Pushing guys away

[spiderowl]

I'm hoping you can give me some useful guidance or insights here. I think I have a problem.

 

I go on online dating sites (yes, I know that can be problematic in itself). I do get contacted by guys. I have been contacted by guys who looked great, seemed nice in their messages, responsible sorts of people, and who wanted to get to know me and meet. Others would jump at the chance, but I come up with all sorts of reasons in my head why they are unsuitable:

 

- too old

- too young

- too far

- must be a player

- only seeking an older woman for a bit of fun

- probably just looking for fun

 

... and so on. I'm a bit like Goldilocks - no-one is quite right. I am fussy, yes, I need an intelligent guy I'm attracted to. I do find myself attracted to some guys but if I do, I assume they are players or too young. Is up to 15 years younger too young? I always think so.

 

Some of these guys may be genuine, I just don't know. I feel like I'd be taking an enormous risk and then kick myself later, when hurt, for not realising what was wrong with them. Tonight, I kicked away a lovely guy who wanted to meet for coffee. He was too young, nearly 20 years too young! Last week, I kicked away another lovely guy because he was too far away and too young, 10 years this time.

 

I find some older guys attractive but usually I have to know them first, like having met them socially. Most guys who write to me online can barely write English so they are ruled out because I need someone bright and literate.

 

I'm confused. I feel a need to turn guys down before they get a chance to hurt me. Am I just a good judge of character or being overly defensive - I don't know? Is there a way forward or another route I could take? I'm certainly getting nowhere with a love-life at the moment, despite having quite a few opportunities.

Edited November 19, 2014 by spiderowl

[OwMyEyeball]

Look at dating as just a way to meet people, share some of your experiences, and if they feel right, reveal some of your soul.

 

When dating is seen as "LTR try outs" I can understand how daunting the entire process must feel.

 

Am I just a good judge of character or being overly defensive?

You won't know until you try

[spiderowl]

Look at dating as just a way to meet people, share some of your experiences, and if they feel right, reveal some of your soul.

 

When dating is seen as "LTR try outs" I can understand how daunting the entire process must feel.

 

 

You won't know until you try

 

Thanks, that's really helpful. You are right, that's what I'm doing, thinking 'could this work in the long run?' and assuming they'd opt out if it were. I don't even know them. I had tried to do that but found that the guys were assuming it was a 'date'. I was taking the safe option and viewing them as a 'friend and see how we get on'. It all ended rather badly with them feeling I wasn't taking them seriously and I felt guilty as if I'd misled them. I hadn't. How do I avoid them jumping to conclusions? It might sound stupid to ask but I did actually tell the guys I met that we would just be meeting as friends. I asked if they were OK with that. They said 'yes' but later it transpired they were looking on it as a date.

Edited November 19, 2014 by spiderowl

[OwMyEyeball]

Are you referring to first dates setup over OLD?

[todreaminblue]

I normally ask straight up what are you after and in so i was lucky enough i guess for them to be straight up......most of the younger guys have wanted me for sex....and honestly most of the older guys too they are about on par with the sex thing......it disheartened me at heart level....made me feel ...well not good enough to actually love just to root.... with online dating.....its not for me

 

 

i actually really miss sex.....but am resolved not to bed a guy until after marriage...so it is disheartening......

 

i am glad they told the truth but it hit hard enough........and i really hold onto the fact ....that i am better than that...theres a guy for me who will see me without involving sex on tap.......online dating isnt for me is what i have found so far ......

 

 

you will find many online daters are out for just sex, tis the play of the game......i wish you well and hope you find the right guy.......as far as younger or older goes men are men at any age ........but half your age plus seven has been my limit when considering a guy for a relationship....and i normally only date older men because i seek maturity more than anything else......men with maturity because i am a single mum first and foremost......and i need a role model for my girls....not another child to look after..i have plenty of them around me......boy men...a definite shortage on the real man front....best of luck.....deb

[Tayken]

I normally ask straight up what are you after and in so i was lucky enough i guess for them to be straight up......most of the younger guys have wanted me for sex....and honestly most of the older guys too they are about on par with the sex thing......it disheartened me at heart level....made me feel ...well not good enough to actually love just to root.... with online dating.....its not for me

 

 

i actually really miss sex.....but am resolved not to bed a guy until after marriage...so it is disheartening......

 

i am glad they told the truth but it hit hard enough........and i really hold onto the fact ....that i am better than that...theres a guy for me who will see me without involving sex on tap.......online dating isnt for me is what i have found so far ......

 

 

you will find many online daters are out for just sex, tis the play of the game......i wish you well and hope you find the right guy.......as far as younger or older goes men are men at any age ........but half your age plus seven has been my limit when considering a guy for a relationship....and i normally only date older men because i seek maturity more than anything else......men with maturity because i am a single mum first and foremost......and i need a role model for my girls....not another child to look after..i have plenty of them around me......boy men...a definite shortage on the real man front....best of luck.....deb

 

 

Bold 1: Yes that is true that 99.9% of OLD folks are just there to bang or be banged.

 

Bold 2: So you are looking for a father for your girls then, where is their father? If anyone should be a role model, it should be you as the parent since you decided to bring them into this world.

 

It's disheartening when I hear parents talking about other people being role models for their kids....NO, that it is the job of the parents.

[Haydn]

Spider what are your experiences in meeting blokes not online? I mean pubs and other social things. Ive never dated online but i always think it`s more fun to chat someone up in person. As for being fussy, in a way we all are despite what we say.

[spiderowl]

Are you referring to first dates setup over OLD?

 

Yes, but I told them we would be meeting as friends but still somehow they behaved as if I'd been leading them on.

[spiderowl]

I normally ask straight up what are you after and in so i was lucky enough i guess for them to be straight up......most of the younger guys have wanted me for sex....and honestly most of the older guys too they are about on par with the sex thing......it disheartened me at heart level....made me feel ...well not good enough to actually love just to root.... with online dating.....its not for me

 

 

i actually really miss sex.....but am resolved not to bed a guy until after marriage...so it is disheartening......

 

i am glad they told the truth but it hit hard enough........and i really hold onto the fact ....that i am better than that...theres a guy for me who will see me without involving sex on tap.......online dating isnt for me is what i have found so far ......

 

 

you will find many online daters are out for just sex, tis the play of the game......i wish you well and hope you find the right guy.......as far as younger or older goes men are men at any age ........but half your age plus seven has been my limit when considering a guy for a relationship....and i normally only date older men because i seek maturity more than anything else......men with maturity because i am a single mum first and foremost......and i need a role model for my girls....not another child to look after..i have plenty of them around me......boy men...a definite shortage on the real man front....best of luck.....deb

 

Thanks, I can understand what you are saying. I must admit, I do think guys are attracted in the first place because of the sex drive. Not all guys who want sex are shallow, though it is hard to tell if that's all they are looking for or if they are looking for a relationship with sex.

 

I've heard quite a few women say half their age plus seven years as a guide. That actually seems quite young to me. Do many women really use that as a guide?

[spiderowl]

Bold 1: Yes that is true that 99.9% of OLD folks are just there to bang or be banged.

 

Bold 2: So you are looking for a father for your girls then, where is their father? If anyone should be a role model, it should be you as the parent since you decided to bring them into this world.

 

It's disheartening when I hear parents talking about other people being role models for their kids....NO, that it is the job of the parents.

 

Actually I disagree with this. I don't think that wanting someone to be a good role model to your children is the same as wanting them to be their father. It's more a question of not wanting to bring anyone dodgy into their lives at all. It's natural to want to protect your children from dubious influences.

[spiderowl]

Spider what are your experiences in meeting blokes not online? I mean pubs and other social things. Ive never dated online but i always think it`s more fun to chat someone up in person. As for being fussy, in a way we all are despite what we say.

 

Thanks for asking Hadyn. Well, I have met people in other social ways but I don't usually find them attractive and then, if I do, they are usually already attached. There are some guys I would find attractive if they didn't have issues - such as drinking too much, smoking, or being excessively geeky to the point of boring. I don't know if it's the circles I move in but the guys I meet tend to be older than me too and they seem not only older but slower mentally and I can't handle that.

 

So in summary, although guys show interest in social situations, it's not usually reciprocated

[todreaminblue]

Bold 1: Yes that is true that 99.9% of OLD folks are just there to bang or be banged.

 

Bold 2: So you are looking for a father for your girls then, where is their father? If anyone should be a role model, it should be you as the parent since you decided to bring them into this world.

 

It's disheartening when I hear parents talking about other people being role models for their kids....NO, that it is the job of the parents.

 

 

the father is still in the picture and i have the right to want to have a guy in my life who the girls can ask fro guidance , or look to emulate in their choice of partners...... it was hard enough when their dad abandoned them and me for another woman...the trust issues alone fro that in relationships they have in the future....so i am trying to find a good hearted responsible mature loving kind man not only for them ....but for me.......that kind of role model...who shows them how a real man loves a woman..how a real man treats a woman...they have seen enough pain......so dont tell me i shouldnt look for a role model for my girls......a man they can look up to ......its exactly what i need in my life....and exactly what they need in theirs......

 

 

and online i havent found that type of man at all ...just more of the sameness.....i am not a fly by night bang me and leave chick...never really have been ....i seek a similar guy...am i a role model for my girls....... i really do try to be......and ill keep looking for that guy who can join me in showing them love and kindness gentleness compassion caring good hearted and natured guy....i dont think its too much to ask for......and it is the job of me as a parent to be with a guy who my girls will respect and abide by....and fully accept as another parent......a step parent.......deb

[gaius]

We're made up of more than one force and in your case one of those forces doesn't want sexual intimacy with anyone. So you're always going to develop an excuse to get rid of potential suitors.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I'm hoping you can give me some useful guidance or insights here. I think I have a problem.

 

I go on online dating sites (yes, I know that can be problematic in itself). I do get contacted by guys. I have been contacted by guys who looked great, seemed nice in their messages, responsible sorts of people, and who wanted to get to know me and meet. Others would jump at the chance, but I come up with all sorts of reasons in my head why they are unsuitable:

 

- too old

- too young

- too far

- must be a player

- only seeking an older woman for a bit of fun

- probably just looking for fun

 

... and so on. I'm a bit like Goldilocks - no-one is quite right. I am fussy, yes, I need an intelligent guy I'm attracted to. I do find myself attracted to some guys but if I do, I assume they are players or too young. Is up to 15 years younger too young? I always think so.

 

Some of these guys may be genuine, I just don't know. I feel like I'd be taking an enormous risk and then kick myself later, when hurt, for not realising what was wrong with them. Tonight, I kicked away a lovely guy who wanted to meet for coffee. He was too young, nearly 20 years too young! Last week, I kicked away another lovely guy because he was too far away and too young, 10 years this time.

 

I find some older guys attractive but usually I have to know them first, like having met them socially. Most guys who write to me online can barely write English so they are ruled out because I need someone bright and literate.

 

I'm confused. I feel a need to turn guys down before they get a chance to hurt me. Am I just a good judge of character or being overly defensive - I don't know? Is there a way forward or another route I could take? I'm certainly getting nowhere with a love-life at the moment, despite having quite a few opportunities.

 

 

 

I think that the above is in large part a function of the uniqueness of internet life/online-dating.

 

When considering the set of responses to a woman's OLD ad, she begins her quest with each of them starting out seemingly perfect. Not only that, but each is a stand-alone entity as well, so he isn't even imperfect by initial comparison to others. (were you at a bar with girlfriends, and a table-full of guys sat down at the next table, you'd immediately feel "I'm going for the distinguished guy with the blue tie", which would help to offer a seeming pecking-order)

 

So when at that bar, you might learn that your top preference lives 3 towns or one hour away, but by that point, you already see him as human, so the distance thing is less a hindrance than when he's merely an otherwise-perfect image on the computer screen.

 

The net causes us to first imagine every individual as perfect... until slowly we chip away at their perfection with each new detail that comes out. In that case, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy would you settle for some guy who lives 3 towns/one hour away, when he is surrounded by such a vast number of perfect images, each with a unique profile on your OLD site.

 

In the real world, we're usually quite enthralled by someone who is "70% perfect", where on the net, somebody who is quickly (just) 90% perfect is behind the field.

 

 

So if you're a woman, playing with the favorable numbers that women typically know in the online world... make yourself go out for what are at least casual evenings with SOME of the prospects, for ultimately you have to make your social successes with real, actual people.

 

It is too easy in online dating, particularly for women, to just stand there, critiquing every pitch as it passes you by, while comparing the first hint at tiny flaws to the relative perfection you (or anyone) still see(s) in the next person on the list.

 

I'm suggesting that most of what you describe above is your mind playing tricks on you. (think back to one of your high school classes, and how it is absolutely laughable that you should have begun the quarter/semester/term with the idea that every one of those guys was perfect). {then consider that you, like everyone else, is probably doing just about that when delving into online dating}

 

Hope this causes your mind to see it differently...

[OwMyEyeball]

Yes, but I told them we would be meeting as friends but still somehow they behaved as if I'd been leading them on.

I don't know if this is standard practice in the UK, but over in North America it's becoming increasingly common for the first 'date' from OLD to be setup more as an initial encounter lasting no more than an hour - usually over coffee (or I suppose tea, in your neck of the woods ).

 

It's much easier to schedule, offers hundreds of possible venues, inexpensive and is intended more as a profile verification and chemistry gauge than an actual first & romantic date. What people say about themselves and who they present themselves as in person can be wildly different. Same goes for photos. A nice chat over tea helps to weed out the mentally deranged, scammers, sex crusaders, socially inept and other undesirables. If they can't manage to hold a decent conversation in a neutral space then there's a very good chance they're probably not quite suited for dating to begin with.

 

Since there's less of a sexual and romantic undercurrent on these dates you're better able to evaluate each other on a soulful and authentic level. You see each other more as who you are rather than who you want to be seen as. That doesn't mean you won't each be bringing a persona to the table, but at least it's more likely to be transparent and will melt away quickly in the presence of the "right" spark. And if that spark is there then the first actual date can then be planned out.

 

Try the 30 minute tea dates. You may get some resistance, but guys who are out there looking to actually connect with another human being and aren't completely socially retarded will be game for the opportunity if they feel your profile and pics match their standards.

[Haydn]

Ahh..Spider your a hard one. Perhaps your just to attractive? My social circle can be a bit intimidating. It's like a party at Kate Moss's house. Keep going to social events. Try some offbeat one's.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for asking Hadyn. Well, I have met people in other social ways but I don't usually find them attractive and then, if I do, they are usually already attached. There are some guys I would find attractive if they didn't have issues - such as drinking too much, smoking, or being excessively geeky to the point of boring. I don't know if it's the circles I move in but the guys I meet tend to be older than me too and they seem not only older but slower mentally and I can't handle that.

 

So in summary, although guys show interest in social situations, it's not usually reciprocated

[Tayken]

the father is still in the picture and i have the right to want to have a guy in my life who the girls can ask fro guidance , or look to emulate in their choice of partners...... it was hard enough when their dad abandoned them and me for another woman...the trust issues alone fro that in relationships they have in the future....so i am trying to find a good hearted responsible mature loving kind man not only for them ....but for me.......that kind of role model...who shows them how a real man loves a woman..how a real man treats a woman...they have seen enough pain......so dont tell me i shouldnt look for a role model for my girls......a man they can look up to ......its exactly what i need in my life....and exactly what they need in theirs......

 

 

and online i havent found that type of man at all ...just more of the sameness.....i am not a fly by night bang me and leave chick...never really have been ....i seek a similar guy...am i a role model for my girls....... i really do try to be......and ill keep looking for that guy who can join me in showing them love and kindness gentleness compassion caring good hearted and natured guy....i dont think its too much to ask for......and it is the job of me as a parent to be with a guy who my girls will respect and abide by....and fully accept as another parent......a step parent.......deb

 

I never said you should stop looking, I simply asked a legit question, and most men will understand why I did. There is obviously a reason why you haven't found that "role model man" yet willing to take on all that.

 

It's not uncommon for women to want a man in their lives, but don't want this same man to discipline when need be. However, when things go south, they are quick to want to go after this same "role model" for child support.

 

Any man will be stupid to fall head over heels for a woman with kids these days...the cons outweigh the pros for the man. The only winner in all this is the woman and her kids

[Tayken]

Ahh..Spider your a hard one. Perhaps your just to attractive? My social circle can be a bit intimidating. It's like a party at Kate Moss's house. Keep going to social events. Try some offbeat one's.

 

Intimidation in Battersea home of the dogs? Blimey ....am surely mising sumfin here

[RedRobin]

However, when things go south, they are quick to want to go after this same "role model" for child support.

 

 

With all of the men I've dated, not one has told me any stories about women wanting them to provide for her kids from a previous relationship. Not one. The women they dated before me were looking for a role model for the kids and a companion for her. That's it. Not a replacement father or replacement paycheck.

 

 

The cure for your concerns is to find a woman who is self-sufficient. Plenty are. Especially if they've had to raise children alone. They are more than likely to be LESS reluctant to let a man into their lives... not the other way around.

 

 

Sheesh. The things you don't know about women is just astonishing sometimes.

[Tayken]

With all of the men I've dated, not one has told me any stories about women wanting them to provide for her kids from a previous relationship. Not one. The women they dated before me were looking for a role model for the kids and a companion for her. That's it. Not a replacement father or replacement paycheck.

 

 

The cure for your concerns is to find a woman who is self-sufficient. Plenty are. Especially if they've had to raise children alone. They are more than likely to be LESS reluctant to let a man into their lives... not the other way around.

 

 

Sheesh. The things you don't know about women is just astonishing sometimes.

 

 

You are forgetting the child support...so hardly alone then They haven't told you because it was not part of your conversation. You probably had your sights set on something else that was clouding your judgement.

 

Have you been married?

[todreaminblue]

I never said you should stop looking, I simply asked a legit question, and most men will understand why I did. There is obviously a reason why you haven't found that "role model man" yet willing to take on all that.

 

It's not uncommon for women to want a man in their lives, but don't want this same man to discipline when need be. However, when things go south, they are quick to want to go after this same "role model" for child support.

 

Any man will be stupid to fall head over heels for a woman with kids these days...the cons outweigh the pros for the man. The only winner in all this is the woman and her kids

 

 

Tayken, I realise its a big ask for a man to take on a ready made family.....but that is what having a relationship with a single mum means and should not be any other way......i cant choose to just leave my kids out of the equation...they are there to stay.....for life......and i also realize and respect men who are not ready for that kind of commitment......i do prefer they let me know that early......

 

as far as looking for that role model......i am not looking anymore......i just cant....going solo......YEs i am the winner and the winner are my children because when the "man " walked away from his family......i am the one who picked up the pieces and survived.......i am the one who walked away with nothing.....does he pay child support yes he does...should he not?

 

 

Online dating is minefield of risk......i am not willing to take......and as far as enittlement goes in a relationship if i were to ever have one again.....as always...i deserve no entitlement other than love.....and thats what i give back....if a man had a child with me.....he out of love and responsibility should support his child........if not for me certainly for the child....and i am talking genetic children here......as far as children go......i cant have anymore anyway...so yeah i understand i dont give much to a possible relationship just a whole heap of baggage...of girls and a woman with issues........and online i think the only baggage they like to see is an overnight bag and a see ya later in the morning...and i have found that to be common....men sometimes disgust me....and your replies are often disheartening..i dont use men......nor would i ever........deb.

[todreaminblue]

You are forgetting the child support...so hardly alone then They haven't told you because it was not part of your conversation. You probably had your sights set on something else that was clouding your judgement.

 

Have you been married?

 

 

child support...hardly covers raising a child...have you ever raised a child tayken...try raising more than one......on your own.....child support ends .....parenting doesnt.....deb

[RedRobin]

You are forgetting the child support...so hardly alone then They haven't told you because it was not part of your conversation. You probably had your sights set on something else that was clouding your judgement.

 

Have you been married?

 

 

?! How do you know what was part of our conversation?

 

 

What 'sights' do you think I'm set on? I've been self-sufficient my entire adult life. Put myself through school.

 

 

When I divorced, we didn't even hire an attorney. We split everything 50/50 even though I made more than him. He had some money from his grandmother's inheritance that I gave back to him (It was previously in both our names)... I did this, even though he cheated on me because I thought it was the right thing to do. It wasn't my money.

 

 

When my fiancée died, all I kept of his was a paperweight we bought together in France, and a photograph we bought together at an art show. Everything else I had of his went to his kids. Because I thought that was the right thing to do. I'm still close to his kids.

 

 

But never mind dude... Any woman like me wouldn't give YOU the time of day since you are so hell bent on assuming every woman is out to get your measly 0.02.... like that's all we care about

 

 

Your kind of paranoia is pretty prevalent amongst divorced men. Usually the ones who took their wives for granted in the first place... is why they divorced. Yea, I run, not walk from those guys. Can spot them a mile away. Sound familiar? You know, everyone has been hurt in some way. It doesn't do you a lot of good to assume every woman is the same though. I understand being cautious. I'm cautious in a lot of ways too... but you really need to stop projecting.

Edited November 22, 2014 by RedRobin

[Tayken]

child support...hardly covers raising a child...have you ever raised a child tayken...try raising more than one......on your own.....child support ends .....parenting doesnt.....deb

 

 

You obviously haven't seen my numerous posts. I raised someone else' daughter i.e. put roof over her head, took her to Disney, etc from age 7 to adult. However, mum always threw it in my face that she will do the discipline because she was trying to make up to the girl for not being with her father. All my decisions e.g. tidy your room, no sleep over till your homework is done etc were overturned.

 

I wasn't telling the girl anything I told our own son. Oh, it the end she tried to come after me for child support for that girl even though she was already collecting one. So yes I am a parent to my own child i.e. 50-50 week on/week off, and have raised someone else's

 

Hence, I know where am coming from, and what am not about to do again especially when daughters are involved. If that girl had been a boy, am sure the story could have been different.

 

But never mind dude... Any woman like me wouldn't give YOU the time of day since you are so hell bent on assuming every woman is out to get your measly 0.02.... like that's all we care about

 

Where I come from and women I associate myself with, don't say "dude" :-) I don't know if I was suppose to be impressed by the mention of France, like most Brits, it's like going down the street for us and we even did school exchanges there and other European cities as kids.

 

I put myself through university at 18, and went back to get another degree thereafter...both hard sciences mind you :-)

 

Any man divorced or not, will be foolish to go in with their eyes closed because of sex. You have a lot to lose than the woman in the end...period!

Edited November 22, 2014 by Tayken

[spiderowl]

We're made up of more than one force and in your case one of those forces doesn't want sexual intimacy with anyone. So you're always going to develop an excuse to get rid of potential suitors.

 

Thanks for your thoughts on this Gaius. It's not true at all, just not keen on the potential suitors. I wish I was because I do want that kind of relationship.