quipu Posted November 22, 2014 Posted November 22, 2014 I am a 24 year old woman and have been "friends" with a guy the same age as me for 9 years now. We first met when we were 13 and then met again at 15 and started talking. Even though we liked each other and wanted to be together, being that we were so young and lived in separate states it couldn't happen so we just talked on the phone and hung out whenever I came to his town where my grandparents lived to visit. Well I ended up moving to his town for college and he wanted us to get serious then but I said no since I was just starting school and wanted my freedom. But he understood and we continued just being cool but he started dating someone and I felt it wasn't appropriate for us to be friends anymore since we liked each other so I cut him off. A year and a half later he ended up sending a letter to my grandparents house to get back in touch with me and once again he wanted a relationship but I just wasn't ready and so we just remained "friends". Well fast forward to present time, I finally got to a place where I was ready to be with him but thought he didn't want me at the time so I let it go and just continued being his friend and dated other guys. He always asked me though about what I was doing with these other men and how I felt about them because for some reason he just always wanted to know leading me to believe that he really did want me but was thinking I wanted someone else. So one day I decided to write him a letter letting him know that I still had feelings for him and that he is the one I really want, however by time I did this it was too late because he had already made plans to get involved with another woman because they had decided to live together. This ended up hurting me so bad that I decided to put an end to the friendship because there are too many feelings involved between us and I don't think it will be right for us to be around each other acting like a couple while he's living with another woman. We recently spoke to each other and I told him that because of the feelings we share for one another, at this point we have to be all or nothing because we can't just be friends like we had been trying to be all this time and he just said that he was going to figure it all out (whatever that means). He also said though that he needs to be around me in order to know how he feels but I don't think I should be around him unless we are in a relationship or working towards one especially not while he's living with another woman even though he's not serious about her. I feel like if he really wants me he will move out of his place with her and step to me the same way he did when we were younger but I could be wrong. Should I allow communication between the two of us and even allow him to come around me? Or should I just stick to my word and only be around if he says he wants a relationship? I feel like maybe I should allow him to be around so he can figure out what he wants to do but at the same time I feel like after 9 years he should already know. Please help!
WhatYouWantToHear Posted November 22, 2014 Posted November 22, 2014 Do both of you a big favor and leave him alone. You get one more contact with him: Tell him you can't stand to be "friends" with him and you have to go no contact. Assure him (and yourself) that this isn't an ultimatium. Tell him you're not asking him to choose between his current girlfriend and you. Let him know that if the relationship fails he should contact you if he wants to pursue something. But doing anything else isn't fair to him or you. More painful short term, but the right thing and less painful in the long run.
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