Can you be friends with an ex?

[mannon]

I was with my ex for 5 years lived with her for 4 she left me 3 months ago. Throughout our relationship we had ups and downs but more good times much more than bad and i dont think she would have been with me for 5 years if it was so bad. The bad times were because of alcohol and pills and the way i was at times my attitude towards her less affection but she too was negative about little things that led to bickering. I was never a lush with them and hid it from her. I had these issues on and off however the last 6 months of our relationship there were 2 incidents arguments that led to her leaving me. She left me for another guy. She had met a guy and left me a week after she met the guy.

 

The first 2 months after she left i tried to get her back texting emailing and called her sometimes. She did call me the first month her and there on her own account. Even a month after our breakup she agreed to see me for dinner when we saw each other she was affectionate towards me kissing me holding my hand like it was the first time we met. Then after the next day she said it was a mistake. She then said i want to be friends and shell always be there for me and bla bla.

 

A month later she calls me i then said to myself she must have broke up with the new guy which she admitted she did however it was a fight. She saw me the next day almost didnt when i texted her the next day but she did and we saw each other i knew by her that day trying to cancel she must have made up with the guy which she did but she still saw me. Anyway i tried to tell her i was sorry and told her i hid the pills issue from her for the last year. She said she kind of new but was still emotional. i got emotional i told her nothing was her fault. i didnt hug her we did hold hands at the dinner table when we left i said bye i didnt hug her i just wanted to show her that i could be her friend even though yes i wanted her back. I put my fingers through her hair and said i love you and she said everything was ok she wasnt made at me for lying and in a sense it seemed we would just stay friends. All in all i wanted to get back with her however i was willing to accept just being her friend and talking to her here and there. I realized we ended up being more or less friends anyway in the last 6 months of our relationship. I did stop doing pills i got in shape lost 40 pounds which she saw.

 

So anyway after that about a month ago i text her the next day in the morning and she said everything was fine no hate and she would text me later i just wanted to finish the convo we were having. I tried to text her again and she ignored me and kept ignoring and i have not talked to her since. She has read emails ive writtend to her asking her why she vanished. Why did she say shed always be a friend and be there for me to vanishing? was it because i lied she said she knew i had the issue.

 

The new guy she is seeing she only sees on weekends and he lives 4 hours from her so why would it even hurt her to send me an emailing explaining why she vanished? i dont get it? I even said fine if you want me out of your life fine and she still wouldnt respond and tell me why it went from we would just be friends as in maybe saying hi every few weeks to completely just throwing me out of her life? I cannot come to terms with this . Our relationship really wasnt all that bad towards the end yes it was. But why cant she just atleast tell me why she couldnt even be a friend why she said she was going to work out us being friends and why she just vanished? Is this a tactic dont people deserve closure no matter what faults there was in a relationship. I mean shes the one who cheated on me. Also when she was with me she talked to exs as friends and she even said to me i talk to my other ex as a friend and i was even ok with it. cant people be friends that were in relationships with one another?

[dumbass2]

In most all cases you cannot be "just" friends with an ex. Maybe if you were married a long time and did develop a tight friendship as well as being lovers and haven't seen each other for years and you've both moved on. The key is that you've "both" moved on. If one has moved on and the other still has those feelings, then you cannot be friends. If someone is staying in contact with their ex's and they had a physical intimate relationship, there is a very good chance that they may stay in contact for the sex. You will have no way of knowing 100% if they are seeing their ex and having sex with them. It could be a 30 minute get together here and there without you even knowing. People do lie. She can say they are just friends, but I'm telling you that it is rarely rarely ever the case.

 

In your case you should go NC and try to move on. I don't see anything good for you with this right now. There is absolutely no way 100% positive that you cannot just be friends with her. You are going to want more than that. Do not kid yourself.

[loversquarrel]

Not really. It's not a good idea to remain friends with someone you have had a relationship with. Friendly? Exchange pleasantries? Sure, but not frifriends. You are experiencing why that won't work, you want more.

 

From a personal stand point, I stay away from women that remain friendly with ex's. There just is no reason for it and there will always be a past string that is not fully severed.

[me85]

It would be ideal if we could be friends with past lovers but 9 x out of 10 that just doesn't work. One of the two always wants to get back together. I can't tell you how many times my ex and I have said goodbye, wished each other well and wrote each other off. After 16 months of being officially BU it really is the end of keeping in touch with one another. He's so up and down, back and forth and typically uses me for attention he isn't getting from his gf.

 

 

With "friends" like that who needs enemies?? I'm sorry you're hurting. I fully understand what you're going through. I too, was cheated on and then some. I promise if you just keep focusing on bettering yourself and your life that you'll eventually be truly happy and feel indifferent about your ex.

 

 

She probably disappeared because she got caught by her bf about contacting you and she doesn't want to lose him so she is trying to do right by him now.

[RedButton]

As someone said above, I think it's possible, but it will take a lot of time for both of you to 'get over' each other and move on first. Even then it'll depend on the two people, sometimes they just won't be able to be friends ever I think.

[Quest]

I've never managed it but I've seen it done. One woman I know is still really friendly with her ex but he's always seen her when he's with his 'new' partner and so the boundaries are really clear. She's good friends with both her ex and his partner. She doesn't and hasn't ever wanted to be back with him again so that helps too. Also, it was a long relationship they had and they kind of 'grew up' together. Like loversquarrel I've always found it difficult being with someone who wants to see their ex or exes. It's a red flag for me. But that's because they've not been like my friend's ex partner who never left his new partner in any doubt about the relationship he had with my friend and always included his new partner his friendship.

[STM206]

It's all situational. However most people that end up on Loveshack were usually dumped without any warning, without respect for what they once had... So why WOULD you want to revive a friendship that was betrayed in the first place? If they are capable of treating you like that when they were once "in love" with you then a friendship would just be forced, awkward and end up the same way as it did the first time around.

[Jenmarie]

Yes, you can be friends with an ex. But not when someone has feelings for the other. I'm good friends with my first serious boyfriend/first love. We were together for a year, and the break up hurt really bad. I even chased him for four months when he broke up with me, but he insisted that he just wanted to be friends (but gave me the whole 'I'm in love with you but I can't be with you' stuff). I went NC eventually and healed, and we became friends when I was with someone new and was 100% better. This was about 4-5 years ago. I've had 2 long term relationships since then.

 

Now we're strictly just friends. We play video games together and talk pretty regularly, and I'm here for him when he goes through break ups and what not. It feels good because he was my first love and I got to keep him in my life in a way, but I got to move on and grow from the experience.

 

However, it's not going to happen until you're 100% over the person entirely and vice versa. Being friends with an ex when someone has feelings is just too complicated, heartbreaking and messy.

[d0nnivain]

Not yet.

 

20 years after the fact I bumped into a EX from grad school. I had seen him less than a dozen times over the past 2 decades but they were always relatively pleasant chats which got easier as time passed.

 

He needed help with a work project. I was available & had the specialized skills his company needed. We made it work so I suppose we're "friends" now but not 3 months after the break up. At that point I think I was still crying on a regular basis.