Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I'm not as happy in my relationship as I could be. It's to the point that I consider breaking up at least twice a week. Not the actual act of wanting to break up, but I question if things will ever get better. I really want to express my unhappiness and my desire to somehow improve this. Of course, I want to do so in a way that isn't rejecting him or making him feel horrible.
Jules Dash Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Start with writing your feelings down as if you are writing him a letter telling him how you feel. Read it to yourself out loud once you are finished. It will be much easier afterward.
Toodaloo Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 First off you have to work out what is actually making you unhappy, why it makes you unhappy then what can be done to resolve it. Example. I am unhappy because I am tired all the time, please can you start helping with the dishes so I can have more time to relax with you. That way you are saying this is the problem, this is how to do something about it and when you do that I can spend more time on you ergo no rejection.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Can you specify what would make you happy? If so you sit the other person down & you say "When X happens I feel upset & unhappy. Going forward if we could work together on Y that would be an improvement." If you just generally have a sense of malaise & you have no idea why you are blue, you can't just blame your relationship for that. You have to get to the root of your own issue 1st. 1
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 Here is an example: Yesterday, he had a horrible day yesterday. One that left him discouraged. I wanted to make him feel better so I asked why don't we meet at the park and hanky panky to blow off some steam. It was meant to be fun, flirty and cheer him up. He said it was 20 degrees, freezing weather. I asked him to call me later that night around my lunch break. He didn't do so. I later found that he spent his evening with the guys at one of their homes. Which means one of the following: He was with them when I calledHe was getting dressed and on the way to hang with themThey contacted him after me and he up and went I'm not pleased at all.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 So tell him that. Don't express it in terms of what he can't do or who you give him permission to hang out with. Say something like Can we talk about what happened yesterday? I knew you were upset & I reached out to try to cheer you up. I kind of felt blown off & then I really felt hurt when I found out you went out with the guys. Rational or not, it made me feel like you were picking them over me. What do you think we can do together that will help me feel more valued by you? You have to put it in your own words; my language is kind of formal. But do talk. If you can't talk, walk away because what's the point?
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 So tell him that. Don't express it in terms of what he can't do or who you give him permission to hang out with. Say something like Can we talk about what happened yesterday? I knew you were upset & I reached out to try to cheer you up. I kind of felt blown off & then I really felt hurt when I found out you went out with the guys. Rational or not, it made me feel like you were picking them over me. What do you think we can do together that will help me feel more valued by you? You have to put it in your own words; my language is kind of formal. But do talk. If you can't talk, walk away because what's the point? I can talk. I'm just very aggressive normally. I'm trying to avoid a fight. I basically want him to know that I want to feel valued more.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Turn the aggression inward. Make it about how you feel not what he did.
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Here is an example: Yesterday, he had a horrible day yesterday. One that left him discouraged. I wanted to make him feel better so I asked why don't we meet at the park and hanky panky to blow off some steam. It was meant to be fun, flirty and cheer him up. He said it was 20 degrees, freezing weather. I asked him to call me later that night around my lunch break. He didn't do so. I later found that he spent his evening with the guys at one of their homes. Which means one of the following: He was with them when I calledHe was getting dressed and on the way to hang with themThey contacted him after me and he up and went I'm not pleased at all. Maybe he felt he could discuss what actually happened with his mates rather than just seek light relief? Did you talk to him about it? Did you try to give him constructive advice on how to handle the situation internally or externally? I can talk. I'm just very aggressive normally. I'm trying to avoid a fight. I basically want him to know that I want to feel valued more. I'd imagine your anxiety makes you angry. You must be mindful of that and tackle the root of the anxiety. Focus on the fact that discussing it rationally will make you feel better. Turn the aggression inward. Make it about how you feel not what he did. Never ever turn 'aggression inward' OP. That would just make everything worse. The idea is understanding what is behind your anger and dealing with the root cause. Understanding the drive behind your emotions is the best way of dealing with them rationally.
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 I want to make the conversation as general as possible by avoiding speaking specifically about what happened last night. Is it enough to say something along the lines of: "I don't feel cherished anymore. I really wish we could have more moments where it is just you and I. "
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I want to make the conversation as general as possible by avoiding speaking specifically about what happened last night. Is it enough to say something along the lines of: "I don't feel cherished anymore. I really wish we could have more moments where it is just you and I. " You should always specifically say what the matter is. That's how you avoid talking 'female' and actually communicate what a guy will understand. Tell him calmly what bothered you about last night. Without accusatory tones. Think through what the matter is and tell him. You won't get a meaningful response to 'I don't feel cherished anymore'. If someone said that to me I wouldn't have a clue what that meant exactly. 2
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 Maybe he felt he could discuss what actually happened with his mates rather than just seek light relief? Did you talk to him about it? Did you try to give him constructive advice on how to handle the situation internally or externally? I'd imagine your anxiety makes you angry. You must be mindful of that and tackle the root of the anxiety. Focus on the fact that discussing it rationally will make you feel better. Never ever turn 'aggression inward' OP. That would just make everything worse. The idea is understanding what is behind your anger and dealing with the root cause. Understanding the drive behind your emotions is the best way of dealing with them rationally. His employer passed on him for a salaried position. This has happened before, but he keeps trying. Basically his friends were drinking and speaking on how much money they have. In which he doesn't have it at all. I'm not sure it he hast started drinking
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 His employer passed on him for a salaried position. This has happened before, but he keeps trying. Basically his friends were drinking and speaking on how much money they have. In which he doesn't have it at all. I'm not sure it he hast started drinking Is he an alcoholic? What did you say to him - apart from that sexual joke? Did you give him advice on how to handle the problem?
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 Is he an alcoholic? What did you say to him - apart from that sexual joke? Did you give him advice on how to handle the problem? I told him to keep working hard, remain positive and that eventually his hard work would be acknowledged and appreciated. My overall message was for him not to give up. He isn't an alcoholic but used to be. 1
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 He isn't an alcoholic but used to be. If he was an alcoholic, he will always remain an alcoholic. So are you worried really that he has started drinking? 1
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 A little. If he is bragging about money that he doesn't have, that's telling me that he has esteem issues maybe. I'm thinking that I may need to sit him down and see if anything is wrong.
Emilia Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 A little. If he is bragging about money that he doesn't have, that's telling me that he has esteem issues maybe. I'm thinking that I may need to sit him down and see if anything is wrong. I think the two of you need to sit down and honestly discuss where your relationship is going. You also need to work out for yourself whether you are happy to be with someone who crumples under stress. Which is what a lot of alcoholics are like. Their coping skills and emotional resilience tend to be very low, in my experience (unfortunately).
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 I think the two of you need to sit down and honestly discuss where your relationship is going. You also need to work out for yourself whether you are happy to be with someone who crumples under stress. Which is what a lot of alcoholics are like. Their coping skills and emotional resilience tend to be very low, in my experience (unfortunately). At the end of the day, I guess I can't really be upset if he already had plans. I need to figure out where my issue really lies. If I'm making such a big deal over a missed outing, I must not be satisfied with our overall together time.
d0nnivain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Never ever turn 'aggression inward' OP. That would just make everything worse. I didn't mean that she should self hate. What I meant was take all that energy / what I'm down grading to assertiveness & use it to modulate what she says to her partner. I don't want the OP to come at him guns blazing screaming about how unhappy she is in an in-your-face-manner. I want her to use her aggressive nature to restrain herself & exercise self control when discussing the issue with her BF. Diplomacy is important.
Rejected Rosebud Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 It sounds like the communication between you two is not very good. You both need to talk openly and listen. I have a feeling he might be as unhappy as you are right now. Not to blame you at all but he is not looking to you for comfort … drinking, and if he "was" an alcoholic and now he's drinking that's serious. I hope you two get it all worked out if that's what you want!
Author Maxie Max Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 It sounds like the communication between you two is not very good. You both need to talk openly and listen. I have a feeling he might be as unhappy as you are right now. Not to blame you at all but he is not looking to you for comfort … drinking, and if he "was" an alcoholic and now he's drinking that's serious. I hope you two get it all worked out if that's what you want! Nah. He brought the news of the new position to me and I talked to him about. I'm not sure that he was drinking with them or not just that he was around it. That's not to say that he didn't, but I don't know. I will however work on our communication.
Recommended Posts