HeartshapedBrain Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 so I had to talk to my boyfriend about our relationship last saturday, as things weren't going very well for me. right now I'm in love, so I'm confused as what to do, I'd like some help. during the talk, we realized that while for me relationships play a special role in one's life, for him it's just one more thing. he doesn't put too much effort into it, while I do more than I should. we even brought up a situation where we'd both take different actions: had we planned a date but for some reason me or him was tired, he said he would cancel it, while I said I'd certainly go to it and rest later. while to me our relationship is very important, to him his own needs comes first (not all of the time, but most of it). he realized that and after I brought up some situations we went through, he started to cry and said he needed to think because he was unsure whether he would be able to give me what I deserved or not. then he hugged me really hard and said he would try his best to change and to be less selfish when it comes down to our relationship. he's trying, I can see it. but I'm afraid he's trying out of obligation and that soon it will drive him away. so what I'd like to know is: is it okay for someone to behave like that? I'm confused because I don't know if it's just his personality, what doesn't means he doesn't like/love me, or if it's a red flag and I should be aware. he talks about the future, he says I'm the one, he says he loves me, but when it comes down to actions, it's kinda meh. it feels like I need something more, I feel incomplete, sometimes insecure. it's not like I rely on him, I have my own life, but it feels like he doesn't think too much about me or us, mostly about him.
Els Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 I'm confused. You've listed examples of differences between priorities - but all of them just involved talking about hypothetical scenarios. How long have you two been together? Do his actions also demonstrate lack of effort? Does he actually cancel dates? 1
evanescentworld Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 OP, what are your ages, please.....? 1
Author HeartshapedBrain Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 we've been together for 4 months, both 22. let me try to be more clear. when something happens, i'm not one he will tell right way. yesterday, for example, we had planned to go out with some of his friends. his friends cancelled, but he didnt bother to tell me, until I asked, even though he knew it for hours already - he suggested we could hang out tho, after I asked, so it's ok I guess. a few weeks ago he posted on facebook that he decided to quit his job (which he left for good yesterday, that's why we were going out, kinda to celebrate cause he hated it), his friends already knew it, but I didnt and I only got to know about it because of that facebook post. there are more situations like these, where his friends knows everything about him while I don't know much. I just wish he could see me as someone who he'll be reminded of and can share stuff too, ask for advice, tell me when it's not going to work, or when plans change, whatever. I don't feel like he's my partner. i'm always the last to know. the other day he got mad at me. I noticed something was up, so I asked him. he said everything was alright. during this weekend he left his cellphone on with a convo open with a friend and I snooped. he actually told his friend how pissed off he was. I asked again and he kept on denying it. I didn't say I looked his convo, but yeah, why wouldn't he tell me if I asked? idk, it's like he does like me, but every now and then I feel unimportant. like I'm just something more in his life. do you think I'm overreacting?? is it okay for your boyfriend to be like that? I'm not throwing away the possibility that I may be the problem, I know Im a lil insecure and a lil clingy too, but afterall all I want is feel closer to my bf :\\\
evanescentworld Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Oh bless you... so young - and "not fully cooked" yet..... Investment in relationship: You - 100% of your attentive commitment. Him - 60% of his attentive commitment. Your 'lil clingy/lil insecure' is trying to make up his missing 40% - and sadly, it never will. He's too young to fully commit, because, well, he's just not mature enough to see that this matters all that much. Remember that in some emotional aspects, he's a good 2 - 4 years 'younger' than you are.... And because you feel insecure/needy, what you're actually trying to do is infill what's missing, for you. You're making an all-out effort, because of the way you wish it was. I hate to put a damper on it, but try not to set a huge store on this relationship. It's fun while it's lasting, but I don't think it either is, or will be, the great, huge, final love of your life.
Author HeartshapedBrain Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 sad to hear that, but tbh, I've been just waiting for the time he will leave or I'll finally have the guts to say "this is not working for me and we're stopping right now". I wish I could say it would be fun while it's lasting but what I really feel is that I'm wasting my time with someone who'll never give me what I'm looking for, yet he's one of the best that has appeared in my life so far (tho I know Im young) and I don't wanna break up without a very solid reason (like him being very distant, cheating, lying, etc...)
evanescentworld Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 That's an understandable sentiment, but there again, you mean you're going to hold onto something you know isn't working, just because the reason isn't 'solid' enough? So, how long will that take? What if he never cheats or does anything like that? Love wanes. People change. If something isn't ticking all the boxes, and you're not happy because you know there's a mis-match, there's unfortunately little point in staying, to 'hold it together', knowing that it's not really doing either of you any satisfying good. If you buy a pair of shoes, and they pinch, or aren't 100% your colour, you're not going to keep wearing them because you're waiting for the heel to fall off, are you?
Author HeartshapedBrain Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 you're right... Im investing too much, he's doing too little. In 10 days I'll be in college break so I'll wait for that to break up. don't wanna do that now with a ****load of exams and projects to study for, as I know I'll be sad for a while. gonna try to keep my mind off of things for now and then tell him it's better if we go our own ways. ty a lot evanescentworld.
LostOnes05 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 From my perspective (as a man), take some time on your own to think about the situation before breaking up with this guy. It has only been 4 months, granted. I'm 28, and I often hear women complain in their relationships when their boyfriend/husband comes to them with problems often. The boyfriend or husband then gets labeled as needy, clingy, and weak because they can't deal on their own. Think about what he may be going through and legitimately ask him to be open and honest with you. Lots of men (myself included sometimes) hold a lot in and attempt to fix things on our own without reaching out for help. Obviously, I don't know your boyfriend but there may be something else going on in his life. Sit down and just talk. Let him know that you are there for him and that he doesn't have to feel the need to hide his feelings. He may not want to burden you with things because he knows you already have a lot on your plate. People deal with issues very differently. I say this so that you give it a second thought and don't make a rash decision, but a thoughtful and informed one. If it doesn't work out...it doesn't work out, but at least you tried. Have a chat with him and be blunt. Tell him that the relationship can not and will not sustain itself if he isn't expressive and inclusive (but make sure that's what you want). Tell him that you are not a mind reader, but you are his girlfriend and most importantly his friend. If he can't be open with you after those statements, then you've done all you can.
Author HeartshapedBrain Posted November 20, 2014 Author Posted November 20, 2014 lostones, I'm not looking for a boyfriend who will always appear with a problem, but one that will count on me if he needs help. one that will put me in his life as a very important part of it, so he will share with me problems, how his day was, things that made him happy that day, something funny that happened or that he heard, anything... I just want to feel like Im part of his life, not just someone he sees sometimes to kiss and have sex, you know? but that's not how he sees me. doesnt means he's wrong or mean or anything, but right now we're not compatible. ive done that many times, I already told him how important it is to me to hear more from him when we're not together, how it's important for me to know about his plans, what makes him happy/sad... he's just mysterious, what often leads me to think that he may be hiding something, or is not that into me, or doesn't see me as someone he would share his life with, or like he wants to hide stuff purposedly to not look vulnerable... idk. he says everything is all going great for him, but for me it's not. perhaps maybe i should give him more time before I can get him to be the partner I want him to be. maybe he never will though. it's a bit frustrating. i keep thinking what evanescentworld said is right; i'm doing too much, more than i should, to fulfill what he isn't filling for me. that can't end well... not for me at least.
Recommended Posts