BF still attached to ex wife

[eseea]

Sure you need to find out if you're a rebound but it's sad that everyone jumps to that conclusion. That you have to discover on your own.

 

One question to ask yourself is why are you so bothered by this woman? Jealousy? Do you feel she threatens your relationship? It's important that you understand the nature of that. What has she done to wrong you and cause such negative feelings? I'm guessing not much, she's simply the ex. Would you feel bothered by their communication if you knew 100% that he would never leave you for her?

 

Communication is the most important skill in a relationship. That is what needs to be practiced; being able to discuss important topics with cool heads, no accusations, no blowing things out of proportion.

 

Then you need to set the tone, the precedent for conversation. Tell him that calm, honest, open communication is a must for you to be in a relationship. You both deserve to express your feelings and concerns without the conversation blowing up. All you're doing is expressing feelings, not directing blame, or determining solutions. All you want out of the conversation is for both of you to hear each other.

 

You can express what you feel when he talks with her, and why you feel that way. Maybe you are scared because you've been cheated on before, or your dad left the family when you were little and you are afraid of being abandoned again. There is no blame, no demands, just facts. You may find that he figures out the solution on his own once he understands your side.

 

Then expect him to do the same. Why does he want to keep in touch? Not just for the girl, buy WHY is it important to him to be the one who cares for the little girl? Is it about keeping the ex in his life or is he just a compassionate man? Caring for a vulnerable young girl seems like a positive quality to me. Maybe when you understand his feelings and reasons you won't feel so threatened by the ex.

 

The part in bold is the best advice I have ever received regarding relationships. You are so right and yet very few people manage to communicate in this way. I will try to do this when he comes back from his business trip.

 

Regarding his ex, the first thing i noticed during our first dates was how much he talked about her. This made me reluctant to start a relationship with him. I started to withdraw and eventually i told him i don't think he is over his ex. He insisted that he doesn't want her back and stopped talking about her. From that point on he never gave me any reason to doubt him, until the first vacation together when i asked about her and we argued.

 

Another thing that made me reluctant was his general attitude and exaggerated generosity: he married her and saw that the relationship was bad and no matter what she did he insisted to keep it going. I have seen videos from his wedding: she was not looking at him at all, seemed to be mad and anytime he happened to be near her she would send him away looking disgusted. And in the end, when there was no other way but divorce ( she already had someone else), he gave her the apartment that he had bought - for the little girl he said- and she moved her lover in immediately. I could not understand it: why would you put up with all that crap, put yourself second, accumulate huge debts for the wedding, the apartment, gifts and vacations? Finally, i decided that was the past and I shouldnt be judging him for it.

 

Recently, I found out that she wanted to break up before getting married and he made her change her mind. So in fact, it wasn't that she changed after getting married, he knew she wanted to break up, they fought all the time, and he still insisted to be with her.

 

This is why i am bothered by this woman. I feel that she has been able to manipulate him and string him along for such a long time. It is incredible that after all that happened he still thinks she is a good person and she was not in the relationship for the money ( as i said before, she has not worked in the last 4 years), that she's just a weak person. I feel that she has been and is using the girl to keep him attached to her. She lived with another man ( the one she cheated with) for more than a year and she still insisted to keep in touch with my bf, insisted on the "friendship". I think she was keeping him on standby, just in case her relationship doesn't work, so she would have someone to support her. I mean, she obviously didn't want to be with him, what reason would she have for this "friendship"?

 

You are right about my abandonment issues too: my parents did divorce and i later found out my father was living with his lover, he had been cheating for many years. This has affected me and it has shown in every relationship i had, i was always too quick to give up. This time i tried to slow down, not jump to conclusions and leave. Maybe i picked the worst time to do things in a different way.

[eseea]

This is a dilemma indeed. I do agree with PogoStick that most of the posts have been nothing but conjecture and that it is very difficult to gauge his true motives and why he reacts so strongly. I also agree that his reactions are out of proportion and that disrespectful behavior and communication never promotes intimacy but just hinders it. I am concerned, however, over your stance about his desire to remain a part of this little girl's life. "She's not even his" seems to be a very shortsighted response. Seriously? I mean how would that impact families that adopt, big brothers/sisters who invest in lives of kids all over this country, or to anyone who cares about the welfare of a child no matter how they met? The fact that she is not his supposedly means that he should just stop caring and stop communicating with her just because that will put him in contact with her mother? How could a child understand something like that?

 

The truth is that there are definite "red flags" in this relationship. I have been divorced for five years and I am not over it yet (although we were married for 16 years not 1.5). Your concern about him having contact with her is understandable, but these are the things that have to be navigated when entering into a relationship with a divorced person (especially a newly divorced person). They are not insurmountable, however, as long as the two of you are open and honest with one another and clear about your expectations. Some counseling help wouldn't hurt either.

 

I hope this is a help. Relationships are messy but well worth the energy and commitment. Protecting your heart and moving along slowly is always better than simply rushing in. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

First of all, thank you for your answer, it really helps.

 

I did not express myself correctly: if she was his child, It would make more sense to me, it is logical that he would want to be involved in her life. And i would be worried if he would refuse it.

 

But in the present situation, he insists he cares about the little girl, but he talks to her mother primarily, not to the girl. He visited her 3 times this year, it's not like they are very close and she sees him as her father ( she doesn't have a father). What difference does it make for the girl's life the fact that he texts her mom every 2 weeks ( so he says, i don't know how often they communicate) and that he sees her every 4 months?

 

As i said in my previous post, i am convinced that his ex is using the girl to keep him attached. And this whole thing with the ex and the girl is smth that he did not share with me until now. This is what bothers me, not that he goes and visits the girl every 4 months and brings her a gift. I would feel less threatened if he would share the details of this relationship and let me be involved: tell me that he talked to his ex, that the girl is doing well in school, etc, that he wants to visit her and when, have everything out on the table.

Until now, each time I asked, he was upset, we argued. I asked him to be more open about this, come and tell me alone about this subject, involve me, not wait for me to ask. After the last argument he has promised to do so. Now all i can do is wait to see if he keeps his word.

[eseea]

It seems to me, you were seen as an excuse to recover from his previous relationship. Get in a relationship as quick as possible to get over the loss of the child and wife he once knew. But that has detrimental effects, because if you calmly bring up subjects that he blows up about, seems to me, he can't get over someone and perhaps can't get over the fact that he was cheated on.

 

After our last argument, this is exactly what i started to worry about.

But he insists he wants to be with me, his behaviour hasn't changed. Maybe he's just telling me what i want to hear, like smackie says.

[Poppygoodwill]

Let's assume that the girl is really important to him and it's not just a ploy to stay connected ot the ex. Then he should want to create a long term and more permanent relationship with her, that includes you as the important person in his life. I would hope that you could accept it if you were a big part of it. Just because she's not his blood, doesn't mean he doesn't think of her like family.

 

So here's my thought, to see how to make this positive and also to get a sense of his true commitment to a relationship with the little girl: suggest to him that the two of you take her for the afternoon one day. Just a fun few hours together, a play park or similar, some ice cream. He'll get to see her, you'll be introduced to the girl, and her mother, as a fact of life, you'll get to know the girl and have a better understanding of his attachment to her, and the whole thing has a chance of moving forward in a new way.

 

If he won't do this, or the ex won't permit it, then you might find that as helpful information when it comes to figuring out how genuine a connection he has to the girl, and thus to the mum.

[eseea]

Let's assume that the girl is really important to him and it's not just a ploy to stay connected ot the ex. Then he should want to create a long term and more permanent relationship with her, that includes you as the important person in his life. I would hope that you could accept it if you were a big part of it. Just because she's not his blood, doesn't mean he doesn't think of her like family.

 

So here's my thought, to see how to make this positive and also to get a sense of his true commitment to a relationship with the little girl: suggest to him that the two of you take her for the afternoon one day. Just a fun few hours together, a play park or similar, some ice cream. He'll get to see her, you'll be introduced to the girl, and her mother, as a fact of life, you'll get to know the girl and have a better understanding of his attachment to her, and the whole thing has a chance of moving forward in a new way.

 

If he won't do this, or the ex won't permit it, then you might find that as helpful information when it comes to figuring out how genuine a connection he has to the girl, and thus to the mum.

 

So far, he has never taken the girl for a walk or movies or smth, he has only went to the apartment, spent one hour with the girl ( and the mother ) and that was it.

One friend has suggested that i go with him, but i found that very awkward. I find your idea much better, provided that the mother agrees. Even if she does not let the girl come without her, the meeting would still be on neutral ground.

[PogoStick]

Regardless of how this turns out, you've learned valuable skills and insights about yourself that will greatly benefit you in whatever relationship you end up. Now it's time to put it all out there and then trust your instincts based on his reactions. You're doing the right thing, now make sure he does too. You're worthy of a good guy so don't settle for less.

 

Best wishes.

[howcouldInotknow]

Divorced men especially divorced men who have been cheated on are difficult. A friend explained it to me saying he wanted to stop the bleeding. Every time he stopped moving or he was alone his heart bled. The women he dated were like bandaids they temporarily kept the hurt and emotions from spilling out.