5 Year Relationship End

[InSoMuchPain]

Hey all,

 

This place can be real comforting to read through as I go through NC.

 

I'm a 21 y/o F, dumped by a 26 y/o M after 5 years. We're from different cultures. Perhaps a case of GIGS where he said "We're growing apart". This is where I was left blindsided and unable to comprehend. I'm just about in the home stretch finishing nursing school and this happens. I cried, I panicked, and felt worthless.

 

All I do is eat, sleep, study, and go out to the movies with him when we have free time. He works a 9-5 in the day while I'm at school or at home studying. I'm pretty much tunnel visioned where my career, family, and him were my priority. I was once appreciated by him by how hard I worked, and how well I do in school.

 

There was no solid answer why he left me, but he made it seem as if it were an array of reasons. He said I was a contributing factor (bad attitude, *itchyness).

Now, the real backstory - I have noticed a spiral of downward events up until this breakup. He says he is unhappy with his career (wants better salary, be financially stable to get married), he is being sued for damaging an expensive sports car, recently got into his 9th car accident, is essentially in debt by spending on things he cannot afford. I really did voice my opinion on these events (drive carefully, don't spend) - and perhaps this is what he calls me being a 8itch.

 

Just within the last 6 months, he said he wanted to marry me, that I would be his future wife, invited my family and I to his sister's wedding to meet the entire family where my family gave a large lump sum of wedding $$$ - So this is were I felt really confused, as if he made the decision to leave me overnight.

 

4 months ago - I invited him to a family vacation and this is where he claims he lost it. Apparently, I made him insecure about his image and that we argued a lot.

 

During the break up, he voiced - "The last 2 years with you was the most terrible experience" - yet only within the last 6 months he said the above?

 

2 weeks prior to the "final" breakup - he wanted to break up then until I begged for him not to and to think about it. I initiated NC for one day to wake up to a message saying "we are meant to be, you can tell through our families, i just want you to be there for me, and support me, i love you with every little bit that is left in me and I hope it is enough to fill that void in your heart" - and that is exactly what I did for the following two weeks, I tried to be amazing. A day before the "final" break up he said "you have been amazing the last 2 weeks, but nothing has changed and I still feel the same, we have grown apart"

 

During the day BEFORE the "final" break up - I was hopeless and I knew the inevitable was going to happen tomorrow. I panicked and signed up on an online dating site seeking for something like him (I was crying, I felt my heart was ripped out and desperate for affection at this point). I forgot to mention I met my ex through online dating as well. I immediately deactivated because I felt shameful....

 

We met online to find that we both are kind of introverted (no clubs, no drinking, no huge circle of friends) - we really enjoyed each other's company during the high and good times.

 

The day of the break up - I finally came to grips and said that I appreciated his decision, and told him, that if I let who I love go, and he returns, then it is meant to be. He was crying to me, thanking me that I supported his decision, and that I was the longest and most serious relationships he had. I tried holding my tears and made myself sound stern. This part is what KILLS me as I attempt NC everyday - he says "if you need anyone to confide in, you can talk to me". He then said something along the lines of - "we MIGHT be together 3 years from now, who knows, where we are better people for each other". He mentioned that fact that he found me on the online dating site and that I "already put myself out there" (when in fact I did this out of sheer panic as stated above) - and that he did not want to hear my explanation. He said that I should date and try to move on and that he doesn't want to see me hurt by the men on the site - and that he voiced he was going to start dating as well.

 

I think I really messed up signing up for the site - things don't seem what they appear

 

I've been NC 14 days now, hitting the gym, trying to do schoolwork, shared this experience with friends who cared to ask, etc.

 

I just want to know if it is worth reconciling considering the amount of significant events within the last 6 months?

 

Apparently he has given me way too many chances but I don't ever recall them being communicated to me - but when I asked for an "honest attempt" he rejects it and broke it off.

 

I am confused, and hurt, and really worrying that I am still in my recovery period while trying to study for my licensing exams.

 

I really, really want to be with him. Reconcile before its too late. I thought I had everything going - good future career, good stable relationship. Everything is falling apart. He even said in 2 months prior breakup, after an argument of ignoring each other for 2 days that "even after this argument - I cannot see myself without you"

 

Help please I don't know how to approach it

[flightplan]

Despite all that you wrote, you still "really, really want to be with him"? Because this is this the height of a "great" relationship? This is the best there is for you? There's not another man out there that can hold a candle to this guy?

 

Can you be happy being alone? Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship in the first place... and then, why him? Are you in this because you don't want to be alone? I mean, I'm reading your story and wandering why on earth is this fulfilling?

 

Your so young to be committing yourself to something so questionable. What's wrong with focusing on yourself, your career, without the headache of a guy who probably hasn't matured enough into a man to know what he wants out of life?

[InSoMuchPain]

Despite all that you wrote, you still "really, really want to be with him"? Because this is this the height of a "great" relationship? This is the best there is for you? There's not another man out there that can hold a candle to this guy?

 

Can you be happy being alone? Ask yourself why you want to be in a relationship in the first place... and then, why him? Are you in this because you don't want to be alone? I mean, I'm reading your story and wandering why on earth is this fulfilling?

 

Your so young to be committing yourself to something so questionable. What's wrong with focusing on yourself, your career, without the headache of a guy who probably hasn't matured enough into a man to know what he wants out of life?

 

Thank you - it seems continuous reminders of things like this helps me heal...

[GoBlue]

I know how hard break-ups can be. You guys have been together for quite a long time and you were pretty young when this thing started. From the mind of another man, I want you to know that he didn't just come up with this recently. Most people who break up after being with someone for a long time have been thinking about it for a while. The "reasons" he gave you and the phrase "maybe we'll be together in three years" are typical kinds of things that are said when trying to break up with someone but still be friendly or nice.

 

The honest truth is that it's better to break-up now than to get married and break-up after that. This is the only person you have been with since the age of 16. Of course you thought you would marry him. Even though your heart is truly broken, time and intentionality will bring you a healthy recovery. Someone is going to come along and treat you like the queen of their world (don't dare settle for less!). My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

[InSoMuchPain]

Thank you GoBlue for your kind words.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know how hard break-ups can be. You guys have been together for quite a long time and you were pretty young when this thing started. From the mind of another man, I want you to know that he didn't just come up with this recently. Most people who break up after being with someone for a long time have been thinking about it for a while. The "reasons" he gave you and the phrase "maybe we'll be together in three years" are typical kinds of things that are said when trying to break up with someone but still be friendly or nice.

 

The honest truth is that it's better to break-up now than to get married and break-up after that. This is the only person you have been with since the age of 16. Of course you thought you would marry him. Even though your heart is truly broken, time and intentionality will bring you a healthy recovery. Someone is going to come along and treat you like the queen of their world (don't dare settle for less!). My thoughts and prayers are with you. Blessings!

 

Read this part carefully, OP. I agree with what this poster is saying (though I'm a woman) because I've been in the dumper's shoes. Generally this is something that's been building for a while, and you two have likely been drifting in opposite directions for some time. As the others said, you are extremely young and haven't experienced other relationships yet. It's going to hurt for a while, but you will eventually begin closing this chapter. And you'll likely be grateful that you did so.

 

For the time being, focus on you. I would try (and I know it's very hard) to put reconciliation out of your mind for a while. He doesn't sound overly interested in getting back together at this point, so you need to make yourself more comfortable by keeping contact to an absolute minimum. However, I would perhaps listen to him when he says the guys on the dating site might hurt you. Not because they're bad people, necessarily, but because you're very vulnerable right now.

 

I promise, it does eventually get easier. Take care of yourself