beanshum Posted March 17, 2005 Posted March 17, 2005 Hi everyone, I’m new here and I really need some input from you guys. I’m going to try and keep it brief, so here it goes… I had meet a guy last June and we started dating in July. Things were going great, but they were also moving really fast. We were together for about three and a half months and during that time I met his whole family, was practically living with him (he lived in the basement of his parent’s home), was invited to all of his family events, hung out with his friends. Even though it was for that short amount of time, I felt like we were together for years. We have a really good connection and things were perfect, except for one thing – his EX. Just so you get an idea, I am 24, he is 27 and his ex is 21. He and her had gone out for about three years (so they have history), but then things got rocky when she went away for college. She cheated on him once, he decided to take her back when she wanted to come back and then a few days later she cheated again and left him broken hearted. Then six months later he met me and I should have known better. I even told him that I don’t think that he’s ready to be with someone else, but you know how these things go. Anyway, so of course, when the EX found out about me, she started showing new interest in him. She started calling him all the time, which was okay with me at first, until I found her sending him pictures of her in her THONG!! That was my first red flag and I told him that I was pissed and that he needs to ask himself why is this girl all of a sudden showing so much interest in him. But since then, things were never the same, and although he never talked to her on the phone when I’m around (and like I said, I was with him practically all the time), when he had a chance to, he would always call her back (even though in most cases they would just talk for a few minutes). I know what you’re thinking…all this crap in less than four months of being together right? So I finally realized that I don’t want to be with someone who is emotionally confused, and I told him that maybe we should take a break. Initially my thought was to give him a break so he can sort his issues together, heal from his heartaches caused by the EX, etc. So I was still holding onto the hopes that we would one day get back together, but soon I had the sneaking suspicion that he was considering giving her another chance. While he was in the process of possibly getting back with her, however, he was still trying to keep me around (maybe as a just in case?? Ugh, the audacity). So I knew that I had to ask him straight up, hear it straight from his mouth if he was considering going back with her. And this guy goes, yeah, but now I also want to be with you, which is why I’m so confused and why I’m here by myself with no one. So basically that was it for me. I told him off, and told him that he doesn’t need to feel confused over two girls, because I’m pulling out. I also told him that he doesn’t have to worry about drama because I will not fight with any girl over a guy. At then end of the day, it’s the guy’s choice and decision and I shouldn’t have to get my hands dirty to “win” him over. I said what I had to say and I left him for good. So for two months (we officially broke it off in November, so up untii February 2005) after that, I sucked it up, dealt with the pain and was able to move on (for the most part). I did the no contact for about a month (to allow myself to heal) and then after that he started instant messengering me, but I’ve always kept the conversations light, fun because I wanted him to know that I’ve moved on. He would messenger me to talk about what he’s been up to, his day, his problems, etc. and I was always very supportive and provided good advice. I even asked him how he and his EX were doing and he said things were better, so I told him that I wish him the best and hope that thigns would work out for him this time (I was trying to be mature about the whole situation). Then one night he called me up to tell me about a problem he was having with his business partner. And we ended up talking until real late. I asked him how he and his EX (I guess now she’s his GF) are doing and he started telling me all this….he said that he still thinks that the age gap between the two is too large, that he didn’t expect things to be different this time when he and her got back together, that he thinks about me every night (and he said there was more he want to say, but that he doesn’t think it’s fair for me), that what he and I had was deeper than anything else, that he was always able to place his EX in his future but now he can’t, that he still cares about his ex, but it’s not the same. Thanks to this guy telling me all this stuff, I started to feel confused (and I admit, even hopeful). Since then, he’s called me every other day to tell me what he’s been doing, etc. And at times he would talk about having children and he would make subtle hints about us having kids together (in a joking way, but you know one of those where you know they’re trying to say something). And this past weekend, I actually met up with him and a few friends for a night out of town. We kissed a little and the rest of the night he just held my hand, and things just felt like they were before all this drama took place. But I kept my head together and insisted that I go home and not to his place. So now…after that night out, he still talks to me via instant messengering as if everything is okay. I don’t know what’s going on here. The other thing is, I don’t know what the deal is with him and the other girl, which is one reason why I don’t want to get back with him. My questions to you guys are the following: 1. What is this guy trying to do? 2. Do you think he still wants to get back with me? 3. What should I do next given the current situation? Should I talk to him and try to be friends with him and see where things go? Or should I just slowing faze him out of my life? 4. Is he worth for me to have hope for? 5. Do you think it is worth me letting him know how I really feel if there is a chance that he wants to get back with me but thinks that I won’t give him the chance?
martinuccia Posted March 20, 2005 Posted March 20, 2005 From my experience, he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Ask yourself what you're worth? Aren't you worth being with someone who is not into playing games with your emotions and playing it safe for himself? He wants you to risk you getting hurt, but he wants to play it safe for himself. Always making sure, he has backup. I know it's hard, but if he would be really so into you, he would break up with her. But, she's in college... so he wants to be with someone who he could be with while she's in college. When she's done with college, would he want to be back with her? Is that something you want to deal with? Love is tough. Don't put up with crap.
Author beanshum Posted March 21, 2005 Author Posted March 21, 2005 martinuccia - you are SOOOO right. i can't cling on to false hope and whatnot. if he wants to be with me then he needs to make changes and prove to me that he really wants to be with me. i told him last night that i don't want to be with him and that if we want to be friends, we need to set boundaries, because i am not going to sit around waiting. i think i already know the truth already deep down inside, but needed someone to tell me as it is. so thanks martinuccia. i'm not going to lie...it's hard to let go, but at the end of the day i need to place myself first.
upsetnhurt Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Beanshum, My sympathies. I have had a similar experience yet my ex gf has not chosen to continue communicating with me. She could not get over an ex of hers and regardless of how well I treated her my relationship was doomed for failure. What irked me is that her ex, for who she definitely still had unresolved baggage for, went so far as to stalk me while I was with her. He glued my door locks at my home, poured paint thinner on my car and wrote threatening letters to my home and work. Crazy isn't it and to top it off I have never spoken to him or seen him face to face outside of waking up one night after midnight and hearing something outside and when my gf at the time and I looked through my peephole he was standing there! Scarey stuff. With all this she still could not get over the him and ultimately broke up with me to at the least continue the possibllities with him. I know your ex bf did not put you through those extremes yet there is very little difference Beanshum. He ultimately agreed to break up with you as he realized that there might be something he thought was better out there for him. He since then has continued to see this other woman. It is my opinion that he is simply using you. He is in no way able to provide you what it is that you deserve. He will need lots of alone time, that means no contact with that ex or you, for a long time........year or more. In that time he needs to find himself and discover what will make him happy. Otherwise he will be playing with both of your emotions on a daily basis. Unfortunately this happens lots and I have learned that timing is everything in life. This just is not the right timing for neither you or I and you need to take care of yourself first. YOU DESERVE BETTER!
upsetnhurt Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Beanshum, Ironic as it may seem yet I am having a tough time getting over my ex too...........It means that we felt the right things in our hearts for them! It will take time and no contact is the way to go.....time heals all wounds.
acidrein_08 Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Dude upsetnhurt u need to wake up and see your destiny..ur going to produce the hit movie "Don't Look Out Your Peephole" based on real life experiences and become rich and have hundreds of women at your peephole...HAHAHA!
Author beanshum Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 lol acidrein...too funny. upsetnhurt...i'm sorry to hear about what you had to go through. he sounds like a psycho!!! here's an update at what has transpired so far. remember i had mentioned that i had text him last night telling him that i apologize if we were sending each other mixed messages the past few weeks (all the phone calling, texting, IMing, the last friday that we met up). i basically ended by telling him that i think we need to start over in terms of our friendship, that we need to stop joking around like we can be something more, that i don't want to be with him. well today...here is what he text me back and subsequently what i text back to him... him: you shouldn't apologize. it's me. i'll be lying to myself if i said i don't have feelings for you. i'm confused since friday and i'm sorry for being selfish. the more i talk to you the more i doubt my feelings. me: i almost gave my heart to you but you made a choice. i care about you a lot but i love me more. i know what i deserve. i hope you know what you deserve too. me: i don't want to be a reason that you and her don't work out. and i don't want to confuse you or myself. maybe it's best that we don't talk for a while. him: you're not a reason but a realization of what feelings i have. but you're right. guys....i'm doing the right thing right? i feel empowered and saddened at the same time....only time is going to heal everything...
upsetnhurt Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 Acid, you got me to laugh as well! It sickening that I am heartbroken over this and should consider myself lucky to be safe and sound. No contact is the way to go and time does help in the healing process. That is what we have all been trying to tell you as well. Hope things are better for you. Beachshum.....I am proud of you. You took a major step and in the end you will be so much better off. Think to yourself....do you really want to be with someone who could not see how great you were the first time around? It's unfortunate and I don't say to you that he is a bad guy in anyway......yet he has a long way to go in terms of healing himself. You don't need to wait around for him as you have your own goals in life. It's just bad timing.............and there are reasons for everything. All his texts sound great yet they are all talk...he is not over the gal completely as he is trying to tell you in those messages. All he is doing is questionning his feelings all over again. You Deserve better! A read on thread once a analogy to second chances and liked it. It tried to question why matters of the heart can't be dealt like business decisions. If you find out Beachshum that a potential business partner lied to you, deceived you and played with your mind...would you still consider doing business with them? Even if he came back and apologized? Probably not and that is the way you should be thinking about your ex. Keep in my Beachshum that you are taking advice from a crazy guy like me who is still heartbroken over a girl who might have gone back to a psycho guy!!
beachshum Posted March 22, 2005 Posted March 22, 2005 oh gosh guys...dramaville. (sorry, but for some reason, i'm having issues logging in from work) so take a wild guess what happened last night...shortly after my post, the guy calls me at around 10 pm. he started saying how no matter how hard i try to get rid of him, that he won't leave me. that maybe he made the wrong choice. that he's not happy with her. i asked him what does he want from me. of course, no answer. i told him that it is so unfair that he is putting me through his own emotional roller coaster ride with him. he needs to set me free and let me go. this is so unfair. i'm getting kind of pissed off just thinking about it because i feel like he's being so selfish in trying to hold me back. it's like he's starting to have more feelings for me but is scared to commit to me, but at the same time he wants me to wait around and help him with his issues. guys...this is NOT MY JOB RIGHT? honestly, after talking to him i don't feel a sense of loss or sadness, but more like i want him to let me go if he can't give me what i want. the audacity...
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