cdma Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 Okay, so I'm freaking out here. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. We met online and started dating, moved in together about eight months later, and everything seemed fine until recently. I believe we both got content... The word stagnant was even used when we were talking about our relationship. We both kind of stopped trying, which while it is common in long term relationships, I know is still a problem. He stopped telling me I was pretty, stopped being affectionate, and i suppose I did the same thing. I'm not crazy, I don't expect him to be my knight in shining armor or to be romantic and perfect. He has his own way of doing things and always has. That's what I fell in love with. Well, I found myself texting with this guy. In my mind and in my heart, I knew, I did not want it to go anywhere. I never wanted to meet him, I never wanted to date him, I never wanted to cross the line, even texting him. But, he made me feel good... I guess you could say he boosted my ego. He'd text me, "hey beautiful", and I have to say, because I wasn't getting that anymore, it felt good so I allowed it to continue. Never hid my phone from my boyfriend, never felt I was being sneaky in any way. Well, after a while, I felt bad about it and stopped texting him. I didn't tell him I was stopping or why. I just didn't answer and I guess he got the hint. Right about the time he got the hint, my boyfriend and I were out to lunch together, about to pick up his son from school. He was going to the bathroom and asked me to grab his phone and sunglasses, he'd be to the car I'm a minute. His sons mother is the type that changes her mind and changes plans with about 5 minutes of notice. So, when I picked his phone up, it vibrated... I looked at the text. It was NOT his sons mother. It was a text from a number not saved in his phone that said "hey sexy, I need another pic of you." In that moment my heart sank, and in what I swear was slow motion, I looked up from his phone and he was in front of me. I felt like I was going to scream, vomit or cry, I didn't know which. So I handed him the phone and walked away. We called eachother out on talking to other people. We had a long talk about what we needed from eachother and how we needed to be better. Well, I never texted the guy in question, and he didn't text her... for about 2 weeks. Then, I get a text message saying our cell bill is past due and the amount sounded crazy. So, I logged into my account online to check usage and see where it was coming from. Well, my cell service keeps up to date listing of texts (well the numbers) in the usage side of the site. That day he had decided to text her. This blew up into a knock down, drag out, fight. A fight, which ended in him sleeping on the couch, and us not talking for 2 days. Once we finally talked, he had come to the conclusion that he needed a break, that WE needed a break. He said that something went wrong with us, and he didn't know what it was, but that we needed time to figure out what we both want. Keep in mind, we live together. He said the biggest part of this was that he thought he needed to miss me. He said he didn't know, it could take 2 days, it could take 2 weeks, a month he didn't know how long it would take, but he needed to miss me. In an effort to save our relationship, I agreed to this break and we set rules. No sex, no taking his son around anyone. I know he's still talking to her, and we agreed to talk to other people. I have been talking to an ex with whom the relationship ended because we were close friends before deciding to date, and we felt like dating ruined us. Now, the rules did not state that we could not SEE other people, just that there was to be no sex or anything related to sex because sex has very real consequences. Being that we made that agreement, I'm confused as to why he went out with "her" last Saturday night, and lied to me about it. He said he was going to play Madden at a friends house. To this very day he insists that he went to play video games. I know he didnt, I even told him I wasn't stupid, and i knew he was going to see her, but he insists. Why would he lie to me about it? The other question is this: He told me Sunday that he misses me, but not enough yet. What does that mean? I was told that the only weapon I had left in my arsenal to get him back, was the cold shoulder. I am trying that without being a b****. But our anniversary is next week, and I will not be able to celebrate it or spend it with him if he is still going to be talking to her during that time. What do I do? I love him desperately, and I want him back completely. He said he's not going anywhere, but he needs to miss me, but he doesn't miss me enough yet... HELP!!
ExpatInItaly Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 To be totally blunt, I think this break sounds utterly ridiculous and not conducive to a reconciliation at all. He's test-driving his new girl, and keeping you on the backburner in case it doesn't work out. This is why he needs more time to see if "misses you". What a crock. Can't you see this? 2
CarrieT Posted November 18, 2014 Posted November 18, 2014 What Expat said. A "break" is a taciturn approval to experiment and play around. And you are allowing it. Does not bode well to a reconciliation at all, until he sees how the other girl works out - or doesn't.
Author cdma Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 I have often felt that. That he is test driving new girl. But he has me so confused. He keeps saying things like "I'm not going anywhere" and he flirts and tries to be sweet and does things for me... I feel like it's a catch 22...
CarrieT Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 He's feeding you breadcrumbs to keep you on the hook. And you are letting him, as long as you keep in contact. Go No Contact 100%. You will heal faster without him feeding you lines that don't mean anything without action behind them.
Author cdma Posted November 19, 2014 Author Posted November 19, 2014 I call him out on it? I mean we live together... 100% no contact isn't really a thing...
andilyn1 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 It sounds harsh, but I agree...that he is trying out this new girl, but still keeping you around just in case she doesn't work out. It's a hurtful thing to do to someone, to play with their feelings and emotions like he is with yours. I've been through that recently. And I one day would feel ok with the break, then the next I would be a mess because of something he said or didn't say. He was just stringing me along. So once I finally got the nerve to go NC and end it, I eventually felt so much better. I loved him so much, and it killed me to think of not being with him. But it also killed me to not know from day to day where we stood, or if he would ever fully want to be back with me. And once I finally put an end to it, he of course decided he wanted me. But it was too late. That was my first experience with a break in a relationship. And I can guarantee it will be the last. I don't do "breaks". Either you're with me, and we talk and work out our issues like adults, or we are not together at all. None of this in limbo crap. So if I were you, I would go NC with him. Don't allow him to treat you like this girl! Easier said than done, trust me I know. I struggle with it too. But you need to put yourself first!
andilyn1 Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Just realized you said you live together. That makes it tough for the NC. But maybe you need to tell him that you aren't going to keep living like this. That you're either going to work through this together, or you're not, and make arrangements to split if that's the case.
CarrieT Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Move out. How do you think a long-term relationship is ever going to work if he needs to "miss you?" Silliest thing I've ever heard. The relationship is over - he just doesn't have the balls to tell you.
mammasita Posted November 19, 2014 Posted November 19, 2014 Move out. How do you think a long-term relationship is ever going to work if he needs to "miss you?" Silliest thing I've ever heard. The relationship is over - he just doesn't have the balls to tell you. Exactly this!!! Not to mention how on earth does a break for him to miss you when you live together even make sense? He's feeding you scoops of BS to keep you on the hook while he takes this other girl for a test run.
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