RedButton Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 So I'm about 20 days into a very civilised and fairly mutual breakup. We both want to be able to see each other again at some point, since we were very close and felt like best friends, but we also knew that could only happen after a lot of time to get our heads clear. I knew that we were having issues just because we were different people, even though we never really did anything to hurt each-other or had major fights, we just were very different and it was straining for both of us I guess. Considering the situation, I don't know how to deal with the 'No Contact' thing. I read that you shouldn't count days, but I'm definitely counting, and giving myself 60 days at a bare minimum before I re-assess if I'm ready or not. Now that I'm in week 3, I find myself either putting on the rose tinted glasses and getting desperate to call her and try and get back together, and then thinking only of the negatives (which I usually end up blaming myself for, often irrationally when I think about it). I'm very much still guilty of hoping to get that text message or email from her asking me to see her and patch things up, even though I try hard to not think like that. I'm guessing this is why we set aside time for ourselves, to work through all these feelings but it just feels so odd, like I don't know if I want her back or not, and am I just counting the days so I can contact her or will I actually be getting over it? Anyone have experience with this kind of situation? No anger or feelings of doing something wrong (mostly) but just confusion on what you want and the feeling of 'waiting' for some kind of resolution or understanding? Apologies if this topic is covered elsewhere or commonly answered.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 It's some version of "buyer's regret." In hindsight your memory only thinks about the good stuff. Force yourself to logically realize why you made the right decision to be apart.
Author RedButton Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 It's some version of "buyer's regret." In hindsight your memory only thinks about the good stuff. Force yourself to logically realize why you made the right decision to be apart. I do notice myself concentrating on only the good things, and I've been trying to actively think about things that used to upset me or times when I felt that it wasn't working out, and it kind of helps, but hurts at the same time. Obviously it's not nice to think about bad times, but it's giving me perspective. I'm happy that I've got some time I can think about it all independently and assess the situation and what happened. I still feel like I just want things to go back to 'how they were' a lot of the time, but I think that's just longing for the familiar as well. I know that if I were to have my ex reach out to me, I'd quickly jump back to them, although I think I'd force myself to first talk things out and see if we can fix any issues we had previously. I'm sure this is a dangerous way of thinking, but it's something I can't extinguish just yet. I'm really hoping that by the new year I'll have better clarity.
dumbass2 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 If you have a really good close friend that you can lean on, that really helps a lot. I had a couple that have been great and have helped tremendously when ever I had the urge to contact my ex. They also had different perspectives on my issue since one is happily married and the other dating someone and offered advice that wasn't what my want my heart always wanted to hear. I also did stay active, which is hard, but you have to try and do that. After 3 months of NC my ex finally contacted me again and after having that time to go through and processes everything and take the raw emotions out that were so fresh right afterwards, I have finally been able to think with a much clearer head and my feelings have changed a bit. My head is now almost inline with my heart, which when that happens, you make the best decisions for yourself.
Author RedButton Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 ^Thanks dumbass (that sounds so horrible to type!) I'm lucky in that I have some great friends but mostly family that I can talk to and who have been very helpful to let out my thoughts. I'm feeling less need to contact my ex since the first week, when the urge to send a text message or email was very strong. Right now I find myself hanging by the phone hoping for them to contact me, but I imagine that will subside soon as well. In terms of staying active, I've been trying very hard to do that. I took a day off work the first week when I was a bit of a wreck, but haven't missed a day since. I see my friends a lot, work on my hobbies and will probably be joining a gym next week as well. It really does help, and then when I do have a day in or a quiet evening it doesn't feel like a 'bad' thing but a chance to finally relax.
dumbass2 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 (edited) By the way, I was dumped and it was very amicable and we still are on those terms today. I'm not a "book" reader, but I did find it helped give my mind hours of much need time away from thinking about her. It really worked wonders in my down time. One of my problems that I was able to reflect back on and see I need to work on was being too much of a "nice" guy. I found a book that might help me on the subject and it has given me a better perspective on things I am taking what I've learned into my next relationship. I took the time to improve myself. Not just stay active physically, but mentally. My improvements need to come from within. Another thing I got away from after a while was going on here to post. I did it a lot in the beginning, but after going on NC, I got away from here for a time and then came across one particular poster that helped me a great deal and kept in contact with her only. I found I was getting just too much different advice and it was just adding to my confusion, so after a point you need to take a break from here. Another thing that helped greatly was writing down feelings and emotions and things i wanted to say to my ex and saved them on my computer. That is part of the process and in doing that it helped, especially when I looked back at them weeks or months later and found that my feelings were changing. They were becoming less clouded by the raw emotions and were more of how I truly was. I laughed at some them and deleted them. They are now all gone from my computer. Edited November 19, 2014 by dumbass2
Author RedButton Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 I'm actually an avid reader, and have so much commute time to work that I burn through books very fast. Having said that I finished one shortly after the breakup and haven't had a chance to buy a new one. I should do that ASAP. I've been writing things down as well, but most of it is very positive in a way, thinking of the good things I can take from the relationship and what I would say to her as a 'thanks'. I might send her a letter when I'm ready, but for now it's just in a word document. In terms of figuring out myself, I was told to never change when we parted ways. I'm trying to focus on things that will make me feel positive, trying to learn a new skill or going to the gym etc is on my list at the moment, as well as working on my creative projects more. I'll see how I go in the coming days, it's still always in the back of my mind and I'm always kind of hoping that she'll be the one to break the ice first.
Mi7522 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Once you are indifferent to the relationship your mind will be much clearer. The fact that you are waiting for a response says that you're still hanging on to hope and that is never a good thing. Get yourself better and that is when you decide if you want to proceed and when you are indifferent to it all it won't matter if it works out because you have moved on
Firestarter1069 Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 It's some version of "buyer's regret." In hindsight your memory only thinks about the good stuff. Force yourself to logically realize why you made the right decision to be apart. Sorry to hijack this thread, but what if there truly wasn't anything but good stuff for your memory to think about? What if the only "bad" thing is the day you decided to spend time apart. It gets hard to only think about ONE thing after awhile, doesn't it?
Author RedButton Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 Sorry to hijack this thread, but what if there truly wasn't anything but good stuff for your memory to think about? What if the only "bad" thing is the day you decided to spend time apart. It gets hard to only think about ONE thing after awhile, doesn't it? Well if there was only good things from your perspective, you'd have to think about it from the other person's perspective too. If they weren't happy, eventually you BOTH wouldn't have been happy IMO. If it were able to work I think it would have, especially if you put in the effort. There's no point trying to fix something that cannot be fixed? That's my take on it at least.
Jimmyjackson Posted November 20, 2014 Posted November 20, 2014 Depends on how long the relationship was I guess. my ex girlfriend dumped me after a 9 month relationship, for the first 2 months I was devastated, last two or three weeks I've been significantly better, I still think of her from time to time but nowhere near as much. She posted some new photos on Facebook the other day and I thought she didn't look as attractive as she used to. It just gets better with time, NC is definitely the best route.
Author RedButton Posted November 24, 2014 Author Posted November 24, 2014 Sorry to bump this thread, but I figured it's better than making a new post. Going into week four and I found that last week was really tough, found myself missing her a lot more on weekends as I realised there was a big hole in my social life without her. I think I'm coping okay, but still having bad days and thinking about her a lot. I do find myself wanting to start dating again sometimes, but I usually shoot that idea down since I feel if I do I'll just hurt myself trying to fill that gap, or it'll be too soon and I'll end up hurting myself and anyone I might start seeing. I had a friend tell me that in a similar situation her and her ex saw each other for dinner after 5 weeks, I'm certain I won't be able to see her as just a friend that quickly. The thought of my ex seeing other guys still hurts, so I think I'll need more time. I'm hoping it'll be a stage eventually where I won't even think of her for a full day or at least not be on my mind for 90% of the day. I do feel I'm getting used to the idea that we won't be getting back together, but it's still a soft faint voice in my head saying 'maybe...'.
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