Will guys ever change their minds about having children one day?

[kitkatleen]

Hi all, i'm new to LS.

My boyfriend is 25 and i'm 23, we had been together close to a year. I always loved kids and wanted a family at a young age. But as i grew older, i figured that i wanted to wait till i'm stable enough but i would want a family in future.

 

As for my boyfriend, he dislikes kids.. He ever thought that he won't have kids. But now he thinks that having children is inevitable eventually. We had few talks about this, he said he thinks that he will eventually "grow up" and one day will like kids and want one. And i asked him "what if you don't?" He said he would "force" himself to have one because he knew how much i love kids and wants a family. Personally i don't feel good about it because i don't want him to be forced into something he dislike and i want us to enjoy parenthood together.

 

Do any of you guys out there ever changes your mind? The point is, he did not insist that he wouldn't want kids but he's doing it for me. I would appreciate any advice!

 

Thank you

-katleen

[CatalystNX]

Yes, it does happen. At one point I said I never wanted kids, now that's changed dramatically. Amazing what finding the right person can do.

 

I think the fact that he says he'd have them for you is his way of admitting that he's more open to the idea than he maybe has been in the past.

 

I know it was a process for me. Took about 6-7 years. The older/more mature I got the more I started thinking 'well, maybe someday' and then evolved into wanting them.

 

That said, I always liked kids even when I never wanted any of my own, which you say isn't the case with your boyfriend.

[Anderlie]

My husband and I are CF, he wouldn't even have one for me. So with that in mind I'm going to be a little brutal: stop and think about the CHILD. You might have a kid and your BF might love it but what if he doesn't? What if you end up with an angry, resentful partner who doesn't help you with the baby, let alone how that might taint his interactions with it? Why is it important to you that someone who barely even wants to be a parent 50% be the person you choose to be in your life and your child's life forever?

 

I will never understand the cavalier way people will gamble with human life.

[Trimmer]

My experience, for what it's worth... I didn't particularly want kids - didn't "hate" them, but pretty much saw myself not having them. Before we were married, when my wife and I were still dating, she made it clear that having kids was necessary for her, and that she would be sad about it, but that it would be a deal-breaker for "us" if I didn't want to do so. I wanted to be with her, so as part of deciding to get married, I agreed to it and we moved forward with "let's do this adventure together..."

 

We had two kids - they are the most spectacularly fantastic things in my life, and while I'm not perfect, I'm a pretty good parent and full of love for these human beings...

 

But when our oldest was 8 years old, my wife decided she wanted out of the marriage. So I was left with the following thoughts: (a) I wanted to be with her so much that I changed my life plan regarding kids; (b) she didn't want to be with me enough to change her life plan; for her it was kids first, and she was ready to let me go if I didn't meet that need; © she helped convince me that having kids would be a grand adventure, partly by reaching out her hand (metaphorically, and at the time, literally) and saying "trust me, this will work, because we will do it together"; and (d) today our kids are teenagers, and for the majority of their lives we have been apart, and co-parenting cooperatively, but separately.

 

I really believe that she believed herself when she said "trust me, we'll do it together", but in retrospect, the combination of all those elements leaves me with a sour feeling like she always knew that she wanted kids more than she wanted me, that what she wanted about me was to be a parent, and once she had me sufficiently "hooked", for lack of a better term, she found herself uninterested in me as a spouse any more, and moved on.

 

Now, I'm not claiming to be perfect - I put so much focus on being a parent (it was what she wanted of me, right?) that I was certainly an element in the decline of our relationship as spouses, so we both carry parts of that burden.

 

So I don't have specific advice for you regarding your boyfriend, but just adding this to the landscape for your consideration. In general, I suggest that - especially when someone has a relatively firmly held position, like your boyfriend does - that jumping into a long-term commitment with the expectation that he will somehow change later to meet your position is a dicey proposition.

 

Can someone change? Absolutely - I never expected or wanted to be a father, and now, it's an important and proud part of my identity. But how confidently can you base a long-term relationship on the expectation that someone will change? I wouldn't bet my marriage on it.

Edited November 19, 2014 by Trimmer

[d0nnivain]

Maybe but there is no guarantee. There is also a big difference between I don't want kids now & I don't want them ever. If he's saying he never wants kids, take him at his word & don't hang on thinking he'll eventually change his mind.

[kitkatleen]

Yes, it does happen. At one point I said I never wanted kids, now that's changed dramatically. Amazing what finding the right person can do.

I think the fact that he says he'd have them for you is his way of admitting that he's more open to the idea than he maybe has been in the past.

I know it was a process for me. Took about 6-7 years. The older/more mature I got the more I started thinking 'well, maybe someday' and then evolved into wanting them.

That said, I always liked kids even when I never wanted any of my own, which you say isn't the case with your boyfriend.

 

I guess it will be harder for my guy to feel 'ready'. But he thinks that he will change naturally as he grew older. How old were you when you was ready?

 

My husband and I are CF, he wouldn't even have one for me. So with that in mind I'm going to be a little brutal: stop and think about the CHILD. You might have a kid and your BF might love it but what if he doesn't? What if you end up with an angry, resentful partner who doesn't help you with the baby, let alone how that might taint his interactions with it? Why is it important to you that someone who barely even wants to be a parent 50% be the person you choose to be in your life and your child's life forever?

I will never understand the cavalier way people will gamble with human life.

 

I totally understand it, that's why it's wrong that he is forcing himself. I do not want my kids to grow up without having his dad 'around'. And i told him i was afraid he would resent me and not help me. He told me that we have to take a leap in it. He thinks that he wouldn't want it now but he's unsure about the future. That's why i'm thinking clearly about this in the long run.

 

My experience, for what it's worth... I didn't particularly want kids - didn't "hate" them, but pretty much saw myself not having them. Before we were married, when my wife and I were still dating, she made it clear that having kids was necessary for her, and that she would be sad about it, but that it would be a deal-breaker for "us" if I didn't want to do so. I wanted to be with her, so as part of deciding to get married, I agreed to it and we moved forward with "let's do this adventure together..."

 

We had two kids - they are the most spectacularly fantastic things in my life, and while I'm not perfect, I'm a pretty good parent and full of love for these human beings...

 

But when our oldest was 8 years old, my wife decided she wanted out of the marriage. So I was left with the following thoughts: (a) I wanted to be with her so much that I changed my life plan regarding kids; (b) she didn't want to be with me enough to change her life plan; for her it was kids first, and she was ready to let me go if I didn't meet that need; © she helped convince me that having kids would be a grand adventure, partly by reaching out her hand (metaphorically, and at the time, literally) and saying "trust me, this will work, because we will do it together"; and (d) today our kids are teenagers, and for the majority of their lives we have been apart, and co-parenting cooperatively, but separately.

 

I really believe that she believed herself when she said "trust me, we'll do it together", but in retrospect, the combination of all those elements leaves me with a sour feeling like she always knew that she wanted kids more than she wanted me, that what she wanted about me was to be a parent, and once she had me sufficiently "hooked", for lack of a better term, she found herself uninterested in me as a spouse any more, and moved on.

 

Now, I'm not claiming to be perfect - I put so much focus on being a parent (it was what she wanted of me, right?) that I was certainly an element in the decline of our relationship as spouses, so we both carry parts of that burden.

 

So I don't have specific advice for you regarding your boyfriend, but just adding this to the landscape for your consideration. In general, I suggest that - especially when someone has a relatively firmly held position, like your boyfriend does - that jumping into a long-term commitment with the expectation that he will somehow change later to meet your position is a dicey proposition.

 

Can someone change? Absolutely - I never expected or wanted to be a father, and now, it's an important and proud part of my identity. But how confidently can you base a long-term relationship on the expectation that someone will change? I wouldn't bet my marriage on it.

 

I'm not expecting that he would change, i'm just reconsidering if i should continue this as i know i wanted a family. But he seems to be open to having them, just not now. It's a risky situation and i wouldn't want him ending up resenting me. I guess i need to take it easy as well and ask myself if i could deal with not having kids.

 

Maybe but there is no guarantee. There is also a big difference between I don't want kids now & I don't want them ever. If he's saying he never wants kids, take him at his word & don't hang on thinking he'll eventually change his mind.

 

Yes i agree that there is no guarantee, maybe in future i'm the one who doesn't want kids, who knows? I know there's a big difference. He states that he doesn't want them now as he is not matured or stable. He's unsure about the future but he's not against the idea of having kids. The risk i could have is having kids and then having to "bring them up" by myself.

Edited November 19, 2014 by kitkatleen

[CatalystNX]

How old were you when you was ready?

 

There's no specific moment, but if I had to put an age on it I'd say around 25-26. I'm 30 now.

[FitChick]

Many people of both sexes like the fantasy of playing house but as they see their friends and relatives get marry and breed, eventually divorcing, the reality hits them and they decide not to have kids but still can enjoy their friends' kids when and if they are in the mood, while not having to be legally or financially responsible.

 

A child should be loved and wanted by both parents. It's not like having a dog: "You want a dog? You take care of it!" In fact, I'd say you should get a dog first before even considering kids. Many can't even take care of a dog.

[Tayken]

I really believe that she believed herself when she said "trust me, we'll do it together", but in retrospect, the combination of all those elements leaves me with a sour feeling like she always knew that she wanted kids more than she wanted me, that what she wanted about me was to be a parent, and once she had me sufficiently "hooked", for lack of a better term, she found herself uninterested in me as a spouse any more, and moved on.

 

For the young lovers who think they are in love...I urge you to pay attention to this part quoted above. Ignore it at your own peril.

 

This happens a lot, and it's part of that whole selfish/centered mentality. The woman in question here, knew all along and managed to trick the poster into evil ways. As soon as she got what she wanted, she bailed on him i.e. he became useless to her.

 

There are many cases like this. I only have one child, but my ex had a toddler when we met who is now an adult. Unlike that child, my ex and I parent our own child together..I wouldn't have it any other way, and I put my money where my mouth is to get what I wanted.

 

Now women can also unilaterally make that decision when you are with someone without you having a say...it happens a lot. What do you then do? You still find yourself having to pay child support and sometimes denied access to your child.