel uncomfortable with it. I am scared to be in command of their hearts. And my heart, my heart closes off before I can fall in love.

 

Yep girl falls in love with you...mission accomplished...time to move onto the next one.

 

What is it that you are truly scared of? maybe the hard part of being consistent, being around for the times that maybe are too excited and maybe just mundane? You know you're going to break their hearts because you've already planned on doing it.

 

Too close is too close for comfort...what are you afraid of losing?

 

It is frustrating. It is the thing I want so bad (by my actions it is clear, I am not pining about a relationship, or sad that I am single or anything), but I deny myself it. Even from friends and other relationships. I don't let anyone in. It is my biggest source of pain in my life. Isolating and lonely. I am surrounded by people who want to be my friend, who love me, and yet, I can't shake this feeling of solitude. I search for people to fill this void and when I find it, I push them away.

 

We usually want the things we cannot have...we think it's basically the grass being greener on the other side of the fence.

 

You want to be close to something, but can't let yourself get too close to it...once you keep your hand there it's like having it on a hot fiery grill, and you just want to take your hand away because you can't take it anymore.

 

It sounds like you keep yourself isolated and lonely, and how much do these people really know you or understand how you really feel? what are you selling them versus who really are? who do they really love then? who do they think you are?

 

Recently, some girl friends of mine have confronted me, two of them, wanting to know why I have pushed them away. It was maybe an eye opener, because at first, I was oblivious to this. Then one was very good with discussing it with me, and I think is also what let me think about this and realize what I have done to them, I have done with almost everyone in my life.

 

Any advice on wtf I can do to fix myself?

 

Be careful of the "girlfriends", as much as it might seem like an easy choice to open up to them...you know there's going to be a romantic connection established there (at least on their end) and you might go through the routine (if you haven't already) of being temporarily engrossed in that.

 

What you need is more emotional understanding, so you'll choose the kind of women that stick to your side to maybe open up that side of yourself to...if you are able.

 

But you need to really to just be aware of all these things and your patterns and start challenging yourself to figure out what you're running from...because unless you face that I think you're going to keep running from that thing that scares you in the end, you'll likely burn through a lot of good women in the time being too.

 

It's just called reflection and self-work, it's easy to get lost in love affairs and think that everything is somehow associated with that...but these are personal issues that manifest themselves in relationship...because honestly, that's really the only part most people feel forced to being vulnerable and having to open themselves emotionally, and at the same time that's what usually scares people away.

 

Everybody is scared of being hurt...but honestly, it's really about what you want your life to be like in the years to come. Do you want to keep doing what you're doing? (because a part of you will likely always want it, it's an addiction...it fulfills a void within you in some way...temporarily at least), so you need to be able to face those issues and resolve them at the root/source or like a lot of people just avoid them and distance yourself as far away from them as possible...but they'll always be stuck to you like a shadow.

 

It takes a lot of work to change, A LOT. And a lot of courage to face those vulnerable emotions, it sends you down a path you long avoided or felt you buried deep enough behind you...that's assuming you even know what it is and even where to look.

 

If you have "no clue" then you're in bigger trouble, you have to be self-aware enough to know where to look.

 

Whatever happens...life is going to change on you, whether you initiate it or not. Somethings going to eventually happen or give out of this pattern, it won't last forever. It's just going to depend on whether you initiated that phase and changed or for the better...or you just simply shifted with the changes of life and circumstances...but still arbor the same internal scars.

[YogiDaBear]

You say that you have not had a rejection that is particularly painful but this is classic "trying to avoid rejection" behavior.

 

You have a great time let them get a bit close then ooopsie too close could get hurt so lets shut down.

 

Lots of us go through this. Just be careful that you do not "flip" the other way and put your all into something that is not worth it...

 

Advice? Be aware of it. Take things slowly and tentatively and see how you get on. When you find yourself backing off question why. Give yourself time and space to be honest with yourself. Then you can be honest with them.

 

Never forget that you only have to get it right once. Just once. There are also many lovely women who are wonderful in many ways but who will not be for you... Just as you may not be for them...

 

Good luck.

 

Oh No, I have had a few in my life that are painful. I think what I do is try to replace the pain with someone new to pursue. I also tend to pursue people who will say no to me (only the best girls, good looking with great personalities).

 

I also carry some heavy childhood burdens that may give a reason why I avoid rejection. My mom was a severe alcoholic and I didn't know her until I was 8 years old. My dad constantly chose drugs and drinking over kids. My sister and I have been sexually abused by a baby sitter. In school, I had no friends for a long time, I was teased, bullied, spit on.

 

I hardened by the time I was in middle school. Fought kids for my respect. Went to high school, earned respect both through sports and academics. I became a hometown hero the day I won a wrestling meet in double overtime to give us a 1 point advantage. I aced all my classes. These kids who made fun of me now praised me. I think already by this time I had turned into a shell. I am not friends with any of them anymore. I made myself as perfect as I could be to avoid giving anyone any reason to push be down. I, still to this day, put so much effort into not making mistakes in life.

 

I went to college, and the first girl I ever fell in love with cheated. I have never felt the same about any girl since.

 

I think I am afraid of getting hurt again, but I can not shut it down. I can't keep my heart from walling up from people who are genuine in their feelings for me.

 

I will never flip and go all in. I never give someone control of my emotions like that.

 

Thanks for your response Toodaloo

 

Ninjain:

 

Thank you also for your response.

 

I often do not tell people how I feel, ever. I rarely open up, and when I do, oh **** me, I can't control it. I start to say things, get choked up, tears in my eyes, and then I just stop. The only thing I can tell someone is that I am attracted to them, find them interesting, beautiful, blah blah. I can never tell them how important their love is to me. I can never tell them how much they mean to me as my friend. There are a couple of people that I have been able to do this.

 

I think I give off this insanely confident, fun attitude. Happy, joyful, etc but no body knows about the loneliness and pain I have inside. I tell no one this. I don't know what I can be afraid of losing, I have nothing to lose in most of these cases. Maybe I am afraid of losing control of my emotions. I am a bit of a control freak with my life. I've sometimes thought about seeing a therapist, but even then, I am just going to pretend to him that I am a normal person. That everyone goes through **** in their life, I am not special.

Edited November 25, 2014 by YogiDaBear

[YogiDaBear]

Yeah...but what is "love" to you, and do you even really want it...or are you just addicted to the emotions that you feel in those short spurt of intense emotions?

 

I don't know. What is love? This is a cliche question until the part 'to me'. I guess love is accepting a person for who they are, not wanting any of it to change. To want that person to be around you and share everything with, from smiles to tears. It is something I have felt so little in my life for someone else, it is hard to put into words for me or understand how someone truly feels about me when they love me.

 

Caring about people is one thing...but if you are in and out of people's lives, how cared about do they feel? and how much love are you really giving? what else do you do in life to express your "love"?

 

I am empathetic to a fault. I go out of my way to help people. I never say things to hurt people unless their is a truth that needs to be said. I never make fun of people or put them down. I genuinely hope the best for these people and if they ever need anything, they know they can ask me for it. If it is in my power, it happens.

 

With most girls, I give them the love I can for a little while and then I turn it off. They do something that makes me feel marginalized and that is it. Cut faster than the foreskin of a newborn. With friends, I don't know what causes it. Long distance? New friends? Busy life?

 

 

Yep girl falls in love with you...mission accomplished...time to move onto the next one.

 

 

What is it that you are truly scared of? maybe the hard part of being consistent, being around for the times that maybe are too excited and maybe just mundane? You know you're going to break their hearts because you've already planned on doing it.

 

I don't set out with this goal though I set out looking for genuine love.

I think a broached why I may be scared of love my previous post. I just wanted to answer to your answers in better, and fuller manner. I appreciate you discussing this with me.

 

 

Too close is too close for comfort...what are you afraid of losing?

This is how I feel. Too close and maybe scared they are going to abandon me. I am a fast learner, and in the past, letting your emotions out unchecked means I am going to get hurt.

 

My longest relationship of five years was rough at the end. My gf of the time was saying I didn't know how to accept her love. She gives me compliments, I couldn't accept them. She tried to love me more, and I pushed harder.

 

I think I am afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. I just wish it were an active choice I make. I just don't control it.

 

 

It sounds like you keep yourself isolated and lonely, and how much do these people really know you or understand how you really feel? what are you selling them versus who really are? who do they really love then? who do they think you are?

 

Also mentioned this earlier, but I get these feelings. When I feel like someone is getting the power to hurt me, I cut them off. I stop talking to them less, I find someone else to talk to and spend time with. It is almost like I want them to know they will miss me and they will want me to be around if they burn our relationship.

 

No one wants to be with someone sad. So I learned to fake it until I made it. I smile when I am sad. I laugh when I am in pain. I never let them see me bleed. The minute I do, it also destroys the relationship. I was in a club with these two girls, one I had a big crush on. I let her see me get jealous, though we were both drunk and she doesn't know that I was jealous over her flirting with a guy, but the other girl knew it right away. She called me out on it after the other girl went home. Now I am avoiding contact with both of them. I don't know how to be around them now they have seen a side of me that makes me look like I have an emotion outside of happy and joyful.

 

 

Be careful of the "girlfriends", as much as it might seem like an easy choice to open up to them...you know there's going to be a romantic connection established there (at least on their end) and you might go through the routine (if you haven't already) of being temporarily engrossed in that.

One of them does have a romantic interest in me I think. She denies it, but she has some tell tale signs.

 

What you need is more emotional understanding, so you'll choose the kind of women that stick to your side to maybe open up that side of yourself to...if you are able.

 

But you need to really to just be aware of all these things and your patterns and start challenging yourself to figure out what you're running from...because unless you face that I think you're going to keep running from that thing that scares you in the end, you'll likely burn through a lot of good women in the time being too.

 

It's just called reflection and self-work, it's easy to get lost in love affairs and think that everything is somehow associated with that...but these are personal issues that manifest themselves in relationship...because honestly, that's really the only part most people feel forced to being vulnerable and having to open themselves emotionally, and at the same time that's what usually scares people away.

 

Everybody is scared of being hurt...but honestly, it's really about what you want your life to be like in the years to come. Do you want to keep doing what you're doing? (because a part of you will likely always want it, it's an addiction...it fulfills a void within you in some way...temporarily at least), so you need to be able to face those issues and resolve them at the root/source or like a lot of people just avoid them and distance yourself as far away from them as possible...but they'll always be stuck to you like a shadow.

 

It takes a lot of work to change, A LOT. And a lot of courage to face those vulnerable emotions, it sends you down a path you long avoided or felt you buried deep enough behind you...that's assuming you even know what it is and even where to look.

 

If you have "no clue" then you're in bigger trouble, you have to be self-aware enough to know where to look.

 

Whatever happens...life is going to change on you, whether you initiate it or not. Somethings going to eventually happen or give out of this pattern, it won't last forever. It's just going to depend on whether you initiated that phase and changed or for the better...or you just simply shifted with the changes of life and circumstances...but still arbor the same internal scars.

 

I don't know where to start to change myself. It is a pattern with no way to end it. Should I try to open up to girls I date? Won't they think I am some emotionally stunted reject if I unleash the can of worms of my childhood on them? Start running when they see my confidence at times is a mask covering insecurities and fears? When I tell them I don't know how to love well? No one wants to be around this type of ****ed up.

[Frank2thepoint]

If finally, a girl is interested in me. The relationship usually survives less than six months. I have broken up with every girl I have ever dated. They fall in love with me, and in the end, it makes me feel uncomfortable with it. I am scared to be in command of their hearts. And my heart, my heart closes off before I can fall in love.

 

You're afraid of responsibility. You are afraid because a woman that falls in love you, requires you to take responsibility for their love. The woman is relying on you for a return on that love. You close off because that way you just have to rely on yourself. You have to accept responsibility and being vulnerable. It will strengthen you.

[Toodaloo]

Yogi.

 

You don't have to be perfect all the time. You can pick your nose, fart, sing out of key, be a fool and make mistakes.

 

Sounds like a rough start. The only thing you haven't learnt is how and when to be vulnerable. Its not easy.

 

I can relate to much of what you say... seems perfectly logical until the point where you realise that its not getting you anywhere. Which is now.

 

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that in order to develop a deep connection with a person you have to show your soft side as well. When and how you do this is up to you.

 

Imagine trying to learn something a bit dangerous... horse riding for example. You keep falling off and gain some bruises, a couple of broken bones, concussion or two, but you keep getting back up and trying. Then one day you experience a connection so magical that you know that it doesn't matter if you get hurt - its worth it for that connection.

 

Keep trying. Take your time and be honest with yourself. Do you have a friend that you are close enough to that you can trust to talk to perhaps? Start there before you start to trust someone in a romantic relationship.

[most_distant_galaxy]

Oh my god! I dont know what to say. Only that I know exactly how you feel. Its like reading my own thoughts. I cant share deep feelings with anybody. And when someone says they love me I usually dont believe them.

 

I feel like I will always be single because I would only feel good around someone who wouldnt smother me. Someone I would be able to trust. Someone who would love me for me. Someone who wouldnt expect something in return for his love (someone who would be able to love unconditionally). I think this is the only kind of man that I would be able to commit to and I dont think such man exists.

 

I also have lost many decent friends. Thankfully, there are a couple of people who know my solitude tendency and they dont take it personally. This is my biggest flaw.

 

Maybe we can see hidden things, motives, sentiments.. Faster than others. Or maybe we are just too paranoid. Or oversensitive, easily threatened, avoiding hurt.

 

Recognizing this part of ourselves is very crucial to be better. And then find the reason. Boy, Ive been struggling with this one and still not sure about the answer.

 

What are we scared of? What do we expect? Is what we expect realistic?

 

How would you feel if you dated a woman with tendencies just like yours?

Edited November 25, 2014 by most_distant_galaxy

[Redhead14]

Well, I just turned 30, and have done some reflecting. Especially in terms of my relationships. I realize, or maybe think that, I am one emotionally ****ed up individual.

 

I'll do my best to be concise and clear with my thoughts.

 

I find that I want to feel loved. When I am single, I meet girls with no problem. I am not super handsome, but I have an immensely outgoing personality, charming, and confident. I quickly find myself interested in them, will ask them on dates, etc...

 

If I get rejected, I feel a bit upset. A bit hurt. This usually last for a couple days. However, I quickly let that person fade from my life. I hardly maintain any long term friends in general. Most people I let fade from my life. I move on to the next girl. Within 2 days, I find someone else that maybe I find what I seek. Someone to love and to love me. I help everyone when I can, I care about people, I have such a big heart full of love, and I want to give it away.

 

If finally, a girl is interested in me. The relationship usually survives less than six months. I have broken up with every girl I have ever dated. They fall in love with me, and in the end, it makes me feel uncomfortable with it. I am scared to be in command of their hearts. And my heart, my heart closes off before I can fall in love.

 

It is frustrating. It is the thing I want so bad (by my actions it is clear, I am not pining about a relationship, or sad that I am single or anything), but I deny myself it. Even from friends and other relationships. I don't let anyone in. It is my biggest source of pain in my life. Isolating and lonely. I am surrounded by people who want to be my friend, who love me, and yet, I can't shake this feeling of solitude. I search for people to fill this void and when I find it, I push them away.

 

Recently, some girl friends of mine have confronted me, two of them, wanting to know why I have pushed them away. It was maybe an eye opener, because at first, I was oblivious to this. Then one was very good with discussing it with me, and I think is also what let me think about this and realize what I have done to them, I have done with almost everyone in my life.

 

Any advice on wtf I can do to fix myself?

 

This is a very deep issue for you. It is, I promise, rooted to your sense of self and this begins at a very young age. There has been someone you trusted and who on some level betrayed you and/or you feel some guilt. Until you learn to forgive and forget past betrayals and forgive yourself for whatever it is you are feeling guilty about, if that is there, you will not be able to give yourself emotionally. It may be buried very deeply in your psyche and forgotten about, but there is something in your past holding you back. You have to resolve that.

 

I'm willing to bet that you feel isolated and alone all through a relationship and not just toward the end. You say you are outgoing, charming and confident, yet you feel isolated and alone. The outgoing, charming, confident you is a facade, a false self. This is a split in your ego and is very common. Counseling is something you should consider.

 

If you don't want counseling, I'd take a break from dating for a while. Do some things that make you feel good about yourself. Give some time to a charity organization. Make connections through clubs, church, etc. Things that don't require a lot of emotional involvement but would create bonds and purpose for you. Talk to someone with whom you do have at least a little closer relationship with. Just talk about all that's going on inside you.

 

I also strongly recommend not using this site for going into all this. These people are wise, caring and understanding, but none of us are really qualified to help you with these kinds of issues.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Redhead14

[YogiDaBear]

Yogi.

 

You don't have to be perfect all the time. You can pick your nose, fart, sing out of key, be a fool and make mistakes.

 

Sounds like a rough start. The only thing you haven't learnt is how and when to be vulnerable. Its not easy.

 

I can relate to much of what you say... seems perfectly logical until the point where you realise that its not getting you anywhere. Which is now.

 

I don't know what the answer is, but I do know that in order to develop a deep connection with a person you have to show your soft side as well. When and how you do this is up to you.

 

Imagine trying to learn something a bit dangerous... horse riding for example. You keep falling off and gain some bruises, a couple of broken bones, concussion or two, but you keep getting back up and trying. Then one day you experience a connection so magical that you know that it doesn't matter if you get hurt - its worth it for that connection.

 

Keep trying. Take your time and be honest with yourself. Do you have a friend that you are close enough to that you can trust to talk to perhaps? Start there before you start to trust someone in a romantic relationship.

 

 

But I do need to be perfect. You see, being perfect (I am not perfect, but damn do I try my best) has empowered me to be in control of my life. It has made me attractive and confident. It has given me self respect and the belief that I can do anything I want if I put my mind to it.

 

I want to be be vulnerable, but it doesn't happen. I don't know how to talk about it with people, I just figure most of them don't want to listen to me whine about my emotions. I could give it a shot with some of my friends. Maybe one of the couple that rejected me so there is no romance complication. This is definitely not a discussion for a dude friend I would guess.

 

I am not a complete hard ass, I was thinking that I show a very small part of my soft side, I mean all of my friends think that I am a kind, caring person. I just don't let out the stuff that makes me vulnerable.

 

A least into some of my response for galaxy is that I guess that maybe I pull away to see if someone is genuinely caring about me enough to hold on. If they cared, they would be sad that I disappeared and maybe they would hold onto me a bit.

 

Oh my god! I dont know what to say. Only that I know exactly how you feel. Its like reading my own thoughts. I cant share deep feelings with anybody. And when someone says they love me I usually don't believe them.

 

I feel like I will always be single because I would only feel good around someone who wouldnt smother me. Someone I would be able to trust. Someone who would love me for me. Someone who wouldnt expect something in return for his love (someone who would be able to love unconditionally). I think this is the only kind of man that I would be able to commit to and I dont think such man exists.

 

I also have lost many decent friends. Thankfully, there are a couple of people who know my solitude tendency and they dont take it personally. This is my biggest flaw.

 

Maybe we can see hidden things, motives, sentiments.. Faster than others. Or maybe we are just too paranoid. Or oversensitive, easily threatened, avoiding hurt.

 

Recognizing this part of ourselves is very crucial to be better. And then find the reason. Boy, Ive been struggling with this one and still not sure about the answer.

 

What are we scared of? What do we expect? Is what we expect realistic?

 

How would you feel if you dated a woman with tendencies just like yours?

 

What I find I do, is that I can share deep feelings with someone. However, after I do it, I quickly try to abscond with them. I reach out for that emotional connection, and before I make it, I pull the plug. I thought maybe I just wasn't going after the right girls. Maybe I should go after someone who makes me feel amazing and lucky to have. Then no way would I pull away. Yet, I still have. I remain faithful that is someone out there for us. The problem with trying to let them love us for us, is we have to show who we are first I have this fire inside me, an independent fierce strength that people enjoy, but I am also so sensitive. I want them to see that too, but then they know my secret.

 

I think you are afraid like me, not of getting hurt, but not being the one to control it. We would have to put our trust in someone. When so many times before, I have learned not to trust. Especially with a heart. My dad was involved with married women, out of the women I have slept with, more than 1/2 had boyfriends which half of them I didn't know until after the fact.

 

Maybe I will try to open up to a friend. God it scares me. I did the other day when I was drunk and now I want to run from her. I am embarrassed that I showed weakness. Maybe I should embrace it.

[YogiDaBear]

This is a very deep issue for you. It is, I promise, rooted to your sense of self and this begins at a very young age. There has been someone you trusted and who on some level betrayed you and/or you feel some guilt. Until you learn to forgive and forget past betrayals and forgive yourself for whatever it is you are feeling guilty about, if that is there, you will not be able to give yourself emotionally. It may be buried very deeply in your psyche and forgotten about, but there is something in your past holding you back. You have to resolve that.

 

I'm willing to bet that you feel isolated and alone all through a relationship and not just toward the end. You say you are outgoing, charming and confident, yet you feel isolated and alone. The outgoing, charming, confident you is a facade, a false self. This is a split in your ego and is very common. Counseling is something you should consider.

 

If you don't want counseling, I'd take a break from dating for a while. Do some things that make you feel good about yourself. Give some time to a charity organization. Make connections through clubs, church, etc. Things that don't require a lot of emotional involvement but would create bonds and purpose for you. Talk to someone with whom you do have at least a little closer relationship with. Just talk about all that's going on inside you.

 

I also strongly recommend not using this site for going into all this. These people are wise, caring and understanding, but none of us are really qualified to help you with these kinds of issues.

 

I have had one long relationship. It was a few years. You are right though. I remember one time telling her that I felt like I was alone in our relationship. That I had no friend in it. I was dishonest with her about my feelings. Could never tell her the truth in how I was feeling.

 

I also have a hard time forgiving. You are a smart lady redhead. I don't forgive. I believe asking someone for forgiveness is a selfish act. It isn't to in anyway try to repair the damage done, rather that you felt guilty about it and want to make yourself feel better by getting someone to accept your apology, and not be mad at you/ or hurt by you.

 

Yeah, I spent a good portion of my childhood crying in silence. A dad who I watched snort cocaine off a mirror on a daily basis, while I am getting made fun of in school for not having the brand name clothes, wondering why I don't have a mom. Granted, I didn't know what it was, but there is one rule in life that a child knows innately... If someone is hiding it from you, it means it isn't good. Just like the affairs my dad had with married women. Maybe it's not parents at all. Maybe it is being made fun of by every single person you meet until you literally can't take it anymore. Surrounded by 5 kids and just unleashing a fury no one has ever seen. Then people call you the psycho after you pound the **** out of 3 of the 5 that were there. I believe in the unkindness I grew up in life.

 

About the facade, I said it myself. "No one wants to be with someone sad. So I learned to fake it until I made it. I smile when I am sad. I laugh when I am in pain." I shrug it all off like nothing bothers me and keep on going. That is what I am suppose to do, right? That is what a man really does? Then how come other men can actually love!?

 

Blagh, I am now just repeating myself a lot. Sorry for that. I have considered counseling, but don't even know how to go, how to start, how to even talk about the pains in my life without tearing up and choking up.

[Sunfire73]

I didn't read all the replies but looks like you have abandonment issues. And yes someone said it could be rooted in your childhood. You're afraid to love because you're afraid that they will leave you. You just have to take the chance and allow yourself to love. We don't know what the future holds and if your relationships are going to be successful or not but if you choose not to love at all then you won't give yourself a chance to experience what could be a very beautiful thing. Just try, be selfless, be humble and love with all your heart this time. You are lucky you don't have a problem looking for one, but just trust in love to maintain it.

[Redhead14]

I have had one long relationship. It was a few years. You are right though. I remember one time telling her that I felt like I was alone in our relationship. That I had no friend in it. I was dishonest with her about my feelings. Could never tell her the truth in how I was feeling.

 

I also have a hard time forgiving. You are a smart lady redhead. I don't forgive. I believe asking someone for forgiveness is a selfish act. It isn't to in anyway try to repair the damage done, rather that you felt guilty about it and want to make yourself feel better by getting someone to accept your apology, and not be mad at you/ or hurt by you.

 

Yeah, I spent a good portion of my childhood crying in silence. A dad who I watched snort cocaine off a mirror on a daily basis, while I am getting made fun of in school for not having the brand name clothes, wondering why I don't have a mom. Granted, I didn't know what it was, but there is one rule in life that a child knows innately... If someone is hiding it from you, it means it isn't good. Just like the affairs my dad had with married women. Maybe it's not parents at all. Maybe it is being made fun of by every single person you meet until you literally can't take it anymore. Surrounded by 5 kids and just unleashing a fury no one has ever seen. Then people call you the psycho after you pound the **** out of 3 of the 5 that were there. I believe in the unkindness I grew up in life.

 

About the facade, I said it myself. "No one wants to be with someone sad. So I learned to fake it until I made it. I smile when I am sad. I laugh when I am in pain." I shrug it all off like nothing bothers me and keep on going. That is what I am suppose to do, right? That is what a man really does? Then how come other men can actually love!?

 

Blagh, I am now just repeating myself a lot. Sorry for that. I have considered counseling, but don't even know how to go, how to start, how to even talk about the pains in my life without tearing up and choking up.

 

You do the tearing up and choking up. You have to get all that out. If you allow yourself to do that often enough, you will get past that point and actually cry. That will be the beginning of your ability to deal with the real issues here. There is nothing wrong with crying when there is actually something so real and painful to cry about. Doing this in a controlled environment and with a qualified professional is strongly recommended. He/she will steer you through this journey and will not allow you to become so overwhelmed as to stunt your ability to move forward. It has to be done in little bits. It is a process, not an event. It is well worth the trip though I promise you.

 

You may have to "interview"/sit with a couple of counselors until you find one you are comfortable with but be patient. The fact that you are here, says you are ready to start the process. Recognizing the problem is the first step to facing and moving on from the past. You are worth the effort!

 

All the best to you! If you'd like a little more encouragement, you can send me a message through this site.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Redhead14

[Redhead14]

About the facade, I said it myself. "No one wants to be with someone sad. So I learned to fake it until I made it. I smile when I am sad. I laugh when I am in pain." I shrug it all off like nothing bothers me and keep on going. That is what I am suppose to do, right? That is what a man really does? Then how come other men can actually love!?

 

Yes, you are right about smiling even though you are sad, laughing when in pain. Most people do that at times when they are being strong. But you do it ALL THE TIME. That is the difference.

[Toodaloo]

But I do need to be perfect. You see, being perfect (I am not perfect, but damn do I try my best) has empowered me to be in control of my life. It has made me attractive and confident. It has given me self respect and the belief that I can do anything I want if I put my mind to it.

 

I want to be be vulnerable, but it doesn't happen. I don't know how to talk about it with people, I just figure most of them don't want to listen to me whine about my emotions. I could give it a shot with some of my friends. Maybe one of the couple that rejected me so there is no romance complication. This is definitely not a discussion for a dude friend I would guess.

 

Maybe I will try to open up to a friend. God it scares me. I did the other day when I was drunk and now I want to run from her. I am embarrassed that I showed weakness. Maybe I should embrace it.

 

The problem with "perfection" is that is means something different to everyone. Why not just try to be yourself for a change rather than exhausting yourself constantly trying to achieve something that is in essence unachievable because there is no such thing. You may be successful but that is because you are hard working not because you are perfect. You are popular but how many of those people can you turn to when you are feeling down or need a bit of help? A the moment none. You have been struggling for a while I am guessing - So being "perfect" is actually holding you back.

 

You have your "face" that you show the world but you don't have the confidence to say "I need a hug" or "I need help". With out that you will always be doomed to fail. You can achieve anything you want with out being perfect. Some of the greatest sportsmen, businessmen, politicians, medics etc are far from perfect. Look at Winston Churchill, Lincoln, even the Dalai Lama admits he is not perfect.

 

You don't have to whine on to show your emotions. God thats boring. But just be honest. So if one of your mates upsets you. Try along the lines of "mate that was a really sucky thing to do". Blokes can be just as emotional as women most of the time so it may be worth admitting to one of your male friends that you feel insecure about this stuff. You don't have to go into details about it. You can just admit that this whole getting attached to a woman business freaks you out but you want to try.

 

I would not suggest you turn to people who have turned you away (i.e. not the girls who have rejected you) to start this. You need people who are not just going to up and leave you. You need proper support and friendships to start with and then work on from there. Just one or two people would be enough. Just make sure they are high calibre friends.

[Ninjainpajamas]

The problem with society is it mimics a lot of things that generally do not work or get your results in real life;

 

- Be a "good" person, never lie, never steal, always tell the truth

 

- You'll meet that special someone out there who will make all your loveless nights and heartbreak worth well

 

- Have faith in something...even if it doesn't make sense, it will eventually happen for you...so don't worry about your problems or personal issues, everyone has them

 

- The past is the past, it doesn't reflect who you are today because it happened a long time ago

 

- Time heals all wounds

 

And the list goes on and goes...bullsh*t spread from around a camp fire by people who are withering away into the distance hoping to pass along a simplistic phrase or motivational line to spur to be remembered by, to spur that all so lucrative "hope" that if nothing else of course, will fix all your problems...everything is just going to magically go your way...one day.

 

But it doesn't...none of the things I heard as a kid led me to any "truth" in this world, if not lead me to an empty road of nothingness as I had to figure it out for myself...the hard way. Because those roads are not actually supposed to be traveled, you're just supposed to stare at the sign and "believe" it actually does what it says it does.

 

You've got to be smart and re-calibrate what works in the real world and what does not. That's why you know better than to expose those vulnerabilities, you know that what is said and what is supposed to happen, will not happen...you can sense it, you can feel it, and you are aggravated by the fact that you know you cannot.

 

And the reality is, there is no black and white way of doing things, and often times...dancing in the black gets you a lot more white (or good) in your life than trying to be the good guy.

 

There's little thought people actually put into their beliefs or why they even feel or think a certain way, it's astonishing, it's human-beings great naivety...for example;

 

Because you are mentioning your issues...because you are expressing your vulnerabilities, you've had to come online and do this anonymously.

 

Now we all know that people would say to be open, trustworthy and giving...and that you've got the problem that you've got to fix and it should be in a certain ridiculous way..because obviously you're putting it on a pedestal right now, which is basically putting a target on your head (which society does not respect) so you're the one looking like the crazy dysfunctional weak person...but give me 30 mins with any of these damn people sitting in this forum or anywhere else for that matter, and I'll pretty much prove they're just as "crazy" and dysfunctional as you are.

 

Because the reality is if you were to say what you say here, in real life...we both know people would look at you like you are the one with the serious problems and they are not, merely for the fact that you are the one saying them...because everyone is supposed to blow smoke up their own @ss and pretend that they're "healthy" and not so jacked-up mentally, emotionally or psychologically and of course lead the way or set an example. And not only do they have to disassociate themselves from your "dysfunction"...lest it rub off on them and they too become guilty by association...they must then separate themselves from feelings that make them feel vulnerable and uncomfortable in talking about, and possibly causing in turn their own reflection and recognizing their own problems and issues...which prevent them from living in the bubble where they perpetuate the lies and BS that they tell themselves every day and keep themselves from the painful truth (if they even have the capacity or awareness to think about or recognize it) in order to convince themselves and everyone else that they are...OK.

 

That's the game in life, everyone knows it...everyone gets it.

 

So look, at the end of the day...your dysfunction is merely another cup of tea, another flavor in the jar that separates you from others. Because what you're going through and feeling is perfectly normal, the reason most people may not understand you is simply because they don't experience the feelings that you do....that's it, that simple. People only recognize their own struggles and what they can associate with...and that they do poorly in it of itself...let alone take any responsibility or accountability for it.

 

So in short, you are perfectly fine and jacked up enough for this world...if you weren't, honestly you wouldn't fit in with the rest of the lot, and none of these women would understand you in some dysfunctional and subconscious way, why do you think they even "fall" for you?...because a lot of these women are attracted to dysfunction because...bingo, they are dysfunctional themselves...when the right kind of dysfunction meets a compatible dysfunction that's what people call "love".

 

So if anything, you can attribute a lot of the "love" and attachment you've experienced from women...based on their personal issues.

 

Welcome to the club.

 

And all this crap, is really just feelings and a compounding of experiences and environments that they have been affected by that, which guide them towards the road they choose and they're so damn blind they don't even realize it half of the damn time...that's why men get the blame for so much of what women allow and put themselves through...because supposedly they forsaken their "love".

 

And that's why I asked you what love is...because "love" is your dysfunction. That is where you find comfort, that is where you find "peace", or what you know of it.

 

All these damn people out here are doing the same damn thing, they're just cutting that big cake from another side...they found a place they are comfortable and in "control" and that's how they choose to live their lives...even though they know inside they don't really have or receive what they want or need, or experience the peace that it was supposed to provide...they instead have to convince themselves, just like those perpetual lies I mentioned earlier, to keep themselves in the clouds of this protective "sanctuary".

 

Because let's face it, at the end of the day nobody wants to do the hard work...nobody wants to just throw their heart on the line and risk having it trampled, no one wants to trust even if they know the feelings that affect them are from 10, 15, 20 years ago and even though the "past is the past" you ask that person one question about it and they'll paint a picture like it happened yesterday. Everyone really loves or more or less really gives themselves once or twice because they close up the doors right after, and the rest or even most of it was just dysfunction...if it was ever love at all to begin with, which is my personal stance against.

 

My advice to you is go forward and take chances, and continue challenging yourself in the ways that you know you avoid. Follow what you feel like you need in order to improve or "get better" because you know inside your gut what that is to do....or spend a lifetime trying to figure out a short-cut around it.

 

It's up to you whether you can, or more-so whether you WILL, \ simply continue on with your issues expecting and hoping for miracles because there are things that you will never be able to face and heal unless you face the truth of your pain.

 

So it's not easy to change, but you will inadvertently do so in time, through life, within your own time...how much you are willing to challenge yourself is going to be the determining factor of what you will get out of yourself.

 

Love...or trusting someone enough with your love...is not going to fix your issues.

 

The reasons we are often disappointed is because we failed ourselves.

[Emilia]

This is how I feel. Too close and maybe scared they are going to abandon me. I am a fast learner, and in the past, letting your emotions out unchecked means I am going to get hurt.

 

My longest relationship of five years was rough at the end. My gf of the time was saying I didn't know how to accept her love. She gives me compliments, I couldn't accept them. She tried to love me more, and I pushed harder.

 

I think I am afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. I just wish it were an active choice I make. I just don't control it.

 

Also mentioned this earlier, but I get these feelings. When I feel like someone is getting the power to hurt me, I cut them off. I stop talking to them less, I find someone else to talk to and spend time with. It is almost like I want them to know they will miss me and they will want me to be around if they burn our relationship.

My ex is similar to you and what has been hard with him is that as soon as I cut contact with him - thinking that's what he wanted and my agreeing with it anyway - he would bounce back and want my company. Classic dysfunctional push-pull.

 

His temperament is different from yours, he in fact gets angry over the slightest thing as he is super vigilant over the slightest thing hurting him. He is like you, got better with compliments but can't accept the smallest of unexpected affection.

 

The reason why you swing from one extreme to the other (ie from showing lack of interest to going overtly emotional) is because you have no practice of how to express how you feel therefore it comes out in bursts.

 

My advice is to start taking baby-steps and start expressing the less risky things, perhaps towards family first. Not your father necessarily, maybe more distant relatives. Putting yourself in position where expression of emotions is required: family occasions, socialising with them, etc.

 

Then come girls: practicing to express how you feel from the start rather than allowing things to build up. If you find you are capable of working through the emotions and expressing them, you will feel more comfortable feeling them. You basically need to learn how to ride out the discomfort and build confidence that way.

 

I had to deal with it too though probably not as much as you. My ex might be as bad as you are so I understand. Outsiders see you as this wall that cannot be penetrated. Plus there are the power games (it's obvious for everyone that gets close.) If you are not careful you'll only have a dog for company when you get old.

[losangelena]

I haven't read all your replies either, but OP I'd seriously recommend therapy. I know you said you'd just be "perfect" around them, too, but as someone who's actually currently in therapy, they can usually see through the facade and help get up under all that emotional constipation.

 

I understand. As someone who had a rough childhood, too, control and perfectionism feel like life rafts. But control is an illusion, and no one is perfect. Coming to grips with those two realities are key to living an authentic life. I'm in my early 30s, and I'm just now coming to term with all of these things as well. It's a hard, scary process, accessing that true side of yourself. You have to jettison a lot of long-held notions, but ultimately, isn't it better?

 

Growth requires change, which requires risk. All of the coping mechanisms and walls you built to protect yourself as a child don't serve you any longer, they're only hindering you. It's time to dismantle them and move on. A therapist is a good way to start.