How can I calm things down?

March 17, 2005

A few months back I posted about my wife flirting a bit. Well now we are getting a divorce. I've been married 4 years, no children.It seems in retrospect from the first month the marriage was doomed . Almost immediately we suffered from lack of intimacy and we fought over the most stupid things. The fights mostly were about me and my humour, me not putting plates back where she wanted them or how ,when I did laundry I sometimes forgot the softner or on the rare occasion ruined a bra.To say I did not know how to handle this is an understatement, I can honestly admit at times I was so perplexed over the amount of grief I was recieving over these trangresions I would sit there in silence completely dumbfounded.Other times I became angry and ,wrongly, would ask why the fuss and sometimes would fight back.We tried numerous counselors and still our intimacy suffered and the fights got worse. Eventually I think we both just gave up, yes the fighting stopped but we had no gains in the quality of our marriage.During this period a lot of money was spent and today the first time in my life I face a huge financial crisis.My wife it seems does not feel that a huge debt burden is a cause for me to be down.It seems as the money shrank and the vacations and toys stopped it got worse, I let this happen in false hope that things would get better.I am ashamed for letting this go on and not stopping it, I was a fool and can only blame myself.

So now my wife is leaving, which is not a surprise.I am told I am not romantic, I am the same as I was before I was married, which means in my eyes I am just as romantic as before.My wife puts the blame of her feeling depressed on my shoulders, she said this morning that I am cruel, evil and try to hurt and degrade her.I on the other hand feel as if I have gone completely overboard on trying to make her happy and can not fathom how she has come to this conclusion.Some of my faults are responsible for this failure, people close to me say I always try to hard to please people and they wonder if I have a guilt complex or just try to paint targets on me.The problem I have now is through this whole depressing saga I actually am starting to feel I am an evil jerk!Today I have booked an appointment with the shrink I saw last year when times where tough, he feels my wife is severely depressed.My wife will not go to a doctor and flatly refuse's every time I ask.

Maybe I'm not writing for advice but just to vent, I feel so cheated through all of this.The problem is I don't hate my wife but still feel love for her and mostly I am worried over her.I don't know what she will do and feel she is not operating with her full facalties.Her anger at me right now is immense.So now I'm searching for a lawyer, reluctant to join the ranks of the divorced.

So after 4 years, I'm left heart broken and financially destroyed.

If anyone has experience with this type of anger is there anything I can do to diminish it even a bit??

March 17, 2005

I am not sure I'm going to post what you are looking for but can I say a few things? What jumped out at me was you posting about how your wife would get so upset over things like plates, laundry etc.

Those are minor issues which in no way should cause one to be unhappy in their marriage or to need to divorce.

Perhaps she's always had a issue of some sort. At any rate, she cannot be helped unless she wants to be helped. You cannot force her to get treatment for her depression.

I understand your frustration at the financial situation. I have been in that situation before. I controlled the money but my Ex H would spend and just expect it to be there. I had to scramble more and more to get money to cover the bills because he overspent for "toys" that he wanted. Through all of this I wouldn't even buy myself a pair of shoes. We ended up getting in a financial crunch because I just couldn't stretch it anymore.

It is very depressing, anyone who says that it isn't is fooling themselves. It probably partly led to the demise of my marriage.

You'll find alot of support here.

March 21, 2005

Thanks Pixie.

It was just nice to hear someone listen.

I have tried to maintain a level head and not engage my wife.

Through this sorry tail I have tried my best to make my wife happy or more foolishly thinking she would change or get help.She has blamed me for all her woes, her unhappiness,her weight gain, her smoking etc etc.

This weekend it was the same . lots of finger pointing and plans on her part for the divorce.Sunday rolls around and I ask her to sit down with me and see if we can work out some agreeable finance details.All of sudden she says' all you care about is money and how we split this up"

Maybe it was someone else she was talking to about selling the house the previous two days.It almost seems like a sick game that she is playing except she doesn't even now she is doing it.

Anyways if I had hair I'd pull it out, maybe ram it into my ears and forgo the art of listening.Something about being deaf and dumb is appealing right about now.

After speaking to a lawyer Friday I also now am looking for a new lawyer. Maybe I'm nieve but 4 years of hell, no sex, no more money and this last lawyer is saying I probably will have to pay alimony to keep her life accustomed to what she is used to now. This is the life style that has ruined me and now it looks like I just got to keep paying, will it ever end.

And yes, before any one replies, I am feeling very jaded right now, I just need time or a rest to recover before the finale. I never thought walking into my own house could bring up such feelings as fear and despair.

March 21, 2005

Have the 2 of you discussed seperation at this time?

Has anyone filed for divorce yet?

I do want to comment on the Alimony concern.. I don't know what state you live in, however most states will not grant alimony when a couple has been married for less than 10 years, the spouse (regardless if it's male or female) are capable of working and there aren't children involved.

March 21, 2005

No children.

My wife wants a divorce, the house is being repainted as we speak.

Seperation has not been discussed.

Friday was my second visit to this lawyer and I don't agree one bit what she was saying.I thought assets were split and debt paid off. This lawyer is saying the debt incurred at work is not a debt that will be split??? How can the money that was used for the two of us only be in my red book?If I didn't take the draw we would have lost the house, the draw is huge.

So far, her salary is the same as it ever was, mine is 2.5 times as large. The lawyer is telling me that I have to maintain her lifestyle, the same artificial life style that has ruined me.As of last week I am on a minimum paycheck until my debt is cleared, if things are good it will take me a year to clear this.If i have to pay any alimony I'm not sure on what to do.On top of all this I am in ill health, feeling better now but still not running on all cylinders.

Oh yes I am not in the USA.

March 21, 2005

Well damn..

Honestly, I cannot say what you will be legally required to do in a divorce.

It just makes sense to me that because there are no children involved, there is debt and very little assets to be split not to mention the fact that she works.. I guess I cannot see why YOU would then become responsible to give her monies to maintain any sort of a life style when clearly the 2 of you are in serious debt that can be proven for a divorce that is what she wants..

March 21, 2005

It's pretty obvious she is depressed and not thinking normally. The issues about laundry and dishes not being put away is just BS! Yeah I'm sure it bugs her but unless she is a total nitpicker and has to be in control ALL the time, she is way off base there.

I think she is making a huge mistake by pushing divorce. Problem is, there isn't anything you can do to change her mind. Once one person decides it's over and doesn't want to make it work - Well, not much you can do except hope that she'll regret this decision and reverse it. I think she will see this eventually.

Be in her face, don't give up if you still love her alot. Is she worth the fight? Or is it best to move on.

I hope it works out because there really isn't any reason for the marriage to end.

It is wrong of her to blame you for her depression. People don't make other people depressed unless they have good reason...I think she is unhappy with herself and she's just blaming you cuz you're an easy target for her. Sorry to say that.

Hang in there and I do hope she comes to her senses.

March 21, 2005

It would seem yours and my logic don't make sense????!!!

Imagine falling down a deep hole so fast as you look up you can't even see light.

Imagine my horror when just recently I was told I'm not romantic or spontanious,I guess when you measure these qualities by the expense I'm guilty.

My debt has been to maintain a lifestyle that was beyond my means, a warning to others I hope.Now it seems that I might be required to stay in this destructive loop, to what end I do not know.

I'm hoping this other lawyer makes sense.

March 21, 2005

Originally posted by whichwayisup
It's pretty obvious she is depressed and not thinking normally. The issues about laundry and dishes not being put away is just BS! Yeah I'm sure it bugs her but unless she is a total nitpicker and has to be in control ALL the time, she is way off base there.

I think she is making a huge mistake by pushing divorce. Problem is, there isn't anything you can do to change her mind. Once one person decides it's over and doesn't want to make it work - Well, not much you can do except hope that she'll regret this decision and reverse it. I think she will see this eventually.

Be in her face, don't give up if you still love her alot. Is she worth the fight? Or is it best to move on.

I hope it works out because there really isn't any reason for the marriage to end.

It is wrong of her to blame you for her depression. People don't make other people depressed unless they have good reason...I think she is unhappy with herself and she's just blaming you cuz you're an easy target for her. Sorry to say that.

Hang in there and I do hope she comes to her senses.

::Merin claps::

Very good advice Sista...

March 21, 2005

Between counselors ,me going to a shrink, at this point there is nothing good left.

My wife won't go to a MC because she says I lie, she won't go to a shrink because its all my fault. I have told her wouldn't it be nice to have someone help you with life problems, a no go!

We have no intimacy at all, I have been accused of being gay or having an affair.I'm too tired for either(my humor)

it just seems what ever I do or say is not good enough.

There just isn't any reason left for a marriage.

Sometimes if I say something she laughs, the next day she might go ballistic on me, there is no continuity in her behavior.

I got up this morning, as usual I made her breakfast ,warmed her car up, ironed her cloths etc(4yrs I have done this).She doesn't even turn her head to say good bye when I leave, why I have put up with this is a good question.

March 21, 2005

You married it too onlyhuman?

MA, we got any more t-shirts? We have another victim here.

You are fighting a losing battle here buddy. You can not defeat this evil creature from the darkest pits. It is an unreasonable creature that you can never hope to satisfy. 4 years huh? The cycle is gaining speed now.

On a slightly more serious note (the above wasn't exactly a joke), you can not force someone to get help. They have to realize it on their own and sadly, they usually don't. It's kinda funny, my counsellor once told me that most of her business is the people around the person who needs help. Hardly ever is it the source, the one who really needs it, that seeks help. You can continue trying to do more and more and hope that she suddenly begins to appreciate you, but I can tell you from experience, and Yikes and Massive Atom can verify this, it won't help. It will only continue to drain you, and make you feel like more of a failure.

But you will still go through the attempts. I know, because you are me, and you are Yikes, and you are Massive Atom. And in time you will come to the same realization we all came to. My saga just came to an end last week with the finalization of the divorce.

Remember these words, "You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved."

March 21, 2005

I have read all your threads Devildog.

I did not want to steal your show and I really could not help you as I was going through the same thing, that is why I did not post.

Your humor is welcome any time!

Reading your reply makes me sad but also points out evidence that can not be ignored. I still have not accepted the situation , I hope I can.

To say I have tried everything is an understatement, friends tell me that I am too kind and must be on a quest to have my ass kicked .

All the reasons I got married for are gone, you can't live on the love of something past, hoping for it to come back.

March 21, 2005

Hmm, what would happen if you really became a bastard now? Cancelled all joint credit cards, stopped doing all those nice things like making breakfast, warming up the car and ironing her clothes (damn! that one just floors me!!)? Return some of the 'toys' or sell them, maybe you should put the house up for sale before you split. Reduce the lifestyle before the divorce.

I don't think it is just depression. I think there are some wicked selfish people out there who need to be catered to and don't see that they cause a lot of their own misery. I'm thinking you should cut your losses. It'll feel good once you stop banging your head against the wall.

March 21, 2005

Originally posted by onlyhuman
I have read all your threads Devildog.
I did not want to steal your show and I really could not help you as I was going through the same thing, that is why I did not post.
Your humor is welcome any time!
Reading your reply makes me sad but also points out evidence that can not be ignored. I still have not accepted the situation , I hope I can.

It isn't an easy thing to accept. I still have moments where I wonder if I did enough. Probably will from time to time for years to come.

To say I have tried everything is an understatement, friends tell me that I am too kind and must be on a quest to have my ass kicked .

I know, and I understand why you did it and still do try. It's part of your nature. You swore an oath to stand beside her in good times and in bad, sickness and health. And like me, you probably took that vow very seriously. That is commendable. That is a good quality to have. And you have proven that you honor that vow. Now is the time to move forward and allow someone who will appreciate that quality into your life.

All the reasons I got married for are gone, you can't live on the love of something past, hoping for it to come back.

No, you can't live in the past. That is something I still struggle with to be honest with you. I still think about what it was like early on in our marriage. I long for that again. But it is never going to happen again with my XW. In time, you will find that back, just with a new partner. You still have years of happiness in your future. You will find them when you are ready.

March 21, 2005

Just doing that now, good advice.

Last year when we had a problem, I capped the credit card at $500 and put a hold on the LC for $1000.

Too this day I am told what a prick I was for doing this.Bear in mind I did not cut her off , there was also money in the chequing account.I did what I thought was neccesary to prevent overspending that would hurt both us, I too had to abide by these rules.

As far as being a bastard, I can't, the most I can hope for is the silent routine.

March 21, 2005

I think you should change your screen name to Superhuman.

March 21, 2005

Okay, you and Devildog got me to laugh, thank you.

As much as your suggestion is humerous Doormathuman at this point would be more appropriate.

March 21, 2005

You're not a door mat. I see what you have done as a sign of considerable emotional strength. Lesser people would have walked away a long time ago.

Besides, if I let you believe you are a door mat, what would that make me? Hell, I was worse than that.

And look on the bright side onlyhuman, you already have women on the boards here flirting with you.

March 21, 2005

In my experience there are very few truely evil people out there who are just evil evil vile creatures who enjoy hurting others. Hell, I even see the good parts of my psychotic ex who tried to kill my then-bestfriend. He wasn't just an abusive a**h***. There were good parts, too. I can see that and I can see how I treated him badly sometimes. I never smacked him in the face and blacked his eye, or tried to rip his car apart, but I did other things to be passive aggressive.

I read your posts and I see you dwelling on what you did for her. It seems kind of like you gave to get, which is a big no no. And you can' t force someone to change, was she like OK before you got married and then suddenly turned into uber-bitch-evil-harpy after the nuptuals? Did you walk into this blindfolded? I talk about this with my friend all the time....I bitch about getting taken advantage of, but you know -- there needs to be some accountability....how much did I LET myself get taken advantage of by those people who used me?

Anyways, I recommend you move out to get some space. My exH moved into his own apartment and it really helped to clear the air (especially because it was my house we lived in). We were much more civil after that.

Good luck.

March 21, 2005

Originally posted by blind_otter
It seems kind of like you gave to get, which is a big no no.

b_o, please elaborate on this point. I think he was attempting to do more in an effort to make his wife happy again. That is what I did. The worse things got, the more I tried to do to make things better. It didn't help of course. But I don't understand why you say this is a big no-no.

March 21, 2005

Originally posted by Devildog
b_o, please elaborate on this point. I think he was attempting to do more in an effort to make his wife happy again. That is what I did. The worse things got, the more I tried to do to make things better. It didn't help of course. But I don't understand why you say this is a big no-no.

You never give with the thought of what you will get in the future. No investments on future returns, so to speak. Because that just breeds expectation and resentment. "Well, remember that time you had the flu and I did all the chores for 3 days straight? Well now I'm sick and you're not doin' sheeyot" -- even though she may very well be in her own thing. IE unable to give to the level of your expectation either because of how she is or because of circumstances.

Like my exH did that. He gave gave gave, but it was because he *never had any money*...he would do other sh*t like around the house and that was supposed to make up for the fact that he saddled me with all our credit card debt before he left for prison. Or, he threw it in my face that he took care of me when I first started having seizures. Well, jesus christ, man...if I knew this "care" I was getting was on credit, I would have moved in with my mama and gotten unconditional lovin' and some free home health care.

There is a difference between being a doormat and giving to get -- but I experienced it. Guys who give in the hopes or knowledge that they will get something back from you in return. It's almost like emotional blackmail.

You can't "make" someone happy. They can make themselves happy, and you guys can be happy together. Why is it that guys always want to fix things that can't be fixed?!

March 21, 2005

Your right Blind Otter,I have learned of some of my short comings through this, that is one of them.In the future when I do anything nice it will be for the sake of just doing it.You are very perceptive.

When I walked into this with my nieve innocent happy face there were warnings, warnings I ignored.There was jealousy issues and I suspected that I got my wife on the rebound.There were other personal issues my wife had with others that I had concerns about.

Thinking back I just wanted to believe in the best and was in this mode to get married,I felt it was time and I truly thought she loved me, what better reason!So I let my heart rule and ignored the little yellow flags waving at me.

Let this be a warning for others.I would have to say the greater amount of reponsibility lies with me in not being able to stand up to her.If a bear attacked I would jump in to defend my loved ones yet I was a coward many times and proliferated her bad behavior.

As far as being nice.....

I'm the guy that found $50 once, I told the office in front of where I found it that I had found some money, I did not disclose the amount.I told the secretary if someone comes in looking for lost money here is my card. I waited two weeks for a call then I spent it.

Devildog, I have been told people flirt with me and I never know about it, I'll take your word.Doormat does not fit you at all, watching your story has given me strength. doormat is for me letting this get where it has.

March 21, 2005

But there are certain limits to what most guys will do just to get something in return.

I didn't do everything I did with the expectations of getting paid back with interest somewhere down the line. I did the things that I did in the hopes that it would help get us through the rough spot and help get us back on the path to where we once were, back to a happy marriage.

I think this is the intention that onlyhuman had as well.

And it is a hardwired thing for men to fix a problem. If there is a problem, we must fix it. It's what we feel we are supposed to do. It isn't going to change. Might as well get used to it.

March 21, 2005

Just a note. I did things for my wife in hopes that she would appreciate me and the love would come back.

March 23, 2005

Originally posted by Devildog
And it is a hardwired thing for men to fix a problem. If there is a problem, we must fix it. It's what we feel we are supposed to do. It isn't going to change. Might as well get used to it.

There are certain things that can't be "fixed" though -- my exhusband didn't understand the grieving process I went through when I miscarried while we were together. He tried to "fix" me out of the funk I was in. Also, when I started having epilepsy again, I went through a grieving process because I developed a short term memory disorder and I basically lost a lot of my ability to function at that time....again, he tried to fix me...

Yeah to get used to it would have been a better thing to do, but how do you get used to it when you lack the emotional resources to cope with your own mental breakdown? My mother at that time recommended that I move home and just get away from him and try again later when I was more capable....

Sign In

How can I calm things down?

Recommended Posts

onlyhuman

Mz. Pixie

onlyhuman

Merin

onlyhuman

Merin

whichwayisup

onlyhuman

Merin

onlyhuman

Devildog

onlyhuman

brashgal

Devildog

onlyhuman

brashgal

onlyhuman

Devildog

blind_otter

Devildog

blind_otter

onlyhuman

Devildog

onlyhuman

blind_otter

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...