Kicking myself for breaking NC (Updated)

[andilyn1]

Very briefly, I was with my ex boyfriend for about 7-8 months. We've had quite the roller coaster ride of a relationship. I recently called him out on lies he told me, and looking back, I suspect he lied about more things long before this. He also started talking to his ex behind my back. His ex actually called me to tell me. He lied when I confronted him about it. Anyhow, I started losing trust in him, we started arguing quite a bit, and I honestly got so tired of the drama that he was bringing into my life.

 

It was very emotionally draining and was causing more stress than a relationship should. So last weekend I broke up with him. Have implemented NC since Sunday, and have stuck with it. He called numerous times the whole weekend. I never answered though. Here's my problem, and I feel really stupid about it too. I can't stop thinking about him, I can't stop thinking back on what good times we did have. And I just flat out miss him. And I still love this man. My logical side knows damn well that us getting back together would not be good.

 

It would continue to be the same drama and stress he brought from before. But omg do I hurt. How can it be that we miss something or someone so much, even when we know it's bad for us? The few people I've told this to tell me that I should be nothing but angry at him and should be thankful he isn't in my life now. I wish it were that easy. I've been through many breakups in my time, including a divorce, so why does this one hurt me so bad?

 

He was no good for me. He lied, cheated (and yes I consider talking to a woman, his ex, on multiple occasions saying he missed her as cheating) and he used me for money, etc.

 

I'm just having a rough day with it. Like reality really hit me today or something. The pain is just raw right now more than anything.

Edited November 22, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Invictus01]

He lied, cheated (and yes I consider talking to a woman, his ex, on multiple occasions saying he missed her as cheating) and he used me for money, etc.

 

Read what I quoted once again... what are you worried about again?

Edited November 22, 2014 by Invictus01

[andilyn1]

Thanks for quoting that. I needed to re-read that. That's what makes me so mad is he treated me so badly. I wasn't perfect in our relationship, but I never cheated or lied or used him that's for sure. Maybe it's the idea of him or the familiarity that I miss. Because no one in their right mind would miss a liar and cheater.

[Mondmellonw]

This sounds a little like my own story.

My ex also started talking with his ex behind my back while we were together...

The difference here is that she never told me.

I would have liked that. lol it would have helped a LOOOOT in my recovery, and hell, it was harsh... So, be happy you're no longer with him and just keep moving

[whatcanitellyou]

I think it's normal for people to look back and remember the good times, even when things were horrible. But you know you'll get more of the same, especially now that know, so if you take him back it's a green light behave exactly as he was. If you'll take him back you'll put up with it, at least that's how he'll see it.

[Cedar27]

I know it's hard, but years ago I had a similar relationship. Although in many ways it was probably more dysfunctional and I didn't really like the woman that much by the time it ended. Still, I was cheated on, lied to, manipulated and used for money. I never ended it because I was terrified of missing the feeling of familiarity. By not taking a stand against bad behavior such as mistrust and cheating, it only gives your partner more validation that you are weak. You made the right decision. Stick with it, and don't go back. Unless of course you see a complete 180. Meaning that he takes accountability for his actions, agrees to be completely honest from here on out, go to therapy, etc. Even then, proceed with caution. I've never cheated before and to be honest I don't have a lot of sympathy for people who do. It will take a tremendous amount of work to regain trust and although some people do it, there are men out there who will respect you and be honest with you from the get go. Are you that attached to familiarity?

 

When my previous relationship finally ended it took a while for me to get back to normal, but i'm so glad it's over. I eventually found someone again but unfortunately that relationship is ending too, at least we are broken up for now. So like you, I am dealing with a lot of raw pain right now as well. It's extremely hard to deal with. Life is very difficult and I wish there were easy answers and solutions for your pain, but sometimes acceptance and time is all we look to during these times.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Cedar27

[adapting]

If it makes you feel any better, I stayed with a guy who I caught in a lie for 5 years after I found out about it, because "I still loved him" and throughout the whole rest of our relationship, even though he really did try to prove he could be trusted, I just never felt I could fully trusted him again, and things were never the same.

[KatZee]

I've been through many breakups in my time, including a divorce, so why does this one hurt me so bad?

 

Because of the roller coaster nature of your relationship, that's why.

 

It was never consistent. You had good times, and then you had HORRIBLE times.

 

There was an article written about this and how people in roller coaster relationships often idealize the "good times" they did have with their partner, and found it harder to move on and detach.

 

Basically, because the bad times were pretty bad, when things WEREN'T bad you made them to be better than they actually were. So while your rational mind knows he's not a good person and you shouldn't be with him, your emotional side is thinking about how AMAZING the other half of the time was with him.

 

But if you really look back, he probably wasn't all that fantastic to begin with.

[andilyn1]

I'm so mad at myself. And ashamed. I, in a moment of pain and weakness, ended up breaking NC today. I sent him a long rambling email. And that was about 2 hours ago...and here I am, totally regretting it. I didn't say anything nasty to him. Nor did I beg him to get back with me. I just basically talked about all the potential we had, and how my love was always real, and how I never cheated on him or lied to him, like he did to me.

 

Anyway, I feel so stupid now. I knew from the second I woke up today that it was gonna be one of those days, where the good memories keep coming back to mind. Where I can't stop thinking about him. So I immediately began doing stuff around my place. Just to keep busy, so I wouldn't reach out to him.

 

But I did. And now I'm back at square one with starting over with NC again. I pride myself in the fact that I am a strong person. I'm a smart girl. But in a moment of weakness, I caved. So much for being that strong girl.

 

I know I am not the only one who has broken NC. So to those that have, how do you forgive yourself for it? I'm going NC, once again, but I feel so bad about it, because I realize it set me back. I've been beating myself up over it for the last two hours. I at least knew that I could come on here and admit it, without being judged!

[JCG]

Don't feel bad. You are not alone. What you have going for you, is the fact you recognized it may have been a foolish thing. It means you ARE a very smart girl. We all have moments of weakness. It will get easier as each day comes and goes. It will. And, actually, I wouldn't even say it was foolish. That's the wrong word. Just by recognizing that you caved, says you are already on track. I sound like a broken record here, as I've told a few ppl here about a blog I stumbled upon. But, I'm telling you, after you read some of the blog topics on the site, you will feel stronger. Go to Therulesrevisited.com. One blog is called 'cut him off' and the other is 'the important of silence after a break up'. Let me know how you feel after reading. Xo

[JCG]

*importance. (spelling error)

[andilyn1]

Thank you for making me feel better about contacting him. Definitely makes me feel less badly about doing it! I will for sure go check out that blog, I'm anxious to read the ones you mentioned.

[metaversus]

I'm so mad at myself. And ashamed. I, in a moment of pain and weakness, ended up breaking NC today. I sent him a long rambling email. And that was about 2 hours ago...and here I am, totally regretting it. I didn't say anything nasty to him. Nor did I beg him to get back with me. I just basically talked about all the potential we had, and how my love was always real, and how I never cheated on him or lied to him, like he did to me.

 

Anyway, I feel so stupid now. I knew from the second I woke up today that it was gonna be one of those days, where the good memories keep coming back to mind. Where I can't stop thinking about him. So I immediately began doing stuff around my place. Just to keep busy, so I wouldn't reach out to him.

 

But I did. And now I'm back at square one with starting over with NC again. I pride myself in the fact that I am a strong person. I'm a smart girl. But in a moment of weakness, I caved. So much for being that strong girl.

 

I know I am not the only one who has broken NC. So to those that have, how do you forgive yourself for it? I'm going NC, once again, but I feel so bad about it, because I realize it set me back. I've been beating myself up over it for the last two hours. I at least knew that I could come on here and admit it, without being judged!

 

What day were you on?

[Ducktape]

I've been NC for 15 days myself, and broke it this morning doing exactly the same thing as you. Sent her a long E-mail talking about everything I missed from the relationship. I didn't beg, and ended the email saying I was letting go, couldn't hold on to this anymore, etc etc.

 

I didn't really feel bad, it kinda empowered me in a way. I felt it gave me back control, control that was taken away from me during the break up. Spoke my mind for the last time.

 

People will say to NC and to keep it that way, but sometimes that just won't happen. The heart wants what the heart is. Just like life, you don't go from point A to point B in a straight line. Breaking NC could be part of the grieving process for you as you had unfinished thoughts to share. So don't feel bad about it, shrug it off and tomorrow will feel better

[me85]

I never really beat myself up about it because I was the one who was left and toyed with so I felt like, well, it's expected after all I went through. What really sets you back is the regret of contacting them not really contacting them…make sense?? I mean, it's your pride messing with you. So don't give yourself such a hard time. You were left without warning really (in my case anyway) so you just feel like you have to get your side out as much as possible. Whether it's a waste of time or not makes no matter. You need to say what's on your chest nevertheless. All you can do now is leave well enough alone and move on. No regrets. Don't beat yourself up. Just don't contact him anymore.

[Xidion]

I'm so mad at myself. And ashamed. I, in a moment of pain and weakness, ended up breaking NC today. I sent him a long rambling email. And that was about 2 hours ago...and here I am, totally regretting it. I didn't say anything nasty to him. Nor did I beg him to get back with me. I just basically talked about all the potential we had, and how my love was always real, and how I never cheated on him or lied to him, like he did to me.

 

Anyway, I feel so stupid now. I knew from the second I woke up today that it was gonna be one of those days, where the good memories keep coming back to mind. Where I can't stop thinking about him. So I immediately began doing stuff around my place. Just to keep busy, so I wouldn't reach out to him.

 

But I did. And now I'm back at square one with starting over with NC again. I pride myself in the fact that I am a strong person. I'm a smart girl. But in a moment of weakness, I caved. So much for being that strong girl.

 

I know I am not the only one who has broken NC. So to those that have, how do you forgive yourself for it? I'm going NC, once again, but I feel so bad about it, because I realize it set me back. I've been beating myself up over it for the last two hours. I at least knew that I could come on here and admit it, without being judged!

 

 

I broke NC yesterday. It was for a reason concerning her belongings.. but I still felt stupid for it.. because she didn't reply. Bottom line is.. don't beat yourself up over it. You're going through a rough time right now. sometimes we give in to temptation.. we are human. You will be perfectly fine.

[andilyn1]

Thank you all for making me feel better about it. What makes me most mad about it is I spent the whole day today with him in my mind. The harder I tried to not think about him, the more I thought about him. I think for me just learning acceptance right now is key. I'm learning to accept that it's ok to slip up (breaking NC) and that it is ok to miss him, love him, and be sad, and cry, but that in time it will get easier. It sure is hell for right now though

[andilyn1]

What day were you on?

 

I was on day 7. But today I'm back to day one.

[broken77]

No contact. If you get the overwhelming urge just come hang out with us

[NoLeafClover]

Thank you for making me feel better about contacting him. Definitely makes me feel less badly about doing it! I will for sure go check out that blog, I'm anxious to read the ones you mentioned.

 

Is this the same guy you had a ppo on?

[BC1980]

Thank you all for making me feel better about it. What makes me most mad about it is I spent the whole day today with him in my mind. The harder I tried to not think about him, the more I thought about him. I think for me just learning acceptance right now is key. I'm learning to accept that it's ok to slip up (breaking NC) and that it is ok to miss him, love him, and be sad, and cry, but that in time it will get easier. It sure is hell for right now though

 

It's normal to think about him right now. That will go away with time. Right now, he is very relevant to your life, so he is always in your thoughts. As the months go by and you begin a new life, thoughts of him will not be as present. I still think of my ex quite frequently, but it's not as much as before. I also don't think of him the same way. It's not that sad anymore. It's just thinking of him like a bad habit.

 

It's okay to break NC a few times, but don't go in with the mindset that it's okay to break it anytime. At some point, it's got to stop. You are only breaking NC to delay accepting that the relationship is over. That is the only think breaking NC accomplishes, so it does nothing to help. You break NC, so he will remain relevant to you even though he doesn't need to be.

[me85]

It's normal to think about him right now. That will go away with time. Right now, he is very relevant to your life, so he is always in your thoughts. As the months go by and you begin a new life, thoughts of him will not be as present. I still think of my ex quite frequently, but it's not as much as before. I also don't think of him the same way. It's not that sad anymore. It's just thinking of him like a bad habit.

 

It's okay to break NC a few times, but don't go in with the mindset that it's okay to break it anytime. At some point, it's got to stop. You are only breaking NC to delay accepting that the relationship is over. That is the only think breaking NC accomplishes, so it does nothing to help. You break NC, so he will remain relevant to you even though he doesn't need to be.

 

Yup yup yup! The thing is, it needs to be about us not them. They broke our precious hearts into a thousand little pieces. Our egos are to blame because afterwards we feel like, "love me love me…why doesn't he love me??" It's so sad for us. They are people we met, fell in love with, shared time with, then parted ways with. At some point it becomes somewhat mathematical like that.

[hopelesslystuck1]

I broke NC twice...once after 2 weeks. the other time after 3 weeks. One thing I've learned is that every time I broke NC, I reassured myself that it's a terrible thing to do. I suffered through both instances...and honestly now, I can't think of a reason why I would break it...been there, done that and got hurt badly both times. Without breaking it both times for two different reasons, I would haven't learned my lesson.

 

So my advice to you is...don't feel too bad, most of us have done it. It's part of the process; sometimes you slip...but as you go forward, you get more clarity and realize that nothing good comes out of it.

 

So back to NC!