Infidelity? Emotional cheating? when will I feel better? LONG

[Hamsterwheel]

We are both 24, been together about 3 years. I been living with him for little over a year now. I'm really not sure if I can even call what happened infidelity, so i apologize beforehand if it isn't. But here is what happened...

 

My boyfriend and I spent our first year of dating in person, then he had to move across the country for a job. It was night shift. I couldn't go, I was finishing college and had a year left. I did go spend 3 months with him there for summer break. But things would get very hard the next 3 months in the fall when I returned to school full time. Not only was he working night shift and I in school all the time, but there was also a 3 hour time difference. I understand it was hard for him and us to keep in daily fulfilling contact, which is probably how our relationship started to crumble. Well, he also had a good long-time online friend who also worked night shift and was in the same time zone. She lived a 3 hour car ride away, and he developed a strong crush on her. They never had interaction in person. She, despite already having a boyfriend, also apparently had a crush on my boyfriend. This girl would start tempting my boyfriend with sexual "offers" seemingly at random, but he rejected them all. He did admit he strongly considered taking an offer, admitted that he felt like scum about it, and admitted he felt I deserved to know about his crush and etc.

 

I know, at worst, my boyfriend did do some non-sexual flirting with her. He also admitted he felt that had it not been for being all alone at night, the crush would have never happened because he had more people to talk to than just her. He was very lonely during this time period being away from his family, friends and being completely by himself. I can understand how it might have been very difficult for him being completely isolated like that, our reduced time together probably not helping.

 

My boyfriend revealed this to me and the news about his crush about 3 months after I had gone back to school for the fall (December 2012). He also admitted he felt "on the fence" about us. . He told me that our long distance relationship was hard and that he had considered just breaking up with me when he visited for xmas. I took this conversation as him admitting something he felt guilty about, and checking to see if we wanted to continue the relationship, making sure we were on the same page in life and etc. I decided it was just a crush, and felt no need to terminate the relationship. He, after discussing the relationship goals and life goals, also felt he wanted to continue the relationship. He also said he'd cut contact with her.

 

After this conversation, things did change. We skyped and talked more, he even would change to dayshift on his days off to make sure we were able to spend time together. Our relationship would be in decent health for the next 8 months, despite not being able to physically see each other, until I moved in.

 

However, I only say decent because during these 8 months something really bothered me. He never cut contact with this girl. He told me he wanted to remain friends with her after talking to her making sure she didn't have any remaining "feelings" for him. He reassured me that their talk was "light" and not harmful.

 

Despite thinking and believing he wouldn't do anything, I was still not comfortable with this, and in a way it was making me feel very insecure. I tried many times to convey this information to him, but he didn't change his mind. Eventually, the two would have a falling out and ceased their contact about a year ago (Nov 2013). But, it still bothers me he didn't cut contact with her after saying he would, it makes me feel like he didn't care for or respect my feelings at all. This feeling is a big issue I have currently.

 

For a while he was fine with answering all my questions about things, I didn't think I felt betrayed a first, but much later I would realize that I did feel betrayed in some way. After some time, he would grow irritated with my questions. Then, at the wrong time, on the wrong day, I'd get very upset about what had happened between him and his friend, and he'd tell me he didn't know if he could handle anymore of my behavior. My behavior was limited to question asking, feeling very sad, and crying. I'd notice I'd pick very bad moments to ask or need comfort, so whether he simply was very irritated because it was it was near his work time, or really meant what he said, I wouldn't know because I haven't brought it up since. This was last November. He expected me to feel healed up about what happened, but I suppose my brain has other plans about healing.

 

And this is my problem. Since august 2013 I've felt like I should be healed and on with it, but I still have moments where I'm very sad or upset about what happened. My mind just keeps asking questions, and since I haven't asked a question in a year, they just keep adding up. For instance, I wonder often if he'd rather be with her than me. The main reason I wonder this is because he told me, after I asked, the thing that made him not break up with me was the other girls behavior…which naturally isn't something I wanted to hear, and left me feeling very confused if he even really wanted to be with me, or if it was out of convenience. I'd like to think this isn't the case as our relationship was nowhere near convenient at the time and we've gone through all the trouble of living together. I try to tell myself you don't do that with just anybody.

 

It's questions like that popping up or questions about details. I try to tell myself that the past is in the past…that the details shouldn't matter because they have already happened and there is nothing that can be done to change what has happened.

 

Another thing I often find myself wondering is why he was so adamant about remaining friends with this person at the cost of my feelings? Did I not convey that it was hurting me clearly enough? What was so important about her to him, other than being a longtime friend? Did he really think things would magically go back to the way they were before all this happened? Or was he is ignorant to how badly it was hurting me?

 

I guess I'm mostly wondering what to do to get over this and move on. If I maybe SHOULD go back to talking with my boyfriend about these things, or maybe even seek professional help? Or is time really the answer? I feel like I should be able to talk to him about these things without fear of negative repercussions because I can talk to him about literally everything else.

 

And for those of you who reply, I sincerely thank you for your help.

[BetrayedH]

This is a tough one.

 

One side of me doesn't believe that he had this strong crush on her (which she reciprocated) but that he refused all of her advances. He spent three months lying to you while engaging with this other girl. It seems very likely to me that someone made that three hour car ride. Cheaters lie, deny, and minimize like it came out of a handbook. How do you "know" that they didn't have physical contact and that he always rebuffed her and "never" did any sexual flirting?

 

On the other side of the coin, he made a voluntary confession to you that he didn't have to make. That typically speaks to true remorse on his part. It's compelling.

 

What doesn't add up is his subsequent refusal to break ties with this girl. He admitted a strong crush for her (and she obviously acted inappropriately by making sexual advances). They are not "friends." In fact, I recommend you get the book, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Read it together. If he won't do that and he won't break ties with her, you should break up with him. She is a threat to his primary relationship and if she's more of a priority than you are, he's not the guy for you. Having "no contact" with her is a natural consequence to his inappropriate relationship with her. His refusal to get that, especially after having made that commitment to you, is the reason why your anxiety persists. Frankly, it makes me think he told you a watered-down version of their relationship so he could continue it right under your nose. I suggest an ultimatum; it's her or you. His choice then will tell you everything you need to know. It may be painful to leave him but it's better to know now rather than after 10 years, marriage, and two kids.

[Hamsterwheel]

BetrayedH - Thank you for posting. I'd like to mention that he did eventually have a "falling out" with her about 5 months after I moved in (last november). I don't know if it had anything to do with me, but I do know it was him telling her he was done with her has a friend. Back then he was rather upset about ending their friendship, and mentioned to me that he hoped I'd feel better.

 

I did start to feel better and improve more rapidly, however, something still didn't sit right with me...and that was his refusal to cease contact in the start. I realized that it made me feel like he really didn't care about my feelings about it, or was completely ignorant to them. If he was completely unware about my feelings then I guess it is possible I didn't explain things well enough. However, it if was him being cold to my feelings, then I don't think I can live with someone who can so easily treat me like that.

 

I did think about giving an ultimatum back then, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought it wasn't a fair thing to do, especially if he was telling the truth.

 

I don't know if someone made that 3 hour car ride. I'd like to think he at least told me the truth when it came to that, seeing as on his weekends we were generally talking online to each other a lot. I suppose his worknights were possible, but he worked 12 hour shifts and generally just passed out when he got home. So I don't really believe it happened, but I guess it is possible.

 

I guess it doesn't help that my best friend tried to tell me, that in a weird way, I might be his "fallback" girl. This idea also bothers me a lot... if he is just with me because it was convenient for him to stay with me because he doesn't want to be alone...or something weird like that.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH - Thank you for posting. I'd like to mention that he did eventually have a "falling out" with her about 5 months after I moved in (last november). I don't know if it had anything to do with me, but I do know it was him telling her he was done with her has a friend. Back then he was rather upset about ending their friendship, and mentioned to me that he hoped I'd feel better.

 

I did start to feel better and improve more rapidly, however, something still didn't sit right with me...and that was his refusal to cease contact in the start. I realized that it made me feel like he really didn't care about my feelings about it, or was completely ignorant to them. If he was completely unware about my feelings then I guess it is possible I didn't explain things well enough. However, it if was him being cold to my feelings, then I don't think I can live with someone who can so easily treat me like that.

 

I did think about giving an ultimatum back then, but decided not to at the last minute. I thought it wasn't a fair thing to do, especially if he was telling the truth.

 

I don't know if someone made that 3 hour car ride. I'd like to think he at least told me the truth when it came to that, seeing as on his weekends we were generally talking online to each other a lot. I suppose his worknights were possible, but he worked 12 hour shifts and generally just passed out when he got home. So I don't really believe it happened, but I guess it is possible.

 

I guess it doesn't help that my best friend tried to tell me, that in a weird way, I might be his "fallback" girl. This idea also bothers me a lot... if he is just with me because it was convenient for him to stay with me because he doesn't want to be alone...or something weird like that.

 

Ok, well, I'm glad he's no longer "friends" with her. Frankly, that probably should have been a dealbreaker for you.

 

As for how to proceed, I think you should avoid trying to sweep this all under the rug. I doesn't work and I think you can tell that by now. I realize he's becoming irritated about the subject but that's just too bad for him. As I said earlier, this is a natural consequence of having an inappropriate and hidden relationship with this girl, particularly after he disrespected your relationship by continuing to have one with her. Trust has to be rebuilt and he failed to do it. Thus, you're left with lingering insecurity and unanswered questions. In my opinion, that's not going to go away. If anything, it's going to build into resentment. Resentment definitely doesn't just go away. It either gets resolved or it comes out at some other time, and usually in a much less controlled fashion than if you'd just addressed it in the first place. I'd get yourself a list of questions and concerns and address them one at a time.

 

If he doesn't want to have these uncomfortable conversations then make sure he knows where the door is. He created this, not you. You didn't ask for this. He can either do the work it takes to resolve this (which will build intimacy) or he will not. If he won't, I think this relationship has run its course. I'd certainly prefer that you both learn from this experience and have healthier boundaries moving forward that protect your relationship. But you cannot control him; you can only control yourself. I suggest you make decisions that keep your self-respect in intact. Sadly, it doesn't seem that he makes those kind of decisions for you.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Your feelings/gut seem exactly on point. It is normal, what some would say is healthy.

 

Bottom line....as long as there is something in it for your BF...ie: validation, sexual flirtation...etc. Your feelings do not factor into his choices.

 

This is the foundation of your relationship. Hardly something one wants to hang their hat on.

 

Not Just Friends addresses these types of issues. Often when a WS reads this book...they feel like the author was actually following them around taking notes. That is how formulated the descent into an affair with a "friend" is.

 

You should be cautious going forward with someone who has already been down this path and is not interested in learning/growing/working/putting boundaries in place to ensure it doesn't happen again.

[Hamsterwheel]

BetrayedH & AlwaysGrowing - Just wanted you guys to know that I took a look at the book website and decided to order it online. It seems like it will help, especially considering it goes over emotional affairs. My boyfriend is stuck in the mindset that because nothing physical happened, nothing too bad happened.

 

I noticed this line on the website:

"Healing cannot begin without safety. The first step in establishing safety is to stop all contact with the affair partner."

Which kind of made me see that my 2 years of trying to heal, have really only been 1 year of trying heal. Maybe I'm not as off course as I thought I was.

 

I've also written down some questions that have been bothering me lately and plan to try to talk with him this weekend. I'll also try to get him to read the book with me.

 

If he decides he is unable to talk with me about it, then I guess I at least have something interesting to read on the 8hour plane back to my parents.

[elaine567]

My boyfriend is stuck in the mindset that because nothing physical happened, nothing too bad happened.

 

Your boyfriend would still be of that mindset, even if he had a full blown love affair with her.

You are never going to get to the real truth here, it may trickle out bit by bit, but all that time you will be in hell.

 

The fact he continued to have contact with her and even the fact they fell out and he was upset, leads me to think there was more to this that just two friends "talking", considering both had a bit of a crush on the other and you were conveniently hours away.

 

You do have to consider also that you are his "fallback" as your friend noted. He couldn't have her for whatever reason, so he fell back into line with you is a real possibility here.

 

But even if he was completely innocent of taking this physical, you are still not in a good place.

Trust and reliability has been seriously ruffled up here, he told you he basically wanted someone else, and even continued with that friendship after he told you about it.

That, in my book, is very hard for anyone to forgive or forget. At 24, and after only 3 years, you should be the centre of his world. He shouldn't be having crushes on other women for months, and expecting you to just get over it.

 

You have no children, no ties, why at 24 should you hang around with this guy?

I am struggling to find reasons why you should, if I am honest. Sorry!

[Hamsterwheel]

You have no children, no ties, why at 24 should you hang around with this guy?

I am struggling to find reasons why you should, if I am honest. Sorry!

 

Please dont be sorry, I'm feel like I'm gravitating towards those points too. Wondering if it is worth all this effort. I do love him a lot, and really want things to work out, but lately dealing with these thoughts and feelings has been tiring. I'm sick of randomly crying and all the other things that come with it.

 

We don't have kids, I've yet to find a stable job out here...other than him there is really no reason for me to be living 2,500 miles away from my family and being away from my family is really depressing me as well.

 

The conversation I plan to have this weekend with him will probably be a "last chance" kind of thing to see if he is really willing to work with me and give me the help I need...so I don't have to go through all this pain and confusion by myself. Because I don't think I can take it anymore.

[Mr. Lucky]

The conversation I plan to have this weekend with him will probably be a "last chance" kind of thing to see if he is really willing to work with me and give me the help I need...so I don't have to go through all this pain and confusion by myself. Because I don't think I can take it anymore.

 

What would that "help" look like? If he claims all they discussed was stamp collecting, how would you prove otherwise? He's going to give you the minimum required dose of truth, that's what people in his situation do.

 

Honestly, you already know enough to break it off with him. If you decide to forgive and go forward with the relationship, at least do so with eyes open. He's already shown you what happens when times get tough...

 

Mr. Lucky

[elaine567]

We don't have kids, I've yet to find a stable job out here...other than him there is really no reason for me to be living 2,500 miles away from my family and being away from my family is really depressing me as well.

 

 

Why don't you go home for a while, and see if you can see things a bit clearer. A bit of love from family and friends, may give you the perspective you seek.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH & AlwaysGrowing - Just wanted you guys to know that I took a look at the book website and decided to order it online. It seems like it will help, especially considering it goes over emotional affairs. My boyfriend is stuck in the mindset that because nothing physical happened, nothing too bad happened.

 

I noticed this line on the website:

"Healing cannot begin without safety. The first step in establishing safety is to stop all contact with the affair partner."

Which kind of made me see that my 2 years of trying to heal, have really only been 1 year of trying heal. Maybe I'm not as off course as I thought I was.

 

I've also written down some questions that have been bothering me lately and plan to try to talk with him this weekend. I'll also try to get him to read the book with me.

 

If he decides he is unable to talk with me about it, then I guess I at least have something interesting to read on the 8hour plane back to my parents.

 

I like the tone of this post. You're taking action and finding your own voice. Those are very positive steps and I hope you keep going that direction. If your concern is always about what will make him uncomfortable or leave you, then this relationship is always going to remain unbalanced. Your concerns are valid; he shouldn't dismiss them and neither should you.

 

I'd recommend putting some serious thought into what your real dealbreakers are. As oldshirt suggested, your BF is likely to keep up the same track of minimizing you and your concerns. You can't change that. So the question then becomes about what your response will be.