Ariel2006 Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 But I have met his family and friends as his "girlfriend" I recently asked him if he should meet mine, but he says he is not ready? We've been together for 2 years (we wanted to take it slow..) I sometimes wonder if he wants to be with me at all.. but then he does things like if he sees a guy flirting with me he gets mad & jealous... Why does he get mad & jealous ... not everyone knows we're officially dating. Only his family and a good amount of mutual friends. We haven't publicized because we didn't want the drama ... but why does he get so jealous... it's not like I'm leading them on... I sometimes think that the reason he doesn't want to move further and tell my parents is cause of his EX... but they broke up because he wouldn't propose... so my assumption is he has commitment issues & trust issues ... But how do I manage this? Without pressuring... I try to be patient & understanding ...and even told him I won't tolerate this forever... I need to know if I'm wasting time.. and he says I'm not.. he's just not ready...
d0nnivain Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 How complicated would it be to meet your family? If it requires somebody to get on a plane, don't spring it on him. If every body is local or they are going to be here anyway, after 2 years I think you can press the issue. 1
preraph Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 To him, that step means some degree of commitment. He's not ready to commit. You said not many people know you're together. Not sure the reason for that, but that's also a red flag. He very well may be waiting to see if his ex comes back around. He might even have let you meet his parents hoping it would get back to her he has a girlfriend just trying to make her jealous. He may just simply have commitment phobia and may be thinking if he was going to commit to anyone, it would be his ex and not you. You probably need to give him a timeline that allows you plenty of youth left to find another husband if he doesn't work out. Do not let him take your best years if he's just not the committed type. 1
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 To him, that step means some degree of commitment. He's not ready to commit. You said not many people know you're together. Not sure the reason for that, but that's also a red flag. He very well may be waiting to see if his ex comes back around. He might even have let you meet his parents hoping it would get back to her he has a girlfriend just trying to make her jealous. He may just simply have commitment phobia and may be thinking if he was going to commit to anyone, it would be his ex and not you. You probably need to give him a timeline that allows you plenty of youth left to find another husband if he doesn't work out. Do not let him take your best years if he's just not the committed type. The reason no one knows about us is (on my side, because I don't like people knowing who I'm with unless it's serious.. it's too much drama and nosy people for me)... for him (his friends all know...) when I say other people I mean the people we know of mutually, but are not that important. As far as the EX goes, she has no knowledge of me, because he was with her for 8 years and does not want to hurt her feelings. I have demanded many times and told him that if he wants her to be with her and leave me alone. He claims they're over, but because they were supposed to marry he doesn't want to hurt her feelings. (As far as the GF goes, apparently she is seeing someone new too, but won't admit it..) I told him that 2 years is more than ENOUGH ... he went silent on me and didn't speak to me in 24 hours. I messaged him and told him "I don't expect you to be together, after this, we can break up civil".. and he messaged me saying "He felt pushed ..." So I'm thinking maybe it's not the EX.. he is a commitment phobe.. cause he wouldn't give her a ring after 8 years... But I get confused because I don't know how to handle it and I like this guy a lot... I don't want to pressure him.. pressuring him is just going to push him further... So I was wondering if there are people in similar situations to recommend what to do... If someone after 8 years couldn't get him to propose(BTW her parents never met him either, just her siblings)... me after 2 years is not going to by demanding.... patience... but can that work?
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 How complicated would it be to meet your family? If it requires somebody to get on a plane, don't spring it on him. If every body is local or they are going to be here anyway, after 2 years I think you can press the issue. I pressed the issue but he said he felt pressured ... so I backed off ... pressuring is not the answer... I just don't know what to do anymore or if I should move on ... or stay He get's very jealous though which I cannot understand why... and how much of that is healthy... he says he will break up with me if a guy does this or that... which makes no sense... I don't pursue anyone or lead anyone on... I'm generally attractive... and mature... and guys like that.. but I keep my distance as I consider myself in a relationship... things would be easier if we could tell people... then most guys would back off.. he seems to think that like I will allow another guy to pursue me or something.. I'm very faithful I should be the one with trust issues... and I have, but I am more reasonable... I'm not sure if his is healthy?
ExpatInItaly Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 Why are you wasting your time with this guy? He doesn't see a future with you if he's so resistant to meeting your family after 2 years. And he's not telling his ex about you because he wants to keep that door open. I think there's a lot more going on there than you realize. You should be asking yourself why you're tolerating that. Particularly in the case of his ex. He's openly prioritizing her feelings over yours. That should be all you need to know. She's got a bigger place in his heart, girl. 2
preraph Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I feel it's a waste of time because even if he does decide he must commit, due to societal pressure, parental pressure, your pressure, it will not be sincere. He obviously is only sincere about one thing, and that is that he is not ready to commit and you're right, eight years, and nothin and yet he is treating her with kid gloves -- big problem.
mortensorchid Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I don't see one positive quality about him that you just listed. You have been with him for two YEARS and he hasn't met your family yet?!?! He gets jealous if he sees other men nearby you? What does he do for you that no one else does? He wants to keep things as casual as possible or on his terms and doesn't think he has to apologize to anyone or anything for his behaviors. Talk about selfish and cowardly! Don't waste any more time with him than you already have. DUMP HIM.
Diezel Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 I sometimes think that the reason he doesn't want to move further and tell my parents is cause of his EX... but they broke up because he wouldn't propose... so my assumption is he has commitment issues & trust issues ... Um, what made you think you'd be so different? Was that not a big enough red flag?
mammasita Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 He doesn't want to make his ex jealous by letting her know hes seeing someone? I would have run 23 1/2 months ago 2
BluEyeL Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Honestly, I also don't tell my ex about my boyfriend, because I'm afraid he'd try to sabotage my relationship.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 25, 2014 Posted November 25, 2014 Honestly, I also don't tell my ex about my boyfriend, because I'm afraid he'd try to sabotage my relationship. Are you in contact with your ex?
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 We had a weird relationship from the beginning. It wasn't normal... I didn't want to be with him.. I ended up falling for him ... he ended up developing feelings too. He swears they are JUST friends... but I'm confused. He deleted her on facebook but he became friends with her again... I don't know ... I don't know if I'm right or wrong. He told me to stop asking about her.. & that there is nothing going on.... he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings as he was to be her future husband.... I understand in one way. I try to place myself in her shoes... it is heart breaking to find out if someone you were supposed to marry is with someone else... but to an extent (I can't be hidden forever).. I am not well experienced in relationships either... I do not know how to approach without seeming needy/ insecure... I feel like I should be more confident, trust, but I don't know how to approach it. I feel suffocated at times... truth is I dont like people knowing my situations/ who I am dating. I am a private person. In general I do not feel ready to announce to the world we're dating.... It's less drama for me... the reason I have become more dependent on wanting to publicize it , is because I'm scared he is hiding stuff from me... On the other hand I've had guys say they will marry me, and gave up on 2nd dates... the truth is with this one he is honest up front.. he's not ready and wants time... it's clear.. he's not promising a future he doesn't know if he can give me... it's hard finding a good guy to commit these days.. and I'm lost & hurt because I love him... and that's why I am still here... because part of me believes him , the other doesnt... and my friends aren't mature enough to have a conversation with...
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 I feel it's a waste of time because even if he does decide he must commit, due to societal pressure, parental pressure, your pressure, it will not be sincere. He obviously is only sincere about one thing, and that is that he is not ready to commit and you're right, eight years, and nothin and yet he is treating her with kid gloves -- big problem. That is why I do not want to pressure him. Truth is I want things to develop normally, even if it's slow. I am scared of commitment in general. I am scared because I don't trust people in general. He is being honest. That matters to me a lot.... I'm just scared of falling into a lie again... and this relationship is a risk... I'm trying to just breathe and have fun... but it's hard when his ex is still friends with him... somehow I can't put it behind me.. and I don't know if it's my mind creating problems for no reasons... or if my intuition is right.... I really like this guy.. I DO NOT EXPECT MARRIAGE... I don't like forcing things... but I want normal.. I hate all this stress I have... he even tells me himself I'm doing bad to myself for no reason...
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 I don't see one positive quality about him that you just listed. You have been with him for two YEARS and he hasn't met your family yet?!?! He gets jealous if he sees other men nearby you? What does he do for you that no one else does? He wants to keep things as casual as possible or on his terms and doesn't think he has to apologize to anyone or anything for his behaviors. Talk about selfish and cowardly! Don't waste any more time with him than you already have. DUMP HIM. Positive traits are - he is upfront and honest. Never lies or hides things... so even though he talks to his EX if I ask him to see the convo he will show it... He has even tried to show me.. I avoided it because I am not snoopy. He does care about me ... he always calls every morning... and makes sure I get home safe... he is there for me at my worst ... and pushes me to do the right thing when I don't want to... he always pays... his family knows... only mine doesn't. but his EX's family didn't either.... He is a coward in the position that he is scared to commit. I don't plan on wasting much more time. I plan on giving it a chance with NO PRESSURE. Because I've learned in the past that if you pressure someone it just pushes them away.
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 Um, what made you think you'd be so different? Was that not a big enough red flag? It was.. we had a complicated situation... we ended up developing feelings... I'm not asking him to marry me... I'm not ready and I am scared of commitment... I only want normal... to see where things go... On the other hand? If he really loved his EX and she is the "love" of his life... wouldn't he have proposed after 7 years? Even after a year of being undecided you say no cause you're not ready? I feel like if it's meant to be and this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with... you would do anything. TO me distance is an excuse. So maybe they weren't meant to be either.
Author Ariel2006 Posted November 29, 2014 Author Posted November 29, 2014 He doesn't want to make his ex jealous by letting her know hes seeing someone? I would have run 23 1/2 months ago The point is not to make her jealous... we are not in high school... the point is for him to be mature enough to tell someone he was once with I am seeing someone new.
zebracolors Posted November 29, 2014 Posted November 29, 2014 I sometimes think that the reason he doesn't want to move further and tell my parents is cause of his EX... but they broke up because he wouldn't propose... so my assumption is he has commitment issues & trust issues ... But how do I manage this? Without pressuring... . So if it's a commitment thing that he is hesitant of, why was he okay with revealing this to his own family? I guess I'm not understanding what his past relationship has to do with your parents. Honestly that's something that I would not tolerate, and refuse to be anyone's "secret". I must respectfully observe, you say you love him but I really think your gut instinct is trying to tell you something. I'm going to echo the others who say the opinion of his EX about his current relationship should not matter.
curlygirl40 Posted November 30, 2014 Posted November 30, 2014 I would let this guy go. IMO there is NO WAY this will ever turn into what you want, which is a normal relationship. He either has commitment issues (as you've suggested) or you're not the girl for him. Or both. Either scenario is not good for you. You gave the guy 2 years and he's still not ready. Do you want to give him 8 years like the other girl did and still find he hasn't worked through these issues? You deserve better. 2 years is enough time. You've been patient, you can't fix him. Let him go and go find yourself another guy who really wants to be with you and will meet your parents and be out in the open with you. Good luck! 4
Author Ariel2006 Posted December 2, 2014 Author Posted December 2, 2014 I've tried keeping it low until I figure out what this is. But I kind of snooped (I know I was wrong), and found a note from his EX wishing him a happy birthday in advance, wishing she could be near him and that she loves him a lot. He claims it's nothing, yes she loves him, but if he wanted to hide things it wouldn't have been in a spot for me to be able to snoop... I'm going insane.. he says he is slowing moving on. WTH do I believe. I do not know how to walk away. Im so hurt by everything. I do not know how to stand on my feet right now. Sadly I am in love with someone who does not deserve me.
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