partner's reactions to breakups

[misty12]

One of the worst parts of breaking up with someone, is dealing with the reaction from your SO. Of course, the SO has a right to react the way that they are, especially if the breakup is unexpected.

 

I have had a few talks with my husband about divorce, and each time I bring it up he acts shocked that it's something I'm considering, and demands answers. He badgered me for days on end about why I was not having sex with him any more. When I told him the truth, that I am no longer attracted to him due to a variety of reasons including his own hurtful behavior, he lashes out at me that my answer is cruel and hurtful. If you don't want the answer, then don't ask the question!

 

Do people not have a right to do what's best for them and walk away from a relationship thats not working for them? Do we owe our partner answers to every question? Is it our job to ease their emotional pain resulting from the breakup?

 

Honestly, one of the reasons I have not made the final move to divorce my husband is because his reactions are making it so difficult and are adding to my sense of guilt over the whole situation. Making me feel like the bad guy. The one without a conscience. I'm wired to feel like it's my job as a wife to care for the emotional needs of my husband (and vice versa), so this all seems so unnatural.

 

And besides, why would anyone want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

Edited November 19, 2014 by misty12

[WhatYouWantToHear]

Making me feel like the bad guy.

 

Well, you are. At least one of them. Maybe he's a bad guy too, but what you've done isn't nice.

 

On Monday I tell you sometime in the next week I am going to jump out of no where and punch you in the face. How's your week go? Not great right? When's that punch coming? Today? Tomorrow? Saturday night? Jeez I wish I would just get punched in the face already and get it out of the way.

 

That's what you've emotionally done to your husband. You've essentially said, "Sometime, I don't know when, this life you have is going to change dramatically and forever. Well, have a nice week and don't get mad at me for telling you this or make me feel like the bad guy."

 

Be a good person and bring this to a conclusion as soon as possible, divorce him asap.

[Ajax]

 

Do people not have a right to do what's best for them and walk away from a relationship thats not working for them? Do we owe our partner answers to every question? Is it our job to ease their emotional pain resulting from the breakup?

 

 

Do people who've had someone make a vow to stay with them for better or worse have the right to some degree of security and certainty in their relationship?

 

If you made the commitment, then yes, you do owe him answers.

[idoltree]

I have had a few talks with my husband about divorce, and each time I bring it up he acts shocked that it's something I'm considering, and demands answers. He badgered me for days on end about why I was not having sex with him any more. When I told him the truth, that I am no longer attracted to him due to a variety of reasons including his own hurtful behavior, he lashes out at me that my answer is cruel and hurtful. If you don't want the answer, then don't ask the question!

 

If you don't want to give a relationship your all, then don't get married!

 

Look, you are being really unfair and cruel. You are dangling the marriage over his head, and then telling him he deserves it for what he's done. What you are doing is a power move, and it is really unfair to do to someone you love(d) enough to marry.

 

You don't love him? The divorce him ASAP. Someone could write a post here from his point of view "My wife keeps saying she wants to divorce me but she doesn't do it. Then she blames that on me, too." You ARE being really unfair and that is not his fault; it is yours.

 

You love him? Work on your marriage like an adult. That includes learning to forgive him for whatever it is that you are holding over his head. If you are not going to take action on divorcing him, you need marriage counseling, and not in a "blame him for everything", more in a "your behavior is not nice, too" way.

 

Do people not have a right to do what's best for them and walk away from a relationship thats not working for them? Do we owe our partner answers to every question? Is it our job to ease their emotional pain resulting from the breakup?

This isn't a relationship, it's a marriage. "For better and for worse" ring a bell? You in the "for worse" part, and you're reassuring yourself and him about your ability to leave, but you stay.

 

So, no, once you're married, it's not about what is best for you. It's about what is best for your marriage.

 

Yes, you owe your HUSBAND an answer to every question, because he is your HUSBAND. No, it is not your job to ease their emotional pain from the breakup (I like how you consistently use relationship terminology rather than marriage terminology - you sound like a treat to argue with) but you aren't broken up! You're dangling it over his head and enjoying watching his pain. That's pretty sick.

 

Honestly, one of the reasons I have not made the final move to divorce my husband is because his reactions are making it so difficult and are adding to my sense of guilt over the whole situation. Making me feel like the bad guy. The one without a conscience. I'm wired to feel like it's my job as a wife to care for the emotional needs of my husband (and vice versa), so this all seems so unnatural.

Uh, you feel like it's your job to care for the emotional needs of your husband, do ya? It must be really reassuring to tell yourself that, because your post here demonstrates anything but that. Nope, you're abandoning him before you abandon him and taking some sick pleasure out of it.

 

And besides, why would anyone want to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want you?

Oh, so it's all his fault, is it? That's an interesting and unexpected twist.

 

To be honest, I feel like you've got something going on with you. Your post and the nonsensical mental gymnastics you're doing to justify your needless emotional cruelty read like Personality Disorder Central.

 

Being called out is going to make you pretty angry, so now you're going to reply with vitriol and hate, and list your husband's supposed crimes that justify you acting like this, because just as you like to have cruel power over your husband, you provide just enough information here to retain power and shame posters for not knowing the whole story that you never provided.

 

So how about this, too? What he did doesn't matter. You choose to forgive or you leave. Grow up and stop your little middle ground power play.