furby19 Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 I recently met a guy at work that I really enjoy talking to and can see myself with. The only problem is...........he just got divorced about a month ago. He claims that they had been going through the divorce since March of this year but I still don't think he has had enough time to heal. She left him for another man. I can't see him being over that in this short length of time. Should I continue to see him? What should I do? It has always taken me a year or two to get over and move on when my past relationships ended (if I had been dumped) so I just can't see how he is ready to date already.
Coe Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 Some people get over things quicker than others. I was over my ex in about 2 weeks. 1
Author furby19 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Posted November 23, 2014 Did you leave him or did he leave you? I find it is easier to get over someone you left very quickly because you usually check out of the relationship before it is over. It usually doesn't happen so fast when they leave you though.
writergal Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 The only way you'll know for sure if he's over his ex-wife is based on his actions, not his words. Doesn't really mean anything if he says he's over her. It's his actions that reveal his true emotional state, not his words. And follow your gut. Don't second guess yourself. 1
Author furby19 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Posted November 23, 2014 I agree writergirl. He acts as if everything is fine. He told me he didn't have any plans on marrying anyone else any time soon which I thought was fine. However, the fact that the relationship just ended worries me.
FitChick Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 If you just want a fling, go for it. If you want something serious give it a year or two. 1
Author furby19 Posted November 23, 2014 Author Posted November 23, 2014 I want something serious. I also agree that he needs a year or two. I just don't know if I want to wait that long. Have you ever waited for someone to heal from and previous relationship and had success?
writergal Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 I want something serious. I also agree that he needs a year or two. I just don't know if I want to wait that long. Have you ever waited for someone to heal from and previous relationship and had success? I waited one time and that was a huge mistake, because I let him string me along for an entire year playing the hot and cold game with me. He was emotionally cruel and manipulative, and was dating another woman (I didn't know this until after the fact) whom he was also sleeping with on the side in addition to me, whom he ended up marrying. I will never make that same mistake twice. If I meet a guy who isn't emotionally available to me, there's no way I'll wait for him to come around. Better to cut and run when you meet someone who is an emotional wreck from their past relationship. Otherwise, they'll just hurt you.
Coe Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 Did you leave him or did he leave you? I find it is easier to get over someone you left very quickly because you usually check out of the relationship before it is over. It usually doesn't happen so fast when they leave you though. I ended it about a month before we were due to get married because of her though not because I didn't like her anymore.
howcouldInotknow Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 I waited one time and that was a huge mistake, because I let him string me along for an entire year playing the hot and cold game with me. He was emotionally cruel and manipulative, and was dating another woman (I didn't know this until after the fact) whom he was also sleeping with on the side in addition to me, whom he ended up marrying. I will never make that same mistake twice. If I meet a guy who isn't emotionally available to me, there's no way I'll wait for him to come around. Better to cut and run when you meet someone who is an emotional wreck from their past relationship. Otherwise, they'll just hurt you. She shouldn't be putting her life on hold. If possible try to develop a friendship. Keep sex out of it if you can. There are many layers when it comes to healing after a divorce. A few months is not enough time to peel back and deal with all of the layers. Not every guy is emotionally cruel. Set clear boundaries and begin building a friendship. As he heals you may not be interested in a relationship with him at that point.
writergal Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 She shouldn't be putting her life on hold. If possible try to develop a friendship. Keep sex out of it if you can. There are many layers when it comes to healing after a divorce. A few months is not enough time to peel back and deal with all of the layers. Not every guy is emotionally cruel. Set clear boundaries and begin building a friendship. As he heals you may not be interested in a relationship with him at that point. I agree with you that she shouldn't put her life on hold. But she also needn't put any emotional trust in this guy until he's healed. Right now he's an emotional timebomb ticking away until he responsibly faces up to the pain of his divorce so he can process it and then start to heal. Sure, she could maintain a platonic friendship with him during this time, but that doesn't guarantee he'll respect any boundaries she sets up. He'll be horny and lonely and will likely seek sexual solace from her because he knows she's attracted to him. I just don't think you can trust the motives of a man (or woman) so soon after their divorce. They are looking for someone to rebound with and if the OP wants to be the rebound, that's her call. But frankly, she deserves better than that.
Tayken Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 @OP....work relationships eh, couldn't look elsewhere but the place in which you earn a living? Now think of the awkwardness should things go south, and all the snickering that will take place. As the saying goes, don't crap where you eat. The guy is in no way ready to be jumping into any relationship, he will needs minimum 2yrs from the date of the divorce stamp.
Ninjainpajamas Posted November 23, 2014 Posted November 23, 2014 The reason this is difficult for people themselves to assess is that they typically overestimate themselves or lack the self-awareness to truly understand where they stand emotionally and what they're actually looking for. It might seem like a great idea to date after a crappy marriage right out of the gate because it's been a soulless experience or the intimacy and love has been lacking or what for so long that clearly you were "over it" a long time ago. But those feelings take time to surface, that experience of being single again and out of your previous "life" that you shared with this person takes some time to register and have it's affect. People need to adjust to the withdraw and change, the different dynamic, becoming single again, becomes a "self" again instead of a couple. But most people of course don't want to acknowledge or recognize those things because their emotions are just telling them to go for it...they don't want to believe that they're not in the right emotional, mental or psychological state and the person that wants to date them wants to believe everything they hear. The bottom line is if you want to date this guy it comes with a big risk, and I wouldn't expect anything long-term out of it. I would prepared for some hot and cold behavior...a very strong start, but a withdraw after he kind of comes to his "senses" and calibrates his mind to where he is, and his heart. I've seen people relationship hop or even marriage hop, and these people are even used as examples as how some people can be successful after a divorce/relationship...but IMO you don't know what's happened or gone on at home, and you don't know what was lost or damaged from that transition, and in all probably it is not a "whole" relationship as there are still attachments to the past that affect the person. But you know...everyone does what they want to in the end in spite of all that. 2
Recommended Posts