Young Man being Lost

[Kira Onime]

Hello everyone, I am a 21 year old student in Romania, and have been in a 3 year relationship with a girl the same age as me. We broke up in the 5th of October and since then I am on a very, very devastating situation, i lost weight, 10 Kg to be more exact and I cannot focus on anything, my heart is broken and I came to the conclusion i have lost her forever even tho I love her as much as a human could love. Allow me please to tell you my story, and if you could help me, feel free to do it because at the moment I am so lost, there is a storm of emotions in me that I cannot control, anger, love, depression, hope, fear, you name it, I have it.

 

We started our relationship in 2011, we were in highschool, we enjoyed our time together, we fell in love with each other but it wasn't so deep, she was so possesive and jealous we had to break up after 1 year. I broke up with her back then, I started university and I had new people to hang out with and we talked like once or twice in 5 months. I even dated one of my ex-girfriends after a couple of months after the break-up, but it didn't work. After 5 months, in the last days of November 2012, she contacted me, to give me a birthday present (my birthday present is in December). We met, she was so beautiful that I instantly fell in love with her again, so I couldn't help myself than to ask her to restart our relationship, after I insisted for a couple of minutes, she accepted. She changed, she trusted me, we loved each other even more.

 

We loved each other so much, the next year I proposed to her, and she said "Yes", and so we were engaged. This happened in September 2013. Ever since then we talked about our life together, making plans about our future after we finished University. She always dreamt about her wedding dress and our wedding and she seemed so happy.

In 2014 it started to fall apart, we didn't live together so we met a bit rarely, once or twice a week, sometimes she spent the weekends at my home. But, for some reasons, we didn't have sexual intercourse for more than 6 months. We had ocasions to do it, but we didn't. I tried talking to her about it, she said the interaction was hurting her, I was understanding and I didn't want to bring her no pain. In August 2014 we went into a vacation together, only the 2 of us, she seemed very happy, and so was I. We restarted our sexual life together, everything was ok, we had a wonderful vacation and we even made plans for our next one, in the summer of 2015. We never stoped dreaming of our marriage and our family, and our children.

 

In september 2014, I had dissapointed my parents because I was hiding from them my University situation, I fell my first year of university twice, without them knowing it, when they found out it was a great scandal, and then, my fiancee changed. She wanted to take a break at first, she said I wasn't mature enough for her, and she couldn't wait 4 years just so I could wake up and become independent, but we talked it through, and continued.

 

It lasted until October 5th, when she was at work, she sent me a text message, telling me she wanted to breakup with me. I couldn't accept it, neither can I accept it now. She was fine, she told me she felt relieved. She even had an intention to start a relationship with a colleague of hers, from work, after couple of days from our breakup. After one or two weeks when she ignored me, we started talking again, we started to meet up again, she was giving us another chance, but it was like a break, we were not together but we spent time so we could get back together once. I was never jealous, but when she told me that she was interested in this guy, i collapsed, I couldn't accept it, the woman who once loved me, wanted to be with another man, in less than 5 days after our breakup. So we were talking, and meeting, we were fine, i guess, she told me back then that it was just a phase with this guy, she was just attracted to him because of his looks and because he seemed so mature (reason she broke up with me was because i was not mature). She even told me she wanted to experience something else, to be with other men. I told her that if she was to start a relationship with another man, I would never accept it and I could never get back together with her anymore.

 

After a while I had a breakdown, I was so angry with her about this "phase", I felt so cheated, so I made a big scene out of it, acused her and then she told me it is over for good, she hoped for us to get back together but now she doesn't want to anymore. I was desperate, I wanted her back so quickly, but she didn't give me any attention, she seemed so fine without me. I was showering her with all my feelings and everything, she was untouchable. She refused to see me, and barely talked to me, she was so cold. She never wanted to share with me her feelings, but she told me about how she talks to other men, she said she doesn't want anyone, but she enjoyed the attention she got from them, probably because I didn't give her enough attention while we were together. She told me she would rather be single than giving me another chance. Time has passed, we didn't talk much, we didn't meet. And then it happened, I wanted to go in the evening at her house, to check on her, and talk to her, she ignored me for 6 hours, didn't answer my calls, my texts, anything. Until at midnight, she told me she was with a man, I was devastated. She refused to see me that evening, but she accepted to see him.

 

This week, I sent her a gift, since in 29 November we would've had 2 years since we got back together, I sent her as a gift, a book (we saw a movie together which was inspired from that book, we loved the movie, and she likes books) and a photo album with pictures of us from our time spent together, everything rapped up as a present. I sticked a letter on the present, where I asked her only to open the present if she loves me, and if she is missing me, those were the conditions. If she wouldn't have respected the conditions she had to throw away the present, since it had no value if there were no feelings for me. I told her that I will never ask anything about that present, so I would've never known if she loved me or not, it was all about her being honest to herself. She opened the present, and she posted a quote from the book on her facebook, just so I could see she opened it, she told me she did it on purpose, and that she cried when she saw the content of the present and she told me it was the most beautiful present I have ever gave to her.

 

Yesterday, I found out that she opened the present without caring about my conditions, and posted the quote on facebook just to let me know she opened it, because she didn't want me to believe she never opened it. She didn't open it because she loved me, even tho she said she can't stop loving me after just one month of being apart.

Anyways, we talked alot, and I found out that she likes another man, the man who was at her house the day I wanted to go there myself, the man who is her colleague from work she had liked couple of days after our breakup. She told me she wants to be with him, but he doesn't because he thinks me and her are getting back together. The evening when he was at her house, he kissed her. So I know it, she knows it, you now know it, it's just a matter of time until they start their own relationship.

She told me it's over, and I told her goodbye, she didn't want to tell me goodbye because she couldn't do it. So I asked her for a ending message from her, an honest one. I made her promise she would send me a ending message, which I should receive the next days.

 

I am totally depressed right now, the woman I love, my fiancee, wants to go with another man after one month after our breakup, after everything we've been through, all our plans for our wedding, our family, our lives together. She was a member of my family, my birthday, her birthday, christmas, easter, new years eve, all of these events we spent them in 2011-2013 together at my family, and now, in 2014, I'll be on my birthday (13 December) alone, while she will probably be with another man.

 

How can she forget me like that? How can someone who loved, get over such a relationship in such a short time?

Even tho I hate her, I love her and I still want her back. Why? I'm afraid I'll never be able to find someone so perfect like she was. Is there any chance I could get her back? If yes, how? I know she loves me, but she doesn't miss me, she doesn't care about me anymore. What should I do next? My birthday is in a couple of weeks now, how should I proceed?

 

I have no friends, my family hates me because I failed school, I'm lonely, I am very lonely.

 

Oh, and I want to mention something, she will probably quit University, she failed one year, and has to repeat it again. But now she doesn't go to the University anymore, because she is focusing too much in that fabric, where she is working with this guy. She will probably remain a worker there like that guy, which is bad because she has soo much potential, she could become an accountant like she always wished for, but she isn't fighting for it anymore. I'm a student at an engineering university, even tho I failed my years too, I started it again, and now I'm studying, I'll become an engineer in 4 years and I will probably have a salary which would be more or equal to both of their salaries combined. I could offer her a better future, my family is pretty wealthy, not rich but wealthy, why her parents are poor, and my family loved her, she would've had such an easy life with me, financially. Why doesn't she see this? She would rather stay with a guy, in a rented apartment instead of being with me in a big house.

I love her and I want the best for her, I think I want to be together with her just so I can offer her a better future.

 

Now you know my story, thank you for offering me your time and reading this, and if you could help me with any advice, either with getting her back or getting over her, I want to be ready for every situation.

Tell me where I have been wrong, what should've I had done better after the breakup. What should I do now? How can I stop her from being with this man?

 

PS: I'm terrible at writing, I hope you understood what I wrote there, I'm a disaster now, so I'm not concentrated 100%.

Edited November 23, 2014 by Kira Onime

[Kira Onime]

I know this is a wall of text. I probably shouldn't have writen so much, but I got it off my chest so it worked out a bit for me.

I know there are many of you here that have experienced breakups similar to mine, or even worse. Could you tell me what you did? Could you tell me what i should do? I want her back, I don't want her to be with another man since I know I can make her happy and offer her a better life.

Help?

[chados]

1. she got cold feet. shes young and not ready to settle down yet.

2. you didnt respect her actions when leaving you. this will make her think that she can walk all over you and that she is in fact more worthy then you

3. you got angry with her

4. you gave her gifts when she was making you feel bad. buying someone back doesnt work

5. i dont think your carrier has anything to do with this.

6. if you leave her alone. and move on with your life. you stop complaining and crying about her she might start to miss you.

 

dont treat her like she has higher value then yourself. your feelings and opinions matter just as much. there are other girls out there and i know you dont believe or want to hear that but thats the truth.

 

 

think about what she didnt like about you. is that worth changing? are you immature or is she?. if you think that there are things in your life you want to improve, not for her but for yourself then do it.

 

its impossible to tell if she will come back. but chances are she will not stay with this guy. its hard to go from one to another when she has a history with you. that just doesnt go away.

[Kira Onime]

Thank you for reading my post.

1. She was the one who wanted the most to get married.

2. Could you explain this?

3. I hate her now as much as I love her.

4. I didn't try to buy her, it wasn't an expensive gift, it was more a sentimental gift, i wanted her to have memories of me.

5. What is a carrier? I'm not familiar with this term.

6. I will try my best to do that.

 

Oh, and yeah, she is aware that she has total control over me, she was always my weakness and she knows it very well, but she never abused of the fact that I could not refuse her.

It's obvious, for me atleast, that she is using him to cover the emptiness I left. But it's not fair for that guy, he likes her, and it's not fair for me either.

[chados]

Thank you for reading my post.

1. She was the one who wanted the most to get married.

2. Could you explain this?

3. I hate her now as much as I love her.

4. I didn't try to buy her, it wasn't an expensive gift, it was more a sentimental gift, i wanted her to have memories of me.

5. What is a carrier? I'm not familiar with this term.

6. I will try my best to do that.

 

Oh, and yeah, she is aware that she has total control over me, she was always my weakness and she knows it very well, but she never abused of the fact that I could not refuse her.

It's obvious, for me atleast, that she is using him to cover the emptiness I left. But it's not fair for that guy, he likes her, and it's not fair for me either.

 

 

 

1. it doesnt matter. during the honeymoon phase. which is if you dont know when you first date. when you have butterflies in your stomach. people want to do crazy things sometimes especially when young. like marriage. then when the time comes they get cold feet realizing they havent lived their life yet.

 

2. when someone says i dont want this. and you tell them yes you do. youre automatically sending a message that you know what she wants and she doesnt. instead you should say i understand and i guess i have to let you go. you cant change her opinion. she has to figure this out herself. maybe she will see how good you were and come back. nobody in this world can say yes or no to this because we dont know.

 

3. yes you hate her cause she left you. understandable. this is a natural feeling but if you want someone back you cant show that you hate someone. you should be happy and move on. this is attractive. it doesnt mean she will come back but letting go is the best way to get someone back.

 

4. yes i dont mean you spend a lot of money on her. but you bought a gift to someone who just told you she didnt want you. she knows you did this because you wanted her back and you know that too. you show her that you need her more then she needs you. instead walk away and show her that you have respect for yourself. youre not gonna wait for her. dont treat her good when shes acting bad by giving her gifts.

 

5. carrier = how much money youre going to make , a carrier as an engineer. a police or whatever. what youre gonna do for living basically.

 

6. thats the best way to heal and to maybe get her back. dont chase. let her chase you. be a price.

[Kira Onime]

I guess there is no way I could change her mind about starting a relationship with that guy.

Even if I try, she'll just ignore me and do it anyway. She said she loves me but she wants to be with him, how can she love someone and be with someone else...I just hope he is smart enough to know it won't work, otherwise he'll be the next to suffer.

 

Aww man, I can't believe what's happening. Time to prove myself I'm strong.

 

Thank you, chados.

[Satu]

You can't *make* somebody want you, and thats what you've been trying to do.

[chados]

I guess there is no way I could change her mind about starting a relationship with that guy.

Even if I try, she'll just ignore me and do it anyway. She said she loves me but she wants to be with him, how can she love someone and be with someone else...I just hope he is smart enough to know it won't work, otherwise he'll be the next to suffer.

 

Aww man, I can't believe what's happening. Time to prove myself I'm strong.

 

Thank you, chados.

 

 

to love someone and be in love with someone is two different things. of course she cares about you in some way. and besides often breakups arent 100% honest. dont worry to much about things you cant control. if its meant to be its meant to be. she will let you know if she changes her mind.

[Kira Onime]

You think removing her from my Friends on Facebook will give a her a right message?

She posted alot of stuff that have to do with me, or so i think, a song with the description "But the heart wants what it wants..." and a quote from my favourite actor. I know I might be hanging on every stupid details, but I think they count.

[chados]

You think removing her from my Friends on Facebook will give a her a right message?

She posted alot of stuff that have to do with me, or so i think, a song with the description "But the heart wants what it wants..." and a quote from my favourite actor. I know I might be hanging on every stupid details, but I think they count.

 

 

removing her might make her sad i dont know. people can come back out of being jealous etc. thats not love. if removing her makes you feel better then do it. or at least stop subscribing on her wall. so you dont have to see everything she does. dont look at it.