At a crossroads, I'm the wayward spouse...

November 19, 2014

This is crazy long, but I'm hoping some of you will power through it...

I'm at a crossroads and have no idea what to do.

I have been married 8 years, started dating hubby 11-12 years ago. He's a good guy - dependable, even-tempered. Our marriage has gone through some hard times, but overall it wasn't terrible. The romance died pretty early on. Every couple of years, it will really get to me and I usually do everything in my power to try to strengthen the bond. (Some pretty dramatic stuff - I even did this challenge thing where there's some specific nice thing you do every day for 60 days and for 60 days you don't say anything in anyway negative to/about/in the presence of him, no matter what.) Anyway, it continued back and forth. We've never screamed and insulted each other or anything like that. At times, though, I'm so lonely it physically hurts. Like, so lonely I will leave a store if they're playing sappy country music because I can't handle it. That said, we get along better than any couple I know in some ways - we handle bills, purchases, household duties, etc. with never a harsh word.

Earlier this year, I got involved in an affair with my best friend (who is a significantly older single male). It was truly not intentional (not that that makes it better, I know). I think too many times spent crying on his shoulder just led to some confused feelings. It started out a hug that lasted a little too long here or there, a kiss on the cheek sometimes, a more intimate kiss a few weeks later, and so on. At the time, I had pretty much decided to leave my husband, so I felt like it wouldn't matter in the end. I fell SO hard for this man. We were seeing each other 4-5 days a week (I never lied about where I was, my husband just didn't mind). I was already close to his child, but that got much more intense, too. (The child doesn't know, I've been friends with this guy for about 1.5 years and already was around a lot.)

The longer it went on, though, the harder it was to leave. It's hard to be mad at someone for being cold or disconnected, when you're doing what I was. I started questioning whether it was really that bad before, or if I was just letting myself believe it was to justify my feelings for this other man.

The OM and I would talk about how guilty we felt, how neither of us believed in adultery, etc. but couldn't seem to pull ourselves away from one another. Eventually, he broke things off. Since we WERE all friends before, occasionally, we would all end up hanging out (not for long at a time). He said he just felt too guilty. He was worried about his child finding out. He said he didn't want to be in a relationship, that he'd always been done wrong in relationships. But, he said he still loved me. That split lasted a few weeks, with us still maintaining a close friendship. A month or so later, I called on him when I was upset. I was talking to him, in tears, he started brushing tears off of my face, then kissed me, then...

A couple of months ago, he went through some EPIC hardships in his life. He broke things off again. He said that he felt like his whole life was falling apart and here he was doing this really wrong thing. He said he didn't want to be an OM, he didn't want to be a home-wrecker, and again, he said he didn't want to be involved in anything serious. Then, he said he loved me, had never been so comfortable with anyone, that his kid loved me more than he could even fathom, that we were so perfect together, on and on... We talked over the course of several days and finally agreed that we should save our friendship, because we wanted different things from romantic relationships, but we were so connected, his child and I were so connected, etc.

As his hardships got harder, he went into a big funk. Like, BIG. He withdrew socially from everyone. Other than a couple of times of him replying to a text or a couple of phone calls (which revolved around how he couldn't face anyone), we didn't see each other for six weeks. I've tried to be a solid friend - send random silly picture texts with it clear I'm not looking for a response, dropped off some home-cooked food a time or two, etc. The couple of times I've talked to him, he's asked, "Do you hate me?" I've assured him that I understand. (Though, I'm not sure I do!) A couple of weekends ago, I talked to him and he let me come over to visit. We hung out for hours, like old times. It kinda got weird the later it got. He told me he still loved me, still thought about me all the time, etc. He said, "We're not over, but I'm still working on me." (What???)

In the meantime, I've been honestly trying to focus on my marriage and figure out whether we can save it. That's hard to do, though, because you can tell where my mind really is. Last weekend, I finally had a sit-down with my husband and explained every issue that I thought we had (not blaming anyone, finally accepting fault). I stated all of my points as neutrally as possible, "I feel like we're not connected anymore." "We're focused on different goals." etc. I could tell he wasn't too upset, because he was cracking jokes and snacking. I finally told him that I was thinking about moving out. It was like he finally heard me for the first time ever. (I kinda resent that I had to threaten to move out, I've told him all of these things in tears at least dozens of times.) He told me the things he had problems with. Some of them honestly blew me away. Anyway, we've both been trying to work towards doing better on what we can.

Trouble is, I spend 90% of the day thinking about OM. I miss him, wonder if he misses me, want to just go knock on his door and say, "Talk to me, man!"

As far as hubby, I care about his well-being. I don't want to hurt him. I hate what I've done and pray he never finds out because he doesn't deserve the pain. I don't want to leave him because of my own selfishness. But, I'm not sure I'm in love with him. When he kisses me, it makes me feel dirty, makes my skin crawl. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to feel the same way again.

So... I'm hurting for, crying for, absolutely torn up over someone that I'm not sure wants me and trying to find a way to force myself to love my husband again.

What on earth do I do now?

November 19, 2014

You're soooo not there yet. You're crying for your own selfish needs, not your family. If you're genuinely remorseful, you'll follow the golden rule and expose the affair and allow everyone to make their own decision instead of playing puppet master.

But you're not so it doesn't matter. Don't worry, one of the betrayed spouses will figure out soon and make the decision for you.

And quit with the praying talk. You don't believe it anyway.

November 19, 2014

Except, you neglected to mention the major issue in your marriage is your interest in another man. Lay it all on the table. He will really begin to take things seriously then.

November 19, 2014

You think the OM is wonderful? He is nothing compared to your H.

Set yourself free. Tell your H about your A and also tell his daughter.

You have been very selfish and now it is time to settle the score.

if your H had an A like this, you would be so furious with him.

So become an adult. clear the air. You have things messed up because you are in the affair fog. You are true to your OM and not your h?

tHIS IS CRAZY.

November 19, 2014

(side bar note to other posters - this is exactly why whenever someone comes on here and says that their wife has given them the ILYBNILWY and talks about moving out or needing "space" or a "break" etc, many of us always automatically advise to look for another man.....there always is one)

- your marriage simply cannot be save and your feelings and connection to your husband just simply cannot be restored while you are involved with the OM....period. Your heart, your hormones and your loins are just being pulled by him so much you husband cannot compete. As long as you have all these warm and lovey-dovey hormones for the OM in your system all you will feel for your husband is resentment, contempt, disappointment, no desire, disrespect etc etc. The OM is like a drug that you are addicted to and until you can break that addiction and get him completely out of your system, you can not function in your marriage.

- this needs to be addressed and handled by a very skilled professional therapist. You will likely require both individual therapy to work through all your own personal issues and demons and you and your husband will require marital therapy if there is to be any hope of reconciliation.

- Divorce is a very likely scenario here so I would also recommend consulting a divorce attorney and get educated on all the legal, financial and practical matters of divorce. Be informed and know your options and know what potential ramifications are in your future.

- People here will urge you to tell your husband about your affair and about the OM. I'm not sure that is a good idea however and I think it could bring a $h!tstorm down on everyone that no one is really prepared for. I urge you to consult an individual therapist first and go over all of this with him/her and peel through all the layers and come up with a plan on how to proceed and how to arrive at what may be the best option and the best course of action before you go dropping any bombshells and leaving any scorched earth in your path.

- that being said, realize the truth is going to come out at some point anyway. Probably sooner rather than later. If your husband has an ounce of brains, he is starting to snoop into what is going on and he may even be consulting a lawyer of his own to protect his own assets. If he were to ask for advice from any of his family/friends/coworkers etc, the first thing they are going to advise is to start digging through your business and look for evidence of another man. no matter how well you think you have covered your tracks, there is some evidence somewhere.

My advice is to consult a therapist and work with the therapist to come up with options and come up with a plan, but realize you are under the gun for time.

- realize that your selfishness is harming two men. You may have fantasies of both of them 'fighting' for you when this all comes to a head, but realize that each of them will have the right to wash their hands of you and walk away when it all blows up.

- your husband really has been blind and has had his head in the sand. You are within your right to be somewhat resentful of him that it has taken this to get him to wake up and open his eyes. But realize that even though it may take him awhile to fully realize and accept the situation, once his eyes are truly open, he may not like what he sees at all. By that I mean he will realize you cringe and recoil when he touches you and that you feel disgust by him kissing you etc. He may or may not chose to try to fix this. He may or may not chose to work on the marriage once the affair comes to light ( and it will. I know you are having fantasies (actually they are more like delusions) of him never finding out, but he will. your affair is too deep and there are too many witnesses. A one-nighter from the bar is possible to hide. A deep, entrenched affair with your best friend is not)

- I will reiterate that the most important thing I think you should do right now is get with a professional individual therapist and spill your guts and work with him/her on weighing your options, coming up with a plan and then moving forward with the plan under professional guidance.

Otherwise this is just a powder keg that is going to blow up and blow everyone to bits and leave nothing but a smoking hole in the ground where all your lives used to be.

November 19, 2014

You cant force yourself to love your husband just like you cant force your self to be a good person. Its either you are or your not there is no in between. You already betrayed him in the worst possible way why not do the decent thing now and let him go. Give him the best gift a person can give. Give him a chance at a new life with someone that will love him and respect him.

He deserves to have the same opportunity as you have. That is to go find love for himself.

You can try to repair your marriage but in the end he will find out. You can continue to lie about it but someone will eventually slip up.

Why not go be happy with the OM. He is clearly a winner for you. He says he does not want to be a home wrecker. Its to late. He already is and he is not a alone.

Clay

November 19, 2014

I agree with everything Oldshirt said. I am in a similar situation as you, I had 2 EA's. My husband also cheated 3 years ago, a one night stand while intoxicated.

I also agree that your husband will find out eventually. Mine did.

All it takes is one minor slip-up. A text unexpectedly popping up on an unattended cell phone, for example.

There is no way to move beyond this without both of you in therapy. I don't know how one can ever feel attraction and passion for someone they feel repelled and disgusted by, but I suppose it's possible.

I am a believer that most infidelities are a symptom, and not THE problem, in a relationship. It sounds like there is a deep need in you for the feelings of passion and romance and your marriage was not providing that. If that is what you need, then divorce your husband and go find it. And that way he can find what he needs, which I'm sure is not a cheating a spouse who is disgusted by his kiss.

November 19, 2014

Interesting but not uncommon that you were shocked that your husband had issues with you.

So when you "layed it all out" you omitted the affair. Once again not shocking. A lot of years in therapy has shown me the error in thinking that if I could just get him to change then everything would be great. The issues in our marriage belonged to both of us, adding my affair to the mix and him not knowing put him at such a disadvantage.

You have to fix YOU. No matter what happens in your marriage you will carry you into every relationship that follows and your poor coping skills.

Sadest part for me is the comment you made about you not having to lie about were you where because your husband didn't care, no he trusts and believes in you so you bouncing up and down on your "friend" is something he never expects. You've taken that trust ground it into a knife and stabbed him in the heart.

Take it from a women who was once in your position, thinking about no longer being married is a lot different then not being married. This other man that means so much too you that your will to throw it all away for has the advantage of not having the mundane, boring daily tasks of life and marriage with you. He gets and sees the best of you. Once your husband is out of the picture and all your needs and issues get dropped onto his lap the story will change. The sneaking around and secret hookups are gone along with the excitement. The crying on his shoulders, the leaning on him for emotional support all gone. Then after that what's left? Oh yeah the life you now have with your husband, enter the next other man, the next guys to lean on, the next guy to sneak around with.

If you don't fix you, it will follow you in whatever relationship you enter. Cheating is 100% on you and it solves nothing except feeling better about yourself while your with the other man. Its an addiction that is hard to break without working you sh*t out.

November 19, 2014

I agree with everything Oldshirt said. I am in a similar situation as you, I had 2 EA's. My husband also cheated 3 years ago, a one night stand while intoxicated.

I also agree that your husband will find out eventually. Mine did.
All it takes is one minor slip-up. A text unexpectedly popping up on an unattended cell phone, for example.

There is no way to move beyond this without both of you in therapy. I don't know how one can ever feel attraction and passion for someone they feel repelled and disgusted by, but I suppose it's possible.

I am a believer that most infidelities are a symptom, and not THE problem, in a relationship. It sounds like there is a deep need in you for the feelings of passion and romance and your marriage was not providing that. If that is what you need, then divorce your husband and go find it. And that way he can find what he needs, which I'm sure is not a cheating a spouse who is disgusted by his kiss.

Nope infidelity is a symptom of a deeply flawed person and not a relationship no matter how bad it is. Bad marriage end in divorce not in another man's bed.

November 19, 2014

Nope infidelity is a symptom of a deeply flawed person and not a relationship no matter how bad it is. Bad marriage end in divorce not in another man's bed.

You may disagree, but I base my opinion on what I've learned in 2 years of therapy and having the experience of being both a BS and a WS. Besides, everyone has flaws. Human psychology is a fascinating subject. In a recent article by Steven Johnson, which is based on his book Considered Creative, he says "The rational, autonomous, self-aware agent acting in his own self-interest according to static preferences has faded as we realise that behavior is largely irrational, unconscious and driven by external contexts".

November 19, 2014

You may disagree, but I base my opinion on what I've learned in 2 years of therapy and having the experience of being both a BS and a WS. Besides, everyone has flaws. Human psychology is a fascinating subject. In a recent article by Steven Johnson, which is based on his book Considered Creative, he says "The rational, autonomous, self-aware agent acting in his own self-interest according to static preferences has faded as we realise that behavior is largely irrational, unconscious and driven by external contexts".

Yeah.

Marriages don't cause infidelity. My husband was in the same marriage as I was and he didn't cheat. What was the difference? He had better coping skills, he was and never has been selfish. When your unhappy in your marriage you have a few options, make it better, hold status quo, leave, or cheat. Two are productive and changes the dynamic, two make it worse and changes nothing for the better for anyone. Affairs create more drama, more pain and for what? I've been don't that road. Yes I was irrational but it wasn't driven by anything external it was all within me and my control. I made the decision to cheat.

OP you have to understand you can't continue this way, as I said you have options, fix it which means your husband does his part, most importantly you have to do your and fix yourself. Leave, if this isn't a marriage you want. Its so unfair to string your husband along while you gauge the other man's interest in a LTR with you. Cheating is never a valid option. Making it sound like its something out of your control or unintentional is weak. Your panties didn't fall off on accident. You cheated because you wanted to and you meant for it to happen. Own it, no matter the outcome of your marriage, all of it.

November 19, 2014

Others have said it, your little sit down with hubby did not include that you are having sex with a guy he knows and who you are even disrespecting him more by bringing him around your husband.

You are confused about your cake eating having a few bumps but when you say you are working on your marriage that is laughable. What you are working on is a way to keep your affair going and have your husband do more for you while you have sex with your ap and keep him clueless.

Doesn't get too much worse than that. You will get caught and then your problems will really start

November 19, 2014

How can your marriage be successful if your only half the wife you should be? You decided to put more effort in being in a relationship with another man, you stole that time from your husband so why would you expect that by putting in half the effort that a positive healthy relationship would result? Why didn't you tell your husband your having unprotected sex with another man, he should have a say in his own health.

You and your husband are in the same relationship with the same stress's, your the only one practicing infidelity. Your making a sham of the twelve years you had with your husband, you are being dishonest and need to come clean with your husband. Your marriage can not be saved as long as you are having an affair. Decide on saving your marriage or decide on a relationship with your affair partner, there is one too many in your marriage, one of them has to go.

November 19, 2014

Yeah.

Marriages don't cause infidelity. My husband was in the same marriage as I was and he didn't cheat. What was the difference? He had better coping skills, he was and never has been selfish. When your unhappy in your marriage you have a few options, make it better, hold status quo, leave, or cheat. Two are productive and changes the dynamic, two make it worse and changes nothing for the better for anyone. Affairs create more drama, more pain and for what? I've been don't that road. Yes I was irrational but it wasn't driven by anything external it was all within me and my control. I made the decision to cheat.

OP you have to understand you can't continue this way, as I said you have options, fix it which means your husband does his part, most importantly you have to do your and fix yourself. Leave, if this isn't a marriage you want. Its so unfair to string your husband along while you gauge the other man's interest in a LTR with you. Cheating is never a valid option. Making it sound like its something out of your control or unintentional is weak. Your panties didn't fall off on accident. You cheated because you wanted to and you meant for it to happen. Own it, no matter the outcome of your marriage, all of it.

Just awesome, and some of you guys questioned me giving her a second chance. In my opinion this is what you call getting it.

Awfulgirl you asked what do you do, be honest with everyone. Tell your husband your in love with the guy he trusted you with, it will hurt him but in the long run he will be better for not having an enemy sleeping next to him and allowing him to find a woman that loves him. Then roll the dice with your other guy, the one you love. Why let this go on?

November 19, 2014

Coming from betrayed side, my suggestion might be biased. You know you are hurting your marriage, right? You are hurting your husband, even if he doesn’t know, right? You know this. You know most of the suggestions good people here are giving you, or will give you. You also know that you will give the similar suggestions to your friend in the same condition, if you were not in this mess. You also know what you have to do.

First you have to decide what you want. Either OM or you H. There’s no ‘both’. Whoever you choose, the other will get hurt, that is given (although it seems, OM will not care as much). You cannot spare the hurt.

If you want your OM, divorce your husband. OM has his so many demons to fight, as you said. Don’t be the part of his arrays of problem, go and help him but first leave your H. Your H is living a life of lie, right now, perfectly unware of necrosis beneath the skin. Get out. He will recover in due time (or he may not).

If you want your H, confess to him. Don’t try to make yourself martyr (because you are not), and say things like “I don’t want to hurt him” or “I don’t want to relieve my guilt my delegating the hurt to him” or “I will take this pain to my grave as repentance to my sin, that will be punishment”. These are self-serving lies. Let him make an informed decision to reconcile or separate. This may even shake him out of his apathy. If he wants reconciliation, be honest to him and remove OM completely out your life. You cannot heal a gun wound without taking out the bullet. It’s not easy. It may take years. You will turn back many times, you will resent your H but you can do this. Its easier said than done, we know. Read “Owl”s and Anne1707’s posts.

The thing is you know what to do, you just not doing them because of so many emotions pulling from so many directions. Be strong. Good luck.

November 19, 2014

Divorce and be with your commitment phobe.

He truly loves you. What are you waiting for? You don't have to tell your husband about the affair to divorce him. Your needs weren't met and your marriage vows were never true, you care so little about your husband that you cheat on him. He won't die from a divorce.

Give him a chance to find true love as well, just like you did.

November 19, 2014

Divorce and be with your commitment phobe.

He truly loves you. What are you waiting for? You don't have to tell your husband about the affair to divorce him. Your needs weren't met and your marriage vows were never true, you care so little about your husband that you cheat on him. He won't die from a divorce.

Give him a chance to find true love as well, just like you did.

I 100% agree with No Limit. Go be with him. You were enjoying the emotional connection your OM brought to the table while coming back home to your husband to be your security (home finances and all the bills you said you both were great at paying). It does sound like you pursued this as well. My wife did the same exact thing. Crying on his shoulder to get close. Then kissing and well, you know. Your husband should know about this in my opinion. Don't let him continue living the lie he's been living. When he finds out he's going to be devastated.

November 19, 2014

What did he state his issues with you were??

November 19, 2014

OP,

You are so vague in your post about the issues you have with each other that it is difficult to say one way or another. With that said, once you cross the line of finding your spouse kissing you as disgusting, it is over. That spark will never come back. Start making plans for your exit.

November 19, 2014

What your husband decides to do after you tell him is out of your hands. Prepare for dinner to be served.

November 19, 2014

You may disagree, but I base my opinion on what I've learned in 2 years of therapy and having the experience of being both a BS and a WS. Besides, everyone has flaws. Human psychology is a fascinating subject. In a recent article by Steven Johnson, which is based on his book Considered Creative, he says "The rational, autonomous, self-aware agent acting in his own self-interest according to static preferences has faded as we realise that behavior is largely irrational, unconscious and driven by external contexts".

well, following this logic let's all just do whatever we want...

I'm also a WS and a BS and have been at this for 5 years and read 100 books. Infidelity is a symptom of a broken person, not a broken marriage. If so, why didn't the other spouse cheat then? Why not do the adult mature thing and tell your spouse you're unhappy, rather than simply act out.

November 19, 2014

As pp's have mentioned, I think finding a therapist or counselor will be the best place to start. Best of luck to you.

the brie's cheese knees

November 19, 2014

Last weekend, I finally had a sit-down with my husband and explained every issue that I thought we had (not blaming anyone, finally accepting fault). I stated all of my points as neutrally as possible, "I feel like we're not connected anymore." "We're focused on different goals." etc. I could tell he wasn't too upset, because he was cracking jokes and snacking. I finally told him that I was thinking about moving out. It was like he finally heard me for the first time ever. (I kinda resent that I had to threaten to move out, I've told him all of these things in tears at least dozens of times.) He told me the things he had problems with. Some of them honestly blew me away. Anyway, we've both been trying to work towards doing better on what we can.

What on earth do I do now?

Seriously.... you must be the queen of 'fence sitters'. If you have to move out to figure out what you want... then freaking do it. Right now you are basically wasting your own life... and the life of TWO other men. Stop being an @sshat!

Also... you are NOT working on your marriage. You are just kicking the can down the road hoping your Husband will magically begin working his tail off to rebuild a one sided relationship! You are probably hoping that this will help you make a choice... it won't. In reality you are just procrastinating and jerking everyone around. So Stop It!

November 20, 2014

Seriously.... you must be the queen of 'fence sitters'. If you have to move out to figure out what you want... then freaking do it. Right now you are basically wasting your own life... and the life of TWO other men. Stop being an @sshat!

Also... you are NOT working on your marriage. You are just kicking the can down the road hoping your Husband will magically begin working his tail off to rebuild a one sided relationship! You are probably hoping that this will help you make a choice... it won't. In reality you are just procrastinating and jerking everyone around. So Stop It!

I Agree ...i am sorry...but most WWs here have no idea of the devastation they cause..

THE TRUTH DOES NOT DESTROY ANYTHING....YOUR Lies ,Deciet and Betryal destroyed the marriage....YOU MADE A CHOICE NOT A MISTAKE...and passed hundreds of Red Flags blowin ing the breeze before the actual sex acts took place...

I would want to know.... anything less ,,,you are a coward and a cake eater..

All of us BS here must remember...Do not ever confuse Forgiveness with Reconcilition...For they are not the same thing!

Leave NOW and give your husband a chance to be happy!

*******

November 20, 2014

You can lie to your husband, lie to the OM, lie to all of us, but it doesn't do you any good to lie to yourself. You stated that: "it was truly not intentional" and "but couldn't seem to pull ourselves away from one another". These statements are not true. Yes you did it intentionally and yes you could stop, you just didn't. I don't say these things to be mean, but you are a full grow women, completely capable of controlling her own actions. The devil made me do it, just doesn't cut the mustard.

Additionally, you were very quick to see the splinter in your husbands eye and overlook the board in your own. I think that most relationships can be saved if both parties work to fix the problem. I don't know if your marriage can be saved, but it is always best to end one relationship, before you start another. Your husband deserves to know the truth and you two work to fix the problems or terminate the relationship without the interference of the other man.

Sign In

At a crossroads, I'm the wayward spouse...

Recommended Posts

awfulgirl

HereNorThere

MuddyFootprints

harrybrown

oldshirt

Clay

misty12

lovinDKT3

lovinDKT3

misty12

lovinDKT3

Friskyone4u

aliveagain

DKT3

star gaze

No Limit

jm2013

April Moon

Realist3

Man Mountain Makino

katielee

tobrieornottobrie

SawtoothMars

badkarma2013

Oberfeldwebel

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...