I hit rock bottom

[tommy_tgz]

Guys,

 

I have been a long time lurker on this forum and many of you here are amazingly helpful and kind. I've posted here 2 years ago about my break up but find myself back here again needing support due to a recent break up. I feel hopeless and for the first time in my life no interest at all in living.

 

My ex-gf of 11 months and I broke up a month ago, about mid-October. I had lost interest in the relationship due to her insecurities and our constant fights. I felt like she always loved me more than I loved her because she has deep insecurity issues and daddy issues. I found out she was a pathological liar throughout our whole relationship. Although she was very wifey and kind by doing almost everything for me (cooking, cleaning, great sex, very submissive and nurturing), she made up little lies about herself that masked her insecurities. When we had finally broken up last month, I discovered that in August she was exchanging emails with men through online dating websites. It ignited so much anger in me that I told myself she was not worth loving or worth my time. I could not understand why she did that while at the same time clinging to me. I have my faults in this relationship too and I blamed myself for some of the times I lashed out verbally at her or taking my own problems out on her. I wanted to be accountable for my own shortcomings in the relationship as well.

 

After a month of no contact, a buddy randomly saw her picture uploads online and asked me if I knew these people. It was a completely new group of friends I had never known she had. She was taking pictures with guys that appeared more successful and good looking than I was and I sank 18 stories deep. I did not want to know what she is up to, but surprised she seems to move on just fine so quickly. Are women just more adept at breakups than men? This really made me relapse after seeing those pictures last night because I was healing better the last 2 weeks.

 

I just can't understand why I still feel attached and wishing her back even though I know we had nothing left together, the trust was broken and the relationship wasn't going anywhere. I'm deeply depressed because I also hate my career and have so many other life problems to deal with at the same time. The comfort of having a girl during the holiday season and winter time is no longer here and I feel lonely and hopeless. I know men are expected to not show emotions but this is the one place I can tell my story without judgment. Men do feel and cry too. We do have emotions. And breakups really **** with my head., no matter how far you come out of the last breakup.

 

If anyone can give any advice, I would be forever grateful. I don't know what do anymore.

[LilKimmy]

Guys,

 

I have been a long time lurker on this forum and many of you here are amazingly helpful and kind. I've posted here 2 years ago about my break up but find myself back here again needing support due to a recent break up. I feel hopeless and for the first time in my life no interest at all in living.

 

My ex-gf of 11 months and I broke up a month ago, about mid-October. I had lost interest in the relationship due to her insecurities and our constant fights. I felt like she always loved me more than I loved her because she has deep insecurity issues and daddy issues. I found out she was a pathological liar throughout our whole relationship. Although she was very wifey and kind by doing almost everything for me (cooking, cleaning, great sex, very submissive and nurturing), she made up little lies about herself that masked her insecurities. When we had finally broken up last month, I discovered that in August she was exchanging emails with men through online dating websites. It ignited so much anger in me that I told myself she was not worth loving or worth my time. I could not understand why she did that while at the same time clinging to me. I have my faults in this relationship too and I blamed myself for some of the times I lashed out verbally at her or taking my own problems out on her. I wanted to be accountable for my own shortcomings in the relationship as well.

 

After a month of no contact, a buddy randomly saw her picture uploads online and asked me if I knew these people. It was a completely new group of friends I had never known she had. She was taking pictures with guys that appeared more successful and good looking than I was and I sank 18 stories deep. I did not want to know what she is up to, but surprised she seems to move on just fine so quickly. Are women just more adept at breakups than men? This really made me relapse after seeing those pictures last night because I was healing better the last 2 weeks.

 

I just can't understand why I still feel attached and wishing her back even though I know we had nothing left together, the trust was broken and the relationship wasn't going anywhere. I'm deeply depressed because I also hate my career and have so many other life problems to deal with at the same time. The comfort of having a girl during the holiday season and winter time is no longer here and I feel lonely and hopeless. I know men are expected to not show emotions but this is the one place I can tell my story without judgment. Men do feel and cry too. We do have emotions. And breakups really **** with my head., no matter how far you come out of the last breakup.

 

If anyone can give any advice, I would be forever grateful. I don't know what do anymore.

 

 

Those photos mean nothing! NOTHING! She MAY appear happy and out and about with new people including men but you don't know how she feels.

 

It is very common to tie a break up or heartache to the holiday season. Holidays or not - this relationship was going nowhere and you knew it! Stop looking at anything that relates to her because it is just going to hurt you and it's only perception anyway.

 

Focus on you. Trust me when I say that I know this is VERY HARD to do. Been there and I am about to go through it again. But you must take care of you.

 

Keep your head up and keep on moving. If your job is boring or bringing you down then find a new one.

 

Keep posting here for support and look to your family and friends for support.

[OwMyEyeball]

I feel you man, I really do.

 

I was in a similar 8 month relationship with a woman who for all her wonderful qualities also harbored some deep attachment issues that made her a very 'clingy' person whose every mood seemed to depend on my validation and constant support. Myself, having attachment issues on the opposite end of the spectrum, am more than happy being absent from my partner for days, if not weeks, at a time. I'd like to say I'm my own person, but I believe I avoid people more than is healthy or necessary; the isolation hurts.

 

Anyhow, she broke things off over the course of two days. I had become emotionally distant over the past two weeks following stresses in my own life and she just couldn't cope with that. There are aspects of myself I need to work on and the same goes for her. In a way we're both damaged goods, but I don't believe that's what united us so tightly.

 

What I loved so deeply about her was everything that I have in myself, but for whatever reason, have a tendency to disregard or refuse to cultivate. I loved her femininity - the nurturing, compassion, kindness, empathy, openness of emotion, warmth and affection. And I loved her as a person for all her other qualities that, again, I just didn't have - frugal and disciplined (while I'm a bit of a spend thrift and impulsive), hardworking and stubborn (while I'm more laid back and flexible), artistic and whimsical (while I lean more towards reason). She was a lot of what I lack and I was a lot of what she lacked. Our connection was at the soulful level - the part that transcends ego and unites self.

 

A few days after she ended things I was at the gym we both frequent. It was a few minutes to opening and I saw her roll by in the passenger seat of the gym uber hunk. It wasn't even 630AM so you can guess what assumptions my mind immediately drew up. I went NC and haven't looked back since, though I still think about her often.

 

Twelve months ago I was on top of the world. Six months ago I was wracked with an unforgettable pain. Today I'm doing much better. The actual heartache only lasted for a few weeks. All the other issues had crept up during the final few months of the relationship and would have been there regardless. I resolved to address those issues - still working on them. Meditation, therapy, quitting my high paying job and going back to school, a return to the healthy routine that I was on before we met ... the routine that I arrogantly discarded in the foolish belief that love would sustain me.

 

Were you a joyful guy before the relationship? If so, think back to what you were doing back then because chances are if you start doing it again you'll put yourself on a more direct path to recovery.

 

There's some pain for you yet and the best way past it is through it. Do everything you can to regain your sense of self. Right now you feel more lost than ever because a lot of your identity was tied up in the relationship. There's also an undeniable physiological withdrawal phase that will cause some unavoidable suffering. At least that part goes away on its own, though the wound can be re-opened if you continue to keep tabs on her. Go NC - it helps with the healing.

[tommy_tgz]

I feel you man, I really do.

 

I was in a similar 8 month relationship with a woman who for all her wonderful qualities also harbored some deep attachment issues that made her a very 'clingy' person whose every mood seemed to depend on my validation and constant support. Myself, having attachment issues on the opposite end of the spectrum, am more than happy being absent from my partner for days, if not weeks, at a time. I'd like to say I'm my own person, but I believe I avoid people more than is healthy or necessary; the isolation hurts.

 

Anyhow, she broke things off over the course of two days. I had become emotionally distant over the past two weeks following stresses in my own life and she just couldn't cope with that. There are aspects of myself I need to work on and the same goes for her. In a way we're both damaged goods, but I don't believe that's what united us so tightly.

 

What I loved so deeply about her was everything that I have in myself, but for whatever reason, have a tendency to disregard or refuse to cultivate. I loved her femininity - the nurturing, compassion, kindness, empathy, openness of emotion, warmth and affection. And I loved her as a person for all her other qualities that, again, I just didn't have - frugal and disciplined (while I'm a bit of a spend thrift and impulsive), hardworking and stubborn (while I'm more laid back and flexible), artistic and whimsical (while I lean more towards reason). She was a lot of what I lack and I was a lot of what she lacked. Our connection was at the soulful level - the part that transcends ego and unites self.

 

A few days after she ended things I was at the gym we both frequent. It was a few minutes to opening and I saw her roll by in the passenger seat of the gym uber hunk. It wasn't even 630AM so you can guess what assumptions my mind immediately drew up. I went NC and haven't looked back since, though I still think about her often.

 

Twelve months ago I was on top of the world. Six months ago I was wracked with an unforgettable pain. Today I'm doing much better. The actual heartache only lasted for a few weeks. All the other issues had crept up during the final few months of the relationship and would have been there regardless. I resolved to address those issues - still working on them. Meditation, therapy, quitting my high paying job and going back to school, a return to the healthy routine that I was on before we met ... the routine that I arrogantly discarded in the foolish belief that love would sustain me.

 

Were you a joyful guy before the relationship? If so, think back to what you were doing back then because chances are if you start doing it again you'll put yourself on a more direct path to recovery.

 

There's some pain for you yet and the best way past it is through it. Do everything you can to regain your sense of self. Right now you feel more lost than ever because a lot of your identity was tied up in the relationship. There's also an undeniable physiological withdrawal phase that will cause some unavoidable suffering. At least that part goes away on its own, though the wound can be re-opened if you continue to keep tabs on her. Go NC - it helps with the healing.

 

Wow you're relationship was so similar to mine its uncanny. This place is awesome you guys all really support and help strangers knowing there's someone out there feeling the same s*** as you. Everything you addressed was so on point and true I assume you gotta be way more experienced in the game than me. Let me know if you need anything buddy. Will go NC.

[tommy_tgz]

Those photos mean nothing! NOTHING! She MAY appear happy and out and about with new people including men but you don't know how she feels.

 

It is very common to tie a break up or heartache to the holiday season. Holidays or not - this relationship was going nowhere and you knew it! Stop looking at anything that relates to her because it is just going to hurt you and it's only perception anyway.

 

Focus on you. Trust me when I say that I know this is VERY HARD to do. Been there and I am about to go through it again. But you must take care of you.

 

Keep your head up and keep on moving. If your job is boring or bringing you down then find a new one.

 

Keep posting here for support and look to your family and friends for support.

 

You're right Kimmy. Its all about my self development and growth right now. Thanks.

[jakrbbt]

You feel like crap because it is a break-up and a loss, and you miss her, and you were hurt and betrayed. Plus you got struck in the jealousy bone, the worst of all. It is very, very normal and healthy for you to feel like ****e right now. You won't always. But come on, if you broke up and whistled through it . . . that would just be weird. Would you want your sister or best female friend dating a guy like that? So it's a good sign that you're hurting. Let yourself feel the sadness. If one night you get insomnia and can't sleep, forgive yourself. Say, "Well, last night I felt like crap once again and couldn't sleep. This is part of the process." Ironically, that is how you will get over it.

 

And I might gently suggest: Perhaps you have some ideas about "women" that are just gonna always make you hurt more. Not every woman is the same, believe you me. They (we) are as human as you. The answer to what she did, does not lie in all women being better at breakups. The answer doesn't lie in her gender. It lies in her character. You dated someone with weak character. Maybe you need to figure out why you're dating people who have no courage, no convictions, no ideals? Buddy, you don't know how to pick 'em. Counseling helps with that.

 

And I might also gently suggest: You mention that she cooked and cleaned for you and was submissive. Cooking and cleaning for you, that just infantasizes you (treats you in baby-like manner). And do you really want someone who is "submissive"? Why would you want that? Don't you want a friend and sexy lover to be partners-in-crime with, joke around with, hell, someone you can maybe admire while she mutually admires you? You can have all those things. You just had an ugly practice-run, and thank god it's over, I would say.

 

Breakups hurt worst when they are with the least-worthy people. The shallowest relationships can be the most painful breakups. You know why? Because those are the ones that involve the old ego rather than actual love and caring regard for another. When you love someone and have love with them, then there is something you still have when it's over. But when you had no real loving relationship, then you are left with a gaping hole with harsh desert winds running through it, no future at all, no connection with the person at all. Make no mistake: Ego pain is real pain. That ego is the tender-est nerve in the soul.

 

But the good news is, you have not lost anything. You've merely played out a relationship (and breakup) that highlighted some of your ego's worst fears. Conquer those. Those successful men in the pictures? Just golums for your ego. You are imagining a lot of things about those guys. You could just as easily be making some guy jealous with your picture. But if it's some external kind of success you're pining after, then now you know that. Go for that. Do something you think is successful, that will make you proud. Nurture your ego. No, not stroke it. Build it. Do some action that you believe in every day, like letting a car in in traffic or paying a bill early. I guarantee that will help a lot.

Edited November 21, 2014 by jakrbbt

[Dmoney28]

What's up Bro, I can relate to what you are dealing with. When I went through my last bad breakup 6 years ago, I was dealing with unemployment, Personal issues that required a psychologist, Alcohol dependency and I was living in my car for a few days because she kicked me out. I'm not going to lie to you, its going to rough for a while. This situation is going to test you as a Man, and is going to be either your shining moment of personal growth....or years of depression and bitterness. I suggest you use this time for personal growth and personal accomplishment. If you hate your job, take the time to retrain yourself in a field you are interested in if possible. If you are not happy with your appearance, hit the Gym like a straight up Beast. Whatever you do, don't wallow in self pity, guilt or sorrow.

 

 

Take the time to morn the relationship as if a close relative passed away.

Its okay to remember the good times, but keep it in perspective. Don't run from the pain, but embrace it. Become familiar with it, and before you know it the pain will become a dull a pain, then a irritation, then an annoyance, then it will simply become a scar that doesn't hurt anymore. And just like a physical scar, it will become a reminder of when you got hurt, and what NOT to do in your next relationship to get hurt again.

 

 

And I do agree with you about Women moving on easier...at first. The reason why I say "at first", is because in the beginning they have a strong support system. Sisters, mothers, aunts and girlfriends often assure them everything is going to be okay, they made the right decision, and tell them the things they need to hear in order to move on. Their grieving process is shorten and easier at first, but after a certain amount of time goes by, and they have NC with their Ex, those old emotions can come flooding back with a vengeance. Women as we all know are emotional by nature, and often these emotion can dictate their actions easier than a man....whose thought process is often governed by logic and straight forwardness.

 

 

Men have it rough in the beginning...im mean rough. Most of our "support" system is not much support at all. After my breakup, my friends and cousin would ask me "why are you still hung up on her"....or "Man the F up bro, and stop crying like a B!%#, its over ". Because we have to "get over" them more quickly and compartmentalize or emotions, in the long run we become apathetic much more easier

 

 

This is just my opinion. After 3 years NC, my Ex reached out to me and tried feeding "breadcrumbs". After biting a couple of times, I realized it was pointless. At the time she was married and had a kid, so there was zero reason for me to respond to her anymore. Even now she still pokes and prods me for a reaction, like a game or something. And I have remained NC....and will let my silence speak for me. Later I found out she got divorced and moved back to the area. I doubt it has anything to do with me, and I wish her the best. So don't be surprised after a extended amount of time she contacts you. But at that point, so much time will have passed, it will become an annoyance rater than a "blessing" as you first. hoped for in the beginning. Be strong, work on yourself, and show the universe the Awesome person you are and will become.

[tommy_tgz]

You guys are all awesome people for all the great advice. I'm glad we are all in the same boat and still trying to swim. After breaking NC and seeing how happy she looks on social media and moving on, it really set me back. NC is for the best, people on here and many other therapists don't advise it because it's bull****..its for our own protection during the healing phase. I was doing much better before I broke NC.

I came across a post of the infamous No Foolin and learned about Borderline Personality Disorder. A couple more google searches with symptoms and evidence led me to the conclusion that my ex was one of these women. I had red flags and doubts in my mind all along from the start but she had charmed me with her kind and nurturing favors combined with sexual allure. She was readily available for sex and would please me in anyway. She idealized me and told me I was the best, while my savior complex kicks in. Then I learned that men who are attracted to BPD women had some sort of childhood issues. I have never met my father and always had insecurity issues over it. I've grown out of them for the most part but still notice I love it when a woman gives me all her attention and makes me her world. Yet that same desire is deadly and a curse when you date a BPD woman.

Yesterday was tough after about 2 weeks of NC, but I'm slowly learning to accept what kind of person my ex was now that I am armed with the knowledge of BPD. I did not have any idea of this condition before I met her. She was not what I expected at all, and her infidelity in the end prompted me to end the relationship with her. She went into a fury and accused me of abuse and beating her. This was the "hate stage" for a BPD woman. I made my mistakes in the relationship I'm not perfect but women who possess this disorder will never think they did anything wrong and that they are angels. That you are the cause of their problems and issues because you failed to satisfy their needs. These women are also very attractive and that creates a fatal attraction combination. Watch out for this stuff guys, its no joke and a tough break up following.

You people rock, stick to NC and work on yourself. I'm grinding it out little by little every day.

Live Well.

[Chin Up]

Well tommy, you and I can be break up buddies since I was unceremoniously tossed aside in mid october. I'm the female dumpee however so I may be able to provide some insight. MAY.

 

First off, don't start playing arm chair psychiatrist and labeling her with all sorts of issues. It's not fair to her, or yourself. I did that in the first few weeks of my breakup and I'll be damned if he wasn't bi-polar, narcissistic, BPD, aspergers, ADHD, OCD..whatever, he had it all lol. All I did was minimalize what we had and who he was as a person, by shoving him in a shoe-box with some kind of label.

My ex was a good kind man. He wasn't perfect and he made mistakes, and so did I. It was hard for me to accept he wanted out, so I thought..well what the heck is wrong with him? and that thought went literal and to cope I went on a mission to find a reason/diagnosis for him leaving me so I didnt have to accept he did it because he wanted to (ouch). Theres nothing wrong with him. we're just wrong for each other.

 

So as I said, being on the flip side of your situation. I'm totally gutted over my breakup. I reached out to him a few times after the split, just to have my hand politely slapped away. To the outside world, life's great! It most likely appears I'm having the time of my life and this break up was the best thing that ever happened to me. We have no mutual friends or social media so he's completely unaware of what I'm up to, but to him it would appear I was living it up, he's the last thing on my mind and that I don't miss him one speck. I'd want him to think that, too, because I'd rather him see that than the reality of how i'm REALLY doing:

 

Laying in bed with crumpled tissues everywhere. Hair sticking out in every possible direction from a half fallen out pony tail. red rimmed and dark circled eyes. red crusty nostrils from blowing my nose so much. dried pizza sauce on my jammies from last nights junk food bender. Random fits of anxiety that leave me trembling. Forcing myself out of bed to go to work, then being withdrawn or snappy at coworkers and then hiding in a washroom cubicle for a random boohoo. thinking about/missing him constantly and feeling like utter and worthless crap wondering why he let me go and doesn't seem to miss me or care. Worrying I was left for someone else, or he's already met someone..and worse..she's better than me. It takes nothing short of super human strength for me to get out there and "live it up", but i know I have to because life goes on and I feel a bit better each time I do.

 

The last thing I want is for him to have the satisfaction of knowing how hurt I feel and that I mostly sit around a crumpled mess. His ego would go through the roof and I'd feel even more pathetic. sigh.

 

What you see during breakups, isn't what you get. I can bet you dollars to donut holes that she's wondering/fearing the same things about you!

 

Edit: and I'm not saying she does not have issues, but don't use a hypothetical diagnosis as a crutch cuz you may be waaay off base and it could make things worse. My friend convinced herself her ex was a sociopath and she looked a big fool for it in end. She turned out looking like the nutty one lol.

Edited November 27, 2014 by Chin Up
After thought.

[tommy_tgz]

Hey Chin Up,

 

Thanks for the reply, you sound like a great woman I'm not sure why he would break it off with you. Both of our relationships ended mid-October too. But right now I'm fighting every day. I've done a lot of things to expunge her and try to not have a trace that she was here. But without a doubt certain moments I miss her so effin much. Its sometimes not even just missing her but missing having someone there, and that's because I was never at the phase of wishing her back I was past that from the start. I'm not wishin her back but I do miss having a sweet feminine woman right next to me. I'm on the monumental path of self-improvement before I ever do get back in a relationship with another girl though. Whatever she's doing is no longer my business.

 

Thanks for sharing your female perspective, you're probably a smart attractive woman

[Chin Up]

That's def the nice thing about this place. You can unload to your hearts content without having to worry. I drove my friends and family nuts for the first couple weeks. They're sick of hearing his name, I'm sure.

 

It weirdly made me feel better after I read this thread because our situations are so similar. When I first started reading it i was like "ohhhh sh*t, is this my ex???" hahaha then I got to the part about the lies and online guys. nope.

 

Like you, I sit here feeling all kinds of rotten. It's hard! You lose a lover AND a friend. So there's missing the person to no end, but then mourning the relationship. What was, what you had, and what could have been. No wonder people struggle with getting out of bed during breakups. "Do i feel like getting over this enormous mountain of crap today? nope." *roll back over and sleep more*

 

So thank you for the male perspective, as well! I get it in my head that he doesn't think of me or miss me at all. He was so casual about the split, and he's made no effort to contact me since (tho he does reply if I shoot him the odd text) so I figure he's totally indifferent and he thinks about me as often as he thinks about quantum physics. Makes me feel like I was never that special to him and he's going about his life like I never even happened.

 

It's nice to know that he may actually be thinking about all this and struggling with feelings of his own. Not that i like the idea of him suffering, because i don't! But if he's feeling like you are, I get comfort in knowing I wasn't so easy to cast aside like an old sock.

 

Mountain of crap just got a bit smaller