! My wife thinks I cheated on her, but I didn't.

[Gabbit]

My wife and I have been married a short 7 months. I love her very much, but I haven't always been a stand up guy. We have our own home, 2 step kids, 1 adopted step child and 4 fluffy dogs. I make very good money and the wife does ok as well. We have your typical atomic family with the white picket fence.

 

Before we got married I struggled hard with addiction to alcohol. I am not your normal alcoholic. I completely black out and do things that I am often ashamed of and are extremely out of character. For a period of time before my wife and I got married I acted out sexually and she found out about it. I was drinking often and you can fill in the blanks from there.

 

I finally straightened up my act. I quit drinking, gave my wife access to all and any accounts, and began respecting her and the relationship. We did a touch of counseling and began the long road of the healing process.

 

A few months ago we decided to take a trip. We were at a casino and I began drinking ( with her consent - not that it makes it any better as I should not have drank in the 1st place). Anyhow she returned to the hotel room and I continued to gamble until early morning. While gambling and drinking I responded to a craigslist add. Thank goodness the person on the other end did not respond. When I blackout I have no inhibitions or cares and very well could have cheated again. I don't remember sending the email. The only reason I know I did it is because my wife found it in my email history 2 months after the trip. ( this evening) I don't blame her for checking my emails due to cheating in the past.

 

I am not positive on how to handle. I have been walking on eggshells and trying to be the best man I can be for the past year. Now this happens and it feels just like I am a few steps behind square one. I only have myself to blame, but I like to think maybe I would be more forgiving if the situation was reversed.

 

I was blacked out, it was just a two word email and nothing became of it. Now she is convinced I am cheating on her again. Alcohol has been a giant pain in my ass for close to 25 years and I will never touch it again. I like the life that her and I built together and I don't want to lose it.

 

Is there anything that can be done? Am I doomed to go it alone? Any advice on how to save my marriage? I don't want to be remembered as the lying cheating x.

[ascendotum]

Mate I don't blame her for being pissed off. Lets be clear you were not blacked out if you were sitting at a casino table or lounge bar sending emails/txts. You might have been smashed but not blacked out or drunk enough to have security cart you off. The thing that made me laugh was it was a CL ad. If you tried to chat up a cocktail waitress or another woman at the bar or sitting next you at the poker machines, that I could understand. Its an in your face opportunity, but CL!! You have to have conscious thought to pull out your phone and go to CL in your browser and select search criteria, browse and correspond. Its not a girl coming on to you and you were drunk and got carried away with her attention, it seems its inherent in your nature to seek out pussy. I would not blame her for seeing it that way, and I don't blame her for thinking you are cheating. I don't know what more you can do to remedy this since she already has open access to your PC/phone.

 

I know you didn't cheat but for a lot of people finding out their partner was texting other people for a hookup when you are away on a holiday together would be a ****ing huge deal in terms of destroying trust.

[Gabbit]

Thanks for the opinion. When I said that I was a different kind of drunk I was serious. Blacking out for some people can happen after just a few drinks. You don't physically pass out you basically function on cruise control. Here is an article of what a blackout is to A person like me. Scary - right?

 

Take blackouts seriously

 

So yes I was completely blacked out. I would have never went to CL and responded to an add unless I was. I would have also remembered to delete the email if I were conscious.

Edited November 25, 2014 by Gabbit

[ascendotum]

Okay. I've got friends who want to fight or get obnoxious when drunk but the sleep walker type I've never seen. I've done some stupid stuff that I've half remembered the next day when smashed but at that point I'm having a hard time walking a straight line, let alone being able to text people...imo But that's me.

 

So given your behavior when drunk, does your wife understand its not your conscious brain doing these things but your sub-conscious part of your mind. sounds like maybe she did once but not anymore. Its a shame you two did not stick together that night you ended up boozing in vegas. From her perspective it was a case you having a drink for the first time in ages, and what happens when she goes up stairs for a while, you are hunting for nookie on CL. Its like the threshold for you getting up to mischief is pretty low and you can't help it. A lot of people couldn't handle a partner like that unless maybe they were in some sort of ongoing program to reassure them the person was committed to change.

[Gabbit]

Well the only time I am like that is when I am blacked out. Since I have only drank once in 14 months it has only happened once. She does not understand what drinking does to me. I would venture to say very few do. I would never think to cheat when sober. I was never a cheater in any relationship I have been in.

 

Right on - I should have never been off on my own

[littleblackheart]

A few months ago we decided to take a trip. We were at a casino and I began drinking ( with her consent - not that it makes it any better as I should not have drank in the 1st place). Anyhow she returned to the hotel room and I continued to gamble until early morning.

 

Did you ask her for her consent, knowing full well the effect this has on you, or did she suggest that herself thinking she may trust you after how many months of not drinking? It may not change the end result, but at the very least she shouldn't be feeling guilty for allowing / encouraging you to trip up.

 

 

Also, I sincerely hope you haven't brought up the fact that, if the situation was reversed, you'd be more forgiving - that to me is a sign that you are somewhat attempting to absolve yourself of some of the responsibility when very clearly, no-one else is at fault here.

 

 

Is there a trained medical person who specialises in what you describe, where you could both go, so she could better understand what you're dealing with / is better equipped to not give in to trusting you anywhere near alcohol? An online article is not enough, IMO, to make you both see the effect this type of thing does to you and your marriage.

 

 

Good luck with it.

[gaius]

Was it a girl or guys ad you replied to? I only ask because you said person, not girl and I've noticed the whole blackout thing is often an excuse gay guys will use.

 

Whether you black out or not you know what happens when you drink, so the cheating is something you're choosing to do. You really don't have any excuse.

[Art_Critic]

I'm to start this off with "One drink is too many and a thousand is not enough".

 

You do realize the whole problem was created by your Alcoholism ?

If you had not taken the first drink then you wouldn't have put your marriage in jeopardy.

 

My advice, go to AA, find a local meeting near where you live and go there with the intention of taking the first step, admitting you are powerless over alcohol and introducing yourself to the room as an Alcoholic.

 

You did cheat on your wife.. with Alcohol

 

Get some help with your Alcohol problem first and then rest will all fall into place, asking for forgiveness from your wife when you haven't done the work in your sobriety will come off as shallow and have no weight... remember Step 8 is "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

 

You can't jump to Step 8 without doing the work of Steps 1-7

 

Good Luck.. Keep on Keeping on....

[autumnnight]

Thanks for the opinion. When I said that I was a different kind of drunk I was serious. Blacking out for some people can happen after just a few drinks. You don't physically pass out you basically function on cruise control. Here is an article of what a blackout is to A person like me. Scary - right?

 

Take blackouts seriously

 

So yes I was completely blacked out. I would have never went to CL and responded to an add unless I was. I would have also remembered to delete the email if I were conscious.

 

The answer to this is obvious - never have even one drink ever again....period.

 

As far as her thinking you cheated, she is still feeling unsafe from all your other actions, which you still do not take responsibility for. You are still hiding behind the "I'm special, I'm different, I blacked out."

 

No, you chose to drink knowing what it does, and while making that choice you betrayed her. YOU need to work on being trustworthy and do whatever it takes until she feels safe. End of story.

[Frank2thepoint]

I finally straightened up my act. I quit drinking...

 

A few months ago we decided to take a trip. We were at a casino and I began drinking ( with her consent - not that it makes it any better as I should not have drank in the 1st place).

 

Before you can save your marriage, you need fix that part of you that lacks self control. You knew very well the effects of alcohol on you, yet you asked for your wife's permission to drink. You consciously wanted to drink, as opposed to consciously stopping yourself from wanting to drink.

[preraph]

The intent to cheat is really the same as cheating, so she's got you there. The solution is simple. You need to make a vow, in front of a minister if necessary, to never drink again -- and if she doesn't understand by now that no, you can't even have one drink at the casino, then you need to take her with you when you attend the AA meetings and get her in one of those for family of alcoholics so she understands. This is a gap you need to close and she needs to understand she enabled you by going along with you drinking that time. I know you're really trying and I know it's really hard. Don't ever drink. Really, it's not even worth drinking if you don't remember it anyway!!

[SoleMate]

As far as her thinking you cheated, she is still feeling unsafe from all your other actions, which you still do not take responsibility for. You are still hiding behind the "I'm special, I'm different, I blacked out."

This is important. I'll take you at your word re the existence of a walking, talking, searching and texting blacked-out drunk. Still, given what you know about yourself, a decision to drink is also a decision to cheat. In fact, search your own heart and ask whether the decision to travel to the casino and gamble was also a decision to drink and cheat.

 

She does not understand what drinking does to me.

It is your duty to give her the full facts about this.

 

I began drinking (with her consent)....

Since you have not given her the full info about what drinking does to you, she is UNABLE to give fully-informed consent to your drinking. You rely on her uninformed "consent" at the peril of your marriage.

 

I'm questioning whether the supposed "consent" to drinking was actually more of a grudging, "Fine, go ahead if you insist", just to shortcut a conflict. That's not really consent, it's more like capitulation to the inevitable.

 

If you ever reach the point where your wife gives fully informed, enthusiastic consent to your drinking (or gambling - because that is a high risk behavior for infidelity-prone alcoholics), then you two have a whole different problem.

[eye of the storm]

Besides, if you were that blacked out....how do you know you didn't cheat?

[Nikki Sahagin]

OP, do you use the alcohol as an excuse to do things that you secretly want to do, but feel you can't do without alcohol?

 

I.e do you want to be with other women but are afraid to leave your wife, so you drink to 'excuse' that side of yourself? What makes you still want to be with your wife?

[Quiet Storm]

I understand the black out thing, as my father & sister are alcoholics and both did that. They'd have full conversations and not remember a thing. So I'm not doubting that you blacked out and don't remember doing this.

 

However, it's not an excuse, and is even more of a turn off than you just being a cheater. You knew your weakness, knew you would potentially black out. Yet, you drank anyway.

 

You promise to never drink again, but you obviously don't know how to protect yourself, from yourself. So why should she ever believe that? You will forget this promise the next time to find a reason to drink... vacation, argument, bad day at work? You are in crisis mode now, trying to fix your f*ck up. How long before you choke on your promises?

 

You are using the black out excuse, thinking that since you didn't know what you were doing, it should be more forgivable than if you were 100% conscious and aware. Maybe the act of responding to a craigslist ad could be considered more forgivable since you have no recollection of it. But forgiving you won't change you into a strong, stable, considerate, responsible and emotionally healthy husband. Maybe it's not about forgiveness, but just comes down to the fact that she doesn't want a husband like this. Seriously, who would?

 

From your wife's perspective, not only did you attempt to cheat, but you showed her how weak & flawed you really are. You are not just a jerk, you are a guy with serious issues and she's probably just tired of dealing with it. Not just a cheater, but an addict on top of it. Weakness is very unattractive. She can't respect you, and when a woman loses respect for her man, there's not much hope left. She wants a man that can stand on his own two feet and not need a babysitter.

 

Until you really work on your issues, the ones that go deep, you will make a mess of your life and those around you. Just admitting you shouldn't drink and making promises doesn't cut it, because you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy. Don't you want to know why you do this kind of stuff? Don't you want to learn how to protect yourself & those that love you, from this weak and selfish part of you? Until you genuinely want to be a better person, you won't change, you will just forever be apologizing, after the fact. A spouse can only take so much of that before they're done.

 

I'm sure there is a great guy in there somewhere, but you are allowing your issues to rule you. People like you rarely just successfully stop. So you need to get help and work on you, because you can't be a good husband if you're doing stuff like this. You are still in selfish "save my ass" mode, and she's done listening to the "I'm sorry, I'll never do it again" pathetic, pitiful man song. She wants a man she can trust, depend on and that she can be proud of.