moonlightpath Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Growing up I was always told the guy should pay for dates. But my boyfriend thinks otherwise. Often he gets irked if I don't offer to pay for things when we go out places. I do pay for some of our outings but mostly he does. A couple months ago we went to the zoo. He probably spent about $200 for the whole day out. -Food, tickets, bridge toll, parking, gas, etc. Later on that day he started acting like something was bothering him. I asked him what was wrong and of course he said he was fine. But then a while later he told me he doesn't like how I never offer to pay. It made me kinda mad because he was the one who suggested we go to the zoo. Why would he invite me somewhere if he didn't want to pay for it? I think if you can't afford to go somewhere or just don't want to spend the money then you shouldn't go and you shouldn't invite someone along with you. I assumed he was okay with paying since he invited me. Some of you may completely disagree with me but I don't believe men should expect women to pay for dates unless they agree on it beforehand. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I don't think the guy should pay unless he wants to. Expecting him to do so as a matter of course is outdated in poor taste in my opinion. However, the fact that he's your boyfriend changes things a little bit. Some guys are more than happy to pay for things for a proper girlfriend as opposed to just someone they're casually hanging out with, but obviously he's uncomfortable with this dynamic. Much as you've said, "if you can't afford to go somewhere or just don't want to spend the money then you shouldn't go" I believe that you shouldn't agree to go if you can't pay despite being invited. At the very least you should be able to comfortably cover your own portion. The question is, since this has proven to be such an issue for you both, why aren't you discussing the payment situation beforehand? Does you want you to pay for you both or just pay your own way? 4
carhill Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 If he's constantly doing the inviting, planning and paying, then the relationship is appearing a bit one-sided, in that you're merely letting him do everything. However, if you're inviting, planning and paying for some of the dates, then things begin to appear more balanced. When he communicated that 'you never offer to pay', then that's an excellent opportunity to take the initiative, plan a date that you feel he will enjoy, and treat him. It doesn't have to be a 200.00 date like the one you outlined. Use your imagination. Good luck!
GemmaUK Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 If I was calling him 'my boyfriend' then he deserves the respect that goes with love so it's shared. If I don't share then I am showing him for the future that I don't take responsibility. When dating if he takes me out then I take him out next time. He may take me out more if he earns more but even so I play my part as much as I can. It's just respectful...and loving....actually.
mortensorchid Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I think the man should pay for things, be it a meal or a drink or whatever else. If you are going out on a certain outing which is going to be expensive like your zoo outing, it's ok if the woman pays for something along the way (tolls, some food, etc.) but most of it should fall on the man. If he thinks otherwise, well ... He might be miserly and cheap. And that's a bad feeling when you are with someone who is miserly and cheap. He'll be just as miserly and cheap with other things in your relationship as well that cannot be measured with how much you do or don't spend. Love, after all, doesn't cost a thing. 1
Author moonlightpath Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 I’m not saying I NEVER pay. I do pay for some things but not everything. When we first started seeing each other at one point he expected me to pay for gas. We were not even a couple back then. I ALWAYS pay when I suggest we should go out. Since I’m the one who suggests it. But when he suggests going out I assume he can afford it and is okay with paying.
Assasda Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Growing up I was always told the guy should pay for dates. I'm just wondering who told you that 2
me85 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 There are no rules. Yes, a gentlemen never lets the lady pay. But the gentleman would love for a lady to offer and insist that she pay. Since you're with one of those guys who whines about "you hardly pay for our dates" (i've dated 3 different guys like that) which is BS. I paid plenty of times, it was just never enough. AND it got to the point (when I was barely getting by, but THEY wanted to go out to dinner) and make a comment that I hardly pay. I always hated that because they knew I wasn't making a lot of money and THEY were the ones wanting to go out!
Author moonlightpath Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 My father told me that.
insert_name Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I think the man should pay for things, be it a meal or a drink or whatever else. If you are going out on a certain outing which is going to be expensive like your zoo outing, it's ok if the woman pays for something along the way (tolls, some food, etc.) but most of it should fall on the man. If he thinks otherwise, well ... He might be miserly and cheap. And that's a bad feeling when you are with someone who is miserly and cheap. He'll be just as miserly and cheap with other things in your relationship as well that cannot be measured with how much you do or don't spend. Love, after all, doesn't cost a thing. I think it would be a compliment to be considered miserly and cheap by a woman who expects everything yet contributes nothing - it would show me that she has no grasp on the concept of irony...and I love irony so it would be a dealbreaker. 1
carhill Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 How does he express his feelings when you invite him on a date, plan it and pay for it? By 'how', I mean tone. As examples of extremes, is he gushing about your generosity, inventiveness and intuition or is it more 'well, it's about time!'? In between? What? In relationships, synergy is important, where both parties feel positive about the feelings, actions, and motives of their partner. As an example, again of extremes, of a date, from a guy's perspective - lady takes me to lunch and we go window-shopping at the mall afterwards because, well, she needs some new clothes. Alternatively, lady buys tickets to the Friday night races and surprises me - 'We're going to the car races tonight' In my generation, dating, I got a lot of the former and very little of the latter and, overwhelmingly, I paid for it all, simply because that was the gender assignment in my generation. Younger folks have more options and, hence, things can be more complex. Usually, clear communication resolves it, one way or another.
insert_name Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 My father told me that. I have a feeling that if your father told you that the woman always pays you would not have listened to him quite so attentively... 1
WomenWubber Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The one who invites should pay (or offer to pay at the very least), unless it's clear beforehand it's going to be a shared expense. That's good manners. This applies to any situation, not just dating. 3
Puie Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 The one who invites should pay (or offer to pay at the very least), unless it's clear beforehand it's going to be a shared expense. That's good manners. This applies to any situation, not just dating. If you're going to invite friends out to eat and hang out, are you going to pay everything? It's kind of assumed that everyone going to pay for themselves. And why must the man pay for everything? 2
CrystalCastles Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 If you're going to invite friends out to eat and hang out, are you going to pay everything? It's kind of assumed that everyone going to pay for themselves. And why must the man pay for everything? I think friendships and relationships aren't the same thing. When I invite my friends out, its more of a suggestion like "hey I heard of this event, wanna go?" and I assume they pay for themselves. Otherwise they are free to refuse. When I invite my boyfriend somewhere, I pay for us both unless he insists. The man doesn't have to pay for everything. Not everyone thinks that way. I personally prefer alternating, and I plan dates based on how much I can afford.
WomenWubber Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 If you're going to invite friends out to eat and hang out, are you going to pay everything? It's kind of assumed that everyone going to pay for themselves. And why must the man pay for everything? I don't like to assume anything. If I want them to pay by themselves, then I will make that clear beforehand. But if I can afford it and I really want them to go, then sure I'm going to invite them and pay for everything. Also read my post again. Where did I say men must pay for everything?
TigerLilly78 Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 If he invites you out then he should have considered how much it would cost and have been fully ready to spend this thats how ive always thought it was when ever I invited some one to join me for the day I would pay. This includes friends if I asked them to join me for lets say lunch and shopping I always picked up the lunch bill in full. what ever they want to buy shopping is on them. I dont view dateing as any different however that said if the bill for our day out was 200 or over I would def try to offer something as I wouldn't feel right and if I was broke to the point of not being able to ide prob not go.
Els Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 There is no 'should', only compatibility. Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible in this aspect. BTW your zoo outing cost $200?? How much is the ticket there?? Ours would cost $80 tops including lunch. 1
Copelandsanity Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) The best relationships I've been in were ones in which expenses weren't tracked, but the desire or effort to contribute was equal. Where we both felt like we were a team. It could be that he's cheap. No doubt that if a guy invites a girl on a date, he should pay. But it could also be that he may feel that you're not contributing enough to the relationship altogether, so the money is coming into play since you're already not contributing enough there. Edited November 21, 2014 by Copelandsanity
Nyc_user Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 (edited) If someone invites you out and u don't offer to pay or give your share then don't expect to go out that often with that person, because sooner or later s/he'll get tired of it (unless the person is rich ). When you go out don't expect the other person to pay for everything, but make sure u have enough money so u could pay yourself or pay part of the bill. Even if you don't pay, offering to pay is meaningful Edited November 21, 2014 by Nyc_user
Ruby Slippers Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 I went on a first date last weekend. He asked me out to lunch and coffee, and I suggested just coffee - because this was an OLD date, and I didn't want either of us spending a bunch of money on a stranger. Then he goes, "Well, why don't we just get a glass of water?" So I agreed to the lunch and coffee, and it was nice. He chose a nice place, went all out, and it was never a question that he would pay the bill. The waitress even put it on the table next to him out of my reach. He's the MAN.
Nyc_user Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 I went on a first date last weekend. He asked me out to lunch and coffee, and I suggested just coffee - because this was an OLD date, and I didn't want either of us spending a bunch of money on a stranger. Then he goes, "Well, why don't we just get a glass of water?" So I agreed to the lunch and coffee, and it was nice. He chose a nice place, went all out, and it was never a question that he would pay the bill. The waitress even put it on the table next to him out of my reach. He's the MAN. Is what waiters/waitresses do.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 Who should pay the bill?? That's simple: Whoever extended the invitation pays the bill??? 1
Author moonlightpath Posted November 21, 2014 Author Posted November 21, 2014 There is no 'should', only compatibility. Sounds like the two of you aren't compatible in this aspect. BTW your zoo outing cost $200?? How much is the ticket there?? Ours would cost $80 tops including lunch. Living in the Bay Area is expensive. We also had lunch at the zoo that was pretty pricy. Then he insisted on buying bottled water instead of taking the bottle he already had in the car. And on top of that he insisted on buying weak coffee that wasn't even worth the price. I know its his money but he's not careful with his money at all. Most of the time when we go to Starbucks I pay. But every time we go he drinks about 1/4 of his drink and then throws it away! He's always wasting food and drinks. Which is why I sometimes do not offer to pay. But lately I have been just asking for to-go boxes when we go out. Or I will take his Starbucks drink and refrigerate it for the next day to drink myself. Maybe this is all silly but I hate when anyone wastes food since a lot of people in other countries aren't fortunate enough to have anything to eat.
todreaminblue Posted November 21, 2014 Posted November 21, 2014 I think its good manners to offer ....especially when you know it is expensive.....i prefer to go dutch on dates so i dont feel like i have been bought......especially expensive dates......i like to pay my way...ill even pay theirs......if they pick up the tab next time.......i would not ...not offer to pay......to me its presumptuous to expect someone to pay for you...you are right it should be discussed before hand......but thats on you to open the conversation in the future before heading out....will stop further misgivings on both of you...seeing how you feel it should have been mentioned before ...mention it next time....best wishes...........deb 1
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