Ex gf dating a man that divorced for her

[acf01]

Hi everyone, first post here or on any dating forum.

 

I've recently come out of my first serious relationship (21M/20F) and it's been far more complex and difficult than I expected my first to ever be.

Over almost 2 years, me and my ex had some slight struggles, where she always decided breaking up was best (she never discusses emotional things and hardly thinks through her short-term future):

• Minor break-up at 1.5 years, pretended to start over for awhile.
  
• Week break-up 2 months before final break-up. She cried and pleaded me to stay the night.
  

Each time, she seemed desperate to come back to me, but this time, 2+ months on she hasn't.

 

Primary reason: She left me to date someone she's been seeing behind my back for potentially 3 months.

What's the big deal? This guy (25M) she's now seeing separated/divorced (unsure) from his wife to be with my ex specifically.

Oh yeah, and they recently got engaged too. They're moving across the country, potentially to avoid losing her license (as she would if she stayed) but there may be further reasons. He spends lots on her, taking her on holidays etc, whereas I couldn't afford to even go on my own holiday (I just finished university studies today).

 

Some other notes about the situation:

• She claimed to be bipolar.
  
• She also claimed to take anti-depressants from about a year before she met me and until we broke up, which she only told me sometime AFTER we broke up.
  
• She claimed to be staying at her friend's place to get to work easier, but her friend said she never stayed over once.
  
• She wanted to marry me from early on, as early as 6 months I'd say and kept dropping hints for awhile, but I'm just not ready for that yet.
  
• When breaking up she claimed it was about her wanting to be single and being free to do what she wanted, but she 'officially' got with him pretty quickly.
  
• He smokes and she hated that.
  
• He's taken control of her phone and facebook to block me and send a simple f*** you message to me, to act as if she sent it. She must have realized the latter because she called to apologize and say she'd never send something like that to me.
  

If I think of more important details, I'll update this.

 

I'm mostly looking to get opinions on the situation and I'm expecting GIGS replies at least. I know I can get through this, but I just feel so offended that somebody would do this to me, when I never once came close to cheating or hurting her.

Edited November 19, 2014 by acf01
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[dclan]

I don't think its GIGS...

 

I think your ex-gf is just f***ed up in the head.

 

Ok so...she is 20 years old...already looking to get married. You say she talked about marriage 6 months into the relationship, in a 2 year relationship, so she wanted to get married at 18 only after a few months?

 

Ok honestly, she has some issues, and wants to be married.

 

Of course you weren't ready for marriage! Geez you two are too young. And 6 months relationship and already wanting marriage? she is crazy.

 

Not sure why she wants to get married so young or so fast....but this is the reason she left for this guy.

 

She probably left because this guy, who is already married, presents her the possibility of having what she wants: a stupid early marriage that won't last

 

Pun intended yes.

 

Now this clearly has to do with some sort of issue, maybe she wants to get married because she thinks thats an alternative to...I don't know maybe getting away from family? a financial thing? can be multiple things.

 

Now I know you love her, and I think she is probably making a lot of stupid decisions she will probably regret in the future. Yet there is not much you can do rather than let her do this to herself.

 

You need to start moving on...I know its hard. In this cases, you can indeed try to talk some sense into her, yet she will probably reject you. This is because, whatever she thinks its right, she'll do it, until she realises its a big mistake.

 

So, my advice would be, to stay away and let her mess up her life.

 

To be completly honest...if she does indeed marry the guy, they will probably last 6 months-1 year. I mean seriously, the guy is already married, cheating on his wife, they are not even compatible, and she is the type of girl that will always find something to make herself feel unhappy.

Thats a recipe for complete and utter disaster right there....

 

By the way, what does her family think of this? Whats her familylife like? I sense this has something to do with the whole thing.

 

Now to give you at least "some" comfort:

 

 

• She is not leaving because the guy is better than you, or because she likes him more. The reason she is leaving you for him, is because the guy is giving her what she wants: marriage; something you are not ready for (and probably she isn't either) so DON'T feel bad about this.
  

 

• She probably doesn't even really like the guy, she only likes what the guy "represents"....a husband and someone to buy her stuff.
  

 

• This marriage won't last (if they indeed get married)...the guy is already married, cheating on his wife, so will probably cheat on her too. So maybe in 1 or 2 years she'll probably be divorced.
  

 

 

Now I know this doesn't really help much, but can be a small band-aid for your pain. One of the hardest things about a break-up like this one, is that your ex seems to move on sooooo fast....and makes you feel too easy to replaced.

 

 

The last things I just mentioned, are so you know that...she will probably NOT be happy in the end. Right now it may seem like she has everything she wants, but this kind of situations almost never end well for the female dumper. So you can at least know that her current "happines" won't last.

 

 

Hope it helps

Edited November 19, 2014 by dclan

[acf01]

Now this clearly has to do with some sort of issue, maybe she wants to get married because she thinks thats an alternative to...I don't know maybe getting away from family? a financial thing? can be multiple things.

 

She's struggled with keeping and finding jobs for a long time, in an industry that's not short on positions.

When the going gets tough in any situation, she leaves, which has put a lot of financial strain on her in the past. I've had to give her money to get her out of spiraling debt, but she should know better than to spend everything she has on junk she can't afford to feel a little better.

 

You need to start moving on... So, my advice would be, to stay away and let her mess up her life.

 

I've been aiming to move on from day 1 of the BU, I had been feeling like I should do the breakup for awhile. I seen her a month after BU to give back some stuff and discuss a couple things, but NC since that.

 

By the way, what does her family think of this? Whats her familylife like? I sense this has something to do with the whole thing.

 

Before moving, she lived quite comfortably with her family and was on good terms with half of her relatives. She had an abusive situation in her youth, but does not see these people responsible for that much, if ever.

I honestly don't see her lasting long without her family around her, she's both very dependent on them and misses them dearly even after a couple days.

 

This marriage won't last (if they indeed get married)...the guy is already married, cheating on his wife, so will probably cheat on her too. So maybe in 1 or 2 years she'll probably be divorced.

 

I had suspected that, it's just not terms that people would see as good to start a marriage on.

 

The last things I just mentioned, are so you know that...she will probably NOT be happy in the end. Right now it may seem like she has everything she wants, but this kind of situations almost never end well for the female dumper. So you can at least know that her current "happines" won't last.

 

Thank You so much for your input, I don't wish harm of any sort upon her but I do hope she one day wakes up to who she is and grieves over what she's done to herself.

[PegNosePete]

Why do you even care about any of these things?

 

She is your EX. She treated you like a piece of dog dirt that she had trodden in. Why on earth would you even want to speak to her ever again? If someone treated me like that I would tell them where to shove it.

 

Let her diagnose her own mental issues, it's not your problem any more.

[acf01]

Why do you even care about any of these things?

 

She is your EX. She treated you like a piece of dog dirt that she had trodden in. Why on earth would you even want to speak to her ever again? If someone treated me like that I would tell them where to shove it.

 

Let her diagnose her own mental issues, it's not your problem any more.

 

I don't plan to speak to her ever again if I can help it, and I only found out so much of this after breaking up so there wasn't much I could have done. All I knew was she got more distant, that's all I could see.

 

I'm mostly just curious as to how bad on the scale of breakups this situation is.

[PegNosePete]

I'm mostly just curious as to how bad on the scale of breakups this situation is.

You got out without any STDs, without any kids to support for the rest of your life, without losing half your house, savings, pension and sanity. You didn't even waste too much of your life on this liar and cheater. So I would say it's not too bad compared to many.

 

But it's always painful no matter what. Sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

[acf01]

You got out without any STDs, without any kids to support for the rest of your life, without losing half your house, savings, pension and sanity. You didn't even waste too much of your life on this liar and cheater. So I would say it's not too bad compared to many.

 

But it's always painful no matter what. Sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

 

Ah, thank you for the perspective! It's hard to see how good you still have it when you're in the thick of it.

I hadn't considered that I could have got an STD from the scenario, so very glad for that.

[evanescentworld]

....

I'm mostly just curious as to how bad on the scale of breakups this situation is.

 

...What 'scale'...? Who creates this scale? Everyone has their own scale. I could say my break-up was far worse than yours - but who would say I was right?

Who could tell?

How do you gauge the effects, the seismic after-shocks?

 

There IS no scale.

How it affects you, is how it affects you.

If i were to go through exactly - BUT EXACTLY - the same experience as you, it would still have a different effect on me than it has on you.

 

in short, to summarise: Don't bother questioning the whats whys and wherefores.

Because often, there ARE no logical answers.

The best thing you can do, is set it down, walk away from it, and let it go, without a backward glance from you.

[No Limit]

She's an OW. And usually that type is the most selfish you can fall for.

I feel almost bad for her though, marrying a cheater is a disaster waiting to happen. On the other hand, I promise to you that she cheated on you with that guy, so perhaps those two simply deserve each other.

 

Kudos to the guy's wife though. She'll have plenty of fun stories to tell about her exes' "marriage" in just a few years. Perhaps months, depends on how screwed up your ex and the guy are.

 

As for you, OP, you dodged a major bullet there, congratulations! Block her for a while, just in case she feels like she has to be a dramaqueen again.

[Trimmer]

I'm mostly just curious as to how bad on the scale of breakups this situation is.

 

You got out without any STDs, without any kids to support for the rest of your life, without losing half your house, savings, pension and sanity. You didn't even waste too much of your life on this liar and cheater. So I would say it's not too bad compared to many.

 

But it's always painful no matter what. Sorry you're going through this. You deserve better.

Echo all of what PNP said here.

 

I understand you are in pain and anguish, and there's nothing that feels "good" about the situation, but I'm so "happy" for you that she exited your life, as Pete said, without dragging you through a marriage, possibly kids, having to split property, etc. possibly giving you an STD, and the other element that happens so often: stringing you along, pretending like she's deciding between you and the other guy, keeping you in limbo. That can be an excruciatingly painful place to be, and although all it takes to stop it is the strength to walk away from it, the "left-behind" partner often has to go through a lot of the pain before making it into the clear.

 

In her case, she walked away and shut the door. In the long run, I hope you will be able to see that as far as "how breakups can go", this was pretty much a lucky outcome for you. (Not to minimize or disregard the grief and anguish you have certainly felt over this loss...)

[acf01]

She's an OW. And usually that type is the most selfish you can fall for.

I feel almost bad for her though, marrying a cheater is a disaster waiting to happen. On the other hand, I promise to you that she cheated on you with that guy, so perhaps those two simply deserve each other.

 

Kudos to the guy's wife though. She'll have plenty of fun stories to tell about her exes' "marriage" in just a few years. Perhaps months, depends on how screwed up your ex and the guy are.

 

As for you, OP, you dodged a major bullet there, congratulations! Block her for a while, just in case she feels like she has to be a dramaqueen again.

 

It's a cheater-engaged-to-cheater scenario, only a matter of time to see which one cracks again first, huh?

 

I don't get temptations to contact her, but I suppose I should block her too in case of spouts of drama in my direction.

[Trimmer]

It's a cheater-engaged-to-cheater scenario, only a matter of time to see which one cracks again first, huh?

 

I don't get temptations to contact her, but I suppose I should block her too in case of spouts of drama in my direction.

Yeah - unless you have kids together, there's really no advantage to you in keeping any lines open, is there?

 

Now, there may be an advantage to her to keep those lines open... If she needs a shoulder to cry on, needs some kind of support, and you were still pining for her, just wanting to smell her hair and put your arms around her, then she could take advantage of that - the "emotional tampon" scenario, with the part of the tampon being played by you! Which is all the more reason to block her, cut off all access, and spend your energy moving forward in your life, not being tugged by strings that extend backward.

[Satu]

Time to think about yourself, your life, and how can make things really good for yourself. Put your energy into you.