Author onlyhuman Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Blind Otter, I can also understand your side very well. I am only 40 ish and through this ordeal I have had several major orthapedic surgeries.I was very proud of my physical well being and being active was a HUGE part of my life, most of that is gone now.There were times when well meaning people, my wife included just drove me nuts.What I needed was a period of time for me to adjust to a different lifestyle from which I was accustomed.That being said my efforts of good gesture towards my wife were not meant to fix or change her but just to show her I loved her.Through out all the fighting it was usually, well almost always me, who would break the silence and make the effort to patch things up.I have said many times "what can I do to make you happy", I wish she had said that to me at least once. As a side note the pattern continues and I have enjoyed two days of no fights.While this is going on I am getting prepared financially(JOKE) and emotionally for the end.
blind_otter Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 I'm sorry to see it is the beginning of the end. It's funny, about 6 months after my exH moved out on his own, we started being civil to one another again. Sometimes I think -- two people are fine human beings as individuals, but you mix them together and they become poisonous. Also, if she has personal issues to deal with she would be better off dealing with those. Now, in her defense, you should have noticed the red flags and dropped her if there were any suspected or obvious dealbreakers (IE you being a rebound relationship, I mean come on -- we all know when we are in one!)
Author onlyhuman Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 The rebound issue was discussed in detail, I was satisfied with her answers. I guess I might be stupid because I didn't feel there was a problem after our talk. Sometimes if someone wants to fool you they can.I usually am very good at reading people, I made a mistake.I really don't think there is a defense for someone who pulls the wool over your eyes, putting the responsibility back on me for missing something is easy now that all the details are out. If I had to go back, yes things would be different, but you could say this about any of the problems that we all have. Just so you know I didn't get married until very late in life, I was cautious and just wanted the right person, who would have guessed that I am where I am!Actually before I got myself into this mess I would have to say I was more thorough than other people I know.Just proves a point that you never know. I appreciate your comments, I might be a slow learner but once I get it I don't forget or make the same mistake.
blind_otter Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Yes well I am the poster child for unhealthy relationships that are totally based in insecurity, my need to be needed, and my fear of being alone (which I am currently addressing in therapy).... My Mom (who has been married 35+ years) says that the best we can hope for in marriage is someone who will tolerate your idiosynchrasies. I sometimes wonder if she's right. My Dad didn't get married until he was 41 (mom was 19!!!) I was talking to a guy recently who was with his ex-fiancee for like 5 years about 5 months ago. We have great conversations, I have another male friend who broke up with his GF like almost a year ago -- but I can tell, regardless of their protestations, that they are both still salty about the breakups and even though one has broached the subject of "hangin'" with otter and the other uses me as his pseudo-GF without the sex and physical intimacy, I am in no way capable of dealing with their saltiness otherwise. Anyways, I feel for you, I really do. At this point in my life I am bitter enough,e ven at my young age, to sit here and ponder the role that I took in the demise of my previous marriage and subsequent relationship, but I won't accuse you of doing anything other than what you thought you needed to in a relationship. I'm just saying - sometimes what we do, and what we expect -- isn't really what makes a successful relationship. Does that make sense? My Dad was the one who finally got that through my head.
Author onlyhuman Posted March 23, 2005 Author Posted March 23, 2005 Your fortunate to have a wise Dad. My problem is that I do not stand up for myself at times. This trait, which is not good, did not help my issues, this is one thing that I am working on.I imagine it will be a work in progress for some time but it is satisfying knowing that it is a winnable battle. I'm a bit different than your scenerio in that in my next relationship I will be expecting more and not settling for less.I will never again comprimise my needs.
blind_otter Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 Originally posted by onlyhuman Your fortunate to have a wise Dad. My problem is that I do not stand up for myself at times. This trait, which is not good, did not help my issues, this is one thing that I am working on.I imagine it will be a work in progress for some time but it is satisfying knowing that it is a winnable battle. I'm a bit different than your scenerio in that in my next relationship I will be expecting more and not settling for less.I will never again comprimise my needs. I am NOT willing to settle for less, dearie. I just have to have more realistic expectations. Good luck to you. I'm out!
Author onlyhuman Posted March 24, 2005 Author Posted March 24, 2005 Reread what I wrote. Was not implying that you had settle for less,more that I in the past have settled for less. Last time anyone called me Dearie was some guy who thought I liked guys, scary memory.
Author onlyhuman Posted April 11, 2005 Author Posted April 11, 2005 A quick update. My wife and I are still in the same mode.... The house is being cleaned up for the big sale and I reside in the other room. A story... I need to know if I'm wrong. I was contacted by my friend, he wanted to put on a dinner for four of us guys.The purpose is another friend is going through a painfull divorce and this would cheer him up.My wife knows all the guys and their wifes.I explain to my wife that I would like to attend this dinner,it would be a night of steaks and a bunch of guys talking about cars sports and such,she said yes but what about her!!! My wife then proceeds to contact the wife of the guy having the dinner and tries to talk her into a girls night out.In a nut shell my wife pretty well bullied this girl into agreeing, she then called back in an hour to cancel on my wife.The guy hosting the party calls me the next day and politely asks what the heck, he correctly points out that my wife NEVER calls his wife.He wants to know why she would try to arrange this on his night and he lets me know quite clearly his wife is miffed that my wife calls to do this on this particular night.They feel my wife was only doing this so she could be there and and watch over us, I agreed. My wife is upset, she feels she was snubbed, I did not even voice my opinion because whats the point.My wife leaves for the weekend to visit relatives. When my wife comes home, I had prepared dinner,it was waiting for her, and her favorite wine. I know we are seperating but I thought a nice evening is better than a bad one. She arrives and says she has already eaten, oh well! I asked her about her weekend she reciprocated, she showed me some clothes she bought and we sat down to watch a movie . Half way through the movie she says don't you want to see the rest of my stuff, I reply I'm sorry for not asking, can I see it.My wife then replies you don't care about me because if you did you would have shown more interest.I again apologized explaining that I simply forgot to ask about her other purchase.. Well what a fool I was, here I was once again set up for the battle, what I can't understand is how she can find any small thing and turn it into the greatest crime of the century, If I did not care I would not have made her dinner and picked out her favorite wine. I am a fool!!!I feel that I should just learn to hoof myself in the sack and get it over with. I feel she was wrong for trying to hijack a weekend, and her actions when she came home were just wrong. Lately, and I'm a tough guy I find myself almost in tears for no apparent reason.It would be good to hear some feedback, I just need the strength to carry on until this is done.
Ladyjane14 Posted April 12, 2005 Posted April 12, 2005 What is it that you really want? Do you want your wife back, or do you want to move on with your life? You seem kind of confused about that...through your posts anyway. It's okay to be sad and to grieve, and still....want to let go. It's likewise okay to want to hang on to something that is less than perfect. You're the only one who knows what's in your heart. I have to say though, from the outside looking in....she's awfully demanding for someone who WANTS to move on. It seems like she still has expectations of you that aren't completely appropriate for a STBX. You seem to be awfully sad....for someone who's considering divorce. Is it possible that neither of you are completely sure that separation is what you truly want? I think it's fairly clear that she hasn't been meeting YOUR emotional need for financial stability and that you have resentment for that. Who could blame you, afterall? Most people do require financial stability. Her complaints seem to center around your attentiveness. (????) Almost like she's spending your money just to get even. It's a pity that she won't go to counseling with you. I think you are prime candidates for a couple who would really benefit from it.
Author onlyhuman Posted April 12, 2005 Author Posted April 12, 2005 Thank you for the reply. Still to this day I would like her to seek counseling on her own. We have done the group thing with two different counselors with no real benifits.I have gone to a shrink for over 20 sessions in the last two years and he feels my wife is severely depressed, bipolar, or both.Before we were married she was on antidepressants for a number of years, I still don't have a straight answer to the why, how, when.After being married for a short time she went off, I look back and see that is were things really changed.I know I have mentioned it before on this site ,before things she found funny are now insulting or annoying and its seems she has no interest in activities she once enjoyed.I can never tell what will throw her into one of her fits, it could be as little as me not placing the tooth paste back in the exact spot it was before. I have tried to improve, actually have intimacy and I am told I am not romantic, she's tired or the morning is no good.At this point I really can't be bothered, as I feel the rejection on top of all the other problems is close to putting me over the edge. I get mixed messages on where she wants to go with this marriage.Last week all my clothes were thrown down the stairs and this morning she said hi and was not angry??Sunday she wanted the house up for sale, today no mention of it. Regardless of what she will do I am preparing for the end. I did find another lawyer who actually makes sense and I am currently following his advice on preparing my finances and controlling my interaction with her. LadyJane, it doesn't seem to matter what I do she finds fault in it.This weekend was a prime example, she comes home to a cleaned house , dinner on the table, a bottle of wine, someone who cares! and she finds a crack that she can exploit.This morning I tell her how good she looks and I get the rolling eyes. My wife also does not make friends easily where on the other hand I am very social and have lots of friends,sometimes I feel this bothers her. Now I am rambling on, not sticking to the points you have brought up, this says loads about my state of mind. It seems I don't have the strength to just walk out the door right now, I also don't have the strength for the onslaught of abuse I get every day. Yes I am very sad.
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