Girlfriend of 2.5 years broke up with me, is there any hope, GIGS? Hlp Smokey bear!!

[AnOldshoe]

I am in struggle town today and I thought I would write down a post about what has happened in the last 11 weeks (not that I am counting) since the breakup with the woman who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with : (

 

We met at university I was 23 and she was 22. We instantly bonded, none of this waiting around we were instant best friends, same goofy sense of humour, loved the same tv shows, basically almost the same person. I was the pursuer and she was the distancer. I was living on campus and she was living at home with her mum. I found out early on in the relationship that she hadn’t had a very happy home life growing up, her dad drunk a lot and got into a lot of arguments with her mum. Her dad ended up cheating on her mum 2 times and the second time her mum ended up leaving and apparently this is when I popped up into the picture. She said I was the sweetest guy she had ever met, all her friends loved me and she was always telling me how much better from her friends boyfriends I was because of the way I treated her and the way we got along so well. She was always commenting how we could chat for hours compared to other couples in restaurants that would just sit there is silence. I have only been in one other long term relationship for 2 years and that ended because of GIGS where she ended up going out with this dodgy bloke who smoked and was a d-bag (that relationship has since dissolved and I did hear back from her but this was 2 years later). I found out that I was my current girlfriends first long term boyfriend, I told her that I was not happy with this as I was burnt by my last girlfriend from the lack of experience in the dating world …… but I guess I was blinded by how amazing she was. She told me that she doesn’t know why my first girlfriend left and she said she was crazy

 

When we finished university she ended up getting a job which she hated and ended up quitting, she got another job about 3 hours from her home and she ended up renting a place down that way. I said I would love to come and live with her (which meant catching a ferry and having 2 cars and spending 4 hours travelling) but it was worth it. We had to do it in secret because her mum was very strict about living together before getting married.

 

Those 6 months were the happiest time of my life. Waking up next to her, cooking dinner and all the crazy stories and adventures we had together were amazing. I ended up getting sick of the travel after 6 months and got a job closer to our house.

 

She was under a lot of pressure from her boss and she wasn’t enjoying work, she ended up quitting and moving back with her mum and I went back with my parents. This was because she couldn’t justify to her mum staying in the house we were renting without letting her mum know we were living together, not because she didn’t like living with me.

 

I went to visit her most weekends and she would occasionally come down to my place. I showed her the card my ex gave me for my birthday and it had “whatever happens I wish you all the best” she said I was an idiot for not reading between the lines that she was going to dump me and she even jokingly put that line in the birthday card this year (2014) which we both laughed at. She started a new job and her new boss started giving her a lot of trouble, she would come home crying sometimes. She ended up quitting that job like the last two and now she is just working part time at the moment.

 

So roughly at the end of July she said she was having thoughts about the relationship and that she was concerned that we weren’t right for each other, that she didn’t think she deserved me and that she has never really felt she could love someone. I drove to her house to comfort her where basically she apologised and said she knew I was amazing it was just her f…..ed up head. I told her she should go see someone professionally to deal with these issues and she did (I even offered to go with her but she said that was ok). For the next month or so she started to become distant, didn’t want to come down to mine, go out, wanted to hang out with her own friends etc. I asked her what was wrong she said she was thinking about some things and would let me know. I had just got her an engagement ring and was going to propose soon.

 

So next week was her birthday, I bought her a box set and a passport for myself because she always complained that I didn’t want to travel and I had organised a trip for Christmas to Singapore (she didn’t know about this), It was going to be great. When she came back from the job she hated I had filled the house with balloons and bought her favourite cake. The next day was the day before her birthday, she was in an especially foul mood that morning and once again I questioned her about what was wrong and if there was anything I could do.

 

This is when it happened, she said she didn’t see a future with me anymore and that she thinks we should have a break, she said she’s been having doubts for a while and struggling to be happy all the time (very highs and very lows). She was insistent that this was not a breakup and that she just has some things to deal with. I told her that I didn’t understand but would leave her be, the next 3 days I basically was just lying in the foetal position I think because I knew what was going to happen

 

September the 8th is when it happened – I get a message saying I don’t think this is going to work out, I called her in tears not understanding what had happened, pleading for her to trial therapy or give us another shot. She was insistent, almost as though a switch had flicked in her head. So two days of trying to get her back ended when I told myself I was better than that and have been in no contact since September the 10th

 

Actually tell a lie, so we both had to attend a conference together (same profession), it was 9 hours away from where we live, we organised it together and we were going to road trip it up. I was tempted to not go just because the thought of seeing made my stomach hurt. I decided to go and show my ex that I was over her (or least give the appearance that I was) new haircut been going to the gym every day with a personal trainer and new outfit. I drove and spent the night. Driving to the conference I saw a girl on the side of the road struggling with her suitcase 20 minutes walk from the venue…. When I got closer I realised it was my ex!!!!!!! I pulled up to the lights they were red and tooted, I think she was just as shocked to see me as I was to see her. I couldn’t just leave her struggling with her suitcase. Nothing happened at the conference, she sat on one side I sat on the other. I offered to take her and a few colleagues to the airport, I was tossing up whether to do a goodbye speech but I went for the more self-respecting option and just said goodbye.

 

I was doing ok for the first couple of months, I still think about her all the time but its getting a little easier everyday. I’ve recently started going on a few dates, however these have been terrible and it seems that after I realise that this new person is terrible I end up back at square one thinking even more about my ex. So I have decided to take some time off from the dating scene and try to learn to be happy on my own first.

 

I have sort of been addicted to LS and enotalone, reading the stories of others who have been through similar heartache, sometimes I wonder what I am doing - trying to come up with a game plan, trying to justify that maybe my ex might be going through GIGS or midtwentiesitis or that I am slowly moving on. These have helped what’s the old saying misery loves company. For all the people here on LS that fire up and say that “GIGS and other such terms just give the dumpee false hope” I think without stories and some false hope I would have gone insane so thanks Homebrew among others for keeping me sane (moderately).

 

I need some help please, either stories of similar experiences or advice as to what to do from someone who’s been in a similar situation. I really do hope that she has a change of mind somewhere down the road. I know I cannot hold onto this because I know she probably won’t come back.

 

Thanks in advance

 

A heartbroken shoe

[preraph]

Sorry to hear of your situation. I know it's a kick in the gut. Three things stand out. One is that she seemed happy and all seemed well and good until it fell apart, and I guess that means she was bottling things up, is afraid of conflict, and crap at communication. Two is that you are both very young and they say the adult brain is not even fully formed until around mid-twenties. In younger ages, you see people outgrowing each other for a wide variety of reasons. It's rare for people your age not to grow in different directions mentally, emotionally, and in just going your different ways to follow your path in life. So it's kind of to be expected. And three, of course, we have only your side of the story to consider, but it sounds like you basically did things right and weren't what made this tire go off the wheel. Sounds like she's got some internal work to do so she can be open and withstand honest communication.

 

You must focus on other activities and being social with friends and keep yourself busy to keep from focusing on this and getting mired in it. Yes, you must move on. I'm afraid she either changed or it simply took that long for her to drop the "best behavior" facade we have when we're trying to impress. Yes, it's possible she simply decided she wanted to see what else is out there. Your 20s are exactly for that. Please realize that the more people you get to know, they more your perspective changes. It's like when I was looking for a house to buy. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought quite a few houses might be okay. But then when I would think of all the details, none of them seemed right and I actually got tired of looking after a point and quit for a year. Then I worked for a homebuilder part-time and saw all kinds of new things I'd never even considered and it took a long time to get past the glitz of that and decide what was really practical or right for me. The more homes I saw, what I wanted changed and refined. When I finally walked into my old house, I knew it was mine almost immediately though. But I had to take that time and that journey to know what I really wanted, what was right for me.

 

Don't let this interrupt your journey. Treat yourself well. Pamper yourself some. Try to limit the amount of time you let yourself think about the situation. Stay busy, find new activities, take advantage of friends to socialize, and this heartbreak will gradually be crowded out with new experiences and new memories. Good luck