Love triangle need .

[lennon94]

So I have really messed things up here sorry for the long story but I need advice. 4 years ago I met 2 guys that ended up being my good friends, I really liked one of them lets call him Benny, but I thought he was too goodlooking for me and I thought he could never like me so when the other one Jason* asked me out I said yea cause he was cute too so I thought why not Benny doesnt like me anyway.

 

Shortly after me and Jason started dating we set up Benny with my best friend, who didnt like either of them till I suggested she date Benny, at the time I thought this would help my friend and help me get over Benny. It didnt. Me and Jason broke up a few months later and Benny and my friend were still together, as much as I still liked him I wasnt going to try and break them up so I moved on after 2 monthes to a new guy Tanner*.

 

Tanner new Benny already but I hadnt met Tanner till a year after meeting Benny.all 4 of us became close then a year and a half later we all moved in together. That was really bad, that is when it came out that Benny had actually liked me when we first met -.- my friend lost it because she knew I liked him at the same time. She was very jelous and it was couple against couple all the time and during the whole time my friend was treating Benny like garbage and it bothered me to no end but I kept trying to convince myself that I was over Benny.

 

My friend and Benny moved in together and me and Tanner moved in together 1 year after that and then everything was going great because I wasnt seeing Benny as much and was appreciating Tanner so much more, then came the break up. Benny and my friend split and it was pretty ugly, Bennyis still good friends with me and Tanner so we see him a lot now, we live close to his new place and he is over about 3 days a week at least.

 

Now I love Tanner we have been together 3 years and live together but I just cant get Benny out of my head. Benny makes my heart race and is so nice to me, I hang out with him alone too, he says things that makes me think he might like me, like how Im one of the only girls he actually likes being around, he always points out how awesome I am how he loves my taste in music how he thinks im chill and fun to be around.. its all really messing with my head, I dont know what to do because I do love Tanner but to be honest I like the way Benny treats me better.

 

I dont want to lose either of them but I know I either have to lose 1 or most likely both because I could be reading everything wrong and Benny doesnt have feelings for me. With Tanner its safe and predictable but with Benny its so out of my comfot zone to feel like my future is unplanned but I know deep down if I ever got to have the chance to be with Benny it would be electric. He gives me butterflys and makes my heart race, but he might not like me and that scares me so much that I could be throwing away another good guy for nothing. I know this is selfish but I dont think I can repress my attraction to Benny anymore, it never seems to work.

 

Please help!

Edited November 20, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for paragraphs.

[almond]

Yes, I'm sorry, but it really does sound selfish.

 

You state that you don't want to "throw away a good guy for nothing" if you risk making a move on Benny and he doesn't go for it. How about the other party in this relationship? Have you even given him a thought, or are you just focused solely on yourself? I may be wrong, but that's exactly how it's sounding here :/

 

You need to make a choice - either come clean re: your feelings for Benny to your partner (you can soften it), and reduce/cut contact with Benny so that you can focus on your relationship. Alternatively, come clean and leave him to pursue Benny. Don't do nothing - you'll end up cheating. You're already betraying your boyfriend as it is...spending time with this other guy looking for any hints that he is into you so you can drop your bf and run into his arms. No good.

 

It doesn't sound like you've had much single time, and at the risk of sounding rude, you seem quite immature...how old are you? I assume an adult as you're living with your partner, but this all comes across as somewhat juvenile.

 

You need to be decisive. Ideally, you would remove yourself from this situation entirely, spend some time alone and work on yourself, and figure out what it is that you want in life. This would save both you and your future partners some headaches.

 

Don't continue doing what you're doing...it may very well end up in cheating, and the current situation is unhealthy for all involved. Live your life in a way that you can be proud of.

[salparadise]

I actually thought your post seems quite sincere. This a genuine dilemma, and you are thinking about other's feelings as well as your own, so I don't think it's purely selfish. You are being realistic by realizing that something has to change––you have to sort it out and decide. So here's what I'd suggest.

 

You've been with Tanner for three years now, so you know him pretty damn well. Can you see yourself marrying, having kids and growing old with him, or not? Character and values all in alignment? How is your sex life? Do you have any of those butterfly feelings with him at all? Your current dilemma notwithstanding, is he life partner material (assuming you have such goals)?

 

Now ask yourself similar questions about Benny. If it were not for the fact that he makes you wet, would he be a potential life-partner with character, ethics, interests and so forth aligned? Think about how you feel when he hasn't been around lately... does he occupy your thoughts constantly, or only when he's present?

 

One huge issue that all the single folks on these boards struggles with is finding a partner that gives them the butterflies, and is compatible in other ways. I believe you're right to recognize the importance of that kind of chemistry. On the other hand, if you run around ending otherwise great relationships every time someone new catches your eye you'll likely end up miserable, as well as making a lot of other people miserable.

 

Bottom line is that nobody here can tell you what's right for you––you have to decide. Think it through, and don't let Tanner figure out how you feel about Benny unless/until you decide to end that relationship. If you decide to stay with Tanner, then you need to stay away from Benny. All things being equal, go with the visceral feeling... but all things are not going to be equal, so you have to sort them out cognitively and emotionally.

 

Please do let us know how old you are and what your relationship experience is beyond the three years with Tanner.

[central]

Well, this is one of those situations where you'll end up with neither of them. Or, with both! It depends on the guys - can they handle sharing you in a polyamorous relationship, or are they monogamously oriented?

 

I would suggest gently exploring the concept with Tanner first - IF this is something you would even consider - to see if he is open to outside relationships in a theoretical sense, and would he ever consider it for himself. If he is, then he may be open to sharing, but he may also find someone else too. And of course, even if Tanner is okay with it, Benny may not be - but you haven't messed things up with Tanner in the short term.

 

Short of breaking up with Tanner in the hopes of dating Benny, you have no other options than to break up and find someone who combines the traits of both.

[Frank2thepoint]

With Tanner its safe and predictable but with Benny its so out of my comfot zone to feel like my future is unplanned but I know deep down if I ever got to have the chance to be with Benny it would be electric.

 

I'm going to suggest something that is against the grain from the other posters. Let go of Tanner and go for Benny. You will never know unless you try. Life is full of risks, with potential for great reward. If you don't scratch this itch now, you will never get Benny out of your head, even years later. You'll live in regret.

[Toodaloo]

I'm going to suggest something that is against the grain from the other posters. Let go of Tanner and go for Benny. You will never know unless you try. Life is full of risks, with potential for great reward. If you don't scratch this itch now, you will never get Benny out of your head, even years later. You'll live in regret.

 

I would add when you let go of Tanner have a couple of months single before you get together with Benny. then you are not rubbing anyones nose in it and you all have a hope of being civil.

 

It may also help you to better understand what you actually want if you just have a break from all of it and spend some time on your own for a while.