Missromantic Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 Hi everyone I am new here and I would really appreciate your opinions. I am really sad because my relationship ended last week. I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I think the problem was mainly becasue I can become really needy and dependant and he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. I think I was already looking for a serious relationship and I think he wanted to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. He tried as much as he could to fulfill me but I was still pushing for more. I wanted him to love me a lot and I guess I became obsessed with our relationship. When we broke up the first time he still kept in touch with me and we were still meeting each other but I soon realised it was too hurtful for me because I was hoping he would change his mind. For him it was convenient I think at that time so I decided after about a month or so of being in this convenient relationship for him to end it all with him. I walked out on him and said I didn't want anything to do with him anymore because it hurt too much! He was doing everything to win me back. He called my mobile phone million times but I refused to answer. His friend told me that he was really upset and down and that he really wanted to talk to me but I refused. the next day he started to call me again the whole day! he came to my house asking me to get back to him and to have a real relationship! I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I thought ok i'll give us the chance. This was last year in September. He actually became quite attentive and caring and I thought now finally we are going to be together and happy! There were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with writing his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot. I became so attached to him emotionally it was so hard for me to just be independant from him and not to worry about him. In October he had to leave to go back to his country so our relationship became long-distance. We decided to keep going becasue we thought it's worth trying. He had to leave becasue he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy between us because of the distance but we were trying. He started his job and he became quite busy so I started to feel neglected and I became really needy and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. It gets lonely so I was looking for him all the time. I was aware that my dependance on him is driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I felt desparate! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thining of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! They were really nice to me! I also met his friends! I was really happy to be with him again! We spent a really nice week in his country! It was hard to leave again! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. They liked him a lot too! My parents liked him so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept asking him if he is going to come to see me and he kept saying that had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him and that he will leave if I don't stop! But he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention all the time so much! Well the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. Moreover my boss has been kind of creepy with me so I wasn't feeling on the top. My boyfriend was there for me a lot and he was really protective of me! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! We reached the feeling of feeling so happy and in love! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! He kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. We talked about me moving closer to him so we could see each other more often. I started to look for jobs so I could move closer! I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came to pick me from the airport, he was rushing from work to get me and he brought me the most beautiful flower! Not only was it Valentine's Day but also our first year anniversary! I was in heaven.. he had my photos near his bed and he was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! We were so happy to be together again! We had to wait one month and a half! However, on Saturday he was feeling tired and he was not in the best mood. He was tired from work. He works quite long hours. However, i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other often! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row that evening and it was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed that I didn't trust him enough to see that he was just tired. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him! He said that something has to happen soon otherwise he said it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you! He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard but when he saw me being so indifferent about it, he started to cry! When I saw the consequence of my reaction I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me and he kept crying! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He was not the same anymore. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. It hurt so much! I felt really bad! I tried my best to tell him that I didn't mean it but he said even though he could forgive, he couldn't forget! I felt devastated! I decided to book a weekend to go and see him. This was last weekend. He said to me that if I was coming to see him to bother him and to fight with him, I should stay at home but if I went to see him to have a good time I am welcome to see him. So I decided to go. I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me not to go that he needed space from me to feel better but I diddn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! It was strange between us. There was this gap and this distance between us. On Saturday we had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but I could feel he was quite irritated. He said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and we met but he told me "It's over" "It's over" He was so upset! He said Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it! I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. He said he wanted to be away from me. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each otehr and he said he is sorry but he said he is not feeling good about his life at the moment and he can't give me what I need. He said he is afraid of commitment. He said he wants to see what else is out there! he said he wants to be on his ow and free! he said he needs peace! He said to me that he needs to see other girls to see whether I am the right one for him. He said he is too young to know for sure. He said he could see I was really looking for a serious relationship and he said he is too young to give it to me right now. I appreciated his honesty and told him I understand. He said he felt relieved I did understand. He then told me that he doesn't want to close the door behing us completely and we should take a break. He said maybe one day we will be together again! He said he doesn't want to loose me and he still wants us to be in contact! He is still coming next weekend to see me for the Easter weekend. He said to me that he doesn't want us to be a couple though. Do you think there is still any chance? He has been worrying about me these days asking me how I am feeling! How should I be with him when he comes next weekend? I love him and I still want us to be together but I am respecting his decision! i haven't contacted him since Monday (when I got back). I feel so sad Should I still hope for anything? I felt when he said that it's a break that maybe there is a hope? What do you all think? Is there any way I could get him back? Please help! I am so desparate! Missromantic
Donut Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 You need to listen to what he is saying. He doesn't want to commit or have a serious relationship. Guys don't lie about this sort of thing. You can't change him so stop trying. Accept it for what it is or move on. Is this LDR and lack of commitment going to be enough for you? I don't think it is. This doesn't make him a bad person, although what he is offering is clearly not what you want. Perhaps it's time to find someone who wants the same things as you. Is capable of the relationship you want. You also have to stop saying hurtful things that you don't mean. Enjoy the time you spend with a guy, don't make it a constant fight! Expand your own life so you don't constantly depend on a guy to give you everything you need, this suffocates a relationship.
Wings Posted March 18, 2005 Posted March 18, 2005 1. Two persons in a relationship should have similar goals. You want commitment, he doesn't - that will not work 2. Hurtful words will just push him away from you. Even when you reconcile, the scar remains. 3. It's better to be alone than unhappy. I saw myself in the thread you wrote. I still love my guy very much. I want marriage, he's not ready. We had fights, and till today, we often don't remember the cause, but we remember the process (hurtful words, ugly threats) . They remember how you make them feel.
Author Missromantic Posted March 19, 2005 Author Posted March 19, 2005 Thanks for your replies! I really appreciate your help! I am going through waves - one minute I am thinking I must let him go and I must accept it and try to move on but then I start to think about him and our times and I really miss him! We used to text each other and call each other! Now there is this silence! I still cannot understand how could he just give up? He was the one telling me he wanted me to move closer to him so we can see each other more often and have a proper relationship. He wasn't happy with the distance. Why couldn't he wait a little longer for me? I was supposed to move at the end of June and possibly try to be closer to him! There were times he behaved as if he was really commited to me!! I am sad thinking that he must fell out of love with me after the disastrous weekend when I overreacted with him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I was living clsoer to him? I am thinking if things would have been different if I have taken the relationship slowly and stopped pushing him for more? I didn't look for a marriage! I guess the long-distance was hard for us and I wanted to be closer to him as well! I thought he wanted the same thing? Why did he suddenly change his mind like this? I am so sad thinking that he broke up with me because of the distance and because he wants to have a girl who is closer to him and unfortunately I couldn't do it now because I couldn't just leave the country and move to his. I needed more time and I am sad he couldn't wait. I am aware that we were having arguments a lot but that was mainly because we were so far away from each other and then when we met we had the highest expectations of the weekends.. I miss him terribly! I wonder whether he is happier now without me. Like I said he is coming to see me next weekend for the Easter holiday! What would you advise how to be with him? Do you think I should hope for anything this weekend? My friends told me that they are surprised he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holidays with his family and friends... they say that he must still care so much for me.. In a way it's true that he works now so he doesn't get to see his family very often. I really appreciate he is spending the holiday with me. Why do you think he would still come even if he decided to break up with me? I always thought that if you break up with someone and you don't want to be with them anymore, you want to be far from them at least for now.. I know that we said he would still come here because he doesn't want me to spend the holiday on my own. I live abroad without my family and so he is maybe coming here because he would not like me to be alone.. that's very sweet of him but I am still wondering he would prefer spending the weekend with me knowing that it'll be probably sad and hard for us.. What do you all think? Should I be his friend when he comes? It's impossible though....I still love him and miss him so much! I still hope for a relationship with him to be honest! But at the same time I really want to respect his decision becasue he obviously wasn't happy with me and I want him to be happy! It's just that I still cannot believe he left because not a very long time ago he used to tell me he loves me so much and I was his best girlfriend.. something has changed a lot in such a short time!
Conundrum Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 Missromantic, First, I would have to agree with Donut. Please try and listen to what he is saying. Sometimes listening is better than talking. If he does come in this weekend it is because of one or two things: 1.) he still cares for you 2.) he may feel obligated to come because he told you that he will. You need to try and control some of your emotions. I would try not to talk about getting back together, even though it is what you want and will be very hard to do. You should act friendly but dont be too flirty or clingy. He may just need some space to cool down or sort things out, so to speak. Give him what he is asking for. As far as hope goes, all I can say is he may come back, he may not. All this is happening for reason and you just have to believe it is for the best. Its about the big picture, whether you can see it or not. This will only prepare you and make you stronger for your next relationship, whether it is with him or someone else. Hope this helps.
Author Missromantic Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 Hi everyone, here I am again with my update Thank you for your opinion Conundrum and everyone else!! I have not contacted him the whole weekend! I have not had the urge but it's true I was looking at my mobile from time to time ! I am not sure if he really needs time to cool down? this is our conversation from last Friday: He sent me an email on Friday: i just want to ask u something? are u still sure u want me to come to see u next week? cos i 'm a bit worried for u, i dont know if it's good for u to see me now. i could understand if u prefer to stay alone without seeing me for a while to make u forget a bit and be less sad. Cos i know u re sad now and i m not sure if it can improve the situation if u see me. please tell me the truth about what u really want? u know if u dont want me to come, it doesnt mean that we wont see later after a while anymore cos i can understand u may need a bit of time to forget and be less sad.Tell me please have a good day xxx I said I would like him to come and whether he still wants? He replied: yes i will come if u re ok with it! i'm just worried that u could suffer more if u see me, that's why i 'm asking u that. But yes what we said last week was true! xxx I said to him: i don't think i will suffer if i see you. i'll be happy to see you. If it was true what we said last week why did you tell me to forget in your email? I thought you told me that you don't want to close the door behind us? I thought we decided that it was taking a break to see how we feel later? xxx He replied: i meant to forget about your sadness.I m not closing any door at all but i dont want u to think that we may be together again cos u may wait for me and it wouldnt be very fair for u cos i never said we will be together again for sure. U know i said that cos helen was in this kind of situation with paul, she was like waiting for him for 2years and they are finally not together and they may never be together again. so she lost 2years. i dont want to do the same to u, it wouldnt be very fair for u. That's why i prefer to be clear by saying that i dont want to be back with u now and i cant promise u anything for the future. xxx I said: I appreciate you are so concerned for me. I thought me and you had a different relationship to Helen's and the guy. So you prefer I don't wait and take it as a final break up and not taking a break as we said to each other? So you were just saying things like we can see 6 months later how we feel to make me feel better but you knew that it's over completely for you? Sorry about the questions. xxx He replied: of course it was different between us than with helen's situation cos we stayed more than one year together which is not cecile's case. but i didnt say that to make u feel better cos that's what i thought. but i never said we will be together again. i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together xxx What do you all think please?? He is being quite vague! I know that he can't tell me now what I want to hear but does it mean that it's over and he is trying to make it less painful for us or there is still a chance? So back to my weekend.. I was watching a love story last night (of course thinking of HIM) and I cried so much I had to swith off the TV! I went upstairs and there was an email from him! He said: how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my we resting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good! How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now? good night xxx I didn't expect this email to be honest! I thougth we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till this morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible! he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!" What do you all think? I am quite confused! Please help! I am not sure what to do or how to be with him! I don't want him to be comfortable with us as "friends"! I still love him!
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 21, 2005 Posted March 21, 2005 I don't want him to be comfortable with us as "friends"! I still love him! Then you'll need to make that perfectly clear to him. Tell him that you do not want to be friends, you want to be his girlfriend. If you say nothing, then he will be comfortable with being 'friends' because that's all he wants right now, and you aren't giving him any impression that you have a problem with that. If he thinks you have no problem with 'friends', then he will continue on just like he's doing. The only choice now is yours: stay and settle for 'friends', or leave. There is no middle ground on this one right now. That's not to say you won't make your way back to each other one day in a new and different relationship, but that day isn't now or any time soon. You'll have to put the old relationship completely behind you, learn what you need to from it and maybe one day you can take that knowledge with you into a new relationship with him. The old one is gone - he isn't going back to a relationship that he left, but he may go into a new one with you ... Right now though, you'll want to concentrate on putting that old relationship behind you, and learning what you can from it. You won't be able to do that if you are concentrating only on the hopes of a future with him. If the only way you can get over it, is to sever ties with him - then its necessary to do that. While he may come into a new relationship with you, he won't come back to your old relationship, so you'll need to stop offering it to him, or he'll just stop talking to you altogether if all you have to offer is a relationship with you that he has already rejected.
Author Missromantic Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " he is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it! He is coming to see me on Friday! I am still wondering why would he want to do that! I feel he must care a lot because he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holiday with his family and friends.. We are far from each other.. so it's not like a convienience for him.. I just don't understand it! I have been really strong! I have not contacted him! I have not called him to beg for another chance.. I haven't! and I was advised to act happy now! I tried to sound happy in my email to him as you can read here: how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my we resting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good! How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now? good night xxx I didn't expect this email to be honest! I thougth we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till this morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible! he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!" I worry though that if I sound happy he will think that I am happier now without him than when I was with him.. He sent me another email this morning asking me if I was well and asking me about this weekend.. telling me that we could go and see a show and asking me if there was anything I wanted to do so we can organise our weekend.. I haven't replied! I am so confused.. I love him and I am sure seeing him this weekend will be hard but I don't want to call it off.. What do you think about the whole thing? I am so sad and confused! I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. do you think he is really interested only in a friendship?
Author Missromantic Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 It's so hard.. I miss him! I am so scared about Friday!!
Author Missromantic Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Hello everyone, I am new here! I am really grateful that I can come here and ask you for your help and opinion. my relationship ended last week. I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant. he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. He likes to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. When we broke up the first time were still meeting each other but I soon realised it was too hurtful for me. For him it was convenient I think at that time so I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I thought ok i'll give us the chance. This was last year in September. the relationship was much better aferwards and I thought now finally we are going to be together .There were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot. I became so attached to him emotionally. In October our relationship became long-distance. He had to leave becasue he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy between us because of the distance but we were trying. He started his job, became quite busy so I started to feel neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him was driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thinking of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! I was really happy to be with him again! We spent a really nice week in his country! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. They liked him a lot too so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept pushing for answers when he is coming to see me. the thing is at that time he had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him. he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention so much! BUt the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. I felt lonely! He was there for me a lot! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! After some time, we reached the feeling of feeling so happy and in love! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! But he kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other. I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came rushing from work to pick me up from the airport and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year annivesary! I was in heaven. He had my photos near his bed and was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! However, on Saturday he was not in the best mood. He was tired from work. Unfortunately i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other for one month and a half! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row. It was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him,that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said "why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you!" He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard to fight for our relationship but when he saw my indifference about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me. The first time I saw him crying! I know he is sensitive! I tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted becasue I was worried he wants to stop our relationship. Since then he had been really distant with me. He changed. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! He said "we failed"! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt really bad! I tried my best to tell him that I didn't mean it but he said even though he could forgive, he couldn't forget! I felt devastated! I decided to go and see him last weekend to save it all. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea but I decided to go. I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me that he needed space from me to feel better but I didn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! It was strange between us. There was this uncomfortable feeling between us. we then had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but I could feel he was quite irritated. He said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and we met but he told me "It's over" "It's over" He was so upset! He said "Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it!" I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. He said he wanted to be away from me. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each other and he hugged me so much and said "It's hard for me as well but the only thing I can say is I am sorry!" This is what he told me when we had the open talk: He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset and hurt and I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down he hugged me.. I was crying so much.. He said to me that he wanted to be completely honest with me. he said that he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. He admitted that if he was sure like me that I was the one for him he would have made more efforts but he said he gave our relationsip lots of energy and effort! he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He also said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship than he wanted and he said he is afraid of commitment. He also said that because I am older than him 2 years and have a little bit more experience with relationships. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he said he can't give me the stability now. He said that he has just started his job and he said he is not really sure about his own life. He said he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is not happy with his life. He said that he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. So i guess he doens't want to miss out on anything. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted and he wanted to be sincere with me. He said he has never been unfaithful and he has never tried anything with another girl but he said now he wants to still experience what other girls are like. He said he only had 2 relationships in his life and one of them was when he was only 17 and the next one with me. He says he is too young to be serious like I wish to be and he said he is aware that most of our problems were stemming from that. I was so sad to hear that but I know I can't force him and I said to him that I understand he needs to experience more. I said to him that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was so amazed how understanding I was. He was so grateful for that! I said to him that I feel like I have damaged this relationship by being too needy and too demanding and I felt like I lost him. He said that it's true that he felt not free enough. he took me for a dinner and we talked really openly about everything. He said that he still wants to enjoy his life before becoming serious (He is 24 years old.) But he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. he said he was sad too. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me. He said it'll be ok. He said please don't worry it's not your fault. It's me. What do you all think about it? He was so caring and so worrying about me! Does anyone have a similar experience? And has it worked out? He said that we were fighting a lot and so that didn't make him motivated more. He said it made him feel like he wants to see something else. but I am not sure if he will ever realise if I am the girl he wants if he says that we fought a lot. I said to him "maybe one day you will find a girl you want who is independent and less needy. I know that's what you want". He said "yes maybe but maybe she will not care enough about me and I will not like that". But he said it's true that so far he has had girls who wanted to be commited and involved a lot. I don't want to loose him completely but i am wondering if he is ever going to realise about me anything if I am still there.... I am sorry about the length! please everyone what do you all think about this? Is there a hope for us? Miss romantic
HotCaliGirl Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Missromantic, I am sorry to read about your break up and hope you are at least feeling a little bit better about the situation as time is passing. You were definitely suffocating your bf and were TOO needy and taking up too much of his time and attention. You were also way too emotional and even unpredictable, creating fights and crying and I can imagine you throwing tantrums until he finally felt forced and gave in to visit you in December even though it was inconvenient with his new job, dissertation, move etc. during that time. You were always threatening to him, either he sees you or else there's a fight...moving things into what you call a serious relationship but I think a selfish relationship where you only cared about your needs getting met and not giving him the space and time he needed to himself. And during your visit to him while you were both taking a walk, and you were bugging him so he says he wished you hadn't come - I can only imagine how annoying you were to him - again you throw a tantrum and instead of talking about why he felt that way, your response is to say you don't need him and you'll go!! That is so immature and you are the older one... On your previous trip when he is trying to talk to you about your relationship, you initiate a break up, hurting him deeply and making him cry, again like a childish, selfish, knee-jerk response that hurts him, confuses and bothers him, instead of like an adult talking out the situation so that you can take blame for what is cuasing the problems. You make him to be this bad guy whenever he opens his mouth to complain that you are being needy, among other things... He was surprised at how understanding you were in response to him saying that he would like space and be apart so that he can see other women and experience other relationships. How would you feel if you told him that you'd like to see other guys and he responded like that is absolutely fine with him? Being the sensitive person you describe him to be, he probably got upset that you were not troubled by this proposal. You send too many mixed signals that are extreme - from extreme neediness, to extreme indifference and hurtful actions like telling him you want to break up, then when you make him CRY and feel so hurt, say you didn't mean it! Wow, I can't believe he has been putting up with this cra* for so long. Maybe the time apart will be a good thing so that you can improve on your behavior and he can figure out what he wants. I think there is a change for sure since he must truly care about you to have put up with your drama, games and bad behavior for so long, but I wouldn't put all my eggs in one basket so you should consider dating other men yourself, if for nothing else, to practice being a normal gf in a relationship who is not needy, controlling and threatening to end the relationship all the time or fight and argue if the guy can't see you. You say he's 24 and you're 26, but you act like you are 2 or 6...Again, I am sorry for the hurt you are currently going through. But I think for the sake of your relationship having any chances of succeeding, you need to give him some space and you may end up becoming closer and a better couple in the future...
Author Missromantic Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 I feel gutted after talking after reading my last post.. I feel like I must have been the worst girlfriend for him and I must have hurt him and I must have made the relationship so hard for him! I feel so sad and upset! It's my fault everything! I lost him! No wonder he wants to see other girls! I miss him and I love him! And now he is coming this weekend.. I can't even look into his eyes I feel so bad! Why is he still coming here if I was so bad for him?
Recommended Posts