tryme Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) Hi all, This has been paining me for a while so i decided to write here and get your thoughts. Sorry for the lengthy post, i just wanted to be thorough and give you as much information as i can. Here it goes... I met this girl one night in late march. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and was crying and i took her home, we talked and slept together. Since then we saw either other about one or twice a week on a casual basis for 3 months. Slept together every time, and she seemed genuinely into me. She would bring wine every time we got together, treat us to dinner, and even offered and did my laundry. Sex was amazing too. I slowly started falling for her but also had my guard up because she would be on her phone a lot and often act weird (sleep on the sofa, leave in the morning after we spent the night). On our 3rd month of knowing each other i had the talk asked her if she wanted to cement our relationship and be committed. she said its ok if i talk to other girls. i got mad and asked her what does that mean and if kissing or sleeping is ok to her. then i told her in very strong tone that that would not be ok with me. She said thats ok, and that i could if i felt i needed that. Later on the way home she started crying and said she still hasn't fully gotten over issues with her ex. That weekend, we had plans to get together sat night and i said i'm going to a friends bday party (didn't invite her). she said ok i'll make other plans. That night as i was out i saw her walking with another guy. i confronter her (buzzed), she said she was sober and the DD to her friends and she's driving them home. i asked if she's coming back and she said probably not. I was devastated as i saw her walk away. The next day she called me, came over, we talked she apologized said she felt sick about it and we cemented our bf/gf status. That was the end of june. We started to get closer, went on trips, and she told me she's falling for me. In august one night i felt we were a little off, and checked her phone, something i've never done before despite my suspicions. I found out that she has been texting/talking to her ex almost every day. While recent conversations it was very mundane, going back to jun/july it was sexual in nature. I woke her up confronted her, and asked her if she had anything to confess, she said no. i called her a lier and kicked her out. she came back crying but i told her i didn't want to talk to her. she tried to reach out throughout the weekend but i ignored her. We talked on the phone couple days later, almost as a breakup talk. she apologized for everything and repeatedly said she did not cheat on me. i told her her ex was using her and she should stop communicating with him for her sake and she said she would. we met the next day for me to pick up my stuff and we had a long talk on the couch. i asked her to confess to everything that had transpired until now. she was reluctant but i told her this is all or nothing. She told me she had met with a guy she used to date during our first month of knowing each other, got drunk and slept with him.. but did not sleep with him the night i saw her walking with him. She said she drove him they talked and that was it. She also confenced that the infamous ex came over early in may and they slept together as well. She said she thought i was seeing other people at the time. She also said she was naked facetiming that ex from time to time until she ended that in august. They were still talking platonically though. She said she was in love with him for the longest time (she had 3 bfs since then and maintained touch with him throughout all that time). and at the beginning when we met she was lost, didn't have a job, and thought about moving away from the city so she was not sure what was gonna happen with her or her life. She said she didn't think the facetiming was cheating because it wasn't physical, and confessed she was doing it while in a relationship with past boyfriends. She said that what she thought relationships were supposed to be like until she met me, and i believe her. She said she sees now how wrong it was and cant say sorry enough and that it will never happen now. It was the hardest thing i ever had to hear.... she said none of this has been happening for months now. We had sex.. feww days later we started to see each other again and talk a lot. she wanted to make it work. She told me she told him she doesn't want to talk with him anymore, and blocked his number. We've talked every day.. serious tough talks abotu what had happened. We said "i love you" together shortly after that and she did something with me she's never done with anyone before. we wrote "trust rules" that include not communicating with any exes, complete access to phone email etc. which she completely agreed to. she even got a droid (like me) to leave the iphone stuff in the past. We are in the best place we've even been, talking all the time, spending every night together, saying i love you, she takes care of my every need and really seems to trying to make it work. She said that she realized what i meant for her that night after we broke up when we talked and we both confessed about our past. She agreed to talk to a couples therapist together and do what it takes to make it right. She keeps saying that none of the past stuff will ever happen again, that she's different now, thanks to me and what she's learned about relationships ( she had a bad experience in college, and in relationships before). I should note that i wasn't perfect either, but not to that extent. Also, after everything came out i did call her a disgusting whore, which i regret saying. It's been two months now of us spending every day together, almost perfectly. every time i seem upset she will ask to talk (even though she feels very uncomfortable with it) and willing to do anything that will help reduce the triggers i get. She told me she believes i'm the one for her (with her reasons), and loves me more than anything (she wasn't like that before So we've been at it like that for 2 months now. We have plans to celebrate our december birthdays and booked our first real vacation to PR together. Now... i love what we have and i love her and where we are. she said she's even being standoffish to guy co-workers to not be emotionally attached to anyone else but me. (she used to be very flirty before). I look at her phone records online every so often and she talks to no other guys. We are great now and she's doing everything right but the past still haunts me. I don't know what i should do?? it makes me upset every time i think that i was falling for her and she was cavalier with my emotions and invested in her ex. But on the other hand she chose me over everyone and has never cut off talking with her exes and she has with me. She keep saying i am everything to her now. I do love her and want to give it a second chance especially since it feels different. But i often wonder if there's more she's not telling me but how do i forgive and forget the past? Should i? Edited November 20, 2014 by tryme
beautifulinside2 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 While others may disagree. I believe her past transgressions have already been addressed. You two implemented what seems to be a transparent relationship and as a result you have progressed past her transgressions and by the way you also admitted that you were not completely innocent. If you want any chance at real love with this woman, you will put the past behind and FAST, otherwise it is doom to failure. There can be no relationship without trust.
CarrieT Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Break up with her. Her past are not "transgressions" against YOU - who wasn't even in her life then. They are exactly that: Her Past and it is what has made her who she is today. But you can't see that and are dwelling on being "haunted" by something and somebody that doesn't exist. Do her a favor and leave her to someone who is not so judgmental. 2
d0nnivain Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 She engaged in behavior you didn't like. You two talked about & created trust rules. You seemed to have moved forward & now say you are in the "best place" If you want to stay there you have to let go of the past, especially before she promised exclusivity to you, and deal with her behavior now.
Author tryme Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 (edited) Thank you for the replies. What you're saying does make sense. Though Carrie some of those transgressions happened while we were already committed (July August).. so i wouldn't be so harsh. What haunts me is not so much as what happened in the past, but how do i build that trust again? There was disregard for my feelings and a lot of dishonesty. How can we move forward knowing this is will not happen in the future. I don't want to be burned again 6 months, a year, or 5 years from now. Can all that have happened be gone never to return, or is this a symptom that may come back in the future? That's what i'm trying to reconcile. Is this (painful) learning experience that made us strong today, or are these red flags that should be addressed? And yes we're putting it behind, but is talking about what made us make those decisions bad? i'm a believer in talking about the past to learn for the future.. but does it work better for some people to just let lying dogs lie and move on? Edited November 20, 2014 by tryme
acrosstheuniverse Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 I don't think you can trust her again. Like you say, she did stuff with someone else while she was with YOU. I don't buy the 'she didn't know what a relationship was and now we're together she understands and wants to be faithful', I really don't. As an adult female, who has had other relationships, she knows full well what's expected. Nobody with two brain cells thinks that naked facetiming is okay. People just say 'I thought it was okay because it's not physical!' because they got found out. I think based on her telling you she didn't mind if you saw other girls, she was lukewarm about you from the beginning and likely still is. People don't throw away an awesome thing when they find it, even if they're still getting past a previous relationship. Sounds like she took you very much for granted and sorry, but if you have to have this level of transparency, checking her phone etc, then you know deep down she can't be trusted. You can't rein somebody in what that kind of cheating character permanently, they will always find a way. And I'm sorry but she possibly sees you as a doormat for being willing to stay with her. Plus it wasn't a one off. She cheated with previous partners. If you go ahead with the relationship, be very aware that it will probably happen again, and accept that already. Otherwise you're only delaying the breakup.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Dear Tryme, I'm here to relate to you and your situation, But I can't sit here and pretend I have the answer or explanation. I recently went through something similar, but acted with desperation, You seem to have handled it well, and without agitation. I could say the same exact thing happened to my ass, but I confronted her and did not forgive her for the past. I kept bringing it up, mostly because she never fully came clean, We broke up much faster than Lightning McQueen. She said all the same things, and after reading your post, I didn't give her a fair chance, but I did give her more than most. It saddens me actually, to read this aloud, As that could of been me had I realized this before now. If you love this girl, and you want to make it work, Look to the future, and past the world of hurt. She already explained, and adjusted her communication, to keep you happy and to keep the relationship from desecration. If you can't let bygones be bygones, and you can't let this go, I suggest you stop now because both of you know, Especially you, since you can see the plethora of stories about, That don't end with a girlfriend who loves them regardless of the doubt.
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