Cadenltj Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Me and my girl (we're lesbians) met during the December of 2012 but didn't actually get to know each other until January 2013. She's 18 and I'm 23. We got together pretty quickly, in fact, it only took us a week to determine that we were actually together. Our honeymoon phase lasted pretty long, about 8 months. After those 8 months, I felt like I was in a dark place. My bad temper and tendency to hurt myself became much worse. When we got together, I told her straight that I had issues like that and she vowed to "save" me from my demons. Now I'm going to fast forward to the last few months of our relationship (we had 21 months together). In July 2014, she had cinched a position for a major youth related sporting event. Now I understand that this puts added pressure on her not to mention that she still has school to worry about. She started acting extremely insecure, angry at every little thing and always took out her stress and anger on me. I had thought about leaving her but it was never serious. She was an amazing lover, kind and has the amazing ability to just love everyone around her. I wasn't about to let one or two bad months break us up over a year of love. In August 2014, she left for the sporting event and won a Silver medal for the country. Yes, for our country. When she came back after that, we had what seemed like another good month before things changed. She began to slowly drift away. She'd get annoyed with me over the smallest things and because of this, my self-harming tendencies and bad temper began to rise again. I have a feeling that she changed because of the increasing pressure from winning a major competition and she is now under the media spotlight although I wouldn't call her famous in the country, I would say she is famous within the sporting community. Towards the end of October, I couldn't take it anymore. I asked her, "Should we break up?" And her reply to me was, "Do you think it will help us?" Honestly, I didn't know if it would help us. I was hoping that she would want to work things out instead. She took a day to think about it and on Tuesday night (29th Oct) she made it official. I went crazy! I text her like crazy, begged her not to leave me, not to do this to me and that we should work it out. I had no idea that I was driving her the other way! Now because she is a national athlete, there is a place where she has to go for training. I happen to work there as well so we will run into each other very often. On Wednesday night that, it happened, I had work and she had training. I couldn't help it, I really wanted to talk to her but all I could do was break down and cry like a baby. She offered me a hug and kissed me on the neck, I held her like I would never let her go but eventually I had to. She went off for training and me, I tried my best to compose myself for work. After training, just before she left, all I could do was tell her not to go and cry again. She text me sorry and quickly left for home. I panicked again and ran after her, this time even running to grab a cab to her house. I called her, I cried more and I begged again. She told me to go home and that we could talk when I was home. I called her that night and wanted to talk things out, we got nowhere. She was frustrated that I was trying to hard to get her back and she was trying so hard to pull away. We ended things abruptly as she had school the next day. I had no closure. Thursday morning, I text her really long texts telling her how I'm letting go and that I realize what is it she wanted for me. We text quite frequently until Friday night when I could tell she was already becoming colder and colder. I told her that I wouldn't text her anymore and I didn't...until Sunday evening when I asked how her day went. Again, we text quite frequently until Tuesday morning when she told me "Don't keep texting me." I told her I was sorry and that I just wanted her to know I was still around as a friend. Now I am only working as a part timer and because I work in a close circle with her, we often end up working together as well. On the 8th and 9th of November, we had to work together. By then it had already been over a week since we broke up. I tried my best to behave calm and collected. Strike up normal conversation and everything. I made the mistake of asking her "Do you believe I'll ever stop loving you?" on Saturday and only managed an awkward "Why are you asking me this?". She had also lost her wallet on a cab that morning and I spent the entire morning till noon calling up the taxi company to confirm if anyone had found her wallet. Finally, at about one in the afternoon, I had good news that her wallet was found. She was happy, I was happy that she was happy and she thanked me. On Sunday, I tried to strike up conversation with her and she too tried to act normal and pretend that we were friends. It hurt, a lot. All the skinship we had it had all disappeared and it was very painful to realize and see. Monday I text her to remind her about her wallet and that she needed identification to collect it and everything, She thanked me again and I tried my best to sound indifferent about it, sticking to "You're welcome." and "No problem." I didn't text her again until Thursday when I told her to take care as she had a long day in school. No texting again and then on Saturday, we had work together again. Again, we tried our best to act normal, pretend that nothing happened. After work, she went for training. I was curious, honestly, I couldn't let go and fell to temptation. She had left her bag, unattended in the office area and left for training. I opened her bag and found her wallet. I opened it, looking for any signs that she still has feelings for me. Now I know that she has just cleared out her wallet of unwanted articles such as receipts, name cards and other slips of paper. Since she is the one who broke up with me and insists that she doesn't want the relationship, I would expect her to get rid of anything that would remind her of me. Instead, she kept my photo hidden behind another and there are several love notes that I wrote for her that are still inside her wallet as well. I don't want to over analyze but I cannot help myself. I am confused by her behavior. Now on Sunday, 16 November, she had a local competition and I was working. Since we were both at the same venue, I saw an opportunity to talk to her. I did so, casually, even though I can honestly say that it didn't hurt as much as the previous week, it still hurt. I also know that she's been texting a boy, her classmate very very frequently after the break up. I have managed to peek at her phone some times but it was mostly just innocent glancing, like the way you would glance at the phone of someone you're standing next to. The name of the guy is pretty generic, no cutesy pet names or heart shapes. Their texts were quite expressionless too, no smiley faces or anything of that sort. Basically, I know this is how she would normally text her friends. ( We also have an app in the phone that is a space purely for couples. There is an option to deactivate it and she hasn't done it.) Anyway, she performed poorly that day and did not expect any results during the competition. Even though she may have told me that, I know that deep down inside, she feels horrible about it. After the competition, I texted her and told her that she did her best and to go home and get some rest. No response. It didn't hurt me bad but it stung a little. Since then, I have decided to start strict no contact with her. But knowing her character, it is likely she will not contact me on her own. It has been over 3 weeks since our break up and it may be getting easier to be around her but it doesn't make it hurt any less.
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