When your man says "YOU NEED SPACE"

[saz123]

Let's discuss.

 

I have been researching on Google for websites that have discussions about men telling their girlfriend that they think their GIRLFRIEND needs space away from them. I couldn't find anything but the obvious "my boyfriend said he needs space" etc. So I want to start a thread and call it "My boyfriend said that I need space away from him".

 

In my opinion, when your man turns around and says to you "Look honey you need space away from this relationship" it can only mean one thing... That he's telling me to go off and love myself again. That I'm somehow becoming a person that he knows I'm not. I'm being clingy.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 2 years now and we've definitely had our fair share of ups and downs. But lately it's just crazy. You could call me the crazy clingy needy girlfriend. And I know many women will know exactly what I'm on about... yes ladies you've been through the clingy stage of a relationship. When our men pull away and we don't know what to do other than follow them and completely smother them.

 

 

At the start of every relationship you are practically obsessed with each other, you want to see each other all the time. But months and months go on and the feeling of 'new love' begins to fade away.

 

I don't know if this is the case for every relationship but looking back on my relationship I think my boyfriend and I began to get so comfortable with each other we forgot how important and special our bond and relationship actually was. And now our relationship is at a stage where it literally is make or break. As a woman (and this isn't the case for all women) I naturally got more and more needy and I smothered my boyfriend... He started to see me less and started to go out with his friends and play football and see his family more. Then I began smothering him. I became a person that wasn't at all like me. It's been going on for ages and it's finally got to a point where he just can't take it anymore.

 

I'm glad I can admit I'm in the wrong.

 

And because of this, the other day he said to me "Bub you need space, we don't need space, you need space. I'm fed up with you being so clingy and I find you more annoying than ever now. I'm sorry but you brought this upon yourself. I want to see you of course but not now".

 

Personally I think his text was a bit of an angry text. The way he shows his upset and pain is through anger.

 

Obviously and naturally I did not like his text message. I panicked. Thinking "Am I going to lose him?" "Does he not love me anymore?" "What should I do!".

 

I didn't text him back until hours after he sent me the message. I simply said back to him "I'm sorry, I guess I get a little jealous sometimes when you want to see your friends and not me. It shouldn't be like that at all. I need to realise that the times I spend with you now are extra special because we don't see each other as much. I love you and I'll see you soon."

 

Don't really know if I said the right thing?

 

But he replied back to that message saying "Okay I'm busy these next days, sorry x".

 

I haven't replied to his message - this was a day ago now. I haven't heard from him since either.

 

I've been searching the web for answers like a crazy person when what I should be doing is relaxing, taking this space for me, not thinking about my boyfriend and just let him do his thing, stop worrying about losing him.

 

I'm sure my boyfriend would of broken up with me by now if that's what he truly wanted. I'm scared to lose him so I just need to leave him be for a couple of days.

 

Fact is if your boyfriend tells you that you need space, take it. Even if you don't think you need it. He's doing it for you. He's trying his very best to save your relationship.

 

Am I right fellow loveshack.org community?

 

Discuss!

[d0nnivain]

I think you are wrong. Space doesn't fix a relationship. Communication fixes a relationship.

 

I / you need space -- for more than a few hours to calm down -- is a euphemism for I want out of the relationship because I want to date other people but I don't want to hurt your feelings. For 1 person to tell the other that the other person needs space sounds manipulative on top of everything else. Like the person who said that is trying to twist everything around in an effort to make the other person the bad guy.

[preraph]

I think I might have actually deciphered his code. I think if he says "I need space," that makes him feel that he's taking the blame because it's him needing it. I believe he strongly feels this clinginess is your problem, not his, and therefore YOU need space because it's your problem. He doesn't need space. He just needs someone who's not smothering him.

 

He might be onto something. I always recommend that if you are this insecure, you need to get out on your own and live by yourself and support yourself for 1-2 years until you feel secure that you can be by yourself and take care of yourself without it being the end of the world.

[evanescentworld]

I would be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of sand, that the reason you began to get clingy - was because you sensed a change in his commitment. You could sense when things were flattening out, it alerted a subconscious fear in you, and the more he pulled back, the more you kept leaning.

 

He began signing out of this a while ago.

And now he's blaming his loss of interest on you.

 

Nope - like d0nnivain, I don't thing you're right at all.

 

A break - either way, whichever way it's proposed - is a break-UP.

 

Brace yourself - this is probably the beginning of the end.

 

And you know what I advise?

 

Walk away.

Fall off his radar.

Go incommunicado.

Completely silent.

No Contact.

 

HE is the one who wants this break.

Well, let him have it.

 

Are you strong enough to do that? I really hope so, because it's by far the best thing you could ever do.

[oldshirt]

breaks are always about keeping your options open and being back on the market to be able to see others.

 

 

Him saying that YOU need a break is to make it so it looks like something he is doing for you instead of to so you don't key his car or slash his tires or boil his bunny.

[saz123]

I would be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of sand, that the reason you began to get clingy - was because you sensed a change in his commitment. You could sense when things were flattening out, it alerted a subconscious fear in you, and the more he pulled back, the more you kept leaning.

 

Correct.

 

But explain this to me...

 

One day before our argument he said to me "Little one I'm so happy I have you"

 

Then bam it all changed because I followed him to his friends house. Now he can't stand me and is pulling back again.

[saz123]

breaks are always about keeping your options open and being back on the market to be able to see others.

 

 

Him saying that YOU need a break is to make it so it looks like something he is doing for you instead of to so you don't key his car or slash his tires or boil his bunny.

 

We haven't broken up. This is what I'm saying. He is telling me that I need space because he thinks I'm ruining the relationship. This is why I think he's trying to save it before it's too late. Surely if he didn't want to be with me he would of been a man by now and said so. But I think it's even more manly to admit there is a problem and try to fix it.

 

As for boiling his bunny (totally reminded me of the 1987 film Fatal Attraction - in which I'm definintely not as awful as the crazy woman called Alex).

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is - if he wanted a way out then breaking up with me is the way to do it. Space or a break is not. Offering me hope isn't fair.

[PegNosePete]

But explain this to me...

When words do not match actions, there is a contradiction.

That usually means the words are not true.

Actions speak louder.

[saz123]

When words do not match actions, there is a contradiction.

That usually means the words are not true.

Actions speak louder.

 

Ok so these were his actions:

 

Before he said these words he was cuddling me and play fighting with me. Kissing me on my head. How a boyfriend is when you can tell he loves you.

 

He is just hurt by what I did the following day, and his actions prove so.

[Emilia]

Then bam it all changed because I followed him to his friends house. Now he can't stand me and is pulling back again.

I think he is scared of breaking up with you because you became the stalker girlfriend. This isn't just clinginess or neediness. This is something more serious.

[saz123]

I think he is scared of breaking up with you because you became the stalker girlfriend. This isn't just clinginess or neediness. This is something more serious.

 

Mmm ok fair point.

 

Even though the day before he was saying how grateful he is to have me etc showing it through actions and not just words? Cuddling me and being loving - I just really don't know. It's a strange situation.

 

He knows I lack self confidence. Maybe this is his way of pushing me away to build my confidence so I don't have to follow him every where when I'm upset.

[Emilia]

so I don't have to follow him every where when I'm upset.

Have you spoken to anyone about this because this isn't accepted behaviour amongst adults.

[saz123]

Have you spoken to anyone about this because this isn't accepted behaviour amongst adults.

 

Yes, of course. It's totally irrational behaviour. My boyfriend himself has said that I need to act sensibly and not like a little girl.

 

I know all of this and I know my behaviour is wrong. And I'm trying to change that.

 

Personally I think it's near breaking point with him and if I don't change now he will break up with me.

[GorillaTheater]

I think he is scared of breaking up with you because you became the stalker girlfriend. This isn't just clinginess or neediness. This is something more serious.

 

Exactly, and this why I disagree with most of the other posters here.

 

I think that he does love you, but that you're driving him crazy with the clinginess that, yeah, may border on the pathological. I don't think he can deal with it anymore, and wants both of you to have some space to figure things out.

 

I could be wrong, of course, but I'm thinking at this point that there isn't another woman.

 

I think you should take this time to indeed figure things out, and why you behave the way you do. It isn't good for you, and it isn't good for your relationships.

[Els]

 

Then bam it all changed because I followed him to his friends house. Now he can't stand me and is pulling back again.

 

I'm glad you know this is excessive and would be a dealbreaker to many people. I do hope you succeed in changing your behaviour.

 

That being said, why are you two having such serious conversations via text? Don't you live near each other? The place to have such conversations is face to face, not through text messaging - that's such a cowardly way that is so easily misinterpreted! Even people in LDRs are advised to phone/Skype at the very least.

 

Anyway, to answer your question: Given that his pulling away really was warranted after what you did, I think you should give him a reasonable amount of time to bounce back (say a week) and focus on yourself for the time being.

[saz123]

Exactly, and this why I disagree with most of the other posters here.

 

I think that he does love you, but that you're driving him crazy with the clinginess that, yeah, may border on the pathological. I don't think he can deal with it anymore, and wants both of you to have some space to figure things out.

 

I could be wrong, of course, but I'm thinking at this point that there isn't another woman.

 

I think you should take this time to indeed figure things out, and why you behave the way you do. It isn't good for you, and it isn't good for your relationships.

 

Exactly that.

 

Thank you - I haven't seen/spoke to him for 3 days now. I want to try and see him tomorrow to talk things through but I'm not entirely sure.

 

He works at my gym and I plan to go tomorrow, I think he will be there but I don't want things to be awkward. If I decide to go I will walk in there with my head held high and speak to him like nothing has happened and show him that I am happy, but not say much to him because I don't want to appear clingy and all up in his face.

 

It's completely barmy to be honest but literally last Sunday he got me to go out to Ann Summers to buy something 'naughty' for us two to use to spice up foreplay. I'm his first girlfiend by the way, I just know this man and I know he does things for me with good intentions. He is trying to save this relationship before it's too late. Before I become emotionally unstable. Whatever.

[saz123]

I'm glad you know this is excessive and would be a dealbreaker to many people. I do hope you succeed in changing your behaviour.

 

That being said, why are you two having such serious conversations via text? Don't you live near each other? The place to have such conversations is face to face, not through text messaging - that's such a cowardly way that is so easily misinterpreted! Even people in LDRs are advised to phone/Skype at the very least.

 

Anyway, to answer your question: Given that his pulling away really was warranted after what you did, I think you should give him a reasonable amount of time to bounce back (say a week) and focus on yourself for the time being.

 

He expresses himself better through text messaging (even though he HATES when I non stop text message him). Whereas I prefer face to face, I find it a lot less stressful and easier to say what I want to say. You're so right, words are really easily misinterpreted through texting. I cannot stand it!

 

I've given him 3 days so far, my plan was to see him tomorrow, but I think it might be too soon. A week is far too long, though. But this time has definitely helped me to focus on myself and realise what an absolute fool I have been!!

[evanescentworld]

From what you have added, you're right - tomorrow IS far too soon, but please get this: a week isn't too long, either.

 

Like I said: Drop off his radar. prove you can do it - exist without him, at a distance - and LET HIM COME TO YOU.

[preraph]

OMG, you haven't learned a thing. You earlier said what caused the row was you following him to his friend's house. Now you say you're following him to your gym. Yes, legally you have a right to be both places, but it's clingy and you're forcing yourself on him and you know it. He may love you or not, but he's made it pretty clear he doesn't love your clinginess -- and love can dissipate.

[saz123]

OMG, you haven't learned a thing. You earlier said what caused the row was you following him to his friend's house. Now you say you're following him to your gym. Yes, legally you have a right to be both places, but it's clingy and you're forcing yourself on him and you know it. He may love you or not, but he's made it pretty clear he doesn't love your clinginess -- and love can dissipate.

 

Sorry but what you just wrote is wrong and yes I have learned a fair amount. I haven't contacted him for 3 days so we can both just take a breather and chill out. And for the record I didn't say I was following him to the gym - I simply said I want to go to the gym tomorrow but he works there and will more than likely be there. If he's there so what! I have every right to be there and to talk to him or not talk to him.

[saz123]

From what you have added, you're right - tomorrow IS far too soon, but please get this: a week isn't too long, either.

 

Like I said: Drop off his radar. prove you can do it - exist without him, at a distance - and LET HIM COME TO YOU.

 

I will let you all into more secrets.

 

So, 2 months ago I went on holiday abroad (with a girl friend) for a week. I text him when I arrived - got no reply. I messaged him on facebook a few hours later - he saw it and no reply. The next day I messaged him and he messaged back telling me to leave him alone and to piss off. And it carried on like this 4 days into the holiday but eventually I just gave up as it was just ruining my time. He was genuinely being nasty, probably because I was messaging him but cmon I was in a foreign country and I missed home. For the last 3 days of my holiday I was an anxious wreck, naturally I'm quite sensitive. And it came to the last day when I was going home he was picking me up from the airport when I landed - I was anxious about whether he was still coming because I hadn't heard from him. I landed and phoned him, he answered and told me where he was parked. I got into the car and he cuddled me telling me how glad he is to have me back home, how much he missed me and that he was going to take me to the zoo as a day out the next day.

 

I didn't mention to him how i felt on holiday because of his lack of empathy etc as I was just so happy to be home and to have him being nice to me again.

 

A month or so went on and it started again. For some reason he was just pulling away and of course the more he pulled away the more I pushed him. He turned nasty again telling me to go away, demanding space etc. So I gave him some time, and eventually met up with him a couple days after and he said he missed me.

 

It happens a lot - yes it's me but it's also him.

 

I just have this feeling that his way to get me to do something he wants is to be horrible and blunt with me. He's even said to me before "Look the only way you're going to do as you're told is if I don't give you affection".

 

There is so much more to my story than you all think.

[preraph]

Sorry. Do you seriously expect him or anyone else to think you "just happened to be" at the gym when you knew he'd be there? He asked for space and you're not willing to comply. Three days is nothing. You need to let him contact you when he's ready and respect his wishes and learn some self-control.

[Gloria25]

I would be willing to bet a pound to a pinch of sand, that the reason you began to get clingy - was because you sensed a change in his commitment. You could sense when things were flattening out, it alerted a subconscious fear in you, and the more he pulled back, the more you kept leaning.

 

He began signing out of this a while ago.

And now he's blaming his loss of interest on you.

 

Nope - like d0nnivain, I don't thing you're right at all.

 

A break - either way, whichever way it's proposed - is a break-UP.

 

Brace yourself - this is probably the beginning of the end.

 

And you know what I advise?

 

Walk away.

Fall off his radar.

Go incommunicado.

Completely silent.

No Contact.

 

HE is the one who wants this break.

Well, let him have it.

 

Are you strong enough to do that? I really hope so, because it's by far the best thing you could ever do.

 

Agreed ^^....

 

While smothering is not something I agree with...he showed signs he was backing out and you tried to overcompensate. Then he has the gall say you are pushing him away.

 

Let him go...looks like he wanted out and pushed you to do the dirty work for him.

[evanescentworld]

I will let you all into more secrets.

 

<snip>

 

There is so much more to my story than you all think.

 

The whole damn story sounds utterly dysfunctional.

Frankly, I honestly think you'd both be better off without one another.

Really, I do.

 

The way he treats you and the way you respond, both need therapeutic attention, but I honestly feel you'd both do better going it alone, seeking individual therapy, and you ascertaining exactly what it is that makes you clingy/needy and putting up with the yo-yo effect of his abusive attitude.

[RockyCruz]

Exactly that.

 

Thank you - I haven't seen/spoke to him for 3 days now. I want to try and see him tomorrow to talk things through but I'm not entirely sure.

 

He works at my gym and I plan to go tomorrow, I think he will be there but I don't want things to be awkward. If I decide to go I will walk in there with my head held high and speak to him like nothing has happened and show him that I am happy, but not say much to him because I don't want to appear clingy and all up in his face.

 

It's completely barmy to be honest but literally last Sunday he got me to go out to Ann Summers to buy something 'naughty' for us two to use to spice up foreplay. I'm his first girlfiend by the way, I just know this man and I know he does things for me with good intentions. He is trying to save this relationship before it's too late. Before I become emotionally unstable. Whatever.

 

The man loves you, but he is now scared of what he's seeing in you. The space, is a sign that a breaking up is about to happen. He may not want it but maybe it's his own way that it's time to move on without being in an awkward confrontation.

 

There is a lesson to be learnt and I know I can be blunt, cold when reply. I'm not doing so intentionally or judging. It's just, I've been there and I'm hoping you realise it's time to...disappear for a while.

 

You see, you didn't learn from your mistakes.

 

You admitted the mistake on your first post. You admitted and you still thought of going to gym to see him.

 

When someone says they want space, that really means, "I am transitioning to a breakup." That's what's happening but you can salvage it if you stop doing what you're doing right now.

 

What to do...

 

1. Make No Contact with your man. I mean it. Nothing from now on.

2. Do follow your man, do not go to his work place, his gym, his relative/family home.

3. Do not call or meet his friends.

4. Do not text him anymore.

5. Disappear from radar. Distance yourself and disappear as though you have vanished from planet earth!

 

And get a life. Get some friends. Get a dream, goals in your life and make something of your life. Get busy loving yourself first. Go out to nightclubs, whatever. Go out and live your liife.

 

This isn't love.

 

If it was love, there would be communication. There would be mutual respect. There would never be this talk about having space. There would be compassion and empathy to not talk on how he is seeing friends and relatives more than you. There would be self love, where you don't put a man on a pedestal and man doesn't put woman on a pedestal.

 

Where there is trust and patience to even not THINK of planning to go to gym to see him, keep texting him, bombarding him but to leave him be, and you live your life.

 

It is YOU who needs to chill out not. Seriously.

 

This is fear. It's like you are putting all your hopes, all your dreams, all your time on this man. No man and woman can ever make you happy. Self love, self respect can. The rest amplifies what you already have instead of decreasing it.

 

If man or woman is away for sometime, your love for yourself, and the way you live your life is so big that it doesn't decrease for you to panic. Instead, you'd be calm and secure.

 

It's time, to disappear off the radar, I don't care if it's the North Pole. When this happen for man or woman....it is time to distance yourself and make no contact whatsoever.

 

Let him make the move.

Edited November 22, 2014 by RockyCruz