Girlfriend and her ex

[jormat]

Hello

 

I am looking for some advice on a problem which is bugging me.

 

I am a 37 year old man, with a 34 year old women, been together a year, get on great.

 

My girlfriend has had a difficult past, her past two relationships have been very troubled. The second of these relationships finished around a year or so before we got together, i am not somebody who gets hung up on exes, we all have a past and i usually couldnt careless.

 

However, this person was a nasty piece of work, she has only told me a few things and said that is only part of it, i waited for her tell me as when i had asked she didnt respond. However this guy used to verbally abuse her, cheated on her and she said he screwed her head up bad but she was head over heels in love with him. I dont know if he physically abused her but i know he certainly abused her emotionally and also i think he did on a physical sense in the bedroom. Basically it would appear she was like a puppet to him, he just controlled her and she did what he wanted and anytime he messed up begged her forgiveness, they used to split up and get back together when he wanted.

 

Eventually she said she saw the light after 4 years and decided enough was enough, i still dont know if she finished with him or vice versa but i know it affected her massively and she had counselling to get over it and i know it affected her a lot in how she lives her life.

 

As of now she is great, she says she is happier than ever and can finally be herself with me. The girl i know is very stubborn, opionated, passionate and just amazing,yet i still find it hard to believe that she once was this puppet for this man.

 

The problem is i will be attending a wedding in two weeks time where this man will be attending. Now in most cases i think i could ignore him but they both work at the same place and both have the same circle of friends (mainly males) i am only going on the night time, my girlfriend, her ex, their friends are all going in the day.

 

I also know a few people who know him and they just said he is an idiot, one of my friends even banned him from attendng a wedding of his own such is his reputation for caused trouble. A day of drinking surrounded by his work colleagues (their environment is a very male dominated one) is a concern. I have been told he is wind up merchant and to expect that he will make snide comments about my girlfriend, he is very crude and vulgar, the people who have told me this dont know i am going to the wedding and they are trusted friends so i know its not them winding me up, just a warning what sort of character he is if i ever have the misfortune to meet him.

 

I think their mutual friends are decent people and certainly wouldnt encourage him as much out of respect for my girlfriend as anything, but he is a known troublemaker and i will have to sit at the same table as him. My girlfriend isnt bothered, she is over that and no way she would not sit with her friends for his benefit but she wont be the one who can expect a night of drunken abuse.

 

I dont know any other person at this wedding and although i am a good social person, most people going all know this guy, i will be able to be up and about for a bit but i know there are times when i have to listen to him, apparently he is a nightmare when he is drunk.

 

There is no way i will not go because thats not fair on my girlfriend, i dont want to get into a fight, i am not that type of person (plus this guy is a cagefighter and would kick the hell out of me anyway!) i will be able to ignore so much but just having to sit at the same table, knowing the stuff he put her through and then having to listen to his jibes, i just dont know how i am going to deal with it.

 

Any advice welcome, thanks.

Edited November 19, 2014 by jormat

[Joaquin]

You play it cool.

 

Keep your distance from him when you can. If you have to engage keep it civil and superficial.

 

Above all, don't react to anything. Don't drink too much.

[Tayken]

The girl i know is very stubborn, opionated, passionate and just amazing,yet i still find it hard to believe that she once was this puppet for this man.

 

Hmmm...before you get carried away with whatever charm she has on you, ask yourself if you really want to get caught up in the emotional / psychological and unfinished drama in her life?

 

You are going by hearsay and what she has told you, but there is two sides to every story and as you alluded to, she is stubborn. See the yellow flags here?

 

Look in the mirror because you can end up being one of those guys in the future. Never let sex cloud your judgement.

[jormat]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I am normally a very easy going relaxed person and take things in my stride but its the thought of knowing what he did to her as well as having to put up with his comments that is going to test me.

 

I keep picturing a scene of him just smirking and making comments and me having no outlet, i am not jealous of him, he sounds a right idiot but i think when anybody talks disrespectfully about a girlfriend its hard.

 

In reply to the other comment, she is stubborn, opinonated and passionate in all walks of life nowadays, and what i can gather from her friends and family she has always been that way until it came to her love life when 2 x men controlled her, i dont think there is any issue there, i think she can be herself with me but she also knows that i wont be controlled!