Do you stop accepting favors if you can't return the favor?

[Darren2013]

What I mean is let's say you have a friend or coworker or aquantience who is helpful to you on a regular basis. They take the initiative to run errands for you or take a look at your car and fix certain problems or they share their snacks or whatever favors they offer to do. Then you try to return the favor in some way like buying them a burger or offer them a snack or drink but they always decline. Do you stop accepting their favors then? If so at what point?

 

I ask this because I look back on past interactions with my crush at work. I remember many times I did favors for her and I mentioned what some of those favors are. Basically I think I was not too far off from the label of a work boyfriend. But I also remember times when she would try to return the favors not necessarily tit for tat but most people naturally are more inclined to do nice things for you after you have a good track record of doing nice things for them.

 

Like there was one time in 2013 she bought me a burger and I said no thanks. After that she never offered to get me a burger ever again. I only liked her as a friend at that time. Then there were other times she would offer me a ride back to work after running into me at that gas station. I declined then. I think I have declined all her efforts to return favors both before and after developing feelings for her.

 

I didn't think about it that much but looking back on it I probably did the right thing. Because this helps cover my tracts even further in my efforts to conceal my true feelings for her. By declining her efforts to return favors she won't catch on to the fact that I like her.

 

However I also noticed that at some point she stopped letting me do favors. Even if she knows I am on the way next door to get food she won't let me get food for her anymore and hasn't in a long time. I haven't offered to take a look at her engine in her car in awhile. I don't know if she would still take me up on her offer but next time she has an issue with her car I will still offer and see what happens.

 

I don't have a problem doing favors for her. I used to do it for years and I always felt good to go out of my way to make her life at work more convenient. I just don't let her do the same for me. Whenever she asks me if I want a burger or a snack I say no thank you even if I am hungry.

 

But she isn't the only one I do that with. I did that with another coworker last week who offered me some of his fried chicken. It smelled good and looked good but I told him no thank you pretending I did not want any. But I did ask him questions on where he got that chicken from because my plan was to wait until after work was over to go get some. Which I did.

 

So at what point would you stop accepting favors from someone like me if you were not successful in your attempts to return favors?

[eye of the storm]

I don't know why I'm going to respond because you won't agree but here goes.

 

Unless someone is a leech, most people like to feel like they are contributing members in a relationship. That includes co-workers, friends, team-mates, and people who are dating/married.

 

Now there are leeches who love to get and never give. Most people don't like leeches and eventually stop giving/doing favors for them.

 

Just looking at what you post, it looks like she was trying to be friends and return some of the favors. Because you never let her, she might have felt like a leech and in order to not feel that way, she probably stopped letting you do things for her.

 

If a person at work was always giving/doing for me and I never got to give back, I would eventually get very uncomfortable in how unequal the situation was. I worked with an Aspie girl, she was always trying to give me things because she wanted to be friends so badly. I finally told her we were going for coffee. I told her that she was nice and I already liked her for a friend. But I did not like her trying to give me things all the time because I couldn't return the gifts and they made me uncomfortable, it made me feel like a leech. I told her I just enjoyed her company and unique way of looking at life. We are still friends even though we don't work together anymore.

 

As far as your crush goes, it looks like it was a friendship for many years before you focused your sexual feelings on her then you punished her by pushing her away. Her behavior and your relationship was just fine with you until your feelings changed. Then instead of dealing with them in a mature honest way, you pushed her away and hid under the bed. You claim you don't like how you were the work boyfriend but you never allowed the relationship to move past that.

 

You never let her return any favors because that would remove some of the control from your grasp and God forbid that happen. You refused to eat the chicken because then that person would have something over you. Shiver.

 

It is not just with women you do these behaviors with. You do them with everyone. Why are you so afraid to open yourself up and have an honest give-and-take relationship with anyone?

[Gloria25]

I have a gf like this and unfortunately, I won't tell her certain things and/or avoid going out with her.

 

She always likes to treat and/or pay. I don't want her to. She'll say something like 'well, it's the least I can do cuz you drove up here'. No, I drove to come and see you cuz I enjoy spending time with you, so no need to pay for my meal, drinks or whatever when we go out. She makes me uncomfortable.

 

I reciprocate with buying her gifts and stuff, but I'm on a budget and can't do that like I used to, so now I don't go out with her as much as I enjoy her company, if she pays, then I'll want to reciprocate and right now I can't afford it.

 

But, as much as I hate what she does - I do the same thing to family and other friends. Last time I went home, I spent a lot of money taking everyone out to eat, buying groceries, etc. I even gave people cash and I was like "shut up, take it". Well, one of my family members was arguing with me cuz they wanna buy me a plane ticket and I don't want them to. I'm on a budget right now, but I don't wan no one paying for me.

 

Gosh, we also got into a fight cuz they told me don't send any money for the accident a relative had and I still sent money.

 

So yea, it's hard to accept things from people when they don't allow you to reciprocate - but I still do it to others. I always wanna give and don't want anyone to give back to me...But, I hate it when people won't let me reciprocate

[todreaminblue]

i Love to shout people....especially family, friends and lovers....not because i want control because i love to do it......i know how it has felt for me when i havent had enough money and someone offers to buy me a drink or a sandwich .....made me feel really special...maybe thats sad.....with dates though i do prefer to buy my own until i know them.....

 

 

but i like it when i can shout.....i dont have many close friends ...i prefer it that way so i can focus on them.......the ones i do.....i shout when i can.....makes me feel like i have given them a present..same with lovers i have had i would always buy little gifts....something they love wouldnt cost em much ....but a lot of thought when into me choosing the gift....its how i show i care.....................not for control....because i love them...i do find it difficult to accept back....but i do accept.....and mightnt show it......but it does make me feel appreciated and loved.....and that can be a fifty cent cone from maccas.....i am not materialistic......i actually miss buying gifts for a lover......finding out what they love and surprising them...brings me joy....so i shout friends more often to counter balance the missing thing...and i dont find myself strange for doing so...............deb

[Darren2013]

I don't know why I'm going to respond because you won't agree but here goes.

 

Unless someone is a leech, most people like to feel like they are contributing members in a relationship. That includes co-workers, friends, team-mates, and people who are dating/married.

 

Now there are leeches who love to get and never give. Most people don't like leeches and eventually stop giving/doing favors for them.

 

Just looking at what you post, it looks like she was trying to be friends and return some of the favors. Because you never let her, she might have felt like a leech and in order to not feel that way, she probably stopped letting you do things for her.

 

If a person at work was always giving/doing for me and I never got to give back, I would eventually get very uncomfortable in how unequal the situation was. I worked with an Aspie girl, she was always trying to give me things because she wanted to be friends so badly. I finally told her we were going for coffee. I told her that she was nice and I already liked her for a friend. But I did not like her trying to give me things all the time because I couldn't return the gifts and they made me uncomfortable, it made me feel like a leech. I told her I just enjoyed her company and unique way of looking at life. We are still friends even though we don't work together anymore.

 

As far as your crush goes, it looks like it was a friendship for many years before you focused your sexual feelings on her then you punished her by pushing her away. Her behavior and your relationship was just fine with you until your feelings changed. Then instead of dealing with them in a mature honest way, you pushed her away and hid under the bed. You claim you don't like how you were the work boyfriend but you never allowed the relationship to move past that.

 

You never let her return any favors because that would remove some of the control from your grasp and God forbid that happen. You refused to eat the chicken because then that person would have something over you. Shiver.

 

It is not just with women you do these behaviors with. You do them with everyone. Why are you so afraid to open yourself up and have an honest give-and-take relationship with anyone?

 

 

 

I don't think it's really about control with me. It's more about a need to feel good internally for making someone else's life more comfortable and convenient. Again I don't just do that with my crush. I do that with other coworkers and friends. And yes I'm the type of person when I get into an argument with friends of mine I try to make up for where I realize I was wrong by taking them out to dinner at their favorite place or buying them a beer.

 

If I go a long time where I don't feel like I'm doing something to make someone else's life easier whether through big things or small things then I'm wasting my life on this earth and that my life is expendable. Meaning that it really doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not. That's a self expectation. People have their own self expectations that they must fulfill or they won't feel fulfilled.

 

Like earlier this week I took it upon myself to help my crush again carry some heavy boxes. She didn't even thank me maybe because she's still pissed off about the wings episode from the other night. Who knows? I didn't even care that she didn't thank me. And you know what I intend to help her again when I see she needs it. It's not even part of my job description the things I was helping her with but I do it. If she still doesn't thank me it doesn't matter. I'm not doing it to get a thank you in return.

[Gloria25]

I don't think it's really about control with me. It's more about a need to feel good internally for making someone else's life more comfortable and convenient. Again I don't just do that with my crush. I do that with other coworkers and friends. And yes I'm the type of person when I get into an argument with friends of mine I try to make up for where I realize I was wrong by taking them out to dinner at their favorite place or buying them a beer.

 

If I go a long time where I don't feel like I'm doing something to make someone else's life easier whether through big things or small things then I'm wasting my life on this earth and that my life is expendable. Meaning that it really doesn't matter whether I'm alive or not. That's a self expectation. People have their own self expectations that they must fulfill or they won't feel fulfilled.

 

Like earlier this week I took it upon myself to help my crush again carry some heavy boxes. She didn't even thank me maybe because she's still pissed off about the wings episode from the other night. Who knows? I didn't even care that she didn't thank me. And you know what I intend to help her again when I see she needs it. It's not even part of my job description the things I was helping her with but I do it. If she still doesn't thank me it doesn't matter. I'm not doing it to get a thank you in return.

 

Well, ever consider your "hot/cold" treatment of her is why she didn't thank you and/or looked forward to you helping her with the boxes?

 

You're lucky she isn't me, cuz I'd take the boxes away from you and say "no thanks" or "thanks, but no thanks"...Why would I do that? Cuz, I'd feel like you're playing a game with me. You're being "nice" to me only to get my interest level up, so you can swat it down again.

 

I mean, even if you've done these helpful things for her in the past before the emotional back and forth between you two began, if I were her, I'd still be uneasy about "help" from you after you hurt my feelings - even "if" you were just doing it cuz that's your nature and you weren't trying to toy with my feelings.

[Darren2013]

Well, ever consider your "hot/cold" treatment of her is why she didn't thank you and/or looked forward to you helping her with the boxes?

 

You're lucky she isn't me, cuz I'd take the boxes away from you and say "no thanks" or "thanks, but no thanks"...Why would I do that? Cuz, I'd feel like you're playing a game with me. You're being "nice" to me only to get my interest level up, so you can swat it down again.

 

I mean, even if you've done these helpful things for her in the past before the emotional back and forth between you two began, if I were her, I'd still be uneasy about "help" from you after you hurt my feelings - even "if" you were just doing it cuz that's your nature and you weren't trying to toy with my feelings.

 

 

Okay fair enough.

[eye of the storm]

Darren, you state you like to do things for others because it makes you feel good inside. Have you ever considered that you don't allow others the same feeling? It bothers you when people refuse your help/offers/gifts but you never stop to think it may bother others when you refuse.

 

It is called give and take.

 

And on a side note. You often say if someone does something you don't like you just go NC because you don't see the purpose in telling them what they are doing. I will tell you the purpose of communicating.

 

My friend who is an Aspie, if I had not told her what she was doing was bothering me, if I had just gone NC, I would have lost a very dear, smart, funny, and loyal friend. She was doing what she thought I wanted, she was doing her best to be (in her mind) my friend. What I wanted and needed from her was so much less work, for me I just needed her to be her. Not an ATM.

 

Often, in relationships (any kind of relationship) we do what, in our experience, others want. We assume. If the other person doesn't tell us, doesn't communicate, how do we know? You may be doing what you think the other person wants because you want to please them and to them it is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Without communication you both go thru life assuming until one of you breaks and just runs.

 

Communication when things are tiny is best. But communication is essential for a healthy relationship.

[GemmaUK]

At the times when someone has singled me out and done a lot of favours yet won't accept one in return they come across to me that there's more interest involved than just being kind to all.

 

 

Actions speak louder than words.

I wasn't able to say anything when I wasn't interested in them in that way so all I could do was decline future favours so as not to encourage them.

[gaius]

I generally don't accept favors period, except from a select few. It puts you in debt to the person doing it and I don't like feeling in debt.

[MissBee]

Your behavior not only hides the fact that you like her but will also serve to make you seem like an ungracious and strange person.

 

You don't need to like someone to accept a burger or other nice gesture, so if someone routinely declined all my offers I'd eventually think they specifically disliked me or were just rude and weird and I'd feel uncomfortable with accepting favors from them or even relating to them.

 

Declining sometimes is fine but ALL the time...that makes you seem like you specifically dislike them or are socially awkward and strange IMO.

[Darren2013]

Your behavior not only hides the fact that you like her but will also serve to make you seem like an ungracious and strange person.

 

You don't need to like someone to accept a burger or other nice gesture, so if someone routinely declined all my offers I'd eventually think they specifically disliked me or were just rude and weird and I'd feel uncomfortable with accepting favors from them or even relating to them.

 

Declining sometimes is fine but ALL the time...that makes you seem like you specifically dislike them or are socially awkward and strange IMO.

 

It is not rude to decline with a no thank you. There's a reason to say thank you after saying no because that's being polite in acknowledging that you appreciate the offer.

 

Besides I doubt very much that my crush or any of my other coworkers would have the time to keep track of my patterns of declining offers of food. They have better things to do with their time than worry about investigating why I didn't take some of their chicken or whatever. If I am just a coworker in their eyes and nothing more then it shouldn't matter.

 

Even at special occasions and parties in the workplace I don't partake of the food. I come up with an excuse and say I just had a big lunch and I am full.

[Darren2013]

Darren, you state you like to do things for others because it makes you feel good inside. Have you ever considered that you don't allow others the same feeling? It bothers you when people refuse your help/offers/gifts but you never stop to think it may bother others when you refuse.

 

It is called give and take.

 

And on a side note. You often say if someone does something you don't like you just go NC because you don't see the purpose in telling them what they are doing. I will tell you the purpose of communicating.

 

My friend who is an Aspie, if I had not told her what she was doing was bothering me, if I had just gone NC, I would have lost a very dear, smart, funny, and loyal friend. She was doing what she thought I wanted, she was doing her best to be (in her mind) my friend. What I wanted and needed from her was so much less work, for me I just needed her to be her. Not an ATM.

 

Often, in relationships (any kind of relationship) we do what, in our experience, others want. We assume. If the other person doesn't tell us, doesn't communicate, how do we know? You may be doing what you think the other person wants because you want to please them and to them it is like fingernails on a chalkboard. Without communication you both go thru life assuming until one of you breaks and just runs.

 

Communication when things are tiny is best. But communication is essential for a healthy relationship.

 

 

Well it depends. Everyone will do some annoying things from time to time. I don't necessarily stop talking to them unless it was something I just couldn't tolerate anymore. Depending on how valuable the friendship is and if I enjoy their company 80% of the time then I just learn to tolerate the other 20%. But communicating how I feel would make it seem like I am trying to change the other person. So I don't do that.

[eye of the storm]

But communicating how I feel would make it seem like I am trying to change the other person.

 

Communicating how you feel does nothing but let the other person know your feelings.

 

"I feel ignored when you text other people when you are eating dinner with me." Is way different than "Don't text other people during dinner"

 

When you communicate your feelings, the ball is now in their court as to if they want to meet your needs, explain why they can't meet your needs, or ignore your needs.

 

Be honest, you don't want to communicate your feelings because then you would not be able to blame them for not knowing what you want. Its easier to blame them for the failure of the relationship when they never had an honest shot.