RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 What are your thoughts about returning items back to a prior BF/GF? Over the summer, I came across something an old boyfriend gave me a year or two ago. He had nicely framed a record cover for a vinyl album that had special significance. He's a big vinyl album buff, and it just seems mean to toss it's mating cover in the trash. I could keep it, but I feel it has some bad mojo keeping it in my house. Lots of conflicted thoughts about that guy. I don't want to open up that can of worms again by sending it back to him and reopening the lines of communication, even though he has a girlfriend now. Mostly I just want it out of my house without incurring anymore negativity. On the other hand, sometime after my divorce, I ceremoniously destroyed my wedding china without a touch of anger. It's such a little thing... but if I were to destroy it, I'd have to be void of any feelings attached to it. I'm a little superstitious that way. I believe that anything done in anger comes back to you. It's a lot easier for me to just send it back to him rather than destroy it, plus I'd like to think it is the adult thing to do. Thoughts?
eye of the storm Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 It's a lot easier for me to just send it back to him rather than destroy it, plus I'd like to think it is the adult thing to do. You just answered your own question. If it is easier to do, just do it. Sometimes we make things harder than they really are. You can add a note in the box stating that you were getting rid of stuff and found this or you can just stick it in a box and mail it with nothing.
Gloria25 Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 There's Goodwill you know...places where you can donate stuff, get tax breaks, help out poor people... 1
CarrieT Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Just donate it. The item was a gift. Don't give it back as that sends a message to the Ex and could possibly unnecessarily re-open wounds. 8
Art_Critic Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Just donate it. The item was a gift. Don't give it back as that sends a message to the Ex and could possibly unnecessarily re-open wounds. Took the words outta my mouth.. or keyboard... 1
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 If this possession was truly important to him, he would have remembered it and tried in some way to get it back from you. Since hasn't done that, you should feel fine about tossing it/donating it somewhere. Being straight with you, I also question your motives a little. And that's only because I tried to imagine myself in the same position. I think I'd only put the effort into returning it if I secretly wanted to cause some sort of minor disruption to his life. Like, wanting to force him to have that moment of remembering me and choosing a response. This option would allow you to do that under the guise of "doing the right thing" (as opposed to any other form of contact, which would be seen as negative.) Or maybe I'm just being cynical. In which case, sorry! 5
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 If this possession was truly important to him, he would have remembered it and tried in some way to get it back from you. Since hasn't done that, you should feel fine about tossing it/donating it somewhere. Being straight with you, I also question your motives a little. And that's only because I tried to imagine myself in the same position. I think I'd only put the effort into returning it if I secretly wanted to cause some sort of minor disruption to his life. Like, wanting to force him to have that moment of remembering me and choosing a response. This option would allow you to do that under the guise of "doing the right thing" (as opposed to any other form of contact, which would be seen as negative.) Or maybe I'm just being cynical. In which case, sorry! I thought about that too... When I came across it in the summer, I had the opportunity to return it then, but didn't. It was only after I heard he had a girlfriend and had successfully moved on that I felt the dust was settled enough in his life to possibly return it without any bad intent on my part or disruption to his life. Provide final closure, as it were. Regarding its significance, he kept the vinyl album. It is possible, and quite likely that he threw the other half away long ago and this is a moot point. I could donate the cover to Goodwill, but it doesn't have a lot of value without the album itself too. I'm making way too much out of this, is my feeling. The weird thing is... I hadn't thought about the guy at all in quite a while, and I'm not one to ruminate over past loves or past anything. The fact that he even pops into my head right now is strange to me and has me wondering what is going on my life that would make me care at all. It feels a little creepy and I don't like it. It's why I want anything that was his out of my house. Oh, I just thought of a place I could send it!!! Museum of Broken Relationships - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia There is some poetic justice to having the cover and it's mating album being forever apart and not reunited. Kind of like us. But that is also why it feels mean. I don't like messy endings or vindictiveness. Even though he and I aren't together and don't have any occasion to see each other except accidentally, it is still a 'small town'. We have overlapping social circles. I think that is another reason why I want to send this small gesture of kindness back. Not to re open any wounds, but for closure. OTOH, sometimes we never get closure, and that's life. There is a past BF of mine going back to just after my high school days who contacts me like clockwork every few years trying to reestablish some kind of relationship... even though he's married with kids. It feels sad when he does that. I wish he'd move on. Thing is, he is the one who broke up with me, so I don't even know why he bothers. Two other old flames contacted me in the past few years. I didn't respond to any of them. I don't go backwards. That is why it is very odd that I'd consider going back wards with this current situation. I just answered my own question on this. Can't send it back to him. Don't want to reestablish anything. I'll figure out what is going on in my life to make me contemplate contacting him though. This isn't about him. It's about something else I can't quite put my finger on right now. 1
gaius Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I'd mail it back to him with a note saying you're not looking to reopen communication but you found this and it would be a shame for it to go to waste. But I have issues with throwing stuff that's still good out. =/ Even a vinyl album cover. You really destroyed your wedding china but you didn't feel any emotion over it?
Taramere Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I could donate the cover to Goodwill, but it doesn't have a lot of value without the album itself too. If it doesn't have sufficient value to be of any use to a charity shop and you don't want it, just chuck it. I'm making way too much out of this, is my feeling. The weird thing is... I hadn't thought about the guy at all in quite a while, and I'm not one to ruminate over past loves or past anything. The fact that he even pops into my head right now is strange to me and has me wondering what is going on my life that would make me care at all. It feels a little creepy and I don't like it. It's why I want anything that was his out of my house. All the more reason to make sure it's ready for collection on bin day. Or garbage disposal day. Museum of Broken Relationships - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Oh my God, look at this... This exhibit, labeled "ex-axe", was donated by a woman from Berlin. She used it to chop her former lover's furniture in frustration after being left for another woman: "two weeks after she left, she came back for the furniture. It was neatly arranged into small heaps and fragments of wood. She took that trash and left my apartment for good. The axe was promoted to a therapy instrument". I don't think I'd want to have any mementoes of a past relationship sharing space with something like that. I think that is another reason why I want to send this small gesture of kindness back. Not to re open any wounds, but for closure. If only closure were as easy as that to get. I've done various things in the name of closure (including throwing jewellery away - on the basis that I thought it might have brought bad luck to anybody I gave/sold it to). Doesn't really work in terms of bringing about closure. Only time brings you that...and when it comes to actually returning a gift to the original donor, I really think he might interpret that as an attempt on your part to reconnect. Doesn't seem worth the hassle, when that's the potential result. 1
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 I don't think I'd want to have any mementoes of a past relationship sharing space with something like that. Yea, talking about bad mojo. I'm a little queezy about memorializing objects from a broken relationship. If only closure were as easy as that to get. I've done various things in the name of closure (including throwing jewellery away - on the basis that I thought it might have brought bad luck to anybody I gave/sold it to). Doesn't really work in terms of bringing about closure. Only time brings you that...and when it comes to actually returning a gift to the original donor, I really think he might interpret that as an attempt on your part to reconnect. Doesn't seem worth the hassle, when that's the potential result. Talking about rituals...That was part of my reason for destroying the china. Didn't want it to bring bad luck to someone. The metaphor of this album cover lying in a landfill rotting away... hmm... I'm not a fan of increasing landfills... maybe it would be better to put the glass from the frame and the album cover itself in the recycle bin. It's just a piece of pressed paper after all. The only thing that goes in the trash is the empty frame, which suits me. Or, I could burn the cover. Although, I'd want to do it outside. That's probably a more fitting metaphor for this relationship. We are recycling with someone else. I like that.
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I thought about that too... When I came across it in the summer, I had the opportunity to return it then, but didn't. It was only after I heard he had a girlfriend and had successfully moved on that I felt the dust was settled enough in his life to possibly return it without any bad intent on my part or disruption to his life. Provide final closure, as it were. Regarding the above... you want to make sure that's it not this "news that he's moved on" that's driving your motivation here on some subconscious level. Again, this is me imagining myself in the same spot. With one of my exes, I hadn't thought of him in a long time, but when I snuck a peek at his Facebook and learned he was in a serious relationship, I found he was on my mind A LOT more. I even felt tempted to get in touch with some sort of sentimental "We made our mistakes, but we had a good time, didn't we?" type letter, which thankfully I didn't. Sometimes when you discover that an ex has officially shelved you into the past, there's a weird urge to butt your head in and remind them that you were a big part of their life, too. Like "Even though you've moved on, I still exist!!" Sharing another related story: I just remembered that once about two months after a breakup an ex mailed me a pair of my earrings I'd left at his place. He sent them to my workplace with no return address on the envelope, no note, etc. I didn't care about the earrings, they probably cost $12. So I read this action of his as an attempt to: a) convey that he was "the bigger man," capable of overlooking the bitterness of the breakup to return the earrings to their rightful place, and b) provoke me in some way, forcing me to think about him. Again, though, this is diving deep with a cynical eye to look at some buried motives. OP, it genuinely sounds like your intent is more positive.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 I'd mail it back to him with a note saying you're not looking to reopen communication but you found this and it would be a shame for it to go to waste. But I have issues with throwing stuff that's still good out. =/ Even a vinyl album cover. You really destroyed your wedding china but you didn't feel any emotion over it? He knows I'm not one to waste things either. However, just like what the others have said... No matter what I *say* about not wanting to reopen communication, I'm afraid he'd believe that I really do. I'm not really keen on giving him an ego stroke either. But I also don't shy away from uncomfortable feelings in the pursuit of doing the right thing. That's why I'm conflicted. As for my ex-H.... I did destroy my wedding china. I'm not sure if emotion is the right way to describe what I felt when I destroyed it. It was a ritual. It wasn't done in anger. It was done with a sense of purpose and clarity. It put into action what I felt inside... and that my thoughts, feelings, and life were permanently broken from him. That china symbolized a lot of what was wrong about our relationship in many ways.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 Regarding the above... you want to make sure that's it not this "news that he's moved on" that's driving your motivation here on some subconscious level. Again, this is me imagining myself in the same spot. With one of my exes, I hadn't thought of him in a long time, but when I snuck a peek at his Facebook and learned he was in a serious relationship, I found he was on my mind A LOT more. I even felt tempted to get in touch with some sort of sentimental "We made our mistakes, but we had a good time, didn't we?" type letter, which thankfully I didn't. Sometimes when you discover that an ex has officially shelved you into the past, there's a weird urge to butt your head in and remind them that you were a big part of their life, too. Like "Even though you've moved on, I still exist!!" Sharing another related story: I just remembered that once about two months after a breakup an ex mailed me a pair of my earrings I'd left at his place. He sent them to my workplace with no return address on the envelope, no note, etc. I didn't care about the earrings, they probably cost $12. So I read this action of his as an attempt to: a) convey that he was "the bigger man," capable of overlooking the bitterness of the breakup to return the earrings to their rightful place, and b) provoke me in some way, forcing me to think about him. Again, though, this is diving deep with a cynical eye to look at some buried motives. OP, it genuinely sounds like your intent is more positive. I hear you. I don't feel I'm trying to do anything disruptive. I held onto it until I could do something that didn't feel angry, and also to avoid the appearance of wanting to get back with him. I purposely waited for him to find someone else to avoid the appearance of that. I knew he would find someone else eventually. I don't pine over past relationships... but I do prefer they end well and cleanly. I think I'm also a bit naïve or too optimistic thinking that sending this back to him will be taken as anything positive... no matter how positive I feel my motives really are. Best to just leave it alone. I'll place my motives and thoughts to the wind and let that be good enough.
Art_Critic Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I'm having trouble understanding why you don't destroy it like you destroyed your china... Aren't the two really parallel ?.. I'd bet the china was worth more too... I get the china deal.. and I think I get the vinyl deal, hopefully you do as well.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 I didn't care about the earrings, they probably cost $12. So I read this action of his as an attempt to: a) convey that he was "the bigger man," capable of overlooking the bitterness of the breakup to return the earrings to their rightful place, and b) provoke me in some way, forcing me to think about him. Thought about this more... When I return something, it is with the understanding that I may not understand the full value of it to someone and I'm just doing my part not to create more bad mojo. Unless he knew somehow that the $12 earrings were worthless to you, I think it was responsible for him to return it. The other possible interpretations you had of it were in your head and not necessarily his. Although, if he was kind of a tit-for-tat kinda guy or passive aggressive, then I'd agree with you. I'm a very upfront (and I'd like to think... self aware) person, so most people know that I'm quite literal and not to read between the lines too much.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 I'm having trouble understanding why you don't destroy it like you destroyed your china... Aren't the two really parallel ?.. I'd bet the china was worth more too... I get the china deal.. and I think I get the vinyl deal, hopefully you do as well. In the case of the china, we had discussed it at length during the divorce. He'd made it clear that he didn't want it. I don't know about this album cover... and the frame. The frame is one he's had for a long time. He removed another fave album cover of his that he had on the wall to put this cover in it and give it to me. I have some sense it means something to him independent of me. We stopped seeing each other before a trip I made to see my parents in FL over the summer 2013. When I got back, we tried to be friends for awhile... During that 'trying to be friends' stage he made a point of saying 'oh, you don't hate me', when he saw it still up and not put away. It has some significance to him. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it was just a spare frame and this did just as well. I kind of doubt it. I knew when he was fibbing to me and when he wasn't. We couldn't be friends because he kept trying to push my boundaries physically. I never trusted that he wanted a real relationship with me, or was capable of having a real relationship with me... no matter how many times he said that was what he wanted. It still feels a little mean to not return it. However, given our history, I'm thinking it is best to let it go. And trust that the powers that be (whatever that is) know my heart.
serial muse Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I think you should let it go. Donate it, or throw it out - whichever feels best to you. But don't contact him about it. My answer might be different if it hadn't been a gift to you. But in giving it away, he relinquished all ownership of it. It isn't mean, then, to do with it whatever is best for you. 2
preraph Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 As someone who's attached to my vinyl, I think you should just mail it to him. First find out for sure where he lives. And then just enclose the note the other poster suggested. Don't make a big deal out of it. He will be happy to have it back, I know. 1
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 For anyone who follows some of my posts over the years... This was 'Mr. Ryan'... The guy who inspired a long thread of mine devoted to men who have FWB. It was his history with a same age long-term FWB, while pursuing the much younger woman he fell in 'love' with (who later broke up with him, BTW) that solidified my feelings about FWB and men who have them. He tried very hard to convince me that is not what he was interested in with me, but I had my doubts that I had a hard time putting my finger on. We seemed to have a lot of things in common, had a strong physical attraction, etc, but some things just didn't line up. I ultimately trusted my gut on this one and we went our separate ways when I had an opportunity to visit my parents a couple of months into our courtship. He contacted me again when I returned, and I tried to find a happy medium where we could get to know each other without the pressure, but he kept pushing for more and I just didn't trust him. It was only later that I found out about the overlap in the prior FWB and his later girlfriend... and felt my earlier doubts were confirmed. I'm quite positive that the so-called FWB believed they were pursuing something meaningful as well. Then as soon as he locked her down, he went about finding someone he liked better.... then called her a FWB after the fact to avoid the cheater label. I felt that is what he was trying to do with me too. Use me as a dating stepping stone or a placeholder. Well, that's how I feel about men who have FWB in general. I don't respect them or trust them. Anyone who can have meaningless, non-relationship sex with for that long is not someone I'd trust with my heart. That's how I always felt, and it was my interaction with him that put a 'face' to that feeling. Thing is, I checked out his new girlfriend on Facebook. She seems perfect for him. I have no doubt she (or someone like her) would be the person he would have been pursuing while he was pretending to have a relationship with me. Or just enough of a relationship so that he could keep me off the market while he pursued others. Guys do that a lot. Especially these days. Lots of people feel differently about FWB and relationships than I do. She seems to be a live in the moment, no rules, kind of person too. That's great!! I'm glad they found each other!! As I keep saying here on LS... for chrissake, stick to your own kind!! Don't try to reel in people with different values than you just because you see something you like. It was really confusing and annoying to have someone try that with me... I don't have to agree with his moral boundaries to decide what kind of life or morals *I* have... and my morals dictate that I return things that belong to others unless I feel that doing so will do more harm or cause trouble. So, that's the whole story....
Standard-Fare Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Thought about this more... When I return something, it is with the understanding that I may not understand the full value of it to someone and I'm just doing my part not to create more bad mojo. Unless he knew somehow that the $12 earrings were worthless to you, I think it was responsible for him to return it. The other possible interpretations you had of it were in your head and not necessarily his. Although, if he was kind of a tit-for-tat kinda guy or passive aggressive, then I'd agree with you. I'm a very upfront (and I'd like to think... self aware) person, so most people know that I'm quite literal and not to read between the lines too much. Yeah, I guess you're right, and that's a kinder view than the one I'd had. But at that point, I hadn't been thinking of this guy at all, I'd moved past him, and getting the mail was an unwelcome reminder of him. Honestly, though, I had regrets over the way I'd treated this dude so it was uncomfortable for me. I did have to wonder if the mail was his attempt to force me into that place of discomfort/guilt. 1
MissBee Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Just donate it. The item was a gift. Don't give it back as that sends a message to the Ex and could possibly unnecessarily re-open wounds. Ditto. Esp if the breakup was two years ago, then no, I wouldn't go all out of my way to contact an ex of 2 years to send him back something he clearly has not missed. Most people ask back for stuff they want or need after the breakup...he's lived life for 2 years without it and never asked so I'm sure it wouldn't be mean to simply donate it or give it away to a friend or someone else who might like if you don't want to just trash it.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 ... Thanks everyone! I think I've come up with an acceptable plan that doesn't violate my values and will be respectful to all involved. I'm now moving onto the thought of 'why now?' Well, my fiancée died years ago in October... it is this time of year (not to mention the holidays) that gets me introspective. It's also a time of year that I like to wrap things up if there are outstanding issues. In this case... part of the whole cognitive dissonance revolved around my ongoing frustration at dating in general and how out of place I am around here. Either location or age range. I dunno. It just seems that I'm the outlier in wanting to get to know someone prior to having sex with them.... and that I'm an outlier in my desire and ability to share my thoughts and feelings honestly in advance of becoming intimate. It seems more the rule than the exception these days that people lie early on. I don't remember things being quite so effed up that way before I was married and before I met my fiancée... It's why I attribute it to the OLD culture and the lack of accountability so many people have. It isn't very often that I come across someone that I want to develop a relationship with... and so often it turns out they are either too wounded from a prior relationship to open up, and have lots of maladaptive, distancing behaviors... or they have this other philosophy that I feel has developed since the advent of OLD.. that somehow the best way to develop a relationship is to f*ck your way into one with a complete stranger. Anyway, just venting...
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 Ditto. Esp if the breakup was two years ago, then no, I wouldn't go all out of my way to contact an ex of 2 years to send him back something he clearly has not missed. Most people ask back for stuff they want or need after the breakup...he's lived life for 2 years without it and never asked so I'm sure it wouldn't be mean to simply donate it or give it away to a friend or someone else who might like if you don't want to just trash it. Not quite two years... We stopped all communication around March 2014. This year. He did have plenty of opportunity to ask for it back though... now that I think of it. It wasn't like we just broke up, then went total NC. So yea, lots of reasons not to send it back to him.
Author RedRobin Posted November 25, 2014 Author Posted November 25, 2014 Yeah, I guess you're right, and that's a kinder view than the one I'd had. But at that point, I hadn't been thinking of this guy at all, I'd moved past him, and getting the mail was an unwelcome reminder of him. Honestly, though, I had regrets over the way I'd treated this dude so it was uncomfortable for me. I did have to wonder if the mail was his attempt to force me into that place of discomfort/guilt. I dunno if he could force that feeling or how he would know what effect it had on you. If you had that feeling though, then it is probably not a bad thing he sent it back to you. Sometimes these things happen to force us to deal with things we don't want to deal with and should. Having to revisit how you treated him, for instance. In my case, revisiting my thoughts about dating and maybe missing my fiancée or at least missing being in a relationship with someone I love and trust. I never trusted the album guy... so I know this isn't about him necessarily or the fact that he has a girlfriend now. I've never been envious or jealous that way. One of my best male friends is a guy I dated for over a year, for instance. After the feeling of initial loss wears off, I'm quite good at salvaging anything that is worthwhile and healthy about the relationship.
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