Why is he punishing me??

[LilKimmy]

I am new here and needing input/advice please! Sorry for the length.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating 7 months. No "I love you" exchanged yet though I came very close a couple weeks ago to telling him. He is hot and cold for the most part then will hit a long streak where everything is great. I am consistent and there should be no question in his mind how I feel about him because I show him. I am very loving and supportive towards him and he is only that way to me sometimes. I never know when I wake each day if I will hear from him and if I do - will it be a good day or a bad day.

 

Within the last month or so when he goes cold, I follow his lead. Maybe that's a mistake but I am getting tired of it. It's wearing me down and really hurting me when his behavior changes suddenly.

 

A month ago we went out with friends and he got upset with me so I got really quiet to avoid a public argument. When we got back to my apartment he lit into me for disrespecting him (by ignoring him) and stormed out while threatening to end it. He returned later and we made up. The next day he mocked me for crying that night before. He was overly nice and affectionate to me the next few days. The days that followed were great as well up until last weekend.

 

He left a week ago on an International business trip. We had to plan our call due to time difference. I waited 2 hours and he didn't call. I was pissed! I didn't text him or anything and went to bed. I didn't hear from him at all for 24 hours. When I reached out he immediately replied that he was angry with me but refused to tell me why. He's been punishing me ever since by either giving me the silent treatment (which I hate more than anything) or refusing to talk to me on the phone.

 

I've been trying to talk to him ever since and he keeps making excuses why he can't talk to me. He sends me the excuse by text right before my phone should be ringing. I honestly have no idea what I did unless he called and it didn't go through or something but how stupid a reason would that be? He is an older man and should NOT be that unreasonable. Or maybe he is set in his ways. Who knows?!

 

This evening he starts texting me all in a good mood like nothing ever happened and no mention of ever talking to resolve whatever the he** he's mad about and I have been waiting days to find out. Always waiting, never receiving. Sadly I am afraid to ask again if we can talk soon because I can't handle him blowing me off again. Clearly he isn't busy right now so why not call me? I shouldn't have to ask. He should want to call knowing I have been asking/waiting.

 

I'm afraid that his issues are rearing their ugly head. He was deeply hurt by his last relationship (it ended 2 years ago). Abandoned. She left with no explanation and was never to be heard from again. They dated a little over a year. I walk on eggshells to be honest and then the next day I am all high on love (sounds ridiculous but you know what I mean) when he is back to being his "normal" self. It's a roller coaster and I should not be questioning his feelings every day and especially our future.

 

Does he even know he is like this? Does he is even realize how he is hurting me? He can't be that stupid. Is he even capable of being in a long term relationship forever? He's been in several already including failed marriages. I've obviously noticed a pattern with his behavior which is very worrisome. That's why I am here posting! He is punishing me for something and I don't know what. I am sure it was something that he felt was disrespectful to him. He really thinks highly of himself apparently.

 

Help? Does anyone have any experience dating someone like this? Am I in an emotionally abusive relationship? This is a new one for me. I have never dated anyone like this.

 

I am afraid to break up with him. I don't know if I am afraid because of the mean things he will say to me or if I am afraid because I don't want to go through the heartache. Why do I even want try with someone like this?

 

Being shut out is a terrible feeling. I'm at my lowest.

Edited November 20, 2014 by LilKimmy

[LoverOfDance]

My only question to you is this - why are you with someone who makes you feel like this?

[Nyc_user]

The longer you stay with him the worse it will be for u.

 

No wonder the first one left him without saying anything.

 

Seems like this got got issues, he is unstable

[candie13]

being happy in a relationship starts with you being happy. This insecurity is anything but attractive. While I understand that he might need time and space and a bit of kindness, you cannot and should not tolerate this type of behaviour.

 

Stand your ground. Call him off on his behaviour. He is acting like this because he know he has all the power. Well... screw him, you are not tolerating or accepting this treatment. It is NOT normal to not talk. It is NOT normal to shut you off. It is cruel. And you, by sticking around, are rewarding his bad behaviour.

 

I am not saying he is not ****ed up... he is. But YOU are letting it happen. Just say No and see what happens. If he decided to leave because you are this intolerant gf who actually expects to receive a call when you two decide to speak... so be it. Stand your ground. Call him on on his outrageous behaviour.

 

Happiness starts with YOU being happy. Put yourself first and the hell with the rest of the world.

[Gloria25]

How did you "disrespect" him? What are these fights about?

[LilKimmy]

My only question to you is this - why are you with someone who makes you feel like this?

 

God only knows! After reading what I typed above, I must be out of my mind!

 

The longer you stay with him the worse it will be for u.

 

No wonder the first one left him without saying anything.

 

Seems like this got got issues, he is unstable

 

I thought the same things: It'll only get worse, the other girl hauled a$$ for good reason and he is definitely unstable!

 

being happy in a relationship starts with you being happy. This insecurity is anything but attractive. While I understand that he might need time and space and a bit of kindness, you cannot and should not tolerate this type of behaviour.

 

Stand your ground. Call him off on his behaviour. He is acting like this because he know he has all the power. Well... screw him, you are not tolerating or accepting this treatment. It is NOT normal to not talk. It is NOT normal to shut you off. It is cruel. And you, by sticking around, are rewarding his bad behaviour.

 

I am not saying he is not ****ed up... he is. But YOU are letting it happen. Just say No and see what happens. If he decided to leave because you are this intolerant gf who actually expects to receive a call when you two decide to speak... so be it. Stand your ground. Call him on on his outrageous behaviour.

 

Happiness starts with YOU being happy. Put yourself first and the hell with the rest of the world.

 

THANK YOU! Especially the bold parts. You are absolutely right. Who cares if he dumps me for refusing to accept his behavior?! And powerful he is and he knows it. I can't believe I am falling for this. Makes me so mad at myself!! I should have never stayed this long. I knew better.

 

How did you "disrespect" him? What are these fights about?

 

I stood up for myself when he made some rude comments towards me. Then I didn't engage him when he wanted to argue about it in public so I stayed silent the rest of the evening and all the way home. Because of this he tried to leave me because I acted like a child according to him and he told me I had issues.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not working. Why are you still with him? I'd have left a long time ago. Any reason why you're still tolerating this poor treatment?

 

His several failed relationships and marriages should be a signal - he is the common denominator. His relationship history does not excuse the way he treats you.

[LilKimmy]

It's not working. Why are you still with him? I'd have left a long time ago. Any reason why you're still tolerating this poor treatment?

 

His several failed relationships and marriages should be a signal - he is the common denominator. His relationship history does not excuse the way he treats you.

 

Because I love him - how ridiculous I know. I think it's because I don't want to go through the pain of a break up. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know what I need to do now.

[Nyc_user]

Because I love him - how ridiculous I know. I think it's because I don't want to go through the pain of a break up. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know what I need to do now.

 

Better short pain and escape from a psycho or long pain and be humiliated and who knows what he might do in the future?

[KatZee]

Emotional abuse only gets worse. They never "realize" how they treat you.

[CaliGypsy]

The pain will be a lot worse if you stay with this dude.

 

He told you she left with no explanation. We don't know that. You can't trust that to be the truth. What you can trust is that his actions are telling you she hauled ass for some very valid reasons.

 

I understand our pasts can color our reactions or behavior in future relationships. However, acting like a jackass and a moody sob who keeps you guessing and blows up all the time? Not. Acceptable. Do yourself a huge favor and get rid of this person. Find a man who treats you with courtesy and respect.

[RockyCruz]

Because I love him - how ridiculous I know. I think it's because I don't want to go through the pain of a break up. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I know what I need to do now.

 

It's not love. It's fear. That you'll be alone. That no one else is out there for you. That, this is all you got. That's all you have. But it's not true.

 

Love yourself mate because if you don't, and you let anyone treat you like crap, they will always treat you like crap. One minute happy and one minute moody, one minute this and next it's that.

 

That messes your head up and it's saying, "I can do whatever I want with you. You're my doormat."

 

I have been there. 5 years and lost the house, and other stuff after I divourced her. She walked away with no explaination but I didn't turn out moody one minute and next minute smiling. Messing someone's emotions and mind. It's no excuse to be this way.

 

He hasn't got over her! He's still holding onto memories of "what if." He might be comparing and then taking it out on you. Get out now, start fresh, before you go any further down the road where the consequences will be children, home, and a lot of pain that will last a LONG time, because everything then reminds you of him and the situation you was in.

 

You ARE in an emotional abusive relationship. It's killing you slowly, emotionally and mentally. It's pulling you here and there and making you so miserable, you're losing self esteem, and you're doubting how you deserve much more than this.

 

The ONLY thing you can believe in, is not what he says but by his pattern i.e. behavior. People can say this and that bit in the end...their behavior tells you the truth on who they really are, and you mean to them.

 

You got only one life. Just one. It's brutish. It's short. Don't waste it on someone who treats you like this. Instead, let go of the fear and spend time with yourself, love yourself and be happy with yourself first. You're going to need to after this.

 

You are much stronger than you think. I can sense it in your words. You're stronger. You got all that love inside you, all these feelings and yet, it's not respected, cherished. Instead it's abused.

Edited November 20, 2014 by RockyCruz

[LilKimmy]

Better short pain and escape from a psycho or long pain and be humiliated and who knows what he might do in the future?

 

You are so right. I know if I stay with him it won't get better. 3 months from now I'm sure I'll be thinking I should've done it back then (now) and I would be further along in my "moving on".

 

Emotional abuse only gets worse. They never "realize" how they treat you.

 

Thanks for this. It's hard for me to believe one does not "realize" how awful their behaviors are. I have to remind myself we don't think alike because we are no where near alike!

 

The pain will be a lot worse if you stay with this dude.

 

He told you she left with no explanation. We don't know that. You can't trust that to be the truth. What you can trust is that his actions are telling you she hauled ass for some very valid reasons.

 

I understand our pasts can color our reactions or behavior in future relationships. However, acting like a jackass and a moody sob who keeps you guessing and blows up all the time? Not. Acceptable. Do yourself a huge favor and get rid of this person. Find a man who treats you with courtesy and respect.

 

He told me she always expressed how she felt and he did not. He only told her so after she left. By then though she was over it and never replied. As you can imagine it was most likely the rejection and not her he had to get over.

 

I'm not sure if he is capable he is capable of being with anyone. At his age you would think one of them would have "stuck" by now.

 

I need to find some courage a do this. I heard from just now and he says he is calling this afternoon. I'm not holding my breath though. If he doesn't call maybe it's time for me to go silent and "disappear".

[LilKimmy]

It's not love. It's fear. That you'll be alone. That no one else is out there for you. That, this is all you got. That's all you have. But it's not true.

 

Love yourself mate because if you don't, and you let anyone treat you like crap, they will always treat you like crap. One minute happy and one minute moody, one minute this and next it's that.

 

That messes your head up and it's saying, "I can do whatever I want with you. You're my doormat."

 

I have been there. 5 years and lost the house, and other stuff after I divourced her. She walked away with no explaination but I didn't turn out moody one minute and next minute smiling. Messing someone's emotions and mind. It's no excuse to be this way.

 

He hasn't got over her! He's still holding onto memories of "what if." He might be comparing and then taking it out on you. Get out now, start fresh, before you go any further down the road where the consequences will be children, home, and a lot of pain that will last a LONG time, because everything then reminds you of him and the situation you was in.

 

You ARE in an emotional abusive relationship. It's killing you slowly, emotionally and mentally. It's pulling you here and there and making you so miserable, you're losing self esteem, and you're doubting how you deserve much more than this.

 

The ONLY thing you can believe in, is not what he says but by his pattern i.e. behavior. People can say this and that bit in the end...their behavior tells you the truth on who they really are, and you mean to them.

 

You got only one life. Just one. It's brutish. It's short. Don't waste it on someone who treats you like this. Instead, let go of the fear and spend time with yourself, love yourself and be happy with yourself first. You're going to need to after this.

 

You are much stronger than you think. I can sense it in your words. You're stronger. You got all that love inside you, all these feelings and yet, it's not respected, cherished. Instead it's abused.

 

Ah thank you! Everything you say is true. I'm appalled that I am putting up with it. It's not me at all. I'm not sure why I'm allowing him to treat me this way. It IS making me miserable and it is going to make me crazy! I feel like I'm halfway there.

 

I do believe that he is NOT over her. The times when he got REALLY mad at me was when I did things (unknowingly) that reminded him of something she did to him.

 

I know this is no way to live and it is the fear of being alone that's holding me back. I thought he would be different with me (dumb) and I ignored ALL the red flags. They're impossible to ignore anymore.

 

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry for what you went through.

[RockyCruz]

Ah thank you! Everything you say is true. I'm appalled that I am putting up with it. It's not me at all. I'm not sure why I'm allowing him to treat me this way. It IS making me miserable and it is going to make me crazy! I feel like I'm halfway there.

 

I do believe that he is NOT over her. The times when he got REALLY mad at me was when I did things (unknowingly) that reminded him of something she did to him.

 

I know this is no way to live and it is the fear of being alone that's holding me back. I thought he would be different with me (dumb) and I ignored ALL the red flags. They're impossible to ignore anymore.

 

Thank you for your reply and I'm sorry for what you went through.

 

It's my pleasure.

 

As for sorry for what I've been through. Thank you but also, don't be sorry. Celebrate. I was young when I married, niave, lacked experience in life. I lived as you say, a sheltered life before it went crazy.

 

Different man today.

 

I am of the past that made me stronger. It pushed me further in being the best I can be in life. You would not believe the strength you have, the unbelievable instinct to read people but also, to listen to your gut instinct.

 

The fearlessness you'll have in life and determination to have the best. You also go beyond looking for "attractive" and much deeper. Even a plain woman suddenly becomes attractive because we look deep within than all the hollywood, music, magazine, and social society stuff I use to look for.

 

If someone asked me today, "Would you change anything in past?"

I'd reply, "No."

So don't be sorry. Celebrate!

 

I do appreciate your kindness and it's received warmly but I'm saying this so you see what I couldn't see because of emotions, fear, of lack of self worth and that I can't be alone.

 

If I knew what I know today mate, if I knew, I wouldn't have gone through so many emotions, hurt, pain.

 

And then there's you...

 

You're strong, I know you are. You are going to have an amazing, wonderful life. You're going to see how you didn't lose but gained much more. You gained your life back, sanity, and something called wisdom.

 

what you're going through, is going to help you make your life so BIG and AWESOME. You'd look back, and you'd feel a little hurt but the happiness, the rewards of moving forward, the things you will accomplish, is going to be beyond the pain.

 

I cannot say you'll forget. You never do but you will become stronger, wiser, deep in thinking, and instinct sharper. You'll not use the pain to inflict on the person who will give. You'll appreciate even more when it is given out of love.

 

You're going to be alright mate. It will take time but you're going to do just fine. I know it's easy for me to say this, it always is but believe me when I say this.....you got a wonderful life waiting for you.

[LilKimmy]

It's my pleasure.

 

As for sorry for what I've been through. Thank you but also, don't be sorry. Celebrate. I was young when I married, niave, lacked experience in life. I lived as you say, a sheltered life before it went crazy.

 

Different man today.

 

I am of the past that made me stronger. It pushed me further in being the best I can be in life. You would not believe the strength you have, the unbelievable instinct to read people but also, to listen to your gut instinct.

 

The fearlessness you'll have in life and determination to have the best. You also go beyond looking for "attractive" and much deeper. Even a plain woman suddenly becomes attractive because we look deep within than all the hollywood, music, magazine, and social society stuff I use to look for.

 

If someone asked me today, "Would you change anything in past?"

I'd reply, "No."

So don't be sorry. Celebrate!

 

I do appreciate your kindness and it's received warmly but I'm saying this so you see what I couldn't see because of emotions, fear, of lack of self worth and that I can't be alone.

 

If I knew what I know today mate, if I knew, I wouldn't have gone through so many emotions, hurt, pain.

 

And then there's you...

 

You're strong, I know you are. You are going to have an amazing, wonderful life. You're going to see how you didn't lose but gained much more. You gained your life back, sanity, and something called wisdom.

 

what you're going through, is going to help you make your life so BIG and AWESOME. You'd look back, and you'd feel a little hurt but the happiness, the rewards of moving forward, the things you will accomplish, is going to be beyond the pain.

 

I cannot say you'll forget. You never do but you will become stronger, wiser, deep in thinking, and instinct sharper. You'll not use the pain to inflict on the person who will give. You'll appreciate even more when it is given out of love.

 

You're going to be alright mate. It will take time but you're going to do just fine. I know it's easy for me to say this, it always is but believe me when I say this.....you got a wonderful life waiting for you.

 

Thanks again!! I know I will survive it I just need to do it! I'm too sensitive and start worrying about hurting HIM! How dumb is that? Clearly he doesn't care about me. I'm sure he won't be hurt at all. Maybe his ego but that's it.

 

He's been texting me throughout the day like nothing is wrong. Still hasn't bothered to call me. He may end up making me a person who breaks up by text! I can't hang on much longer without a conversation. This is ridiculous.

 

I really appreciate your encouraging words. Very helpful!

[preraph]

Honestly, it sounds like he doesn't have much empathy for you or respect for you. He expects you to be respectful and always bolster him though. He's being a jackass and not caring how you feel and he's ignoring your issues needing to talk it out with him. Not sure why'd you'd respond to him after him ignoring you and avoiding the issue. He's probably justified having a good old time (IF he got the opportunity) while out of town and now feels better like he got something over on you and is ready to act like nothing happened. No wonder he had problems with his past relationship. He's mean and not a fair fighter.

[travelbug1996]

This guy sounds emotionally dangerous and all about power and control. Please stop responding to his texts. You owe him nothing. Run don't walk. I've had one like this before and they are emotional and mental blood suckers.

[LilKimmy]

He has zero respect for me clearly. I wish he would've just ended it with me already. I guess I was holding out hope. I have no other choice since he continues to shut me out. Even though I know it is for the best I am devastated.

[Nyc_user]

So, are you still with him?

[LilKimmy]

So, are you still with him?

 

As far as he knows I guess. As far as I am concerned, no! But I haven't talked to him to tell him the news.