beauty4ashes Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 Hi everyone. Straight away I will tell you I am in a lot of pain and that makes me very sensitive at this time. Please be gentle in your replies... My guy and I were together for 2 years and 3 months. He moved in with me pretty fast and lived with me for a year. During that year I was more of the problem. He was the first guy I was with since I divorced my ex-husband a few years prior, and you could say I had baggage and major trust issues. I harped on my guy a lot and withheld love at times..we fought a lot..eventually, at the end of that year, he couldn't take it anymore and he broke up with me and moved out. It was a very tearful goodbye..said he loved me a lot but we had too many problems that left him hurt and vulnerable and he feels he has to go straighten up his life. I found out he jumped head first into a relationship with a girl he had known as an acquaintance for many years. She was still living with her kids father while dating my guy, but supposedly her and her kids father weren't a couple anymore(*eye roll*). Her kids father was cheating and treated her like crap and so it's obvious that her and my guy leaned on each other. But her lifestyle was also kind of wild, always taking him to parties, and all of a sudden he was drinking heavily. He told his cousin he felt a connection with her but that she has issues and doesn't like her lifestyle. I stood in complete NC with him for 2 months while he was with her, but throughout that whole time he would message and email me every few days. I just wouldn't reply...but eventually right after valentines day of this year, I felt I was in a better space emotionally and messaged him and from that moment a reconciliation began..but that's when the real underlying issues began to surface. From Feb to April he was in an ultimate state of confusion and flip flopped all over the place. He didn't know who to be with and he was deathly afraid of getting back with me because he wasn't sure I'd changed. In April he cut her off and we took it slow...dating and stuff, but the emotions and love for each other was grand and all we could ever do was express it to each other. He said he couldn't bring himself to move back in though because we needed time to heal and him work in himself. From that point our relationship became the best it had ever been. He stood at my house 85% of the time and I finally trusted him and even though we had things to get over, it was beautiful. Eventually he said he would move back in in September. The time finally came and BOOM..the confusion began all over again. He couldn't do it and didn't know why. We tried to talk in through for a few weeks but I began to guard up my heart and he felt it, which in turn reinforced his fears. I even broke up with him because I said I couldn't go through his phase of confusion again. He blew up my phone for a couple of days and pleaded for me back. I had begun talking to another guy(nothing serious, just talk) and I guess my guy sensed it because he asked and I was truthful. That caused him to say he's moving in with me on that very weekend. I got back with him and sure enough, BOOM again. He was crying all over the place saying he couldn't understand why he was so scared and couldn't bring himself to move back in but that he also didn't want to lose me. He ended up reading "He's Scared, She's Scared", the popular commitment phobe book and he completely identified with it. He ended up realizing he needed professional help and he wrote me the longest email ever opening up about embarrassing things from childhood till now..things that he feels left him with low self-esteem and feeling like no one could ever really love him and he said it scared him to death to love someone as much as he loves me and that after I had hurt him before, it's hard for him to do this now. I ended up staying with him because this was a break thru. He kept reading material and was waiting for insurance to start therapy. Our relationship continued beautifully again. I could have never foreseen what was about to come... One week ago I found out he was cheating. At 5 in the morning I called that same girl he had been with when we had broken up last year, and he was right there with her. She simply turned to him and said "it's your girl". Then she told me never to call her again and hung up. The utter shock was indescribable. I went into NC right then and there. All of last week he was blowing up my phone and begging for a talk..apologizing, etc. He had the key to my place and said he wasn't going to lose me and he would do whatever it takes to make this right. Btw, I have a daughter from my former marriage and my guy has totally fathered her and so he kept saying we are his family and he's gonna fight for us and that he can't lose us. He eventually showed up to my house on Saturday morning. I had his things packed and told him to take them and go but he begged and pleaded for me to hear what he had to say. He explained that he had contacted her in his confusion and fear a couple of months back(so I believe it was september when he first found he couldn't bring himself to move in and I broke up with him and intensified his fear by talking to another guy). She now got her own place and he would see her from time to time(hard to believe when he was at my house 5-6 days a week) and said he felt no connection with her and he didn't even know what he was doing. He said he couldn't even perform with her many times to which she would cry and feel inadequate. He told me he told her he can't deal with her anymore and that he's in love with me and then he used my phone to call her, put her on speaker, and made her confirm this. All of Saturday we spent talking about everything and he said he would do whatever it takes to get help and to work things out. He said he wasn't looking for us to get right back together but that he wanted me to know this. But we did end up getting back together and he slept over on the terms that I would go with him to get his things the following morning and him move in. Well you know morning came and another BOOM happened. He was an emotional mess..full of such fear and said this was why he didn't wanna jump back into being together because he needs help first and if he moved in now things would be very bad for us especially since now I can't trust him. I flipped and kicked him out. I told him there would never be a chance for us again and he pleaded for it not to be this way. He also begged not to take my daughter away from him and I told him I couldn't and my daughter herself is very attached and calls him dad so I couldn't do it to her either. She's also dealing with a lot of emotional pain from her inconsistent father and she expressed she doesn't want to lose this guy either. I told him if she texts him from her ipod and wants to talk or see him then that's between them but I couldn't deal with him myself. My daughter is 9, btw. So now here I am. I forced him out while he was in tears yesterday. He said he just wanted to get the help first but I told him I doubted he would and that I know he is going to go be with that girl and therefore I am moving on and there is no chance for us again and to never contact me again. I know it's only been a day but I haven't heard from him and I feel like even if he is getting help, he gave up on me because of what I said. Ive never NOT heard from him, even when we broke up last year for 2 months. All I keep thinking about is how he was stressing to me how in love with me he is and that he just wants help first and that all I could think was "MOVE IN NOW OR NEVER". Of course he messed up, he cheated and I'm not excusing it. I just wanna see how serious he is and he's already so fearful that what I said to him might make him really give up. I have always been confident that he really is in love with me, but now not hearing from him makes me question it. My daughter texted him last night and told him she missed him and put a little crying face in it. He texted her back and said he missed her a lot too and loves her, that he will message her again tomorrow(meaning today) to see how school went and that she should ask me if he can take her out soon. I'm happy he loves her that much and I know he's not using her to get to me, but I wonder if he is on the other side of this planning to seek help and hoping that I will see his progress and want to give him another chance one day. I don't really have any questions but if I could maybe get some insight anyone can offer, I'd appreciate it. Like I said, I am much too sensitive and I already know all the men bashing protests and "HE CHEATED F**K HIM" remarks. Please, no messages like that. I'd especially like to hear from a commitment phobe. Thank you.
Zahara Posted November 24, 2014 Posted November 24, 2014 Put the "commitment phobe" label aside for awhile. We often tend to put labels on behavior because it helps justify and it help lessen the blow. Having been with men like him, chances are they can't/won't even commit to change. Yes, they will cry, express fear, want to change, feel confused but at the end of the day the ability to "commit" to change and long term therapy is shortlived. Regardless of being a commitment phobe, it doesn't give someone a free pass to cheat and you have allowed him to use "commitment phobia" as a free pass to cheat on you. That in itself is a reason for you to step away and move on from this man. As for your daughter, regardless of whether he fathered her, it would be best for you to remove him from her because this coming and going and coming and going is only going to confuse her and instill feelings on abandonment.
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